90 year old unwilling to meet after self isolating

My sympathy lies with the daughter in this case. Such a worry especially at such a great distance. It’s a very difficult situation. It’s not about forcing her mother to do anything she doesn’t want to do but about checking on her welfare. All the pressures and anxieties of the pandemic may have made her antisocial behaviour so much worse. Many people have been affected and it takes time to feel more confident again. In this case, given the mother’s age and isolated way of living it’s important to check up on her. If this means waving from the window it’s a start.
As for those who no longer wish to keep their house tidy for visitors or dress up .... where have your standards gone?

Thank you for the extra clarification missunderstood. I am racking my brain to think who you could contact to get help. It seems to me that, at the very least your mother could do with an alarm system but, at the end of the day, if she is still competent she will have the last say - in fact, she will anyway if a system is put in. She may not use it.

That said, I think you need help. You are shouldering quite a burden of anxiety for your mother. When we needed help for my mother - who because of dementia and a strong streak of independence thought she could still look after herself - I contacted the council. I know they are all pulled out at the moment but most councils have a team helping people who are having to isolate at home. You could explain what you do for your mum, but how far away you are and that she hasn't anyone close nearby who could just see if she is okay. They may be able to arrange something - even if it is just a volunteer knocking every so often it would be a start to her having some contact. If she tells them to go away they will understand and it should not stop them from repeating the attempt just to get a reply from her.

I don't know if this is possible in her area but I think it if you managed to make contact with someone in her council it would start the ball rolling. Thankfully my mother never sent me away and, although many things became my fault, that was her anxiety more than anything else. But she would be sharp with the carers and send them away if she saw fit. However, as they say, old age is not for wimps and these ladies are made of stern stuff that keeps them going whatever the odds are against them.

Take care. We often need help in order to help if you see what I mean.

Cross post with you misunderstood. All the best.

No-where does Missunderstood talking about forcing her mother to meet, or putting pressure.

No, she doesn't. But if I were her mum (in the situation last summer) I'd feel pressured by my loving relative phoning to say that she's not far away with the car and wants me to come out for a run.
Presumably Mum had already said that she didn't want to do anything of the sort but misunderstood thought she'd give it a go anyway.
There's no mention of suggesting a socially distanced garden visit, or even a wave from the window. Both of those are things that Mum might have been happy with, to pacify misunderstood. So it doesn't seem as if misunderstood is trying to see things from her Mum's point of view.

(Any of the 'cajoling' or subtle edging up the path, suggested by some posters, would have me backing into the house and slamming the door.)

Same here

All the best. I wish you and your mum good luck and happiness. ?

All the best missunderstood. Hope it all works out

Thank you ladies, I appreciate your various opinions.
I have no wish to make my mother socialise - she was never comfortable in company and can be rude and difficult at the best of times.
May7 is has hit the nail on the head - she won't have an alarm, has no internet, no contact with anyone but me, and has been unpleasant to neighbours.
Because she has had many falls over the years, has very high BP, plus angina, my main concern is that she falls, has no means of getting help, and can't answer my calls.
I was hoping that, by getting her to at least meet me, she might adjust to being out and about a little.
I shall just have to wait - if there comes a time when I've phoned a few times to no answer, then the police will have to be contacted. It takes 5 hours to get there, so that seems like the best option.
Thanks anyway.

IOP = OP

I can see both sides. The OP wants to see her mum and her mum doesn't want to see anybody. We don't know why she doesn't want to see anybody but irrespective of her age, that's her choice.

Given that getting in a car with someone is still quite high risk I would think that is not a great suggestion for somebody who might be worried about infection.

If it were me, I would travel to the area and stay overnight somewhere, and ask my mum if I could come and see her from the garden, if that's possible, and have a chat. No pressure, no requests to go indoors, no offers of cake, no cajoling. Then the IOP can see her mum, get an idea if there is a problem to be addressed, or satisfy herself that mum is, in fact, OK.

My view only, of course, but I'm with the introverts on this thread.

If you are doing your mother's shopping online and speaking on the telephone can I assume that she doesn't have access to the internet and cannot facetime If so, then you really cannot know if she is OK as you haven't actually seen her.

I would be concerned as to her welfare as you say she has always been antisocial and so presumably no one has seen her. It's very easy to convince someone over the phone that things are in order. I know this from experience with my MIL.

Personally, as her daughter, I would visit and check she is really ok. Stay overnight somewhere near and then come home.

I wouldn't contact the neighbours (shes antisocial) or GP, unless when you get there she is Ill.

It has been a difficult year and for some it has been the excuse they needed to stay at home and that's fine but for your own peace of mind, (you're are allowed that) I'd make the journey.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

The OP says of her mother She has always been antisocial, never had friends, won't have any help at home and "can't be doing with people" and I think has actually been quite comfortable with the situation as she doesn't have to be bothered. so it doesn't seem as if this is a change just because of Covid.

If the OP could come back and let us know what her mother did enjoy previously, it might be possible to offer more suggestions that would suit her.

Arghh! Why is it so hard to understand that this lady is happy with the support she gets and her life as it is. Indeed it’s the life she always wanted ?

Why do other people think they know best and she does needs persuading into a different life, when she’s made herself quite clear?

Truly, is it so impossible to believe that some people would rather be alone than in company?

I wouldn’t stop anyone from going out with friends and family if that’s what they like. Why do they want to stop her from being alone when that’s what she likes?

Just re-read the OP. No-where does Missunderstood talking about forcing her mother to meet, or putting pressure. But asking for ideas on how to help her mum realise, as varian says, that it can be safe.

I no longer have a mum and do miss her still many years later. The thought of her refusing to see me would be very upsetting- and of course it would have been her right. I feel for you, and yes, you are, Missundersood.

Perhaps the house is a real mess, she has been hoarding, and thinks you will be critical. Or that she herself has 'let herself go' - hair, nails, clothes, etc. Or both.

My brother was widowed 2 years ago, and his wife's daughter from a previous marriage barges in and says the place is in a mess, puts my brother in one room, and goes around cleaning and throwing everything from the firdge away, and papers he is still reading, etc, etc. He just does not have the courage or strength to tell her to 'get off'. She means well- but is a total pita!

If OP and her Mum have both been double jabbed, and OP is generally careful, then there should be very little risk involved in meeting Mum. Perhaps she needs a little longer to realise that it would be safe.

God the thought of someone cajoling me is making my toes curl

FarNorth
There are only 12 bungalows in our close. There would usual be about 6/8 of us who went out for every meeting ( once a week). There were 3 who were reluctant ? to begin with.

MerylStreep did that apply to absolutely everybody, or were there 1 or 2 who stayed at home and were happy with that?

The people you mention are not the same as the OP's mum, who has always been antisocial.

I am nowhere near 90 but I would have refused the idea of a car run last summer.
missunderstood do you have form for trying to pressurise your mother?

Back last summer when we were having a lot of get togethers in our close ( no traffic ?) playing charades, quizzes, general chat, I would often cajole several of our more reluctant neighbours ? into coming out.
They told me they were so happy that I’d done that as they knew they were getting afraid of going out. They couldn’t wait for the next get together.

Misunderstood, if you are ordering her groceries for her, she is actually dependent on you and I can understand why you are worried about her welfare.

I think Teacheranne's idea is a good one except that it's a tall order for you to travel 300 miles to do the desensitisation technique T recommends.

Your mother has a right to become ill and die all alone if that is what she wants, but I doubt if that is what she wants. Can you get in touch with her GP, or health visitor and ask them to check up on her?

I think that lockdown has been a ‘God sent’ for a number of people ....less pressure to dress up, see people, keep house tidy etc etc???

I feel for you Misunderstood, I think you have been! If I still had a mum, living on her own at 90 whom I hadn't seen for over a year, I would want reassurance that she was managing to keep clean, to cook for herself, and keep the house relatively sanitary. I would also like to think that she cared enough about her daughter to think of my feelings. Was she like this before Covid? If not then I would start to worry. Can you talk to her neighbours for reassurance perhaps? What is she like with you on the phone, or doesn't she answer?

Or just that she’s happy and content as she is and has got to a point in her life when she feels she’s made enough effort doing things for other people and it’s time to do what she wants for a change?

What am I missing?
That the mum is in one of the most vulnerable categories and has also, no doubt, got very used to feeling that anyone/thing from outside is a threat to her.

If a Gran's adult child or grandchild was in a similar situation, because of a pre-existing condition perhaps, I'd hope the Gran wouldn't try to insist on visiting.

In normal times, reluctant people may be expected to socialise to be polite.
But times are not normal, and we don't actually know that danger has gone.

grannyactivist

You know all of us grandparents who have been desperate to meet up with our children and grandchildren again, reassure ourselves that they’re okay and our relationships with them are unbroken?

Well here we have a daughter desperate to see her mum again, in person, for all the same reasons - and somehow that comes across as unacceptable? What am I missing?

This totally- I can't believe some of the comments here.