Gransnet forums


To parents of teenagers

(28 Posts)
thatbags Mon 30-Sep-13 16:07:38

The conversation you must have with your sons by Carina Kolodny.

vampirequeen Mon 30-Sep-13 16:38:41

Gosh how true. Every time my girls went out I did the be careful were you walk, stay with people, never accept an open drink, keep your drink with you at all times talk. It became a bit of a family joke. I even did it when they were leaving the house with a group of boys who were then told to look after my girls.

Penstemmon Mon 30-Sep-13 17:25:17

So true! My SiL has said that he realises how remiss he was with his boys (previous relatonship) now he has my DGDs. Both boys and girls need to take full responsibility for their actions and both need to develop respect for each other. Difficult job being a parent but some excellent advice here!

j08 Mon 30-Sep-13 17:32:52

Well, "these creepy men", as she puts it, might be her sons but they sure as hell are n' t mine! My son would never treat a woman badly. He is a loving, caring person, and I have never had to have such a conversation with him.

j08 Mon 30-Sep-13 17:35:18

Something must have gone badly wrong with the whole family and parenting situation if anyone feels the needs to have that conversation with their offspring.

j08 Mon 30-Sep-13 17:36:11

And I just know my daughter will never have to have it with her boys.

j08 Mon 30-Sep-13 17:36:36

I will shut up now. smile

Mishap Mon 30-Sep-13 17:37:19

I think that boys are under some very pernicious influences now. Grans on here might not have felt the need to have such a conversation with their sons, but times have changed.

Boys now have access to porn on their iphones and from a miriaqd of other sources, and it is often regarded as cool to be looking at these things.

Mums and Dads need to counter this with the sort of moral compass that is so much needed.

Sad but true.

j08 Mon 30-Sep-13 17:39:40

No. They might look at porn. Well, of course they do. But that is nothing to do with their actions.

j08 Mon 30-Sep-13 17:41:42

If boys are very young, they should n' t have I-phones. And any other screens would, of course, have parental controls on.

Oldgreymare Mon 30-Sep-13 17:46:19

I've always found the positive approach better, encouraging my sons to value their female friends.
Had I approached this with 'Don't do/say anything to hurt your girl friends', they would have been horrified that by implication I may have thought them capable of such behaviour!
I'm with you there Jingle

Greatnan Mon 30-Sep-13 17:48:10

I am quite sure that every mother thinks this talk cannot apply to her son. Yet so many boys, some as young as ten, sexually assault girls. Whose sons are they? Some parents are deluding themselves. All boys need 'the talk', no matter how lovely their mothers think they are.

Oldgreymare Mon 30-Sep-13 17:48:30

Jingle that was in response to your post of 17:32.

Penstemmon Mon 30-Sep-13 17:49:37

j08 I think a lot of dads as well as mums need to have that conversation! We all know delightful young men and older ones too who do respect girls and women but there are far too many out there who see girls a trophy /object etc otherwise there would not be the issues we read about all too often about male to female violence and abuse.

Oldgreymare Mon 30-Sep-13 17:51:11

But a talk that doesn't imply that they are thought of as possible perpetrators Greatnan

Penstemmon Mon 30-Sep-13 17:54:01

if children, from being tiny,are taught about respectful behaviour to others then it won't be a big talk but just a building on what they already know!

Oldgreymare Mon 30-Sep-13 17:55:13

Absolutely Penstemmon

j08 Mon 30-Sep-13 17:59:36

If ten year old boys are involved in real sexual assault, not just normal experimenting, then there is, of course, something very wrong in the family and intervention would be necessary.

ffinnochio Mon 30-Sep-13 18:00:26

I'm agree with your posts JO8.
As an addition, it's also about modelling behaviour from other male members of the extended family.
No good mum having a talk with her sons, if dad is enjoying page 3 in the sun or whatever newspaper that's in.

Mishap Mon 30-Sep-13 18:01:00

Indeed, but peer pressure is very potent and is all that matters to a young person.

ffinnochio Mon 30-Sep-13 18:01:36

.....and further to my post...... to include brothers, uncles, cousins grandfathers etc.

ffinnochio Mon 30-Sep-13 18:04:31

Peer pressure is a strong pull, I agree, but I don't believe it is all that matters. I firmly believe in the modelling process that can be woven into the fabric of an extended family from the very beginning.

Penstemmon Mon 30-Sep-13 18:14:53

j08 sadly it is real assault sad but as you say it needs more than a talk from mum to sort that out.

j08 Mon 30-Sep-13 18:36:24

Yes. I think that's a different thing altogether penstemmon.

janerowena Mon 30-Sep-13 20:26:58

I did have that conversation, just in an attempt to prevent him getting into any situation where his actions could end up with him in court. He is gentle and kind and couteous but he had the talk anyway partly because I wanted him to know that he should tell any friends of his who spoke of girls like that to shut up. I have always believed that girls should dress as they please.