estranged grandchild's upcoming birthday - what do you do?

We are also in a same situation as you,although are GPS do know and love us. My daughter moved and did not give us her address but I got it from her step brother so I keep in touch with money and gifts she had now allowed them to write thank you letters telling us how much they love and miss us,(do not know what she is telling them why we don't see them). You have my sympathy as I know how heartbreaking it is . Like you we have no idea why daughter is like this.
My neighbour also has a grandson she has never seen. Our children can be so cruel. All the best for the future x

I'd love to have had DGPS. I wish there was more support for estranged GPS.

What you're doing for your DGD is a lovely thing. I really hope that one day she'll find you and you can be part of each other's lives.

Go out to a café on her birthday and have a delicious cake to celebrate her special day. Even though she can't be with you, there's no harm in wishing her a happy birthday in your own way. You could take a selfie and put it in her memory box.

There are so many posts on this website that resonate ..the painwe go through as parents and grandparents.
I have no idea why our adult children behave like this and want to punish us...I am sorry for you ...and me and all,of us.!
It's like a gnawing ache for me not being able to fix things and I expect you feel the same - we aren't all capable of compartmentalising ( gosh that's along words! ) our issues and can feel the pain constantly although we have to get on with our lives and pretend we are coping.

We are lucky in one way as we are allowed to see two of our grandchildren occasionally and for their birthdays we give them vouchers but are not allowed to see them as a family. The eldest one has been told we have lied to her and didn't come out with us last time just her younger sister. I am fed up with it. It is a shame that my youngest son and his wife have decided to push the rest of the family away so the four grandchildren haven't seen each other for nearly a year.

Thanks again for all the comments and kind words. Love the idea of keeping a journal. xx
I wish I had words that could offer some comfort for those of you still feeling so hurt. I come from a background of rejection beginning with my mother. I wouldn't say I'm immune to it by any means but through writing women's fiction on how families can sometimes behave in ways that are hard to explain, I think I've been able to create characters and storylines that help others see their own situation very differently, ie it's not you. I'm certainly very self sufficient and self reliant. I used to think I was the problem because that's what I'd been told growing up. It took me a long time to realise that other people's anger had not been caused by me. Plus I have a lot of friends and long term relationships which shows that it is just family that seems to be where the issues are focused. But you know? Only just over a year ago, it brought me to my knees. My daughter had been back and forth several times when her life got wobbly, she introduced us to a baby grandaughter on a few occasions sufficient for me to bond. Then she closed the door again by making up a heap of wild excuses why I couldn't be included. The last time she did it, I became ill. I had to go and see my doctor and I ended up on medication. That was the turning point for me. I vowed that from then on I was going to stop hoping for and indeed, depending on having a relationship with my daughter. My mother and birth family had played their part on why she holds the view that she does which is basically, that I am nothing. I have no value. This is how I grew up and I think my daughter must have ended up with my mothers genes because she's just like her.
So, I made a very hard decision to just not go back for more of the same. My doctor was wonderful, I had to stay on the pills for 6 months and I just kept coming back from the pit I'd fallen into. I came off the pills, stayed away from the irritant and 12 months on, I am feeling a lot better. But it's not the child's fault and I do want her to know that she is loved so while I'm not keen to go and stand back inside the lion's cage, I intend not to be invisible to my grandaughter forever. If can leave her a legacy of love and just be in the background, I will feel I've done my best to turn something really pretty awful and bleak into something good and hopeful. Not that I am a saint or Mother Theresa but you get my point. It's how you end things that matter. I think so anyway. xx

Hi Nina1959, You have just brought tears to my eyes as your story could be mine. My DH and I have struggled for the last two years to the point that is was making us ill. We are trying to remove ourselves from the insanity for the sake of our health. Our only DD married a very controlling person. Some of the things that have been done to us are disgusting to the point I am actually ashamed of our DD. Our DS took christmas presents from us to our GS on his 1st Christmas and gifts for DD and sit too. They were all returned with a msg from or sit to F off.
Thats when my box began. I couldn't bare to give the gifts away and used to hold them in my arms and cry. The loss of a DD and the gift of what is a GC is like a bereavement.
I now have photographs, cards and little keepsakes for him. I know the box will be passed to him one day, even if I am long gone. The problem I fear is he will have had a lifetime of people telling him how dreadful we are. I can't change that, but I can have an effect of the future. I can't tell you how much better I feel after finding GN. To know we are not alone and to share such grief.
I really hope that you find some peace and get to enjoy adding to your box xx

Nina,I am so sorry that you are being denied the chance of a relationship with your granddaughter.How you are dealing with it is amazing.If you want to buy a birthday gift how about a charm bracelet.Pandora do some lovely ones and you could add a charm each birthday.?

Poly580

Bless you. What can I say to bring some comfort? I'm really doing OK now since I stopped being a slave to such an ungrateful family mob. That's the only way I can put it. In the book I'm writing now, I give mention to the biblical reference of the scapegoat. Two goats were taken, one was slaughtered and used as a sacrifice. The other was kicked out into the desert and left to fend for itself. I do write about the second goat probably having a lucky escape while wandering around wearing a placard that reads a heartily felt * off to the tribe that abandoned it. There is some humour in the story despite it not being very funny at all.
But this has been my life and one thing I have had to wake up to is that it's only been a part of my life, not all of it. The trick of course is to survive what family members have done to us and try and rebuild. I have done this now and I'm far happier. I've also made new rules. I will only get involved with my daughter again if she's homeless or starving but other than this, I have grown wings and gone.
I used to run a group for estranged parents and literally within days of starting it, we were deluged with parents all telling the same story. I had to pass it onto someone else in the end because I couldn't cope with the sheer volume of people. All I could do is fix myself and until I did this, I wasn't much use to anyone.
I would now say to any parent going through a similar situation that once you've done all you can, step back. Let them go and you rebuild your own life. It's very hard, I know, but if you can form a support network, groups like this are helpful, you will be able to grow strong again. If they come back, well, then you'll have to decide how to handle things from there. But for me, tough love will apply from now on. xx

Susan56, yes I have bought a charm bracelet and add to it each year. xxx

Su66 thank you for your comment. It helps. There is obviously a lot more to my story. Being sworn at by my son etc. I am sorry to hear your grandchildren are being cut out of their other grandparents life. What about another family member as a mediator? There are more and more blended families. Can't the other granny visit your daughter and her dh. The children are very young and perhaps she can't cope with them in her own home maybe. I hope this helps.

I suggested to a friend in a similar situation that she have a Facebook page where she put on simple things about her life past & present that she was happy to have online. That would enable a curious grandchild at some point in the future to find her.

You know, I read these kind of thread topics with such sadness but it is a help to me in that it re-affirms that I am doing the correct thing by walking on eggshells and lip zipping much as the need for these practices tends to irritate me. I think I'm doing well and the joyful bonuses of spending time with my GC well outweighs the frustration of dumbing down. Thanks for the reminder of this here, ladies.

I too have an estranged daughter and grandaughter. Afer many years of heartache, I decided to just accept what is and get on with my own life. I decided I didn't want contact with my daughter as the gap between us could never be filled and the relationship would be a strain. The old saying of 'time is a healer' is true.

Many people might think this is a sad situation, but I would prefer to make my own decisions about who is in my life.

If my grandaughter wanted to make contact of her own in the future, then I would be happy to see her. I no longer count lost birthdays or Christmases, and I have no regrets.

You have done as much as you can and, if it were me Nina1959, I would just let go. I would encourage you to concentrate on what makes you happy in your life, anything else is a bonus.

I'm sorry I can't offer any rays of hope, I'm a realist and choose to look after me first because I'd be no good to anyone else otherwise. xx

Nina I have no advice but I just wanted to say you sound incredibly strong. Could it be possible that your 'D'M has brainwashed your DD. Planted seeds from a young age. If you have been the scapegoat then it could be possible?

I totally agree that there is far too much estrangement going on. It was suggested to me to have a browse through a website for young mums to give me an insight into how they feel and think. It was quite informative.
I saw that the majority of young mums are stressed trying to do all and be all. I also see that they set themselves very high aims. They don't want to start of in small flats they need 4 bed detached with 3 bathrooms and 2 newish posh cars in the drive. No bangers for them. It is stress. They are very quick to decry Grans and MILs and scream No Contact for every real or assumed sin from the grandparents. I wonder how perfect these young mums are just now and how perfect they will be when they are grandparents. We are all only human.

Lyndie - I feel very much the same as you. I just cant cope with the constant criticism of me, apparently I cant even wash dishes! This has destroyed what little confidence I had.

SillyNanny321 - You could be one of my opposite grandparents. I have had to withdraw because not only do I get constant verbal bashings I am told constantly how wonderful "his mother" is. This is the second MIL to that DD. I am still shocked at what the previous MIL did to my DD which has resulted in a child being withheld by that MIL and the DGC is now in care, and no-one can see that child. This other grandmother is visited and special days spent with them I am only called out to be of service at any hour of the day or night. Nor do I expect to be asked for more money than I was willing to give by the SIL. The other grandmother has done very little against me but her adult child has caused this animosity. With all due respect perhaps you do not know the whole story.

I do love my DCs and DGC but I really can not allow them to destroy me in these ways.
I wish things could have been so different but I just wish to be treated decently and fairly.

How very sad nina1959.
I don't have any useful suggestions I'm afraid.
I wanted to say my paternal grandparents (mainly grandfather who controlled grandmother ) cut me out of their lives. Really from the age of 11 when my parents separated. I think I may be saw them a handful of times before my father died but they boycotted his funeral blaming me and never spoke to me again! I was not told when my nan died and found out my grandfather died by a stranger on a bus who worked with my father's sister!!
Family feuds for whatever reason have profound and lasting affects on children and the adults they become.
I hope you get to know your grandchildren (without prejudice on either side). Good luck ?

I'd write her a letter on each birthday. Don't post it, but date it on the outside instead and put it (them) in a safe place to be given to her when she reaches 21 (perhaps) or even later.

Make them interesting and informative and non-judgemental. Don't play the 'sad granny' card, even though that's how it must feel. Tell her about yourself now, what you are like, your hobbies, your life. Tell her a bit about any ancestors, and relatives and about yourself when younger and happy and/or funny memories from her mother's childhood.

Include any photos you think might be of interest and put this all inside her birthday card.

Imagine if your grandmother, or great-grandmother, had left you a record like that....how fascinating would that have been?

Just remember to keep it light, interest, funny and leave out any angst you might feel toward her mother.

All these stories are so sad. Not a lot you can do just yet.

I think what you are doing re: your photo album is the right and thoughtful thing to do. One day you might find her on your doorstep and you will be able to share memories with her. I hope that day will come and wish you luck.

I think wherever there is abusive treatment, anger and rage aimed at you, the healthy thing is to just remove yourself. It did take me a long time to realise this. It's very painful withdrawing from someone we love but we either stand there and keep taking the rants and verbal bashings, or we leave. In my case, after a long time of trying to 'fix things', I had to leave. By leaving I mean just stopped trying. I no longer go back to even attempt to resurrect the communication.
I agree that on one particular Mum's group, not that I spend much time there, one of the most prominent pieces of advice that is very quickly given is to go No Contact. But a lot of them live on there soaking up all the bad news and drama that some of the posters rhyme off at random. They've all become self appointed experts and they're so right about everything. In fact, it's almost like forums have become a method of being parented through every little dilemma or difficulty. I feel redundant!
I also agree that rather than aim for what's affordable and sensible, they want it all now with bells on. Even the news recently has run articles with younger mothers complaining that having children was a mistake because they didn't know that they'd have to actually be so hands on looking after children. They don't seem to realise that when we have children, our own lives are sacrificed in the process but this was always a given.

If I'm completely honest, now that I've come through so much family difficulty, I seem to have reached a destination where life is so welcoming and friendly, I don't want my family back. Not as they were anyway. I find it amazing that they're the ones with the 'problem' and yet I had to go and get therapy!

One thing I know is that after being repeatedly cut off and excluded, you've no choice but to pick up the threads of what's left of your life and try and move on. Once you do, you start to realise how good life is without them and then you realise how much you've changed and how you no longer feel the same way about them that you once did. You still love them and you want them to be happy, but you don't love them like you once did. That's gone. They killed the part of you that held all that love. In it's place, a new you grows and the new you is much smarter, far wiser and a lot less inclined to dive anywhere near the deep end again.

Nina1959 - As sad as all these estrangements are your last post gives me hope that there will be something in the future. I am not quite at your point yet. I do know that it is best to steer clear of difficult relatives. It is easy for me because I am an adult with all the benefits of being older, with a house a car and a bank account. My poor DGC also come in for a fair bit of shouting and decrying but they have no real options other than to stick it out till they are older. This is a worry for me.
I saw that you agreed about the website for young mums. I am glad that I am not the only one to see what they are like.
I am hoping that by staying clear I will regain confidence and be able to do things again and that there will be a later life in store for me.
Thank you for giving me that hope

I'm so sorry Nina. I can only say that you're doing all you can at the moment. But don't ever give up hope, your granddaughter will grow up and will see things through adult eyes. I like the idea of sponsoring a child or guide dog in her name. It's an ongoing thing that you can tell her about in the future hopefully. Keep strong. Xx

Lovely to read such supportive and caring posts.

When I hear these stories of estrangement, I wonder what the parents will tell their children as they grow up as to why they don't know their grandparents. What do you think your daughter will tell her daughter about you?

Reading these posts as brought tears to my eyes bless you all ?

Hi This is the first time I have answered a thread although I am an avid reader. I am in the same position with an estranged daughter. She is the mother of my only 2 DGC (ages 6 & 3) & I feel so sad that I am not part of their lives. However, as suggested I still send gifts at birthdays & Christmas in the hope that one day things might change. I am so glad that I am not alone with such a sad problem.