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AC living with you

(9 Posts)
Nanamar Tue 04-May-21 01:34:42

My DS moved in with us a little less than a year ago after his divorce. My DH died about six weeks ago and of course having DS here was helpful during DH’s illness and is now. We are very alike in terms of having been only children who value our “space” and solitude. Since DH’s death, however, my grief often takes the guise of anxiety. I try to not hover over DS who is 40 and obviously a grown man. If he didn’t live here, I’d have no notion of where he is when not home or at work, etc. but I’m wondering if it would be too intrusive at this point to at least ask him to text me about where he is if, for example, he’s scheduled to work until a certain time but arrives home much later. I’m sure my heightened anxiety is partly due to the profound loss I’ve experienced - he’s grieving as well of course so I’m wary about adding any pressure. What are your expectations for your ACs who reside with you?

Hithere Tue 04-May-21 02:41:41

I am so sorry for your loss

I think it is too much to ask him that and i am glad you realize that as well.

ninathenana Tue 04-May-21 05:39:58

I have had my adult daughter living with me for a few months at various times due to circumstances.
I empathise with the anxiety over where she is if she's late. When she is not living here, I obviously have no idea of her movements and don't think about it. I have casually said text if your going to be late. Some times she remembers ?
Sorry to hear of your DH's death and I do feel that is part of your problem. Having lost one loved one you need to know your son is safe.
I wouldn't ask his whereabouts but I think it's only courtesy for him to say if he will be late. Yes, he's a man but to me it's only polite.

CafeAuLait Tue 04-May-21 07:52:30

Maybe don't ask his whereabouts but more general questions like, what time do you expect to be home? I think that sort of thing is just general courteous behaviour for people who live together.

M0nica Tue 04-May-21 08:03:56

I think in any household where there are family links,(in other words not flat shares) it is only courtesy to let someone know if you are not going to be home when you say you will.

It is something we have always done. If going out say where you are going and when you think you will be back. No details needed. Now we all have mobile phones, let someone know if you will be late.

For us, and that includes DS and family, it is second nature.

Mind you both our family and DDiL's have received those phone calls telling us that family members and others close to us have been injured or killed in road accidents, or taken to hospital after falling ill suddenly, but we did it before these events.

Polarbear2 Tue 04-May-21 08:26:16

I agree with above posts. When you live with someone it’s courtesy to say roughly when you expect to be home. I had this with my DS when he lived with me. Occasionally he’d forget to call but at least on a general basis I knew. I always think it’s good if people think how they would feel. How would he feel if you went out and didn’t come home and didn’t tell him. I bet he’d be very worried? Good luck.

sodapop Tue 04-May-21 08:33:53

I agree it's a matter of courtesy to give an estimated time of returning home. Its understandable you are anxious at the moment Nanamar and I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your husband.
Talk to your son and explain how you feel its always helpful to share concerns.

Nonogran Tue 04-May-21 08:51:05

I used to leave a bedside lamp on in my daughter's bedroom & my door & her door ajar when she was shift working or out socialising. I tried to sleep but one way I knew she was home was that the landing was in darkness because her lamp was out.
If it had gotten to 0200 then and only then I'd worry but that never happy & worked well for us.

jusnoneed Tue 04-May-21 08:56:43

The only thing I like my son to let me know is if he is going to be late for a meal he knows I'm cooking. Other than he goes out and about in his own time frame. That said he will sometimes let us know if he is going to be particularly late for some reason.
Usually I know if he's staying out as he takes a change of clothes etc.

Sorry for your loss.