The Brainwashing Behind Going No Contact

I don't think it is fair to lump an entire generation into one thing. My kids were born in the 70s and 80s and are very kind and have beautiful manners. Obedience? Well I didn't think I was training a dog and they are adults so not sure who they would be expected to obey.

I know plenty of selfish people with poor manners who were born in the 40s 50s 60s and 70s. A career in HR really gives you an insight into people.

Well I get your point about obedience, and that was the thinking in the 70s, but obedience was considered desirable when we were children, not sure if that has led to positive, negative or neutral traits in our generation of older people.

Thanks yogagirl I think I'll tell her but dont want to make things worse with comments about 'toxic narcs' etc. Her only other GC are abroad and she is widowed so really has no-one else (family I mean.) I find it difficult to understand why they'd do this as she is the kindest, most unassuming person!

Pollyperkins, I’d say yes, show your friend this thread. It’s easy to feel like a bit of a freak when this first happens to you. It is somewhat comforting to share feelings with others in the same boat, so to speak.

Ingejones, I agree with you about what we taught children of the 80s.

Ingejones and Stella I think innate personality traits seem be the reason as I raised both ds and daughter the same,
My son is kind supportive and thoughtful and yet my estranged daughter has been capable of such cruelty I would t bestow on my worst enemy let alone loving parent.

Exactly celebgran and so often this seems to be the case, one child going NC and others being fine. Can't be the generation can it.

Oh yes thinking about it I have to agree that's one of the things that can influence this. For instance my son is like this, and his son, who we have only just met for the first time and wasn't brought up by him, is just the same. In fact son and gs were thrilled to find out how similar they were. Then they both stopped talking to me altogether after many years of son only talking to me twice a year! What I really was talking about in the generational thing was how open and proud todays adult children feel they can be about wiping their parents out of their lives, rather than gritting their teeth and feeling they have to see their parents out of unpleasant duty like we did when we didn't get on with our parents very well.

I agree ingenjones but would use different words I think imo we respected our parents? It would never In million years occurred to me to cut them out!
However I loved my mum dearly and could never have hurt her that way, and my dad died sadly when I was only just 16.

It's very hard to understand I think loyalty and respect should be shown to someone who gave u life and nurtured you for years. Some may not agree.

In an ideal world celebgran but just like some children can be selfish, uncaring and sometimes downright cruel so can some parents.

I used to work for a large police force and when you have seen children who have been abused by their parents you realise that not all parents deserve love and respect. When you are involved in rescuing underage girls who are being sold by their mothers you can't think all mothers are nurturing and loving. It is sad but true.

There are also children who are abused in a different way, well dressed, well fed but who feel unloved and are manipulated or controlled by their parents. Sometimes going NC is what they have to do for their mental health.

My mother always said she married my dad because he was the first man who stood up to her mother. Now my grandmother was amazing, she coped with some very difficult things in her life and she and my mother were very close but she didn't want to lose my mother so she sabotaged every relationship she had until my dad. The funny thing was once she was stood up to she actually adored my dad but a weaker man would have had a difficult time with her.

Human relationships are very complicated, I think most of us mothers do our best, most of our kids love us, nothing is 100% and some bad parents get adored by their children and some great parents get rejected but I hope most good parents are loved.

I'm biting my tongue with one of mine at the moment, his relationship isn't working out and he is escaping in drink. I only hope now Christmas and New Year are done he gets a grip. Of course there are faults on both sides but I try not to take sides, look out for the GC and get ready to deal with the aftermath. If only they gave you a manual when you left the delivery room.

My mother stopped speaking to me for 13 years and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I did so much growing up in that time. That's why I have just let my son get on with it instead of chasing after him. Maybe separation from me is exactly what he needs at this stage in his personal journey.

IngeJones very thought provoking! [09:32]

Yes IngeJones there is no shame in cutting out loving parents, in fact these AC are praised and applauded for it, and held up as heroes! This is all very different in Asian culture, as we all know.

Yes yogagirl as i sáid so sad there seems lack respect for older people in uk now not that I like think of myself as old ?.

However children perceive their upbringing in most cases parents have worked so hard to do their best, yet ca. Be discarded like dirt under their shoe.

Well if the world was fair, provided that the parent had fed the child, clothed it, seen to it when it was helpless or sick... what I am saying if the parent at least performed adequate physical care, regardless of how close emotionally they were, then the child can at least return that duty later in the parent's life even if they don't like them very much.

I was reading a thread a few days ago about friendships. Quite a few people think that anyone who doesn't bring something positive into your life should be cut out. I'm not for one minute saying that estranged parents did nothing positive, but it seems to be thought these days that everyone should 'protect' themselves from ever being upset or annoyed.
Maybe that's just my perception. It got me thinking that I'm not sure I've been anything but a misery guts for a good few years. I wonder if i'll be cut out from peoples lives? Watch this space.

Ingejones you are right, but in my case we were emotionally very close my ed used to say we were too close? Is that possible? So I don't tick the right boxes??

Ha ha miss adventure let's hope not!
D
Got say my friends have been brilliant last 9 years and I must have driven them mad.
My closest friend won't let me dwell on it and is always coming up with positive stuff, well I am lucky enough to have 2 very close friends. The other one never judges and is always always there for me.
It's good feeling,

Sadly my oldest friend xxxx godmother seems to have decided to shun me after 46 years nowt so queer as folk I think is good saying!

That’s interesting MissAdventure. I’m retired now, but I was a counsellor for many years. My type of therapy was often painstakingly slow, with the client embarking on a journey of deep introspection, before making any life changing decisions. I noticed that the schools of thought that younger newly qualified counsellors were bringing in were based more on the kind of thinking you describe. In a nutshell, if something/someone is troubling you, and is adding nothing to your life, get rid. It was dressed up more prettily than that, but that seemed to be the ethos. In my opinion that kind of knee jerk reaction seldom works long term. It’s usually taken many years for a problem to get to boiling point, so to expect a solution in a couple of sessions is unrealistic.....Rosy.

Well, I suppose for years people (women, moreso?) did put up with quite a lot. Bosses could almost rule a persons life, and so on.
I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'm not sure weeding people out like seedlings is the right thing to do.

I think you have a point miss adventure tho life is too short to be around people who don't make you happy
However most of us have our faults and peculiar ways don't we?
C b therapy seems buzz word of trying to see things from different perspective as we can't change other people only our reaction or attitude to them.

Nhs counselling is such long wait I was offered earlynappt but only if I agree to be videoed by traineee I declined as can't think of anything worse.
However previously I was only offered 1 initial session and 3 follow ups nowhere near enough time.
Private therapy not an option now dh retired and I am that year won't get pension until 66?

Oh no, I wouldn't want to be filmed either! I think of the estranged parents, it seems that they naturally and painfully work out for themselves that they cannot change anything other than their reaction to being estranged. Its a long, arduous road though.

It certainly is! Miss adventure I speak from bitter experience of 9 years estranged

Polly, I, too, think your friend should see this and similar threads. It may be helpful for her just to know she's not alone.

Inge, idk. I praised my dd for kindness & good manners as well as "intelligence, skills and achievement. So did dh and other parents we knew with their children. Of course, we also liked when they obeyed us. Who doesn't?

Then again, I'm not estranged, but some of those other parents I know are, and "there but for the grace of God, etc."

Perhaps we stressed self-esteem more than previous generations and that's why our ac and cil are often more assertive with us than we were w/ our parents. But that's ok, imo. I just think this co thing has gone too far - it's taken on a life of its own!

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