Not allowed to give childcare

Understand your wanting to support your daughter but this is in her hands. Sounds like she is working from home and looking after the children while her husband just gets on with his work. Not surprising he thinks no help with childcare is needed. If she wants things to change, she needs to leave childcare to him for a few days. Many have said the lockdown has taken women back to the 50s in the way households were run, but the majority of women didn't work while they had young children then, so it's worse. Only the women themselves can do anything to change things.

Why does his work take priority?

Does he do his share of childcare (and other chores) at home?

Why does he have the final say?

We obviously can't know all the minute details of this situation, but aside from many of us desperately wanting to see our families, and especially our grandchildren, I think your SIL -assuming there's no underlying reason - is being considerate to you, as keeping people apart is the way to get safely through this period. How about you offer other kinds of help, like making meals and delivering them, collecting ironing, or even doing shopping if it's something they would have to do themselves?...

I dont think the OP is thinking about herself. I get the impression she just wants to help her daughter.
I do think the parents have to sort out the childcare arrangements for themselves though.

I have to say that I feel many people are using these’ bubbles’ as an excuse to just keep seeing grandchildren rather than providing essential childcare!

Once the children haven't been to school for a couple of weeks and both the family and you are otherwise isolating I can't see a problem with childcare except your SIL. However, our children's partners can be, as many of us seem to know, difficult people to deal with and we need to tread carefully particularly at the moment. Ours is a different issue. Our DIL's mother steps in to help even though she lives further away than we do so we often feel cut out. Nevertheless we try to think carefully before we speak because things said in haste can't be retracted easily.

Just let the parents sort it out between themselves. You should not interfere and it could just be that he is thinking of you as much as the children. Get on with your lives and find things to keep you occupied. The grandchildren will still be there and will be looking forward to spenbding time with you again in the future!

Hate to say this as you sound quite upset about the situation, but is this really more about your “wants” rather than their “needs” ?
I think your SIL is correct when he says it’s against the regs as the parents are both at home. It would be a totally different situation regarding a childcare bubble if the parents were out at work.

Sorry, it’s not what you wanted to hear Lincolnimp

My D and SIL are in the same position, finding it difficult to work from home with one child being home schooled and one 4 year old. Fortunately for D and myself SIL has no objections to my helping out, because it means he doesn't have to. Sad but true.
However, if he had objected and I was unable to help, he would leave it all to my DD. Saying she should sort it out with her OH is no help at all.

I agree with Hetty58 .There may also be other things here.
Also your DD may be venting to you as we all need to do and things aren’t as bad . Also she may want you to still feel needed after making the move to be near them after all.
You may also be putting a slight spin on how your husband “ helped out at home “ when your children were little . Things are or should be different now so they are definitely the ones to sort it out together and you,ll still be there fit and well when we get through this and have had our vaccines.

My son and daughter-in-law work and are working from home they have a young child, they won’t let him be looked after due to the virus. You just need to accept we are in difficult times. You are only allowed to meet one person outside socially distance of course. Your SIL maybe helping. Difficult situation, but just hold back for now.

As long as your SiL is doing his fair share I can’t see a problem. If your DD is doing more - I feel she should sort this out with her H.

I tend to agree with him. Of course, it's difficult working with children around - but it's possible.

He should do his share of the childcare too, of course (maybe he does) but the safest option is to avoid unnecessary contact.

How would your daughter feel if you caught the virus from them?

Don't confuse your wish to look after the children with their 'need' for childcare.

I wonder if the childcare has been thoroughly discussed? You say “the general consensus” about the earlier (very loose) arrangement.

You say now, “permitted childcare seems the answer” - but obviously it’s doesnt seem the answer to some.

If your daughter is struggling she needs to have this conversation with her husband. If he isn’t struggling then obviously she is bailing him out. They need to, as Galaxy says, discuss how he can do his share of the childcare. Then they will see if they want additional support from you or not.

Well he needs to do half of the childcare doesnt he.But this is up to them to sort out.

the general consensus was that we would help out with childcare

Just wonder if this was agreed more with you and your daughter, not so much with him, and the present situation allows him to ‘enforce’ it more. Perhaps he is concerned that they will see more of you than he really wants? Now the move is a reality? Talking about future plans is not how it always pans out.

It is upsetting when you feel your daughter could use more support, but they really have to sort this between themselves.

This sounds like a disagreement between the parents. The rules say you can have a childcare bubble to allow parents to work. Your DD needs to discuss with her DH the fact that she can’t work effectively and care for the children at the same time. Either he has to step up and share the childcare or allow you to take them for a while to give them some space. But that’s a conversation for your DD and her partner to have, not you. Maybe he’s concerned about the health risks to you?