School refuser, advice needed!

But CAHMS have such long waiting lists.My son was set up with sessions there aged nearly 16, then his 'worker' had to go help his own family as his father was ill,and they never replaced him!- nor set my boy up with a different worker either- i think he is still on the list but hes now almost 23.

Just send/take him to school. No other way.
He’s playing up because he has no father. Sorry but not unusual.

You LEA should have a department that deals with failed Home Schooling and they should send somebody out to see your daughter to see what can be done about it. My daughter had to use this service because her daughter left state education when they were moving and their house purchase was delayed by 6 months. She was home schooled whilst she was staying at my house but once they moved into their new home, she wouldn't co-operate. My daughter, who is disabled, couldn't get her into the school she could touch from her bedroom window because it was over subscribed and there was no way of getting her child into a school my daughter could take her to because of her disability. I rang the relevant department (with my daughter's permission) and within days, a home school inspector visited. My grandaughter was suddenly found a place at the school next door!!

As he is a 14 year old boy who reads books, and has a possible future career plan, and already does 'odd jobs' like gardening there are positives to focus on. Taking him to library (or second hand bookshops or charity shops) to choose books might be another option to do with him. I agree with looking into 14-16 college options, though college might be a bit intimidating if school is. In some areas there are groups of home schooling parents, so maybe help your DD look for these in case they could help. Other things you may be able to help with are games to do with him, scrabble for example. It does not sound as though he is totally unreceptive to learning, just very anti traditional methods so it is a matter of encouraging him to think, broaden his mind and acquire general knowledge in other ways.

OP I don't think it is wrong to just let him be. Sometimes what these kids need is a bit of space. He sounds like a good lad with lots of practical skills that could be put to good use.

We have exactly this with my youngest DGD . Once she started secondary school she couldn’t cope . My DS paid privately to be seen by a psychologist and she was diagnosed with autism .
She just can’t cope with the world due to anxiety . She went to school in year 7 but after one term refused to go back .
The following year her mum got her accepted by a much smaller school with only 400 pupils . They tried everything for her to attend . Started at one hour a day then after a month increased it to two hours . A month later 3 hours . All was well till the summer holidays and then she refused to go back .
This is a very clever girl who is not receiving an education . She was on course to take maths GCSE a year early .
I don’t know what the answer is . Her anxiety is through the roof and hardly leaves the house . Her screaming meltdowns are awful and she has very bad health anxiety . I come from a family of very stoic people who have always just got on with life and don’t understand today’s world where children are so frightened of life .

Tell your daughter to joint the not fine in school support for school attendance difficulties face book group. There are lots and lots of parents facing these issues and she will get lots of support there. Are there any 14-16 colleges in her area? It sounds like an apprenticeship course might be more suitable for him?

Would your son help?
Could he spend some time learning about the scaffolding business. How estimates/quotes etc are made?

Quite a few children aren't cut out for sitting at a desk and studying. That's good he can be put through an apprenticeship and have a job waiting. It will give him some motivation and purpose. I've seen a few children like this muddle through those difficult years, then turn their lives round doing something they enjoy.
I do wish not everything was measured by academic achievement.

No he doesn’t spend all day on his computer. He uses his phone but does actually like reading books. His dad bought him a phone and contract for Christmas so some of the restrictions are out of my DD hands. Unfortunately because of other issues, such as financial difficulties arising from the separation and then her having changed the working hours in order to support him with his problems, I think she has run out of steam. On some level, wrongly I know, I sometimes think they should just let him be! My son has a small scaffolding business and he’s already said that when he is old enough he will put him through a scaffolding apprenticeship. This is something I know would suit him. He’s a strong lad, enjoys being outside and used to love helping my late husband in the garden. He still cuts my grass. He just absolutely hates academic and the way it’s structured. But obviously this is not possible so we are trying to find a solution.

If he’s not attending school and not engaging in home learning, what exactly is he doing all day? If the answer is “playing on his computer”, I think the situation could be resolved quite quickly.

I'm rather envious, wish I'd thought about just refusing point blank to go to school! I had a miserable time there but rather meekly acquiesced; I would have done far better had I just been left at the local library with a list of subjects to read about. Children have a lot more control over their lives now.

Establishing a rotuine is very important, but don't make it too restrictive.
Bedtime, for example, is more important than the time he gets up.
I am slightly surprised he doesn't have restrictions on his internet use already, but there are parental controls available for phone access, taking he has a phone of his own and preuming his mum pays the bills.
It can also be done for gaming, but it shouldn't be used as a punishment only as an incentive.
I really hope you can see some positive ways through this, and keep us informed of any progress please.

No we live in the UK. I am trying to support both my DD and my DGS. It’s a very difficult situation. I am not criticising or pressuring either. The strange thing is that he is actually a very polite and kind caring young man! He doesn’t kick off even when mom is obviously pulling her hair out, he just says I’m not going and I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do! I do like the suggestion about trying to include him in some of my routine stuff where possible to begin to get some sort of routine started. It’s an excellent suggestion about switching off the internet at reasonable times, and not having phones in schools is something I support. This is a massive issue in my opinion with much more profound problems yet to be faced with this long term! But obviously that is a post for another thread. Just now I’m trying to stop my DD not having a breakdown and beginning to help my lovely DGS integrated into some sort of normal life. Again many thanks to those who are taking the time to comment on this thread. Even the most negative ones can sometimes open your eyes to a different perspective. 🙏

Cossy

eazybee

I would say this boy is 'out of control,' as in his mother cannot control him, not even to the extent of a trip to the doctor. He is fourteen, and seems to have done as he pleases, for whatever reasons, for the last two years. He and she definitely need professional intervention, and soon.
I wondered if this was an American situation, with the reference to college funding.

Too young for college, not sure I understand that comment?

Cossy
When we were at school tittle tattle/ bullying was by word of mouth.
Now, they have the the internet to spread the bullying to hundreds in the school.
Let’s suppose this poor little kid was a victim of the 21st form of bullying.
I’ve seen the vile shite my granddaughter was subjected to while she was actually in the school.

Can he come to you for days or half days out on a regular basis? Visit parks, museums, galleries, NT properties, gardens etc etc. And just talk to him gently about anything that engages his interest (not trying to teach him, just conversation). He will learn something from you and the experiences. If you can establish this as a regular event it will help establish a routine for him, important for future working life. You might be able to take him with you on any local group walks (I have met a few home ed children doing so with parents or GPs at local nature reserve and library events). Look at it as learning in the broadest sense.
One other bit of advice for your DD, switch off the internet at home as much as possible especially overnight and no mobile.

sankev

Absolutely MOnica, this world seems so much more complicated to navigate than the world I remember growing up! I honestly don’t know how I would have survived as a young person now. So much pressure especially from social media it’s no wonder mental health issues are so much more prevalent now.

Hit the nail there Sankev!

I would suggest again that you stop pressuring him into doing schoolwork- it isn't your role here.

Just let him know you are there for him in any form that usually takes and let him find his own way through it. Also the same for your DD who is living a nightmare just now.

You should be the steady rock for them both.

Absolutely MOnica, this world seems so much more complicated to navigate than the world I remember growing up! I honestly don’t know how I would have survived as a young person now. So much pressure especially from social media it’s no wonder mental health issues are so much more prevalent now.

sankev, I have every sympathy for the dilemma your family face. I think mental problems in children are the most intractable to deal with and there is so little support available.

Many thanks to all who have joined this discussion. There is some good advice given by some and I will work through some of the suggestions with my daughter. I would like to clear up the misunderstanding that I am someone who doesn’t believe in the seriousness of mental health. I was wrong to say I felt he was choosing to be naughty because I do believe he needs some mental health support. This is why I have tried to persuade him to see his GP but he refuses. Also, having brought up a DGS with ADHD and ASD I understand more than most. He had support from CAMHS and with a lot of support on both sides we managed to get him through mainstream school. He is now 30 and I still give him some support and guidance even though he now lives independently. This does not seem to be the case with my youngest GS. And there is as others have said an absolute post code lottery of support. I have already paid for some online tuition but he is also refusing to take part in that. He still has regular contact with dad but he refuses to even discuss the situation and says basically it’s up to my daughter as she is responsible for him during the week. Thank you again for some understanding and helpful feedback.

She has requested help but all she is getting at the moment are demands for her to show how his home schooling is developing! They said because she chose to go down the home schooling route and he wasn’t actually expelled from school that she is responsible. It was really a matter of her jumping before he was shoved! She felt it was better than him being expelled long term It also means she can’t get funding for him to attend a college now he has turned 14!

Cossy

keepingquiet

I used to work with these kind of troubled young people. We never used the term school refusers. Using lables like this isn't helpful.
Luckily, my LEA provided home school tuition which, as someone said above, has been cut back except in a few places.
Otherwise, it does mean an eventual CAMHS referral, but like every other service, this had also bene cut back and waiting lists are long and treatments often ineffective.
The mistake OP has made is to withdraw the child from school to give home schooling. The LEA are no longer responsible for the education of this child, and the responsibility has been handed to the parent.
Anyone considering this route needs to be fully prepared for the repercussions.
What advice can I give OP? Sadly very little- this is for the responsible parent to sort difficult though that is to accept.
I'm afraid this is a situation that could take a long time to resolve. Meanwhile as a grandparent try to maintain your normal relationship with your GC and stay away from pressuring him about going to school or learning.
Leave the situation be for a while and let mum sort out what she feels needs to be done.
Again, try not to be too judgemental about her decisions either- your role here is to support them through it as best you can.

We still don’t know which country these people are in, they may have completely different rules re local authorities or states (if in USA)

I absolutely agree though that the role of all adults around this child should be supportive and to try and find a way to discover what his issues actually are.

In the absence of knowing I just wrote my reply as if OP was UK resident.

I have no idea of how these things are dealt with elsewhere.

That said it is still the place of the parent and not the GP to find what help is available and I hope the problem is resolved soon for all concerned.

I sincerely hope your DD can persuade him to seek help because I think his behaviour could be a call for help.

Yes I agree.
As I said earlier too He may not even know why he is behaving like this.

Adolescence is a difficult phase and seems even more so now than when we were young.

Cossy

Allira

A much better way is a total ban o phones being used actually within schools, and social media sites being more responsible about what they allow on their sites.

Yes, agreed, but how would that help with school refusal?

I wonder how this is going to work in Australia in the long-term. 🤔

Absolutely no idea, sorry, it was just in answer to another comment around teenagers use of mobile phones.

I was just musing.
It was a rhetorical question. 🙂

I do think the word ‘naughty’ is actually not appropriate when dealing with adolescents, sorry OP you may just see this as splitting hairs, the thing is 14 year olds face so many more issues today than we did back in the day, and boys are much less able to talk about this than girls.
I sincerely hope your DD can persuade him to seek help because I think his behaviour could be a call for help.