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Is it me?

(17 Posts)
Roz215 Mon 14-Dec-20 16:23:51

I am so sad. Christmas is coming and all I can see are more awkward moments and arguments. I can write all this here as I know that nobody I know will see it and I can be honest and pour out my feelings. Sorry for dumping on you all in advance.
I have a DD of 21 who has had a child, my adored GS with someone older. She pursued the relationship against all advice and concerns. She was one month into Uni and became pregnant. It was not planned and we tried to support in every way. Her father and I are separated since she was a baby and she has one older brother. She moved in with the father of her baby boy after he was born. To cut a long story short she suffered very serious post natal depression and my heart broke for her as I had been through it with my first child. She was so convinced she was dying that I tried to help by paying for her to see private specialists of all kinds- thyroid, kidney, gynae, everything. It didn’t convince her. It culminated in her going in to a psychiatric ward for a week in order to secure a brain scan for herself ( she was convinced she also had a brain tumour) but essentially what she needed was rest and sleep and medication I looked after her little boy my lovely grandson at this time. And my son helped. Again to cut a long story short the relationship broke down after she came home die to a number of factors. She decided she wanted to go back to the city where she’d been studying and return to Uni. I though it would be a good thing for her and my dear GS to have a fresh start and to allow our family relationship to heal as her brother, my son, had been dragged in to nasty arguments with her partners family. I paid her deposit and months rent. They settled in. We gave them some space and time to themselves though I supported in every way I could financially and emotionally. The baby’s father had access and had his son one night a week. In September she showed signs of not coping so we looked at ways to alleviate the stress and find means to financial help etc. I discovered that she had never applied for child benefit and though I got the forms she didn’t fill them in - I had to do it and submit them. She is a bright articulate girl who is doing fine with her subject at Uni but struggling all students are this year with Covid and the conditions it’s created. Her washing and my GS is taken weekly now and done. I clean the apartment when possible. I take my GS perhaps 2 or more often 3 days nights per week. The child’s father takes him one night and one day also. There are ongoing rows and tension there over access and legal teams now involved. I work part time also. I am sometimes called if she’s overwhelmed and will always try and get to them. The last straw today has been that because neither I nor my son (her brother) were unable to go down and take the baby ( he’s 18 months now) last night because she wanted to have a break and go to a party, despite the fact that we are minding him next Saturday and Sunday night to let her have some social life, she threw a complete strop and launched a verbal tirade at me when I went to collect my GS and said some very hurtful things to me. I’ve spent the day crying in between caring for my dear GS. She bad mouthed her brother to one of her friends which has cut him to the bone and I fear that relationship is finished. I’m so sad. What have I done wrong? I don’t know what else to do. I am tired and fearful of calls or texts from her. I feel anxious when I think of her at home over Xmas and the rows that might erupt with her brother. and yet I love her very much and just want her to be happy. I am filled with guilt also about how I want to help but my energy levels are not what they used to be when I was younger.

Muchtygirl1 Mon 14-Dec-20 16:51:20

I think tough love's required here. I get the impression that she wants everything her way and woe betide anyone who gets in the way.

You won't change her but you need to change your attitude towards her. If she can go out partying (which I am assuming is in your legal tier) then she can look after her son. By the way been there but went on an assertiveness course (kids call it bossy cow classes) but hey ho.

Set the days that you will have your GS and don't back track from then, unless it's an emergency. Good luck.

Trixii Mon 14-Dec-20 16:54:48

Hello Roz. I feel so sad for you. You sound like a lovely mother, gran and person. You're doing all you can to help and receiving nothing from your daughter in return, except for the joy of your grandson. This what happens to all really good people. I can't really help, but I understand and I hope things improve for you. You have a lovely son and grandson anyway. Best wishes.

AGAA4 Mon 14-Dec-20 16:58:51

You have nothing to feel guilty about Roz215. You are doing more than enough for your daughter. She is not a child but seems to behave like one. Throwing a strop because she can't go to a party is more like young teenage behaviour and your daughter is a mother and needs to take responsibility for her son.
She should be grateful for all you do for her.

EllanVannin Mon 14-Dec-20 17:26:05

You can't party and have a baby as well. Another who wants her cake and eat it. Where is their sense of responsibility ?
I've seen it all before and my heart goes out to you. Why do all those who go out of their way to help, get the dirty end of the stick ?

For a start, if I thought I had all kinds of illnesses etc. the last thing I'd want to do is go partying and come the next couple of weeks this will be on the minds of all young people who will expect relatives to take over any children there might be.

The whole situation is very unfair on yourself and son and I'm afraid it will be expected of you to step in with childminding when you least expect it unless you put the blockers on, and though you love your DGS and family, your DD's " eruptions " are a selfish hint that " she wants a life " regardless of how tired/ worn out you are.

Maybe you should tell her that your own health needs protecting because if you go on as you are, what happens if you're really unwell ? Who looks after the child then ?

Chewbacca Mon 14-Dec-20 17:41:22

I don't think that you could be any more helpful or supportive Roz215, you've already moved mountains to help your daughter. As for her going to a party.... well, that wasn't a good idea at the present time was it and, if she'd actually gone, there's a good chance the party would have been broken up by the police, thereby causing a further problem. As painful as this is, I agree with others that now would be a good time for you and your son to take a step back and let your daughter take some adult responsibility. Now's as good a time as any.

welbeck Mon 14-Dec-20 17:58:46

very difficult situation. sounds like your daughter has some mental problems. who looks after the child when she goes to classes. is she progressing at college.
sorry, don't know what to suggest. i wish you n yours well

Roz215 Tue 15-Dec-20 12:25:12

I posted this yesterday when I was feeling so low - I didn’t expect any replies at all. How wrong I was! Thank you all so much for taking the time. And for caring. I really appreciate it. It has made me quite emotional. People do care. That’s such a gift.
Many of the replies echo what my son has been saying. To protect my health. I know that I have felt very exhausted at times and that I now need to step back and put some boundaries in place. Or as people have pointed out I will be no good to either myself or anyone else. I am frankly so disgusted and disappointed that she would even think of going to a party even in a bubble and not be mindful of consequences to those around her, not least, us, her family who she will return to at Xmas. I am slowly realising that she is, sadly, quite selfish and as someone pointed out quite ruthless when it comes to getting her way. It’s difficult for me to see this in a daughter who I love very much but it has to be faced. She has been a little spoiled growing up I fear. That’s on me. The world will not indulge her in this way so perhaps now is the time to ring the changes. For her sake as well as everyone else. I have also had a nagging fear that she might end up back in a mental health unit or worse so that has also prevented me from being as assertive as I should have been. She makes vague threats sometimes. It frightens me. The difficult thing also to comprehend is how you raise two children exactly the same and yet they are so different. Her brother is so caring and sensitive and would literally give his all for us. I don’t get it. As I said she’s doing well in Uni, she’s bright and has friends who she is so kind to. That hurts. We see nothing of that kindness. As someone else reminded me I have my beautiful GS who has bright pure joy to all of us. Her included. They do have a lovely bond and she’s a good mum. But he needs her to be more present and not be passed around when she wants “a life”. We try to let her have that but she is a mum and he is here and deserves nothing less that the love of everyone in his little life.
I have taken all the understanding, the lovely listening ear, and frankly the sheer loving kindness and practical advice on board and I will make a stand no matter what response I get. Xx

Nanna58 Tue 15-Dec-20 12:30:10

Your position is so difficult. Just sending 💐💐

Namsnanny Tue 15-Dec-20 13:11:04

I'm glad you found some relief posting on heresmile.
Can I just point out that whilst she needs your help, you get to see your GS. Should the situation change at all (more arguments, new friends or partner for example) she may withdraw from you, or even stop you seeing your little GS.
I only say this to give you some breathing time to decide whether this should influence your future behaviour towards her.
Sorry if I seem to be a portent of doom!!

Roz215 Tue 15-Dec-20 13:36:32

Hi Namsnanny.
I understand what you’re saying and thank you. I am always aware of trying to tread a fine line. I try to be reasonable kind and understanding and a lot of the time I hold my tongue. I know it’s not easy at 21 having a baby but actions and consequences seem to have been missed by this generation. Quick fix to everything.
I will certainly not jeopardise my relationship with her or my grandson if I can at all help it. Thanks again. I know you’re sounding a nite of caution. And I take it in the spirit it’s meant. X

Roz215 Tue 15-Dec-20 13:38:41

Thank you so much. Everyone has been so kind and offered great advice. I think I didn’t realise how much I needed to be heard on this. It has helped so much.

kwest Tue 15-Dec-20 13:41:33

She sounds depressed and you sound exhausted.
Can you get any help?

M0nica Tue 15-Dec-20 21:24:54

No two children, not even twins have the same childhood. personality is affected by the random selection of genes we inherit from each parent, some times the mix ia toxic and difficult. So do not blame yourself for what your daugher is now.

While I fully unerstand your love for your daughter and grandson, I think sorting this out without risking the relationship will be very difficult.

Tell your daughter that you are getting older and cannot cope with everything. Then give her a timetable of the help you can give. Make it clear that details of the timetable can be changed, baby sitting Wednesday afternoon rather than Thursday evening or similar but the time available is fixed and non-negotiable. You daughter will cut up something rotten, this is the risk of the cut-off, but I doubt it will last long, she needs your help a lot more than you need to give it.

Stay firm despite emotional blackmail and any other threats, until she learns, that you mean what you say and said what you mean. I am sure your son will be on your side.

Roz215 Thu 17-Dec-20 00:51:50

Hi everyone: a little update. I have had a small bit of positive feedback - my DD has indicated that in Jan she has drawn up a new timetable to suit available days I’ve offered. I do know that I need to take a firmer stance and make it non negotiable and not back down in the face of any emotional blackmail. I’ve caved before but for the sake of my own well being I cannot anymore. My son is adamant I stick with it. And will support this.
I didn’t think too much on inherited genes before but it makes absolute sense when you think about it. Thank you. Every day a school day!
Thank you all. I feel massively relieved for having shared this and got all your input. 🙏

Hetty58 Thu 17-Dec-20 01:10:26

Roz215, it's time to take a step back now. You've done all you possibly can and I'm sure that you'll still care for your grandson whenever possible.

As a retired teacher, I really wonder if university is a good place for her to be right now. It can be so tough, even without a small child to care for. Perhaps she needs to take a year out?

Roz215 Fri 18-Dec-20 00:37:23

Hi Hetty, thanks for the reply. I did wonder the same thing but she had already taken a year out to have her baby boy and she was really determined to return. I was concerned but she was adamant so I felt the best thing was to be supportive and facilitate her dream. I can but hope it was the right decision. I’ll keep supporting them both and try and take care of my own needs in there too!