School issues

Well done Miss Adventure!
It's a shame that the Head had to be so defensive about the school's mistakes. She should have just accepted the blame and apologised profusely without you having to provide explanations of why you and your daughter couldn't attend meetings. But hopefully she will be more sensitive and supportive in the future.

Well done! I think they should send you a big bouquet of flowers with the letter and write an apology letter direct to your grandson.

Oh, almost forgot. I also asked why they are not texting my number with upcoming events and special days. She checked the computer in front of me and just fell silent. My number is there, in an email, sent to the school back in November.
I also have a meeting next week to meet grandsons teacher, and the lady who has been spending some one to one time with him (who I didn't know about - so they have got something right)
She also told me that his work is as good as ever. It hasn't declined at all.

Didn't we all do well, ladies?
I got a very heartfelt apology, and will be getting a written one, regarding the letter in my daughters name, I also asked that grandson should get some acknowledgement that it upset him.
The head was very forthright and said 'oh, excuse me, I believe you dont have an official order to say that grandson lives with you'. I told her I don't need one, actually, and that they have been informed by email and phone that grandson lives with me. I asked how many more times they need to be informed, and told her how hurtful it is to think our greatest tragedy seems to mean nothing.
She tried to bring up the fact that we didn't attend a meeting, and I reminded her that it was arranged too late, my daughter was in no fit state to see anyone by that time, and died less than a week later. She again said 'oh but we arranged a meeting after then and you didn't want to attend'. I explained that it was 2 days after my daughters death, and of course I wasn't in any fit state.
I told her about a teacher asking grandson why his work had 'gone down' in the last couple of months, and she admitted it was unacceptable.
I did get the feeling that she was trying to wriggle out of it, but I think she realised very well that they have fallen very far short of being 'supportive'.
I did have a cry, but managed to hold it together, and it ended on good terms. Sorry, all a bit rambly, but I'm relieved its done, and wanted to thank you all.

Actually, I will repeat the part that matters:

We shall all be there behind you, giving the HT and whoever else is there the Paddington Bear Hard Stare.

(sorry if that sounds frivolous).

Actually, my message above was deleted at my own request - why did you not say that GNHQ? because I thought better of it after thinking about it.

However, I would just like to say that I was being supportive, MissAdventure and with you all the way.

I've worked in schools for many years and understand how miscommunication happens, but and it's a big but, there is no excuse for this to have happened to you in such an awful set of circumstances. This is not a trivial matter, it's about as serious as it can get for all of you. My thoughts would be to request a meeting with the Headteacher and any person responsible for family liaison or welfare as well as the appropriate Form Tutor and/or Head of Year. Up to you whether you request the presence of the Chairman of the Governors. I would. I would be asking them to ensure that such a thing NEVER happens again, how they intend to do that and request that it is brought up in Staff Briefing, which they should have at least weekly. Also ask that the meeting be minutes and a copy sent to you.
Having said all that though, I'm aware that this is a lot to ask of you after what you have been through and you must do what feels right for you and your grandson. It would be understandable if you've had enough. No-one would think you were wrong to let it lie ... you know your grandson best and it may be best all round to do just that.
It's all to easy for others (like me!) to suggest things, I know that only too well.
Sending understanding and sympathy.

Message deleted by Gransnet.

As Bluebelle says we have our bovver boots on and we are all right behind you. Hope they grovel..... shall wait for an update!

Winston's Wish offers ongoing support to bereaved children and their families. You may find it useful for your grandson.
www.winstonswish.org/

We re all here with our bovver boots on
You have been treated badly and perhaps your complaint will help someone else in the future look at it that way
GOOD LUCK

These are unforgivable mistakes in a school. Speaking as an ex-teacher the headteacher and all staff should have been aware of the situation and have treated you and your grandson with great sensitivity. Even a large Academy chain school should be able to get this right.
It's a good idea, as you say, to write your points down so that you don't become too sidetracked by emotion.
There should be counselling provided for your grandson through the school from organisations such as "Winston's Wish".
I hope your meeting goes well missadventure.

coolgran the Senco teacher rep is the person who said they had no issue with grandson missing school as they 'knew the circumstances' (that my daughter was dying)

They have just phoned. Appt is at 2.45. I shall picture a legion of women behind me. No time to find a friend now, I look like the wild woman of Borneo. Will have to get my skates on!

Really feel for you MissAdventure. Good luck.

Eglantine's advice in her last couple of posts is superb.
A list ... and even prioritise within the list using a highlighter.
Maybe even a copy of the list to the HT for the file.

Great idea about taking a friend with you. The friend would be emotionally slightly removed from the situation and able to hold the meeting together if you needed to compose yourself.

I am so angry on your behalf.
I have worked in school administration, in hospital administration, and handled matrimonial issues in a solicitor's office - all needing a high standard of efficiency. It pains me when I see such lax administration and the harm and hurt it can cause.

Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the oil.... all you are wanting is for a sensitive matter to be dealt with efficiently and with sensitivity.

Will you ask where the communication fell down, not so much to point a finger at one person, but to check the school policy in such circumstances. Have they got a set procedure that was not adhered to. Or do they just wing it and hope for the best.

I am really sending good karma your way. Imagine we are all, every one of us, standing behind you in spirit. You and your DGS do matter. If you feel dissatisfied after your (and friend) meeting with HT...... ask to arrange a further meeting to include HT, Chairman of Board of Governors. Perhaps the SENCO teacher rep.

Ah, thank you. You really are a kind lot, when push comes to shove! Its so difficult, my daughter was the one to give me a strength to do things, its almost making me get 'the blubs' thinking about having a posse of grans behind me!

Great advice Eglantine21. Try to imagine us all behind you MissAdventure all GNers, we can't be there but we are with you in spirit. You have right on your side.

Good advice Eglantine and it will give you a chance to get your thoughts in order and make sure you don't forget anything MissAdventure - sometimes in stressful situations like that your mind can go blank and you remember everything you should have said afterwards.

Or take a friend with you.
I cannot believe that they would be anything less than sympathetic, but, having encountered the way that some HT's can turn the tables very neatly and turn it all into your or your child's fault perhaps taking someone with you could be a good idea too.

I'm afraid (as I know to my cost) that once the blubs start it gives them the opportunity to say 'I can see you're upset" lay on the sympathy and pretend that you're making an issue of things because you're upset and not because the issue is real!

Sometimes having a spokesperson is the way to go. But if you can bear to, write it all down, factually and in bullet points. Hand over a copy at the start and say you have documented your concerns.
Then if you feel you are losing it at any point ask them to continue reading and wait for their response. It will give you a chance to compose yourself.
Sorry I'm being bossy....
I'll send you a pm

Um, I may be able to find one. I'm really concerned that I will just blub as soon as I start speaking. The whole list of things that they have failed in is huge, and although I wont fetch them all up, they'll be on my mind. The last part of my daughters life was made so much worse by their incompetence and lack of thought.

Do you have an assertive friend to take with you? This is a very emotional issue for you. Sometimes it can help to have a less involved person there to keep the meeting on track.

It never ceases to amaze me, too, eazybee. Every time I think they've finally 'got it'...

If it is the first day of term the office will be very busy, but if you are not offered an appointment before the end of the day arrive at the school and demand to see the Head in person. Loudly.

Any Head worth his salt would phone you personally to apologise. It does sound an extraordinary place, not like any school I have ever worked in.

Thank you. My strength is dwindling by the minute. I just don't feel up to all this, but I am going to persevere, thanks to everyone's encouragement.