Not included in DS/DIL & GS Christmas bubble

I am sorry for being blunt however, I think you are out of order with all this pushing and contacting people to try to "make" them spend Xmas with you. Your family have a choice the more you push the more they will draw back. I would be tired of all your pushing and keep completely away. You do not own you family, they live separate lives now they are adults. You say you have never had a Christmas with your GS, how many Christmases has he lived?? Yes exactly. Step back and you will find they will eventually bring you back in to your lives. Your poor son having to deal with all this fro all sides no wonder he fell out with his dad. You owe everyone an apology in my honest opinion.

I don’t think it’s a sign of being controlling at all, Nannan2; I would’ve been furious, and trust that the OP had her grandson’s best interest at heart would be seriously in doubt.

Sorry to be so blunt, OP.

PestyOne, not a nice situation to be in and illustrates just how lucky some of us are.
As for the OP's posts. I am nearly speechless! Nearly, not quite. I think you might need to re-learn what Christmas is all about, peace and goodwill to all. Maybe a spell back in kindergarten would also help too so you could learn how to be considerate to other people's needs. You have made your decision to continue to shop and do what you feel you need to do. Now your son and his wife are doing the same. You don't expect to be criticised for your decision, neither should they. You blatantly put your needs first regarding visiting last year when surgery was needed and you are now wanting to do the same this year. At what point do you consider others? It seems to me that a bit of reflection is required and a big apology to you son and his family should be paramount.

We have 5 children between us along with 10 grandchildren so it would get terribly confusing about bubbles etc! We are treating ourselves (it’s our present to each other) to Christmas lunch out! Perhaps you could consider doing something similar? x

Yes invite your own mum.and tell your son he can bring the baby to see you ALL on boxing day! He doesnt have to stay all day- just a couple of hours id suggest.After all he does want to see his OWN gran too at some point doesnt he??!

Like many on here I would do whatever it takes to keep everyone smiling and happy in these very difficult times.
We don’t know much about your situation grannylancs. For instance you haven’t said if the adult children live at home with their parents.
If they do live together then that is one household. If they don’t then they are 3 households already and your DS and DIL will be one too many. If they only constitute one household then together they are only 2 households and perhaps you could see them on another day during the holiday?
Think I’ve got that right?

You weren’t particularly thoughtful when you jeopardised his surgery, you must admit.

Nobody is coming in our house at the moment because we’re sticking to the advice; I suspect that’s just what’s happening when you meet in the garden too- nothing to do with being treated like a leper- it’s just common sense with a baby in the family.

Have a lovely Christmas with your mum and DH (I wish I could see my mum ?), and perhaps ask whether you could meet for a walk somewhere nice after Christmas Day, with a takeaway hot chocolate .

How about you suggest they see you on boxing day? Or even new years day, if its allowed?Its only fair you get to see GS too and why should they 'punish' you for having a ruddy cold last year? Its not something you did deliberate is it?- how do they know you gave them it? Could be from anywhere or could be them gave it to you even? Seems very odd to hold a grudge over that nearly a year- she sounds controlling! Not someone id want to spend my xmas day with tbh!.Let them know that youll be happy to choose a different day theres a few isnt there- is it 23- 27th? Just so long as you DO see your grandson.And id also say you had every right to contact other gran- she cant control who you speak to and in any case why was other gran not honest with you? Cant you go too if others in family are not going?up to 3 families isnt it? You dont have to have lunch if thats whats concerning them you could just go for tea or a couple of hours visit? Or how about you visit them xmas eve so you can take gifts? This DinL's out for making trouble (i certainly wouldnt want 1 like her!) So try be amenable- but make sure your son knows you expect to see your GS at some point over xmas.Even if he's got to bring him to see you.&why shouldnt he?!

Would you consider asking another couple or single person to join you on Christmas or Boxing Day? Where I live up to three households can get together. Maybe not the Christmas you were anticipating but you will be amazed at how different it will feel to lift the pressure, share the food and have a lovely party time.

Any chance of being invited now has gone.
Even if they relented and tweaked arrangements so that you could join them - what's the atmosphere going to be like around the table with two unwelcome guests?
What do you want to happen now that all this resentment over last year's cold has been aired? Do you still want to go? I don't think I would, things would be very awkward - would you still enjoy it?

You and your DH are going to be spending the Day together this year, whether you invite your Mum is up to you, but wouldn't making an enjoyable Christmas for her be a happier use for your energies?

Its the same for everyone who has families where the children have relationships or are married - unfortunately this year it just feels worse because of the pandemic. Normally I see my kids on Christmas Day but this year they have other plans, which I have to accept. My DD said she would come over to us on Boxing Day, but this probably wouldn't be a good idea as she works for the NHS and we are self isolating. Last week they had a scare where she works when they were notified that some of the patients they had seen tested positive for the virus. I think that we all need to accept that life at the moment isn't great, and hope that next year will be better.

Backedintoacorner

Actually- are you for real? You went to see a newborn whilst knowing you were ill before he was supposed to have surgery. No wonder they can’t trust you!

Totally agree Backedintoacorner

Enjoy a relaxing Christmas Day then why don’t you invite them for a late Christmas meal that’s what I am doing even if it’s mid summer! But not until we have had the vaccine!

I understand how upset you are - we haven't seen most of our grandchildren for months, but really just two observations:
This three family exclusive bubble thing is unworkable for most families, is not going to contain the virus and as you are experiencing is going to cause a sea of upset and hurt feelings.
Secondly my parents and in-laws used to do this "it's not fair" and "it's our turn" thing about Christmas and consequently I absolutely loathe everything about the season to be jolly now because it represents pressure and miffed people!
We've already told our DD and DS that the only thing we will consider is a Christmas picnic somewhere on day that suits them as they are both pressured to meet from others and the exclusive 3 will be a complete myth!

I live alone and have always been with a large family group - 4 households 4 children 6 adults, but this year I said very early on that I would not go so as to avoid all the upset this person is having - be the bigger person and do the sensible thing - it is a day that should not be complicated by upset and there is always something like Zoom for present opening if you cannot bear to miss that - there are so many risks with mixed households take it on the chin and meet when you can and are still well and safe

Can you not see them at New Year instead? When my children were little we alternated between Christmas or New Year with my inlaws and own parents. Hopefully by Easter the vaccine will have been rolled out and families can get back to some kind of normal routine but, until then, I think you have to go with what your DS and partner want to do, the only comfort is that you are not alone in this, many Grandparents are finding it impossible to reconcile the instructions from the Government with visiting/having visitors at Christmas.

One of my family members has 4 grown up kids and many grandchildren. She always does a Xmas day on Boxing Day. So the kids go their in laws on Xmas day (which keeps them happy) and it guarantees she gets everyone together on Boxing Day. Won’t be possible this year but usually works very well for all

Good post TB. Obsessing indeed.

I personally find it really bizarre they way some people obsess about Christmas, under normal circumstances, but even more so this year. If you are going to be with your husband on that day OP, you're not alone then are you? If your grandson is only one, he's not going to be that aware of what's going on anyway. We are not living in normal times, this Christmas will be one like no other we've ever experienced, therefore precautionary measures are a prerogative many will want to exercise and rightly so. If only some people stopped busting a gut to meet up and just accept that hopefully we can all lead a more normal life once the vaccines have been rolled out and the virus is on the wane, then get togethers can be had under safer circumstances.

Visiting a new born about to have surgery, with even the beginnings of a cold does display a rather determined mind set which may have some bearing on how your son and d-i-law's Christmas arrangements in these particularly difficult circumstances we are living with.

There are lots of nasty comments about the cold. I didnt go out of my way to give the baby a cold, I didnt feel particularly ill just had some sniffles and a few sneezes that escalated during the visit. I just wanted to see my GS and if I could change that I would, but this was a year ago now nearly.

My comment about the cold was not intended to be nasty. Even a few sniffles would suggest not going before a coming operation, and should have o overridden yohr totally understandable desire to see your grandchild. It happened a year ago but sadly the fact that it happened has coloured their view of how much they can trust you etc. That may be exaggerated fear but even if it is then it is still how they feel and getting upset/angry/arguing is like to emphasise rather than reduce their fear!

I think many posters do understand how you feel. Many are also aware how easily this type of problem can escalate into much bigger ones and are suggesting that for your consideration, to try and avoid bigger problems

I hope that you can sort this out ok for all of you and that you can see your grandson soon when his parents feel ok about any arrangements

You still don’t get it though do you, you keep making but only comments
You have no rights over what your adult children do at Christmas time or any other time
Enjoy your Christmas with your husband and never, never never get your husband to have a word to try and get your own way with your children’s arrangements
I personally don’t think this has anything to do with CoviD they just want to spend their holiday with her family which is their right it was your turn last year and you messed it up

Think how lucky you are my son and grandkids live 12 000
niles away and spend EVERY Christmas with his in laws

Please don’t get upset and risk your future relationship with your DS and his family.
Call DS say you are sorry you got to upset and can you arrange to meet them in a park over the holidays so you can exchange presents and see your DGS. If they have a window I am sure they will agree. This is just 1 year and the more we keep away from each other the sooner it will be over. Think about the future not just the here and now.❤️

Grannylancs, hopefully some of the advice on here will, as you say, have given you food for thought.

Looking at your last comment you still haven’t quite grasped what people here are advising you though.
“I didn’t go out of my way to give the baby a cold.......I just wanted to see my GS”
In your son and DIL’s shoes this one section would (for me) sum up the issue. You assume this is perceived as a thing you’ve done on purpose - it’s probably not what they think, but it was very careless and selfish. Which is then backed up by the fact that you “just wanted”, your wants overrode theirs and more importantly the wee ones needs.

My advice would be to have a think and and see if you can appreciate their perspective? If pre-pandemic you were cavalier in your attitude to health/safety of their child, then that may be the basis of mistrust during the pandemic.
You obviously feel left out and that’s a horrible feeling for anyone, maybe try and put the emotion aside and look at the issues. If you can see where they’re coming from you might be in a better position to find some perspective.
If you do decide to apologise, make sure you actually know what you’re sorry for and don’t try and justify your actions - you’re right you can’t change what happened then, but you can control what you say and do moving forward. Saying I’m sorry and then following it up with a but or a justification isn’t a real apology - acknowledging where you went wrong, and how you’ll ensure it won’t happen again might give them some peace of mind. IMO you need to acknowledge where you went wrong.

It’s been a tough year for everyone, so I hope you and your mum and husband have a nice festive period and when emotions cool down a little, you’re able to get things back on track with your DS and his family.

You've seen them throughout the year ,even if its garden visits you have seen them.I haven't seen my daughter or her family since the beginning of March.She has chronic health problems and theres no way I would put her at risk .Its just one day,this is the first Christmas we wont be with the whole family.some years there are 24 or more ,there will be 3 for dinner this year including my OH and I.jUST ENJOY YOUR DAY,YOU'LL SEE THEM WHEN THINGS IMPROVE

I have three children. Each one is an individual and deeply loved.
If you took one of my children and said “oh well you have two more” I would tell you where to go.

Her family want to see her (and her little family) she wants to see her family.
You don’t get a claim because you only had the one child. They do not get deprived of their daughter and her family because of you.

And yea, the ‘cold’ incident may have been a year ago but I promise you now. Knowing that you risked their babies health will stay with them for ever.
You have already nuked some bridges. Keep going and you very well will never have a relationship with any of them.