I need help !

You are well on your way to success. You know you have a problem and you have found that you can control it, for at least some of the time.

A lot of people find when they try and lose a habit, whether weight, cigarettes, sweets or drink that they have relapses, which is what has happened to you, and like you they regret it later and cannot understand why they did it.

Looking at your story. One question that arises is how did you come to have the two bottles of wine you drank in the house? If it is because you always have wine or other alcohol in the house, then the first thing to do is get it out of the house, so that any decision to drink needs to be planned before hand.

If you plan to drink beforehand and then need to go out and buy it/call into the supermarket on the way home, you have time to plan just how much you are going to buy, or even fight the temptation all together. If you decide to buy wine, buy no more than one bottle at a time and make that bottle a half bottle size. This too will take resolution, but you are clearly capable of it.

I suggest that you buy yourself some old fashioned small wine glasses, nice cut glass ones or coloured ones. This way every glass of wine wil be smaller and even a half bottle of wine will provide you with three or four glasses so you still go through the rituaal of pouring another glass.

Do not be afraid to come back here for support and encouragement. We have our moments, but we do want to help and, I think are kind and supportive.

You have made a very good start on several fronts, weight and wine, and you will succeed, for your grandchildren's sake if nothing more, but as all of us know, every path to success has potholes of failure all along it.

Thanks. Last Saturday I had the 2 bottles of wine because it was my birthday, and they were gifted to me. Last night I bought gin when I went shopping because I thought I could enjoy a couple of glasses. I sprinted past the wine aisle faster than Usain Bolt. I did enjoy the gin but then my craving for wine started so I texted my lovely husband who brought me a bottle.
I love the idea of smaller glasses. I never have wine in the house, because I know I would drink it.

If you are addicted to alcohol, does that mean you are an alcoholic?

I think it might do. Alcoholics Anonymous?

Your "lovely husband" should say no.

And don't buy gin. Don't buy any alcohol.

I think it probably does. I have considered AA in the past. Maybe I should look into it again. I don't think my husband would say no. That's obviously part of the problem I suppose. I think they call it enabling. Although if he did say no, I would walk to the shop and buy it myself.
Thanks for your thoughts. Lots to think about.

I think you probably need to go to AA regularly...it seems to be the most successful way to sobriety. Good luck.

Hi Esmenona.

Personally, I stopped drinking completely years ago because I would drink and drink because I enjoyed the taste. No stop button. Never had it in the house, but if I went out, would drink until I was drunk. I really enjoyed myself but always had hangovers from hell. Stopped after a dinner party at my daughter's headmistress's house - and you'll know how bad this is, as you are a teacher - threw up in her toilet and used her face flannel to clean it up! I'll never ever live that one down.

I watched a documentary on health last year - I think it was the one with Angela Rippon and a lovely doctor, can't remember his name. They had a group of volunteers and found that people have different 'appetite' signals. People that overeat, for example, do not get the same messages from their stomach as people that don't overeat. I think this could be similar for alcohol - perhaps our tongue craves the taste, or it dissolves more easily in our blood? Have you been through the change yet? I do think hormones are very powerful.

I'm going to do a bit more research as I'd like to find the information from that programme. In the meantime, please do not be upset. My daughter's headmistress (!) said that she always had two big glasses of wine each evening, and was becoming concerned. She did dry January or whatever it was, and did go back to her two glasses. I have a lot of friends that drink at home, every single night of the week.

It may be that it makes you feel relaxed, or it's a reward - we are all very complex beings and each person is unique.

Thanks Leyla. I think that's the way forward. I've just googled the subject and found a meeting local to me. I think in the past I've only considered AA because the thought of giving it up scared me. I think my mindset has changed now, so am definitely going to give it a go. What have I got to lose?

PS From what you've said I don't think you are an alcoholic - my late best friend was. She started drinking vodka as soon as she got up in the morning.

Does your husband drink with you or are you drinking alone. I think the easiest way would be to both not drink and not have alcohol in the house.

Thanks mosaicwarts - your anecdote made me laugh. Like you I do really enjoy drinking. I am the life and soul of the party. First up dancing and last to leave. But , like you, the hangovers are murderous.
I haven't been through the change yet.
Dragonfly, no my husband doesn't drink. He can have 1 beer and stop. He can't, however, stop after 1 bar of chocolate, whereas I'm not interested in rubbish food choices.
I agree it's best to not have in the house.

Same reason I never have chocolate in the house.. There's no doubt that clearing your kitchen of all trigger food and drink is a start. It's well known the alcohol weakens your resolve to eating too much so it's a win/win if you don't have it in the house

I don't have a problem with alcohol as I don't like it that much. But chocolate.....

So we made a rule that 'Friday night is chocolate night' and stick to that. We still have to limit the amount - which is where other tactics have to come into play - but it means that we look forward to a treat on Fridays and don't over-indulge the rest of the week.

Maybe something like that would help as part of your wine-limitation efforts.

Esmenonna, you have done the best thing, firstly, admitting you are drinking to much and have a problem and second, getting in touch with AA. I am a recovering alcoholic of 21 years. My life was hell and I couldn't go on. Today I don't drink alcohol I have a good life without it, I still go to parties and to a pub to watch bands playing. The best thing is being there for my grandchildren who I love dearly. I have life problems like anyone else but I know as long as I don't pick up the 1st drink things will turn out ok. There is life out there without alcohol you can do whatever you want as long as you don't take that 1st drink.

Thanks, , Septimia. I was doing that by just having it at weekend, but I actually now think it's time to stop altogether. It's the dreadful hangovers, and whilst I don't eat when I am drinking, what I eat the next day is colossal. I've eaten so much rubbish today.

I think that you probably abuse alcohol but are not dependent on it, (my experience is of living with someone who used to be alcohol dependent). There is quite a difference. You have been given some good advice about not having alcohol in the home so that you can't take a drink without having to go out and buy it, allowing you to think about what you are doing first.

I've had to stop drinking because we are now a 'dry' house (it also feels a bit disloyal to drink when I'm out). However, one of the more difficult aspects of not drinking alcohol is just how do you replace some of the 'celebration' aspects that we associate with drinking alcohol? A special meal doesn't seem the same without a glass of wine. Drinks with friends in a pub feels rather joyless if you are drinking orange and soda water all evening.

All I can say about this is that I got used to it and, after a while, stopped thinking about it. (I know it's easy for me to say that, DH and I were able to drink a lot at one sitting though, and could have been classed as 'heavy drinkers' at the time.)

You are very lucky to have your GD in your life and to be married to someone who could give up alcohol with you. Find other things to do so you avoid temptation. Don't cook meals that call for alcohol or use it as an ingredient, try some interesting fruit drinks, become a tea connoisseur, take up a hobby that needs a clear head. If you drive, be the designated driver.

Just think of the calories you are saving and the good example you will be setting for your GD. You will also save money so you can buy new clothes in smaller sizes.

You know you have a problem, believe me, it can get so much worse unless you stop it now. You can get through this, you managed to get help before, get more help again.

You are right about one of the most difficult aspects of not drinking is what to replace it with, but when I was dry last year (56 days), I did find some very good replacements. Rawsons retreat do a lovely white wine. It tastes like wine but obviously no alcohol. There is also Nosecco (!!) and Ginless Wonder ! I didn't have these drinks everyday, but they certainly did help. I don't go out much. This I will find challenging but am ready for a challenge.
You are correct in saying that it will get worse, and I am going to do something about it.
Thanks for your post.

Esmenonna I really think you can succeed in giving up the alcohol. You CAN do this!!!!

Thank you Joyfulnanna. I can and I will.

Hi Esmenonna. I haven't looked at Gransnet for a long time. Tonight I decided to have a browse and found your messages!! I am a recovering alcoholic and haven't picked up a drink for nearly 9 years if I make it to Aug 2nd!! One day at a time.
You said you managed 56 days without alcohol, having sought help. Did you go to AA or was it help and support from someone else?
There is a life without alcohol, and it can be brilliant even though it may sound scary right now.

Does your DD/DS know about your drinking problem, surely not if you have the sole care of their child. Your beautiful GC should be the only reason you need to stop drinking, nothing else would be needed for most people. Too much alcohol will kill you eventually, just like too much food etc. Look your GC in the eye and make a promise to her that you will stop for them. As a non drinker this is very easy for me to say, I have no idea how hard it is to give up, but if you struggle, get professional help. You owe it to your GD.

Hello,
It seems there is always this great void/barrier between taking action and knowing what to do. You know what to do but doing it seems so hard. You know there is an element of self-destruction yet you know you will have to pull back from this. To the none heavy drinker it is bizarre why people with serious drink issues do not simply join a specialist help group > the AA. I suppose its the same when people become unfit and obese - the obvious thing is to join a running club or a Gym? I dont think I can tell you what to do but I may be one among many who have that same narrative about YOU taking that big leap. I am a direct speaker, I am not saying I am right but I do say what I believe to be respectful through honesty. You will have to, one day, flick that switch and turn on the light and take real action. You have to DO IT not TALK IT. I do not judge you but I feel being honest is best.

Freelady, thanks for your inspirational post. When I quit last time I did it online, but this time I am going to AA. The meeting takes place on Monday evening. One day at a time is the way to go.
Scentia, I don't have sole care of GD but I am really lucky to see her most days and she sleeps over at least 3 times a week. If I drink when I have her, and I can say this has only happened 2 or 3 times, it's not affected her because I am a very good drunk. I don't get morose or sleepy. I am energised and happy. I know this sounds like a poor excuse but it's true. It doesn't make it right either - am not condoning it, just saying it as it is. My DS doesn't like me drinking - he is teetotal, but in the past I have told him it's my life and I'll do what I want.
Johno, I appreciate your honesty. It's so easy to talk the talk and not walk the walk. Yesterday I felt like I wanted to quit because I felt sick and depressed. Today I have woken up with a clear, refreshed mind and I still know it is the right thing to do for me to do.
Thank you all for your messages. I am excited to begin a new phase in my life. Alcohol free.

* Esmenonna* keep in touch so we can spur you on.