Aladdin and his Ugly Sisters, aided and abetted by cows, dragons, and many other dodgy characters. Oh yes and a sprinkling of fairy dust"

Still recuperating from last week's dress rehearsal I think

"Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning!"
Blast this beeping satnav, it's led me into the wrong show......where is everyone?

[Tinkerbell descends on the winch scattering clouds of very sparkly fairy dust] Hello everybody. Tinkerbell here. I heard that Hanky Panky was looking for me to climb that huge bean in his garden to see what was moaning at the top. I'm up for that.

Would it be the Wicked Witch of the West, by any chance? I'll just fly up and take a look. Back later.

Can't turn down a sexy nurse.

Wobbly how about this?
I am a sexy nurse
I'm going down the drain from bad to worse
I drive all the doctors wild
Sister says that I'm a problem child

Do you like that?

Ugly Sister enters stg rt, carrying a BEDPAN ?????

hello everyone, Sister Jugular here. don't you think I'm beautiful, it has taken me hours to look like this (does a twirl) some say I'm conceited, but really, I'm only a little vein.
Matron asked me to find the Barron and give him these because he is full of sh.... The box says they are suppositories, but I've lost the instructions, do any of you know where I should put them ?

Waits for audience ............

DanniRae I am busy practising the duets as fast as I can go (all of them whatever they are). Unfortunately I went to the dentist this morning in my panto costume but forgot to put on the borrowed charcoal knickers. The owner can have them back for now but I may need them again. I have now been released from custody with a warning. I thought that Wobbly bits would pay my fine just this once. The show must go on.

Onwards and upwards everyone , I can see the "West End" on the horizon and our names up in lights. Is this our 15 minutes of fame? It's taken long enough to come.

maggie wonderful lyrics must be a hit!

No place for Diva's here, where's our principal boy stand in ?

Hanky Panky enters stg rtg.

Hello folks, has anyone seen Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, I need some one brave to climb that Huge bean in my garden, I can here rumbling noises coming from the top.
Did you hear that the Evil Barron Hardup has evicted us, we are having to sleep on the park bench, must find some money to pay the rent.

Playing my Uku and singing my heart out -- brilliant, (might change SLS in our next gig for your lyrics, especially when we play a care home))

(Clears throat quietly) Excuse me...
(Clears throat loudly) I say, excuse me...
(Bangs frantically on stage with Jane10’s discarded charcoal knickers) OI, YOU LOT!

That’s much better. As your new musical director, I’m delighted to tell you that having sadly failed to source a copy of that grand old traditional ditty “Farting Through a Fine Toothed Comb”, I instructed my minions to jump to it and come up with alternatives. So I present for your delectation two variations on a theme, the first perhaps owing a little something to Surfin’ USA, the second to Sweet Little Sixteen, but both to be performed to the same tune, because as the more discerning amongst you are well aware, they were.

They're really rockin' in Glasgae
And down Omagh way
Deep in the heart of Cardiff
And 'round Whitley Bay
All over Salisbury
Wherever they may roam
All the cows just want to fart through
That fine tooth comb

If everybody had a tooth comb
Across the old UK
Then the oldies'd be fartin’
Through them everyday
You'd see 'em wearing their baggies
Hotter sandals, yay
A bushy bushy grey hairdo
Silver surfin' UK

Come on now, sing up at the back! What’s that strange squeaking sound? Oh, sorry, gillybob, didn’t see you there

Yes Falconbird I am Principal Boy (or one of them) but to be honest I too have lost the plot. Am I supposed to be Aladdin? I thought that was a separate role??

I wish I'd taken up the offer to be Cinderella in the Lower Little Plympton Pantomime - I feel that would be better organised!

I'm off to see if it's too late to audition..........

Yes - I have lost the plot in more ways than one. Is DanniRae the principal boy - Aladdin.

I wonder if Wobblybits is recovered yet?

No-one liked my idea of having it on ice. To be honest I hated the idea myself. Even with zimmers I think a lot of us would end up in casualty.

Enter stage right - Barron Hardup - looks more grumpy than usual.

Come on you lot, sort yourselves out. Jeezzz what a rabble. (Boos)

Ok, who owns these (holds up a pair of frilly purple knickers) ? I just found them in the bushes, I suspect Hanky Panky may be afoot.

That Wishy Washy hasn't paid her rent , so she's out on the street. Have you seen that huge bean in the garden, reaches into the clouds, but it does stink of Dragon s---t.
Don't forget, if you see Hanky Panky call me, I have jobs for him.
(More Boos)

Losing? Falnonbird are you sure you don't mean lost !

Problem is DanniRae I have totally forgotten the words . Unless of course you could help me out with them . I do remember that part of the chorus was a melody of fart noises courtesy of the hand in the armpit !

I'm losing the plot. Who is the Principal Boy???

gillybob - How about that well known song "A cow farting through a fine tooth comb"? It's a lovely number and we can all join in the chorus!

Me and my front end will be entering on roller skates. Was thinking of a couple of songs for us. My late grandad said I had a voice like a cow farting through a fine tooth comb so needs to be something appropriate for my singing style .

Sorry couldn't be at the latest rehearsal . I have temporary lost my front end and simply can't manage without it daaaarlinks .

Ok principal boy here ready for our duet Liaise. BUT I can't remember what we are suppose to sing - any ideas??

"Knickers" went great! Ready for some audience singalonging now, what have you got?

Oh no! I've got my costumes mixed up! I'm flying around as a Wesh dragon but wearing the back end of a cow costume. annie gilly where are you? Come and sort this mess out please

Did someone mention a glass of wine? I've borrowed a dress, platform shoes, hair extensions and tiara from DGDs and am ready to sing my song, whatever it is. I probably look a bit better from the back than front. Can't think why DH and the cat hide in the shrubbery when I reach the high notes.

Anyway while I'm waiting for the principal boy ,or anybody, to sing a duet with me I'll just have a refill of my glass and forty winks. Cheers!

Lindylou57 why don't you join us? This is our dress rehearsal. According to our director, anything goes so it is a chance to be totally free, realise your desire to be whichever pantomime character appeals to you. I'm Tinkerbell, terribly sparkly and inclined to fly through at any moment. You could join me in fairydom if you like. But beware, the Wicked Witch of the West. She has a liking for sparkly fairies for breakfast.

Personally, I find a little glass or 2 of wine helps the creative juices flow.