Excluded from school

Do you know if he's always had behavioural difficulties or is this a recent development?

How sad for the boy and also his family. They probably keep to themselves because they are at their wits end and don,t know what to do for the best. The boy may have an undiagnosed condition which is causing all these problems, and also around the start of his teenage year's,the hormones kicking in. Maybe you could find a way to befriend the family, I should think they need some friendship from someone who is,nt going to judge them, but just be there for them.

Nannan2 if only they could, sadly the two are sometimes intertwined. The school is not responsible for him when he is excluded he is the responsibility of the local authority. As for a place where he might get help, it's unlikely. Cuts to budgets have left huge numbers of children with no place to go and schools with little choice about the exclusion route. Last year 35 children a day were excluded and the number is climbing www.theguardian.com/education/2017/jul/20/number-children-expelled-english-schools

And im sure anyone can tell the difference between a teenager winding up a parent and a troubled child(teenager) who does maybe have other 'issues/ problems' ?

Yes good advice hm999- these days you cant be too carefeul- sad i know,but thats how the world is unfortunately- and no this child is not 7 or 8 trisher but IF he does have any learning difficulties/disabilities then he may need supervision same as a younger child?If hes imploring mum from window 'not to leave him' then maybe hes not emotionally ready to be left alone either.

Having worked with disruptive teenagers, my advice is please be very careful. A 2 week exclusion used to be the longest exclusion, so the school had reached the end of the tether with him, and in my experience makes him sound like a very disturbed youngster. Acknowledging the parents is a must, so you are deemed a family friend. You do not want to accused of grooming (trust me it happens).
Do not be in situation when you are on your own with him. You could be accused of all sorts of abuse. No teacher would have been with him one to one behind a closed door.
You sound like a lovely person, but do not be naive. An accusation (by child or parent) can ruin your life.

We're not saying 'ring up and accuse her of allsorts' but it pays to at least mention hes left alone all day when hes excluded- if he HAS got any mental health/care issues then he shouldnt be left unsupervised even at 12/13! - if nothing else it might make school pull their socks up and take responsibility instead of just excluding him- they might even find him a more suitable school where they can actually help him not condemn him- or at least put in place some other help- get the ball rolling so to speak.

Please please don't make a call. This mum has enough on her hands. This child is not 7 or 8 but older. If you must do something perhaps drop a note through her door saying you have seen him and passing on numbers that might be helpful. You don't have to sign it, but it will mean she has a chance to do something. She probably has a mortgage to pay and has to work. He may simply be winding her up (teenagers do you know). Give them a chance to sort things out at least. There will already be huge numbers of people giving advice she probably doesn't need more.

What were it that simple to 'get an appt' with CAMHS- my youngest son has waited over 18 mths for one in an area i was told had a 9mth waiting list! But as hes not violent all the time(though he has a few angry outbursts)hes not considered a priority! Back years ago yes it was easier to get an appt but no more!

Yes definately needs an anonimous call to someone.im sure its difficult for his parents as well,but how his mum just ignored him and went off anyway rings alarm bells for anyone whos concerned about a child.id definately let the school know if i could.but i know it sounds cowardly but please dont give your name or address as this might make things difficult for you with his parents.just say "a concerned neighbour" and leave it at that.my elder son had a boy used to call to play out with him when they were about 7-8, this boys parent/s used to throw him out of house at 7am (though he went to school &back alone)& he wasnt allowed back in till it was getting dark(later if winter)he had never a coat on so i gave him my sons old one- he was always hungry so id give him tea with my kids often.sadly we moved away soon after but i often wonder what happened to that poor boy& wish id done more to help him

What a lovely neighbour you are I wish I'd had a neighbour like you years ago my son is adhd and his teenage years were a nightmare .I felt very alone and would have really benefited from just a kind word just a hello to my son also I did have an elderly lady I visited and wether it was the age gap I don't know but he responded really well to her doing little jobs sometimes these children feel everyone is against them therefore a smile or a wave would be nice

I've seen similar scenarios many times. If you suspect abuse/neglect contact Social Services immediately, anonymously if you wish. Otherwise keep well out of this, for the sake of your own sanity and safety.

Yes i would say its none of your buisness as such.but the bit about his mum going off to work while hes hammering on window imploring her not to leave him is a bit concerning to say the least! My son has 'some issues' (though never been excluded)but i couldnt as a parent go off and leave him like that if he had! What is this mum thinking??i appreciate she had to work(probably)but what must this poor child be thinking also-' that even his own mum has washed her hands of him?' Or hes so bad/unlovable his own mum doesnt want to be around him?tricky this one- but you dont say if your on speaking terms with the parents at all?maybe 'good day' or chatting over the weather already?in which case maybe slip into conversation you could let him help you in the garden sometime if mum has to go to work or some such ?to see how the land lies for offers of help?if not& its rebuffed then theres not a lot you can do- except keep an eye on situation&play it by ear.(do you know what school he attends usually?maybe if situation gets worse and they leave him alone regularly you could ring school anonymously to tell them hes left alone all day while hes excluded)but leave it to school to take it from there.?if this child has mental/emotional/medical issues maybe hes not suposed to be left unsupervised?

Teetime

Just read your post about him hammering on his bedroom window and shouting 'don't leave me' to his mum.
That's heartbreaking.
Maybe both parents work and have no real interest in him. Unwanted in school and unwanted at home. The parents of his classmates have possibly warned their children to keep away from this boy, thus isolating him further.
I do think you could seek advice from Childline who will do their own discreet investigation.

*son's

Teetime
What a thoroughly nice caring person you are. I wish there were more like you who notice these things.
Whilst I would tread with caution, you might try to make friends with the parents. Only YOU can get a feel for the situation and perhaps, as others have said, his parents keep to themselves because of their sin's behaviour. 12/13 is a critical time in anyone's life both educationally and socially. The boy may have an unhappy home life which may cause him to be disruptive in school and, if he was getting help from any agencies, I wouldn't expect him to be 'hanging around' outside or simply shut indoors.
If he is not to go down the route of drugs and crime, recruited by older boys who see him as 'vulnerable' or 'an outsider', then action needs to be taken asap. Once in the claws of crime where he might be made to feel important, thus malleable, it will be tbe devil's own job to get him on the right path.
There is not much parents can physically do to stop a headstrong older teen from going out and mixing with those who seek to use him.
I'd talk anonymously to Childline and possibly to Social Services.
If there are plans in the pipeline then you have at least raised concerns in the most caring way.
Plenty to think about.
I applaud your concern where many would pass by.

My GS is ASD/ADHD with complex learning difficulties. In September 2017 he started Senior school who assured the LEA and his parents that they could cope. In March this year they announced that he "failed to meet the criteria for secondary school education" This comes after a catalogue of failures by the school in his care and support, (non existant). His Education and Health Care Plan, a legal hard won document, sat gathering dust in an office. None of his teachers knew of its existence!
Following the meeting in March, placing my GS in a specialist school was considered a matter of priority. As of today, 3 months later, we are still waiting, the school is still failing him and his anxiety and stress levels are off the scale.
Like the boy in this post, he has "meltdowns" at home. School which he used to enjoy, is now extremely stressful.
It is highly likely that this boy and his parents are going through a similar experience. As with my daughter, a simple smile, good morning and/or a quick chat is often enough to tell the boy, and his parents, that others are not condemning them and that they are not isolated.
In all honesty, that is all you can do, and is often more than enough unless you are a professional or experienced in the education/special needs field.

Just smiling and being pleasant probably means more than it feels like you are doing. It is hard to do much more but being friendly to the parents without interference would probably help too even if they can't reciprocate.
Not being judgmental already probably puts you above most people they have to deal with.

Note or doorstep

I work with children and find if you greet them with a big smile and Hi, how's things, etc they usually respond positively even if suspiciously first time. If you have previously spoken to him and know his name just chat to him outside in full view as you would to an adult. Then you can progress to asking him if he would like to do some sort of activity with you (game, cooking etc) or play on his good nature and say you are finding gardening heavy going, would he like to help? A small amount of pocket money for this maybe, but being sure to clear with parents first, by not or on doorstep. All he may need is a caring adult to show interest, maybe his parents are not very good at parenting and cannot handle him.

Smiling is great and he probably needs and seeks adult contact but does not know who to trust. Parents working will limit these opportunities. At this age adults outside the family can often be very helpful but approach slowly. If you can get him to chat - comment on his bike / where he is going / local park facilities ...... not why he is there / off school, - just giving him time may be the most valuable thing you can do. He is probably needing human contact.

The main thing is never to give up on a child, no matter how exasperating the behaviour is, it is usually a cry for attention inappropriately expressed.

Good luck!

It could be that he’s being bullied or the bully if he is shouting and arguing.
My gd school has counsellors and they are lovely, she suffers with mental health issues panic attacks and anxiety. She got a lot of help and her counsellor advised us to get an appointment for CAMHS. She would shout and argue but has improved so much. Is now at 6th form college.
It’s a shame you can’t talk to your neighbour it is so sad for these young people they are so unhappy.

Smiling and being pleasant can't harm anyone. I think it is kind that you are concerned and want to help. There are so many reasons why a child might be excluded but I expect whatever the reason upset and unhappiness for the child is probably the outcome.

My grandchild is one of four friends who went from the same primary school to the same tutor group in the comprehensive. One of her friends has learning difficulties and so she was targeted by a bully who had come from another primary school.

Her friends stood up for her. The bully came from another primary school where she had a record of bad behavour. The point is that the school had to go through quite strict procedures before this child could be sanctioned.

I do not condemn the child, merely report that the behaviour of this child disrupted the education of all the other classmates to the extent that the school had to go through their approved disciplinary procedure, eventually resulting in the exclusion of the child who disrupted lessons.

I hope that this excluded child gets the expert help that is needed.