90 year old unwilling to meet after self isolating

If she is comfortable with the situation, why are you worried about it?

I like people but in reality, lockdown didn't bother me at all. I have a partner but he got locked elsewhere in the UK due to family responsibilities. Likewise I couldn't go to him. We finally reunited on April 12th.
I enjoyed my life on my lonesome & now, have no real drive to hook up with friends & acquaintances again. Maybe I'm like your mum, happy & self contained. I like my own company & head space.
My partner is back with me again & we're fine but I don't actively seek others so I can understand your mum's desire to be "left alone."

I don’t have any advice I’m afraid but oh my goodness, what a sad situation.

If she’s happy with it, leave it to her. It would be much worse if she wanted to meet and couldn’t. Just keep in touch.

There was another thread about how much introverts like and need time and space to themselves.

Honestly, it’s not “sad” or “antisocial”. It’s what we like.

The phone call or the on-line chat is good because we can end it when we want. The stress comes from the company we can’t shed when we need to.

Like the other thread said, she doesn’t make her extrovert colleagues be quiet, so why do they keep trying to make her join in!

(This isn’t really a thread about a thread, it’s just a backup for what I’m trying to say)

Is your Mum happy? Well, there we go?

There have been a few people on GN that have liked not having to socialise and have had a good reason to say no to visitors without having to feel awkward.

I dislike social events, weddings, parties, and the like, but there is always someone that will try to persuade me to attend telling me I am being miserable and that I should go for other people. I never say to others they should not attend an event so why they have the right to insist I mix I do not know.

I meant to say let her do as she likes rather than how it is for me.

OP

"I drove to within 20 miles of her last summer hoping that she would agree to a visit but she was so worried that I would "bring something" that I didn't actually visit. I offered a short car trip, with her in the back, and that we could both wear a mask but she was unwilling."

I don't blame your mother at all.
Covid was very new last year and we couldn't see the end of the tunnel.
Getting in a car with another person would have been a huge no no for me too.

"I've said I'll visit in the summer, and that as we've been vaccinated, we need to get back to "normal" but she's not happy with that. "
I hope you realize her normal is not your normal.
Drop the visit, it is not going to work

"She has always been antisocial, never had friends, won't have any help at home and "can't be doing with people" and I think has actually been quite comfortable with the situation as she doesn't have to be bothered."
That is your answer. Stop hoping your mother is a different person.

Ideas? Let her be. She is happy as she is

Couldn’t you have waved through the window? You drove all that way. It seems very selfish of her to refuse to even wave at you. It’s about your needs as a daughter too surely? She might have got it into her head that she’s locked in. My mum gets daft ideas too. If she saw you happy and waving she might feel she wants to come out? What if she’s taken ill? She’ll have to see you then. It’s a sad situation and you live so far away it must be very difficult. Good luck. X

The OP is really being 'misunderstood' - she is not talking about her mum meeting all and sundry, and going to social events, etc- but about her mum meeting her own daughter, whom she has not seen for over 1 year- and may never see again.

I am so sorry Missunderstood, I agree with you that it is very sad and can understand how you feel somehow 'rejected' and upset. No solution I'm afraid, but I feel your pain- you are not 'people'. You have my sympathy.

having driven within 20 miles of her last summer I think you should have gone to her 'garden gate' quick knock on door then back to gate.......a wave may have been okay. It's easy for her to say no if your 20 miles away.. Even a wave from the gate.

My advice would be to visit this summer as planned and actually go to the house even if your mum is not keen. You could phone her from outside to encourage her to wave to you from a window or open door. Then go a little closer, up the drive maybe for a light hearted chat and you might find that your mum relaxes enough to feel more comfortable.

Perhaps you could take a garden chair with you to sit on the drive or in the garden while your mum sits on a chair in an open door way? Take a present with you, something that your mum could “isolate” for a few days or disinfect, like chocolates, a bottle of something or slippers.

If you make these small approaches, your mum might relax and get used to having visitors again, she’s been on her own for so long that she will be very anxious - like a shy child that need encouraging to talk to a strange adult.

I assume that if you are driving 300 miles, you will be staying at least one night so you will have the opportunity to repeat your visit a few times.

I hope you do get to spend a little time with your mum

Oh. That’s just tormenting her, Teacheranne.

?

Why won’t people who enjoy this stuff believe that there are people who don’t?

So you dont want chocolate cake, no worries!
I will give it to you in person and make you eat it several times when you dont even want one portion! And you should be thankful I care about you and make this effort!

Yes, that is a recipe for disaster.

Peasblossom

Oh. That’s just tormenting her, Teacheranne.

?

Why won’t people who enjoy this stuff believe that there are people who don’t?

Who is that tormenting her? I was thinking it might give her mum the confidence to meet with people again as, although not outgoing, it appears that she did see her daughter at least before the pandemic and might just need coaxing a little.

Teacheranne

Why is it so hard to accept a no for an answer, even if it is not what a person wanted to hear?

Maybe because prior to lockdown, this lady was not a total hermit and just needs to gain confidence again?

I think you will have to visit her some way in the summer basically to check on her and the state of her home etc .

And the OP did ask for ideas so that is what I did, gave her my ideas on how she might get to see her mum again. I’m not suggesting she drags her mum out for a massive party, just spend a few minutes with her mum.

I'd be worried too. My friend was very strict about seeing people and wouldn't have them in her home. In the end she had a breakdown and was sectioned! She was perfectly ok beforehand

Actually, what you suggested made me giggle because it was like one torment heaped on another?

First she turns up, even though her mum’s said no thank you.
Then she phones.
Then she makes her mum come to the door
Then she sits in the driveway until her mum comes out
Then she gives her gifts

The final horror was when you suggested she came back several times???

You’re thinking of it from your point of view. Someone who would love contact but is nervous and would welcome all that encouragement.
But this lady has always been very happy with her own company.

Honestly, what you’ve suggested would be a torment. she does seem to be very clear about what she wants.

But. But. While I get where you’re coming from Peas what about the daughter? She has feelings too and wants to see her mum. It’s not just about one person??

Videochat, calls.... there are so many other ways to see a person and how she is doing

For a meeting in person to happen, both parties have to be willing to do that.

Why shall one party's feelings be totally overridden and disregardedfor the only benefit of the second party?

Polarbear2

But. But. While I get where you’re coming from Peas what about the daughter? She has feelings too and wants to see her mum. It’s not just about one person??

That's not what was written in the OP. If it's more about the daughter wanting to see her mother, maybe she should admit that rather than saying that implying this is about the mother's welfare.

You drove all that way. It seems very selfish of her to refuse to even wave at you.

There's no suggestion from missunderstood that she offered that option.

My idea - say to mother that you would like to see her in person and suggest a garden visit where you both stay well apart, perhaps even with her inside looking through a window.
Then actually do that - no trying to get closer or give a gift.

If your mother isn't happy with that, accept it.