I need help !

I used to drink once or twice a week but had mouth cancer (not the alcohol it is in the genes). My specialist is ok about drinking within the recommended units but not keen on me drinking wine. As I don't believe in lying to medical people, when asked last year about how much I drank I couldn't remember and guessed three or four glasses of cider on a Saturday. Sometimes I go two or three weeks without a drink. He said that was 9 units a week in one go. I knew this wasn't the case (the tins actually said 2.2 and I only had one and a half to two). But, interestingly, I forgot to say once a month I meet a friend for a meal and have one 175ml glass of wine (wine's her thing). So at the beginning of this year I recorded what I drank. This started off 3 units in January, 2.5 in Feb, 11.1 March, 10.6 April, 25.3 May (includes a holiday), 17 Jun. I realised an increase in social events/holidays played a part. There is alcohol kept at home but I don't drink it. I also am a person who has two drinks can keep going. However, the point I want to make is other people's reactions or if I am feeling shy or nervous can lead to drinking. When my husband told me of a chap who was told to stop drinking or he'll die the chap said ' My family won't let me'. I didn't understand what he meant until now. I have had people tell me it's ok to have one drink when on anti-biotics even when more than once I said I didn't want to. Family members waiting for me to leave so they can have a drink (who said they couldn't?). I do feel relationships have changed and I do feel cut off (especially when everyone else is on another planet by 11.00 pm). My stance is not to drink now 'for the moment' just in case as I don't like lying and I will be telling my specialist the exact number of units if I do. What I would like to say to Esmenonna is don't give up trying to manage or give up your drinking but at the same time don't beat yourself up when you 'fall off the wagon'. Just start again. Best wishes to you.

CallAA, it's the best place. I did this on ash Wednesday 2000 not looked back. Enablers are a problem DH can be pointed inright direction to help him so no, but in the end you are responsible for yourself the main lessons i had to learn, the last drink does not make you drunk it the first does , you may lose friends why because you make them look at there own life.One help is become the designated driver. When I first joined as my goal was 7weeks Easter Sunday till I learnt one day at a time for me in the beginning it was 10minutes at a time

Agree with everyone - and my half pence - have 'something else' to hand for 'the times' when you get the leaning - anything from fizzy water to lemonade, real juice, tea - whatever - if 'the glass' is part of it - use the glass but for juice etc.

I have a similar problem but with food. I like eating things that make me gain weight and I have no stop button. I can eat until I feel ill. But in 2002 I was up to size 28 skirt and had trouble walking so I went to Slimming world and began to lose. Then after a break when I thought I could manage alone I went to Weightwatchers and have been a reasonable weight since 2007 and a gold member at goal since 2009.

I still have difficulty after weigh in though and do what you do. I binge. I can gain 3 pounds over night or 5 over a weekend stay in a hotel with buffet breakfast . I then go back on the plan, which is pretty much healthy eating for life now, with some things I like included but managed carefully. I try not to have chocolates and cakes in the house. I try and manage situations where I will overeat. Family celebrations are those, but if I overeat I go back to lose the weight afterwards. It takes longer to come off than go on.

I want to see my grandchildren grow up and know an unhealthy weight might stop me. Also I have a few health situations that mean I must strategies for you to avoid drinking or drinking too much. But AA is good too.

Wow!! I am overwhelmed with these messages. I knew you were an amazing bunch, and I was correct.
Thanks for the book recommendations- I will definitely read those books.
Happy Sunday, everyone!

AA is great because it makes you reflect and think about why you drink. Finding out why you drink is a deep journey, what happens when you resist ? Do you get angry, depressed, hopeless, lonely. It can be for so many reasons. Inhibition, shame, difficult feelings, guilt, relatives who’ve passed on and need help , family lies /secrets, genetic, fear of thriving. It’s worth exploring. I was dying of alcohol and asked a vicar to pray over me and I stopped that minute never wanted another drink ( 40 yrs ago) . Life is strange and we are always discovering something. Healing the Family Tree by Kenneth McCall is a good book, weird but amazing . I have worked in therapy /healing for thirty years and many people have stories like the ones in this book. It taught me to pray ( not fashionable I know) for my deceased relatives and friends which oddly brings more and more peace to me. Anyway that’s my tuppence worth. I’m sure you will lose interest in drinking.

Freelady congratulations on your up coming 9th birthday on August 2nd. My husband has just celebrated his 23rd birthday and mine will be 21 on the 23rd September a day at a time !! Sobriety is a bit scary but you are right you can do it. We have a good life and have done things I would never have dreamed off.

Your story is my husband's story. He regularly gives up wine, and counts every day that he doesn't drink. This is telling as it makes me realise how important it is. He is lost without a drink in the evening. He goes to bed really early when he doesn't drink. He always relapses unfortunately. At worst it's two bottles of wine a night, at best one bottle. He knows it's bad for his health but can't stop. He finds it odd that I have one small glass of wine then stop. Good luck on your journey. I will be thinking about you.

I think , like others, that you are doing the right thing in recognsing that you have a problem - many people don't and get into worse trouble. And you are ready to work on changing the pattern too. To understand what is going on and to help change, you would, I think, find much to explain and support you in a popular and easy to read book "The Chimp Paradox" by Dr Steve Peters The book explains that we have different brains which don't always want the same thing - for instance, one part of us may want to eat cake all day, or drink too much, and another part of us wants to stay slim, healthy and sober. The book helps to see how we can make these different brains work well together. Its a best selling paper back, so should be easy to find. You can see from all the posts how much support there is for you - and I hope a combination of this support, AA, and perhaps The Chimp Paradox , will give you the support to get to where you want to be.

I ended up at an AA meeting once at a church hall completely by accident. I was with a disabled lady working as a PA and she was attending a church meeting. For privacy she sent me out to the church garden where lots of lovely people said hi and were very friendly. Then a worker told me it was the AA meeting. It was so friendly I thought it was a church social club. Go along to one you will be made very welcome.

I don’t want to frighten you, but it’s not just the horrendous hangovers. The damage to your body is unseen. My XSIL, is only mid 30s, hid his drinking and now is so ill that it’s life-threatening. There’s so much damage done and women’s bodies cope less well usually. Get help and live a long and healthy life enjoying your GC. Mine is probably going to lose his dad just because of alcohol. He was working and appeared fine until the most dreadful side effects appeared recently.

I was eating and drinking too much and needed something to frighten me. Well, something did. My BP was really high and the doctor was worried enough to send me for tests etc. This galvanised me into action. I immediately cut right back on the drinking. I realised that half the time I just wanted a drink but not necessarily alcohol so I drank more tea, fruit juices etc (agreed not so much fun!). I bought healthy food and am now eating a breakfast of porridge oats and fruit which fills me up all morning. My BP has dropped back to normal and I've lost over half a stone. Please, OP, get your BP checked and see how high it is. If it is high it might spur you to try hard. But even if you have an occasional lapse it doesn't mean you have failed. Just pick yourself up and try again.

Some great posts of encouragement here and might I add non-judgemental too as none of us know the reason why some are addicted and others not.
Well done to you Esmenona for highlighting a problem very openly which in doing this is a step in the right direction and also proof that you want to do something about it.

I'm not a drinker, but a smoker which I use as a " coping mechanism " ( well this is my excuse ) though I know I don't need them because I don't inhale----can't stand nicotine !? It's only will-power that'll cure me. If I can tell myself I don't need, or my body doesn't need alcohol then surely I can do the same with the cigs, successfully.
Like yourself---one day at a time and try not to give in to temptation ( she said as she stared at a full pack of cigs on the coffee table ) Will-power girl !!

Esmenonna, please start by reading Jason Vale
www.amazon.co.uk/Kick-Drink-Easily-Jason-Vale/dp/1845903900/ref=sr_1_1?s=gateway&crid=33N59SOROT2QW&keywords=jason+vale+kick+the+drink&sprefix=jason+vale%2Caps%2C130&tag=gransnetforum-21&qid=1562490466&sr=8-1

I found it really helped me stop. Have an open mind whilst reading it. Good luck

* Esmenonna* keep in touch so we can spur you on.

Freelady, thanks for your inspirational post. When I quit last time I did it online, but this time I am going to AA. The meeting takes place on Monday evening. One day at a time is the way to go.
Scentia, I don't have sole care of GD but I am really lucky to see her most days and she sleeps over at least 3 times a week. If I drink when I have her, and I can say this has only happened 2 or 3 times, it's not affected her because I am a very good drunk. I don't get morose or sleepy. I am energised and happy. I know this sounds like a poor excuse but it's true. It doesn't make it right either - am not condoning it, just saying it as it is. My DS doesn't like me drinking - he is teetotal, but in the past I have told him it's my life and I'll do what I want.
Johno, I appreciate your honesty. It's so easy to talk the talk and not walk the walk. Yesterday I felt like I wanted to quit because I felt sick and depressed. Today I have woken up with a clear, refreshed mind and I still know it is the right thing to do for me to do.
Thank you all for your messages. I am excited to begin a new phase in my life. Alcohol free.

Hello,
It seems there is always this great void/barrier between taking action and knowing what to do. You know what to do but doing it seems so hard. You know there is an element of self-destruction yet you know you will have to pull back from this. To the none heavy drinker it is bizarre why people with serious drink issues do not simply join a specialist help group > the AA. I suppose its the same when people become unfit and obese - the obvious thing is to join a running club or a Gym? I dont think I can tell you what to do but I may be one among many who have that same narrative about YOU taking that big leap. I am a direct speaker, I am not saying I am right but I do say what I believe to be respectful through honesty. You will have to, one day, flick that switch and turn on the light and take real action. You have to DO IT not TALK IT. I do not judge you but I feel being honest is best.

Does your DD/DS know about your drinking problem, surely not if you have the sole care of their child. Your beautiful GC should be the only reason you need to stop drinking, nothing else would be needed for most people. Too much alcohol will kill you eventually, just like too much food etc. Look your GC in the eye and make a promise to her that you will stop for them. As a non drinker this is very easy for me to say, I have no idea how hard it is to give up, but if you struggle, get professional help. You owe it to your GD.

Hi Esmenonna. I haven't looked at Gransnet for a long time. Tonight I decided to have a browse and found your messages!! I am a recovering alcoholic and haven't picked up a drink for nearly 9 years if I make it to Aug 2nd!! One day at a time.
You said you managed 56 days without alcohol, having sought help. Did you go to AA or was it help and support from someone else?
There is a life without alcohol, and it can be brilliant even though it may sound scary right now.

Thank you Joyfulnanna. I can and I will.

Esmenonna I really think you can succeed in giving up the alcohol. You CAN do this!!!!

You are right about one of the most difficult aspects of not drinking is what to replace it with, but when I was dry last year (56 days), I did find some very good replacements. Rawsons retreat do a lovely white wine. It tastes like wine but obviously no alcohol. There is also Nosecco (!!) and Ginless Wonder ! I didn't have these drinks everyday, but they certainly did help. I don't go out much. This I will find challenging but am ready for a challenge.
You are correct in saying that it will get worse, and I am going to do something about it.
Thanks for your post.

I think that you probably abuse alcohol but are not dependent on it, (my experience is of living with someone who used to be alcohol dependent). There is quite a difference. You have been given some good advice about not having alcohol in the home so that you can't take a drink without having to go out and buy it, allowing you to think about what you are doing first.

I've had to stop drinking because we are now a 'dry' house (it also feels a bit disloyal to drink when I'm out). However, one of the more difficult aspects of not drinking alcohol is just how do you replace some of the 'celebration' aspects that we associate with drinking alcohol? A special meal doesn't seem the same without a glass of wine. Drinks with friends in a pub feels rather joyless if you are drinking orange and soda water all evening.

All I can say about this is that I got used to it and, after a while, stopped thinking about it. (I know it's easy for me to say that, DH and I were able to drink a lot at one sitting though, and could have been classed as 'heavy drinkers' at the time.)

You are very lucky to have your GD in your life and to be married to someone who could give up alcohol with you. Find other things to do so you avoid temptation. Don't cook meals that call for alcohol or use it as an ingredient, try some interesting fruit drinks, become a tea connoisseur, take up a hobby that needs a clear head. If you drive, be the designated driver.

Just think of the calories you are saving and the good example you will be setting for your GD. You will also save money so you can buy new clothes in smaller sizes.

You know you have a problem, believe me, it can get so much worse unless you stop it now. You can get through this, you managed to get help before, get more help again.

Thanks, , Septimia. I was doing that by just having it at weekend, but I actually now think it's time to stop altogether. It's the dreadful hangovers, and whilst I don't eat when I am drinking, what I eat the next day is colossal. I've eaten so much rubbish today.

Esmenonna, you have done the best thing, firstly, admitting you are drinking to much and have a problem and second, getting in touch with AA. I am a recovering alcoholic of 21 years. My life was hell and I couldn't go on. Today I don't drink alcohol I have a good life without it, I still go to parties and to a pub to watch bands playing. The best thing is being there for my grandchildren who I love dearly. I have life problems like anyone else but I know as long as I don't pick up the 1st drink things will turn out ok. There is life out there without alcohol you can do whatever you want as long as you don't take that 1st drink.