Feeder Partner/Husband

Maybe read a copy of Bright Line Eating by the neuroscience Susan Pierce Thompson, totally explains link between repeated failures in weight loss to sugar and flour. Very easy to read and illuminating- then tell your husband all about it. This book changed my life - not an over statement.

I think GrandeTanteJE65 has a very wise approach. My husband likes all that "junk food" too, but I ask him to keep it in the basement which is his space for watching TV. And he does--out of sight, out of mind for me. I also think "yuck" when I think of store bought sweets and that has worked over time to lessen their appeal--that approach helped me quit smoking many many years ago too. Good luck, it's a difficult situation!

I'd put everything he brought me straight in the bin, or to birds, making sure he sees me do it. He'll soon learn never to bring you anything. Be strong and good luck.

Don't put sugary things out for the birds, just bin them straight away. If he sees that he is just wasting money it might help.
Perhaps he thinks that if you lose weight you will be more attractive to other men?
I don't think he will change after all this time; he is the one who needs help to see that he might be driving you away.

The will power must come from you and every time he leaves things out put in cupboard, he will soon get fed up of it. I've become a vegan due to allergies and hubby still buys me inappropriate treats or offers despite being a vegan for 18 months, so I thought I could change things. When shopping I only bough vegan ingredients and treats, he went nuts. I told him he could now offer treats that I can say yes too, hence he doesn't offer as much. X

He might buy the things, but do you really have to eat them ?
If you can stick to a diet and lose weight, you can surely stick to rationing what sweet things you eat ?
I think he has low self esteem - you lose weight and he has something stuck in his head that because you are now obviously more attractive - even though you were before, that you will attract other men like bees round a honey pot and eventually leave!
Did something in his past lead him to believe this would happen ?
Encourage him to go out for walks with you or invest in a treadmill. How about trying to persuade him just to go shopping with you or just shop online and allow a couple of treats just at the weekend, not during the week. If he brings in chocolate, hide it then bring it out on a Friday evening!
There is a lot of ways that you can hide veg in recipes - try and make sure that you do as much cooking from scratch as you can - batch bake and put some in the freezer so that you won't need to use ready meals.
Whatever you do, make a plan and stick to it - he may well have a few tantrums but with your encouragement he will hopefully come round to your way of thinking !

My ex-husband was a feeder. When I went to Slimmers World the first time and lost 3 stone,he left me. Looking back I think the feeding was a form of control.

I do feel for you. You have to develop a stubborn streak and take delight in eating what you like. I would eat celery as a snack everytime he munched on chocolate. Its really annoyingly noisy ?

I know this doesn't help, but why on earth, Grammy, have you put up with this for 45 years?

We have no alcohol in the house, as DH is an alcoholic who has made and kept the decision not to drink.

Your husband should be helping you, but he isn't.

He doesn't listen to what you say, so now is the time to DO something.

1 Buy and cook your own food and nothing for him

2 make it clear you will share your food with him, if he promises the following:

to clear a cupboard in the kitchen or somewhere else in the house and keep all his sweets, cakes, biscuits etc etc. there and only there

Not to eat any of it in front of you.

Never to tell you that he has chocolates or other tempting stuff in his cupboard.

Tell him frankly that his attitude over this has hurt you for years. It makes you feel he neither listens to you, nor respects your opinions and wishes.

Be blunt, but calm and polite.

Any of his foodstuff that you find anywhere else than in his cupboard - which you do not go into - goes straight into the bin.

I would love the occasional glass of wine or a beer, but DH means much more to me than indulging myself in something that is dangerous for him.

Show your husband this thread. It might just help.

And ask him why you should risk type 2 diabetes because he won't try to help you overcome a weakness?

I'd let him eat what he likes - but away from home. You could agree that only healthy stuff comes through the door. Do your own shopping and, if he goes, it's eaten before he gets back. My parents had that arrangement.

This brought back fond memories of trips to the fish and chips shop ('Don't tell your mother!') with Dad - as Mum was on Weight Watchers (permanently, it seemed).

The trouble was, we'd go out 'for a walk' while she cooked dinner - then arrive home, stuffed to the gills, and have to force down another meal!

You may think 'He's a lovely man'. but he's inconsiderate and possibly consciously sabotaging you. Stop addressing his behaviour (its a waste of time and energy from the sound of it). People call them 'comfort' foods etc but in your position they are discomfort food. Keep that in mind. You know they harm you. Put yourself first. (Sorry to be preachy but I've learnt the hard way).

You are being unreasonable. If he wants treats just use your willpower to resist them. Surely you don't have to eat them just because you have seen them

Skydancer The solution for you (and the OP) sounds simple in theory i.e. You have to want the health benefits of a better diet more than you want the sweet or high fat stuff. When you accept that distinction you will find the resolve to either reject the foods you know are not good for you or to 'eat, drink and be merry' and to hell with the consequences! In theory, it's simply a decision you make. At the moment, you want the sweet/fatty stuff more than you want to lose weight/be healthy. You admit that in your post. So you choose to eat that way. It's your choice, even though it's your partner buying the stuff. He's not helping you but he's not force feeding you either. It's you that actually puts the food you know is bad for you into your mouth. You could look at the snacks he buys and say to yourself, 'I won't eat that.' Once you make that decision, you will stick to it. It gets easier as time goes by and you see the weight loss and feel the health benefits.

Sorry everyone, if this sounds a bit smug, but it's true. It's not easy though...

At the end of the day, it's all a mind thing. If you thought about the food you loathe, you'll see my point. Keep the peace in your home, it's not worth the hassle or hurt of assigning blame.

You are the one giving in to temptation he's not forcing food down your throat

Sorry but you can’t blame someone else for your weight gain/ inability to lose weight.

If he brings stuff in, just don’t eat it.

V3ra That is the point isn't it? Its our future as well. I want to delay becoming a widow as long as possible.

I sometimes think that they are afraid that if they try they may fail, so undermine themselves from the beginning so that they never get started.

For someone like me whose automatic response to a problem is to find a solution and implement it, it is very frustrating.

Don't think he is doing it to make Grammy happy! I suspect he has a different agenda !

If it has been going on for years he may not believe you are serious this time about cutting out certain foods and knows that you really like them and probably thinks it really makes you happy.Could you have a serious talk to him about your health he may not have thought about it from that angle. Maybe he just like you bigger.

Don't think it is uncommon for a partner to jepadise someone' s plan to loose weight . I can't help wondering if there is more to this than meets the eye ....... Don't allow this to happen , stand firm !! I am sure you don't need help to loose weight but I suspect your Feeder Husband needs help to understand his own behaviour.

M0nica it's so hard to switch off isn't it?
Our GP practice nurse once told me that fretting about my husband's weight and lack of motivation to do anything about it was causing me stress and that was contributing to my raised cholesterol levels.
She said he was a big boy and needed to take responsibility for his own health. I said the trouble is that's my future you're talking about ?
But I did take her advice onboard and switched off from his weight issues.

Incidentally my Mum used to blame me for him being overweight: "Why do you let him eat so much?" ?

Oh, Baggs, I so know how you feel. DH had a heart attack almost exactly this time last year. he had triple bypass surgery. All this went well, but he was given an antibiotic resistant infection in the operating theatre and that nearly did for him. However he did come out of hospital weighing 3 stone less than went he went in and I hoped he would use it as an impetus to lose more.

I looked at him yesterday and realised that despite me serving meals that keep me in shape and on target, so should not put weight on him, he has put all three stone back on and his sleep apnoea has returned.

It is the jelly babys he buys with the daily paper, or mince pies, or ginger biscuits or the cheese he keeps getting from the fridge or gin and tonics or glasses of wine. I do not have a sweet tooth and rarely snack between meals. He is not inactive he is always pottering around the house doing bits of DIY, but he eats to much.

Nothing I do or say has any effect, and I have tried everything, but if a heart attack, triple bypass surgery and loosing three stone during a near fatal infection hasn't scared the bejeebers out of him and made him take action, what chance do I have?

My husband is slim, fit and type2.
He once bought 17 boxes of the Lindor red balls as they were on special offer, going round a supermarket with him is like shopping with a petulant toddler.
He sneaks things in the trolley and when I object says” oh for crying out loud cut me some slack”
This afternoons Waitrose shop was a box of After 8, 12 bags of crisps,a family bag of licorice and two treacle sponge puddings.

I blame it on being away at school from 7-18 sweets were the currency until Razzle mag took over in V1 form.

Never throw edible stuff in the bin, put it out for the birds if you can’t use it!

Lucca

Germanshepherdsmum

Sounds like your husband is well on the way to Type 2 Diabetes Baggs. The doctor would ensure he changed his lifestyle then.

Sadly not always the case! I know someone whose husband is obese and diabetic and he just sits carries on eating pies cakes etc. And takes no exercise at all.

I feel very sorry for anyone trying to get Feeders to change their mindset .. they SAY they understand blah blah but nothing changes their behaviour .. He even leaves me cooked chips in the kitchen " as he cooked too many " so last night I threw the chips in the bin and he was furious ... I felt very empowered and satisfied...