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Not allowed to give childcare

(68 Posts)
lincolnimp Fri 15-Jan-21 02:56:22

We have moved to be near youngest DD, SIL and GC since Lockdown 1.
When we were planning the move pre Covid, the general consensus was that we would heip out with the children, aged 4 and 6, collect them from school occasionally etc.
Of couse, much has changed and we have all been adhering to the rules.
During the not really lock down, when thechildren were st school, they would come and talk to us on their way home---social distancing.
Now however, they are again not at school, and I know that DD is finding it really hard to work from home and cope with 2 energetic children who are fed up of having their lives restricted yet again.
SIL has his own work demands also working from home, and like many men that takes priority.
So, permitted childcare seems the answer, except he won't agree because he doesnt believe that it is going by the rules because they 'don't need it'
I did meet up with DD and the 2 chikdren last Saturday for our permitted exercise, which we turned into a scavenger hunt for them, and he wasn't even happy with that.
There are no answers, I just feel very down at the moment and would love to help my daughter out.

vegansrock Fri 15-Jan-21 04:00:14

This sounds like a disagreement between the parents. The rules say you can have a childcare bubble to allow parents to work. Your DD needs to discuss with her DH the fact that she can’t work effectively and care for the children at the same time. Either he has to step up and share the childcare or allow you to take them for a while to give them some space. But that’s a conversation for your DD and her partner to have, not you. Maybe he’s concerned about the health risks to you?

Calendargirl Fri 15-Jan-21 07:41:33

the general consensus was that we would help out with childcare

Just wonder if this was agreed more with you and your daughter, not so much with him, and the present situation allows him to ‘enforce’ it more. Perhaps he is concerned that they will see more of you than he really wants? Now the move is a reality? Talking about future plans is not how it always pans out.

It is upsetting when you feel your daughter could use more support, but they really have to sort this between themselves.

Galaxy Fri 15-Jan-21 08:38:44

Well he needs to do half of the childcare doesnt he.But this is up to them to sort out.

NotSpaghetti Fri 15-Jan-21 08:57:50

I wonder if the childcare has been thoroughly discussed? You say “the general consensus” about the earlier (very loose) arrangement.

You say now, “permitted childcare seems the answer” - but obviously it’s doesnt seem the answer to some.

If your daughter is struggling she needs to have this conversation with her husband. If he isn’t struggling then obviously she is bailing him out. They need to, as Galaxy says, discuss how he can do his share of the childcare. Then they will see if they want additional support from you or not.

Hetty58 Fri 15-Jan-21 09:07:48

I tend to agree with him. Of course, it's difficult working with children around - but it's possible.

He should do his share of the childcare too, of course (maybe he does) but the safest option is to avoid unnecessary contact.

How would your daughter feel if you caught the virus from them?

Don't confuse your wish to look after the children with their 'need' for childcare.

NannyDaft Fri 15-Jan-21 09:41:59

As long as your SiL is doing his fair share I can’t see a problem. If your DD is doing more - I feel she should sort this out with her H.

Mini2020 Fri 15-Jan-21 09:46:01

My son and daughter-in-law work and are working from home they have a young child, they won’t let him be looked after due to the virus. You just need to accept we are in difficult times. You are only allowed to meet one person outside socially distance of course. Your SIL maybe helping. Difficult situation, but just hold back for now.

RosieJ18 Fri 15-Jan-21 09:56:37

I agree with Hetty58 .There may also be other things here.
Also your DD may be venting to you as we all need to do and things aren’t as bad . Also she may want you to still feel needed after making the move to be near them after all.
You may also be putting a slight spin on how your husband “ helped out at home “ when your children were little . Things are or should be different now so they are definitely the ones to sort it out together and you,ll still be there fit and well when we get through this and have had our vaccines.

Biscuit Fri 15-Jan-21 09:58:02

My D and SIL are in the same position, finding it difficult to work from home with one child being home schooled and one 4 year old. Fortunately for D and myself SIL has no objections to my helping out, because it means he doesn't have to. Sad but true.
However, if he had objected and I was unable to help, he would leave it all to my DD. Saying she should sort it out with her OH is no help at all.

Danma Fri 15-Jan-21 09:58:24

Hate to say this as you sound quite upset about the situation, but is this really more about your “wants” rather than their “needs” ?
I think your SIL is correct when he says it’s against the regs as the parents are both at home. It would be a totally different situation regarding a childcare bubble if the parents were out at work.

Sorry, it’s not what you wanted to hear Lincolnimp

Jacks10 Fri 15-Jan-21 09:59:10

Just let the parents sort it out between themselves. You should not interfere and it could just be that he is thinking of you as much as the children. Get on with your lives and find things to keep you occupied. The grandchildren will still be there and will be looking forward to spenbding time with you again in the future!

Dearknees1 Fri 15-Jan-21 10:05:37

Once the children haven't been to school for a couple of weeks and both the family and you are otherwise isolating I can't see a problem with childcare except your SIL. However, our children's partners can be, as many of us seem to know, difficult people to deal with and we need to tread carefully particularly at the moment. Ours is a different issue. Our DIL's mother steps in to help even though she lives further away than we do so we often feel cut out. Nevertheless we try to think carefully before we speak because things said in haste can't be retracted easily.

Tricia1951 Fri 15-Jan-21 10:07:36

I have to say that I feel many people are using these’ bubbles’ as an excuse to just keep seeing grandchildren rather than providing essential childcare!

rafichagran Fri 15-Jan-21 10:11:05

I dont think the OP is thinking about herself. I get the impression she just wants to help her daughter.
I do think the parents have to sort out the childcare arrangements for themselves though.

riccib123 Fri 15-Jan-21 10:12:46

We obviously can't know all the minute details of this situation, but aside from many of us desperately wanting to see our families, and especially our grandchildren, I think your SIL -assuming there's no underlying reason - is being considerate to you, as keeping people apart is the way to get safely through this period. How about you offer other kinds of help, like making meals and delivering them, collecting ironing, or even doing shopping if it's something they would have to do themselves?...

Daftapath Fri 15-Jan-21 10:14:59

Why does his work take priority?

Does he do his share of childcare (and other chores) at home?

Why does he have the final say?

JanCl Fri 15-Jan-21 10:22:16

Understand your wanting to support your daughter but this is in her hands. Sounds like she is working from home and looking after the children while her husband just gets on with his work. Not surprising he thinks no help with childcare is needed. If she wants things to change, she needs to leave childcare to him for a few days. Many have said the lockdown has taken women back to the 50s in the way households were run, but the majority of women didn't work while they had young children then, so it's worse. Only the women themselves can do anything to change things.

rafichagran Fri 15-Jan-21 10:23:09

*I wondered that as well Daftapath
If he does not want to do his share of the childcare, I think he should think of his wife and let her Mother help.
One of my pet hates is people who take the moral high ground but are not prepared to help or take their share of the responsibility.

CleoPanda Fri 15-Jan-21 10:25:15

Isn’t the message clear enough? We should not be mixing households unless absolutely necessary.
There are two parents working from home who need to organise their days to supervise two children.
There is no need for a bubble which then introduces another person into the household.
Daughter needs to have a serious discussion with husband.
Thousands of other families are managing?

Sunlover Fri 15-Jan-21 10:27:08

Would it be possible to take the children out for a walk for maybe an hour a few times a week. The fresh air will be good for them and will give your daughter a short break.

NotSpaghetti Fri 15-Jan-21 10:27:57

Good idea regarding meals and laundry Riccib123 - I think that’s a good way to help without interfering. I have done that for my family now and then.

You could also (funds/resources permitting) put together little things to do for the children. Things they won’t need help with, obviously!

aquafish Fri 15-Jan-21 10:29:58

My DD is clearly really struggling with part time hours from home and 2 under fives. My D SiL works full time from home. I have been asked to think about having the children 5 days a week to help them out short term but they live at the other end of the country. I can’t see how this would be practical or helpful for anyone especially until we get the vaccine. You can only be there for your family, albeit virtually at present and look forward to brighter times ahead. I hope you are glad you made the move nearer to the family, something I do consider.

Biscuit Fri 15-Jan-21 10:33:03

CleoPanda - I'm sure thousands of other families are managing, people with supportive partners and happy marriages will be. There will be thousands of families who are not, and who for the sake of their own mental health and the mental health of the children need help.

Santana Fri 15-Jan-21 10:34:23

My SIL was a bit obstructive when I wanted to continue to pick my 5 yr old GS up from school when the new variant began. He was absolutely correct that my Nana gene was overiding my common sense, and I was putting myself at risk.
The situation has changed with school closed and parents WFH, both with busy jobs. So I offered to help if they needed me and said no more. I'm taking my GS 4 mornings a week for now.
I pick him up from the doorstep and don't go in their house, which I assume meets the 'no social contact' in the rules. We are on all very careful and don't mess with this virus.