Gransnet forums

Dieting & exercise

Feeder Partner/Husband

(53 Posts)
Grammy666 Thu 18-Nov-21 09:51:19

First time poster .. Well I am married to a Lovely man who is a Feeder. Every time I start to lose weight he scuppers my plans by bringing Danish pastries / Chocolates / Biscuits in and leaving them for me to see ! His excuse ? " Its for the Grandkids.. this has been going on for 45 years. Im really fed up and annoyed with him .. Latest thing I'm trying is i've said he can eat whatever he likes BUT if I see any sugary " treats " I will throw them on the lawn for the birds .. Just looked out on the lawn and the poor birds are having trouble getting air bourne as they are so plump ! ... Also I have to cook separate meals as he will cook himself pies and tell me if Im hungry there is a cooked pie in the kitchen ! Its a constant annoyance and I think Passive Aggressive behaviour.. Ive talked myself silly trying to get him to se my point of view but to no avail... any advice will be helpful and welcome >>

DiscoGran Thu 18-Nov-21 10:04:01

I would treat this as a personal challenge and use it to strengthen your will power!! Try to keep all these calorific foods out of sight, plan your own meals in advance, and let your partner crack on and eat them if he wants to.
Personally I'd be a bit upset at his lack of support, but only you know if there is more to it than that......

Baggs Thu 18-Nov-21 10:10:00

I sympathise, Grammy, but I can tell you what it's like from the other side, so to speak. I hide sweet treats from my husband because he needs to lose weight and has a sedentary lifestyle. My life is not sedentary, I don't need to lose weight, and I enjoy a piece of cake when I get home from work. I make my own cakes, cut them into pieces and freeze the pieces.

So MrB could, in theory, snaffle some from the freezer but he doesn't. What he does instead is go out to the shop, which is just over a mile away, in the car and buys packs of scones, pains au chocolat, crumpets, brioche rolls, crackers and cheese and scoffs them all himself. He'll sometimes eat a whole pack of pains au chocolat in one day. He says he hasn't got a sweet tooth. Last night he went out for a bottle of Japanese beer.

I've suggested he walk to the shop for his treats, not to burn calories so much as to just get some exercise. I think he might have walked once.

So, eventually, after years of trying to help him restrict his eating, I've given up. I am not repsonsible for his eating habits and I've told him not to tell me next time he's "dieting". The dieting phases never last more than a couple of weeks anyway.

I think the problem is several-fold: bad eating habits started early in life; the difficulty of changing habits; the difficulty of sticking to a food regime that really isn't comfortable; propensity to what I think is a mild form of addiction. And so on and so on. So I sympathise with his problem as well.

But there's bugger all I can do about it – not for want of trying over the years.

Maybe your husband feels the same and his putting sweet food where you can see it is his way of telling you that it's your problem, not his.

Throwing the stuff out for the birds is a good tactic. Good luck and all the best flowers.

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 18-Nov-21 10:15:19

Sounds like your husband is well on the way to Type 2 Diabetes Baggs. The doctor would ensure he changed his lifestyle then.

Baggs Thu 18-Nov-21 10:16:14

That's what worries me, gsm. His mother developed Type 2 diabetes.

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 18-Nov-21 10:19:19

I hope it doesn’t happen Baggs but it would make him see sense. My husband was very similar and the diagnosis changed his eating habits dramatically. He’s much more sensible now, on medication and in remission.

Baggs Thu 18-Nov-21 10:19:39

On the funny side, when Minibaggs was home from uni once, MrB ate one of his pains au chocolat out of a pack of four and she ate the rest for her breakfast. MrB was quite put out even though he claims to have bought them with her in mind. I seem to recall he introduced her to them when she was quite young.

He asked me what had happened to them. I replied: "There's a teenager in the house." 😂

Baggs Thu 18-Nov-21 10:20:53

Germanshepherdsmum

I hope it doesn’t happen Baggs but it would make him see sense. My husband was very similar and the diagnosis changed his eating habits dramatically. He’s much more sensible now, on medication and in remission.

Oh, he sees sense already but it's just too hard apparently without something shocking giving him a thorough shove! Very worrying, really.

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 18-Nov-21 10:21:30

🤣🤣🤣

Sparklefizz Thu 18-Nov-21 10:23:38

Grammy Feeders are often insecure people who want to keep their partner overweight so that she won't leave him. I'm not saying your husband falls into this category but just pointing out that there is often a reason for a feeder person to want the status quo to stay the same. They feel threatened.

I saw it with an old friend and her husband.

Skydancer Thu 18-Nov-21 10:26:13

Grammy666 I could have written your post myself! When I met DH, over 20 years ago, I was extremely slim. No longer. He fills the cupboards with biscuits, cakes, crisps etc and there's ice cream in the freezer. He dishes out all this stuff for me as well as himself and I just have no willpower. I have begged him not to buy it but he says he gets hungry and I don't have to eat it if I don't want to. But I DO want to.... that's the trouble. He, I would add, is extremely slim and has perfect BP readings! Where can I acquire some willpower?

Lucca Thu 18-Nov-21 10:27:28

Germanshepherdsmum

Sounds like your husband is well on the way to Type 2 Diabetes Baggs. The doctor would ensure he changed his lifestyle then.

Sadly not always the case! I know someone whose husband is obese and diabetic and he just sits carries on eating pies cakes etc. And takes no exercise at all.

Kate1949 Thu 18-Nov-21 10:28:05

It's a difficult one. I suppose I'm lucky in that I'm not bothered about sweet things so I could resist them. My husband used to eat a lot of sweet things and was surprised to be diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes as he has always been very slim and walks miles most days. He's more or less given up sweet things now, just has the occasional treat. His diabetes is under control. Good luck Grammy

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 18-Nov-21 10:28:19

Sorry Baggs that was for your post of 10.19. I’m afraid the ‘it can’t happen to me’ attitude prevails until it does happen but at least it’s treatable nowadays.

MayBeMaw Thu 18-Nov-21 10:32:40

There’s always somebody though isn’t there?
Whether a family member
“I love you the way you are”
A so-called friend
“You don’t want to lose too much, it will show in your face”
Or a colleague who brings home bakes in to work
“Go on, we’ve earned it”
It’s undermining and insidious -and in a relationship, controlling.
I have seen young women in slimming clubs who have started, possibly trying to lose baby weight, looking plump and lacking self confidence, but then blossom as they lose weight and rediscover their self confidence because they know they look attractive.
This can be destabilising for a partner who might have to face competition!

dragonfly46 Thu 18-Nov-21 10:41:35

My DH is similar to Baggs DH.
His diet is appalling - I do control amounts but cannot make him eat fruit or veg. He has never eaten them and won't start now. Even the diagnosis of Type 2 Diabetes didn't phase him as he controls it with insulin.
We eat totally different things.
He is a lovely man but oh dear his DM has a lot to answer for! She used to pander to him and then when he was so thin she had him put on steroids to liven his appetite up!!
By the time I got him the habits were set in stone!

V3ra Thu 18-Nov-21 10:42:26

Grammy666 have you been to talk to your doctor about losing weight? They can help.
Baggs my husband has been overweight for years, and in complete denial about any long-term consequences.

However... A few months ago he went to the doctor about something. I don't know what was said about his weight, but he came home with a "prescription" for twelve weeks free membership of Slimming World.
To my surprise he actually went, and lost 3st during that time.
He's still going and is a complete convert. He's virtually taken over the cooking at home and we all eat the same.

He's been amazed at what a variety of foods he can eat in unlimited quantities, and it's made him realise how the little treats add up. His previous after-dinner Magnum every night for instance added up to 2000 calories, or an extra days worth each week.

It is something we have to take responsibility for ourselves, but without the support at home it must be so hard.

Baggs Thu 18-Nov-21 11:11:24

That's good news about your husband, V3ra. I shall live in hope!

MrB does not avoid fruit and veg and I cook our main meal (one course) from scratch but it seems the urge for something extra later in the evening is hard to challenge even when, theoretically, he shouldn't be hungry.

I might store up that Magnum info for use sometime.

Grammy666 Thu 18-Nov-21 12:48:39

Lucca

Germanshepherdsmum

Sounds like your husband is well on the way to Type 2 Diabetes Baggs. The doctor would ensure he changed his lifestyle then.

Sadly not always the case! I know someone whose husband is obese and diabetic and he just sits carries on eating pies cakes etc. And takes no exercise at all.

I feel very sorry for anyone trying to get Feeders to change their mindset .. they SAY they understand blah blah but nothing changes their behaviour .. He even leaves me cooked chips in the kitchen " as he cooked too many " so last night I threw the chips in the bin and he was furious ... I felt very empowered and satisfied...

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 18-Nov-21 17:56:10

Never throw edible stuff in the bin, put it out for the birds if you can’t use it!

Sago Thu 18-Nov-21 19:17:34

My husband is slim, fit and type2.
He once bought 17 boxes of the Lindor red balls as they were on special offer, going round a supermarket with him is like shopping with a petulant toddler.
He sneaks things in the trolley and when I object says” oh for crying out loud cut me some slack”
This afternoons Waitrose shop was a box of After 8, 12 bags of crisps,a family bag of licorice and two treacle sponge puddings.

I blame it on being away at school from 7-18 sweets were the currency until Razzle mag took over in V1 form.

M0nica Thu 18-Nov-21 19:54:36

Oh, Baggs, I so know how you feel. DH had a heart attack almost exactly this time last year. he had triple bypass surgery. All this went well, but he was given an antibiotic resistant infection in the operating theatre and that nearly did for him. However he did come out of hospital weighing 3 stone less than went he went in and I hoped he would use it as an impetus to lose more.

I looked at him yesterday and realised that despite me serving meals that keep me in shape and on target, so should not put weight on him, he has put all three stone back on and his sleep apnoea has returned.

It is the jelly babys he buys with the daily paper, or mince pies, or ginger biscuits or the cheese he keeps getting from the fridge or gin and tonics or glasses of wine. I do not have a sweet tooth and rarely snack between meals. He is not inactive he is always pottering around the house doing bits of DIY, but he eats to much.

Nothing I do or say has any effect, and I have tried everything, but if a heart attack, triple bypass surgery and loosing three stone during a near fatal infection hasn't scared the bejeebers out of him and made him take action, what chance do I have?

V3ra Thu 18-Nov-21 21:05:12

M0nica it's so hard to switch off isn't it?
Our GP practice nurse once told me that fretting about my husband's weight and lack of motivation to do anything about it was causing me stress and that was contributing to my raised cholesterol levels.
She said he was a big boy and needed to take responsibility for his own health. I said the trouble is that's my future you're talking about 😕
But I did take her advice onboard and switched off from his weight issues.

Incidentally my Mum used to blame me for him being overweight: "Why do you let him eat so much?" 🤦

Shelflife Thu 18-Nov-21 21:40:04

Don't think it is uncommon for a partner to jepadise someone' s plan to loose weight . I can't help wondering if there is more to this than meets the eye ....... Don't allow this to happen , stand firm !! I am sure you don't need help to loose weight but I suspect your Feeder Husband needs help to understand his own behaviour.

Elizabeth27 Thu 18-Nov-21 21:45:33

If it has been going on for years he may not believe you are serious this time about cutting out certain foods and knows that you really like them and probably thinks it really makes you happy.Could you have a serious talk to him about your health he may not have thought about it from that angle. Maybe he just like you bigger.