90 year old unwilling to meet after self isolating

One of the greatest indignities of first widowhood and then approaching age was people doing things ‘for me’ that I didn’t in the least want them to do. ?

looking out of my bedroom window and seeing a neighbour digging my garden unbidden.

A visitor kindly coming to ‘keep me company’.

Helpful gifts of items they thought I should have in my house.

They wouldn’t have intruded like that when I was 50 and working. Why did they think they had the right to interfere in how I lived, because I was older and not living with someone.

It diminished me as an independent person. It meant they saw me differently from the person I am. I had become less of that person in their eyes.

If the OP needs to see her Mum for her own personal benefit, to gain something from it, because she needs her Mum, then I don’t suppose there are many mothers that would turn their child down.

I do find it a bit amusing/frustrating that people can’t accept that her Mum is happy as she is. It reminds me of my MIL who could never accept that you didn’t want a cup of tea and would produce one anyway. And then you were obliged to drink it because she had made it.?

Even if she’s 90 she has a right to decide if she wants to see someone or not.

You know all of us grandparents who have been desperate to meet up with our children and grandchildren again, reassure ourselves that they’re okay and our relationships with them are unbroken?

Well here we have a daughter desperate to see her mum again, in person, for all the same reasons - and somehow that comes across as unacceptable? What am I missing?

Would you want to be infantilized like this by your adult children?

Polarbear2

Well as a daughter with a very elderly mum I’d be there whether she liked it or not. I’d want to see my mum and make sure she is actually OK. Each to their own but I’d never live with myself if I didn’t see her and it turned out she wasn’t really ok.

But that would be about you. You're admitting that you would do things your mother might not like.

Do you think she would be happier to meet up if she knew that her vaccinations had worked?
I was feeling anxious so got myself a Covid antibody test which showed that I had the highest level of protection despite being on immunosuppressants.
If the GP won't do it you can pay for a test. I got mine from Lloyds pharmacy on line but I had to fill a tube from a finger prick which she may find a bit daunting. I think some pharmacies will do it in person.
I admit to being a bit like your Mum and have actually enjoyed an excuse not to socialise.

Well as a daughter with a very elderly mum I’d be there whether she liked it or not. I’d want to see my mum and make sure she is actually OK. Each to their own but I’d never live with myself if I didn’t see her and it turned out she wasn’t really ok.

Sounds like a good plan FarNorth.

You drove all that way. It seems very selfish of her to refuse to even wave at you.

There's no suggestion from missunderstood that she offered that option.

My idea - say to mother that you would like to see her in person and suggest a garden visit where you both stay well apart, perhaps even with her inside looking through a window.
Then actually do that - no trying to get closer or give a gift.

If your mother isn't happy with that, accept it.

Polarbear2

But. But. While I get where you’re coming from Peas what about the daughter? She has feelings too and wants to see her mum. It’s not just about one person??

That's not what was written in the OP. If it's more about the daughter wanting to see her mother, maybe she should admit that rather than saying that implying this is about the mother's welfare.

Videochat, calls.... there are so many other ways to see a person and how she is doing

For a meeting in person to happen, both parties have to be willing to do that.

Why shall one party's feelings be totally overridden and disregardedfor the only benefit of the second party?

But. But. While I get where you’re coming from Peas what about the daughter? She has feelings too and wants to see her mum. It’s not just about one person??

Actually, what you suggested made me giggle because it was like one torment heaped on another?

First she turns up, even though her mum’s said no thank you.
Then she phones.
Then she makes her mum come to the door
Then she sits in the driveway until her mum comes out
Then she gives her gifts

The final horror was when you suggested she came back several times???

You’re thinking of it from your point of view. Someone who would love contact but is nervous and would welcome all that encouragement.
But this lady has always been very happy with her own company.

Honestly, what you’ve suggested would be a torment. she does seem to be very clear about what she wants.

I'd be worried too. My friend was very strict about seeing people and wouldn't have them in her home. In the end she had a breakdown and was sectioned! She was perfectly ok beforehand

And the OP did ask for ideas so that is what I did, gave her my ideas on how she might get to see her mum again. I’m not suggesting she drags her mum out for a massive party, just spend a few minutes with her mum.

I think you will have to visit her some way in the summer basically to check on her and the state of her home etc .

Maybe because prior to lockdown, this lady was not a total hermit and just needs to gain confidence again?

Teacheranne

Why is it so hard to accept a no for an answer, even if it is not what a person wanted to hear?

Peasblossom

Oh. That’s just tormenting her, Teacheranne.

?

Why won’t people who enjoy this stuff believe that there are people who don’t?

Who is that tormenting her? I was thinking it might give her mum the confidence to meet with people again as, although not outgoing, it appears that she did see her daughter at least before the pandemic and might just need coaxing a little.

So you dont want chocolate cake, no worries!
I will give it to you in person and make you eat it several times when you dont even want one portion! And you should be thankful I care about you and make this effort!

Yes, that is a recipe for disaster.

Oh. That’s just tormenting her, Teacheranne.

?

Why won’t people who enjoy this stuff believe that there are people who don’t?

My advice would be to visit this summer as planned and actually go to the house even if your mum is not keen. You could phone her from outside to encourage her to wave to you from a window or open door. Then go a little closer, up the drive maybe for a light hearted chat and you might find that your mum relaxes enough to feel more comfortable.

Perhaps you could take a garden chair with you to sit on the drive or in the garden while your mum sits on a chair in an open door way? Take a present with you, something that your mum could “isolate” for a few days or disinfect, like chocolates, a bottle of something or slippers.

If you make these small approaches, your mum might relax and get used to having visitors again, she’s been on her own for so long that she will be very anxious - like a shy child that need encouraging to talk to a strange adult.

I assume that if you are driving 300 miles, you will be staying at least one night so you will have the opportunity to repeat your visit a few times.

I hope you do get to spend a little time with your mum

having driven within 20 miles of her last summer I think you should have gone to her 'garden gate' quick knock on door then back to gate.......a wave may have been okay. It's easy for her to say no if your 20 miles away.. Even a wave from the gate.

The OP is really being 'misunderstood' - she is not talking about her mum meeting all and sundry, and going to social events, etc- but about her mum meeting her own daughter, whom she has not seen for over 1 year- and may never see again.

I am so sorry Missunderstood, I agree with you that it is very sad and can understand how you feel somehow 'rejected' and upset. No solution I'm afraid, but I feel your pain- you are not 'people'. You have my sympathy.

Couldn’t you have waved through the window? You drove all that way. It seems very selfish of her to refuse to even wave at you. It’s about your needs as a daughter too surely? She might have got it into her head that she’s locked in. My mum gets daft ideas too. If she saw you happy and waving she might feel she wants to come out? What if she’s taken ill? She’ll have to see you then. It’s a sad situation and you live so far away it must be very difficult. Good luck. X