The Brainwashing Behind Going No Contact

Well Yogagirl one advantage of doing it that way is that if he's still struggling after your apologies and promises to change, there is a better chance he might have to face the fact the problems stem from his own feelings rather than your behaviour.

Good post Starlady all the way through to the end!

I apologised, even though I did nothing wrong, apart from accuring jealousy from s.i.l & his mother [my GD's stepdad] I asked for a meeting, to include his parents, and said I would apologize for anything that I'd said or done to upset him and I would change anything I was doing that upset him. But of course the thing that upset and annoyed him was my deep love for my D&GD&GS and their deep love for me!

IngJones I hope you point that out to your estS, when you get to see him, that he takes after his GM with control through money!

Luckylegs9 love that saying: Speak the truth, shame the devil and as you, no husband would have got me to cut off my M&D or S&B.

I completely agree with you Rosy regarding Bugs and thanks for your kind words. We all read your posts with interested and hope one day you are reunited with your beloved GD. Even though you are thankful not estranged from your DS, thanks to his courage in standing up to his wife and keeping his principles, you are very much a big part of 'our' page and this one too and we look forward to your input. xx

Yes Luckylegs I have no address as they moved, no phone number or mobile number, no email, apart from their shared one, which of course I couldn't use, and no go-between, so brick-wall of silence!

Good question Eddiecat

Norah it's not a few short years, over 10years for me. Have you ever spoken to your 4 daughter's m.i.l's that have been cut out, have you ever asked them how they feel? I suspect they are as heart broken as us on here, do you care? [I'm not having a go at you, just asking a question] If my now estD had said she was going to CO her m.i.l and not let her see the GC, even with my GD not being hers and no blood relation, still I would have urged my D to let her see the GC once a week.

Smileless are your neighbours angels by any chance?

Quite right IngeJones regarding sending cards or not.

I don't really understand the issue over whether some egps are "bitter" or not. Why wouldn't they be? Imo, it's a very special egp who isn't. Sure it may be a good idea to keep one's heart open, etc. But gps are only human beings like everyone else, they have feelings, and if they've been co often they are hurting very much. For some people hurt can turn to bitterness. I don't think one has much control over which way that goes.

What do eac expect, that their eps/epils will go along all sweetness and light during the years of estrangement? They have to know there is bound to be pain, unless they're the type who can only see their own. They have to know that pain can turn to bitterness or perhaps just extra caution.

Bugsy, your idea of saying, "Let's move on, "etc. is very nice. But if you do any reading on mn, you'll know that a lot of eac are against that kind of reaction. They call it "sweeping the problems under the rug." They want an apology from the egps for whatever wrong they claim was done, and they can have very specific ideas about how that apology should be worded. Sometimes, an apology isn't even enough.

One can't really say, "all is forgiven" and expect to be taken seriously by some of these eac because, generally, they don't think they have done anything to be forgiven for. What they expect is for the egps to seek forgiveness, to apologize, as I said before.

And that's where there's often an issue. Either the egp doesn't feel they did what the eac says they did or they feel they've apologized enough and don't need to reword it, etc. But the eac don't agree. And so - an impasse.

Oh, and, yes, if the eac have them fully blocked and co, they can't really apologize at that point, anyhow.

Do you have any idea what you would do in that situation, Bugsy? I THINK I would find it worth it to try the apology the eac's way if I were in that situation - and IF they left me a way to contact them. But I'm not in that situation, so Idk.

Norah that would be lovely just so heartbreaking we missed all those years of being loving supportive grandparents

Maddyone u do talk lot of sense.

It's not a normal thing to do cut off your entire family as my daughter has. I do think she was under lot strain after having baby then losing her grandad only grandparent she knew all her life.

However it happened and we have try and cope

But I do think that in order to cut off one's family, the person doing the cutting off must be either suffering an untreated mental health condition OR be suffering from jealousy, resentment, and spitefulness (unless the person was abused, but that's a whole different thread!)

Yes iam64,you are right about some AC blaming their parents for everything. My own sister cut off the whole family, me included, for about seven/eight years. It was a mental health condition for which she needed a lot of treatment, but to this day she blames mum and complains about our mum. She reeks things up that happened in our childhood, silly things to my mind, and ruminates over them. Anyway I'm not going to go over all that (I could write a book about it) but am just saying that the some adult children don't see their parents as people with all the usual character flaws, and all the wonderful positive characteristics, that go to making up a complete human being. Parents are human, but not always seen to be so by their children who expect them to be super human! In some way these adult children have not really matured, they are stuck in childhood mode, expecting perfection from their parents and punishing them when they find them to be imperfect, as is the human condition.

Please note that I have had a name change, I used to be I**J****

Yes I definitely own up to having played a part in my current situation. But as someone helpfully pointed out earlier, it had been brewing for some years and the final straw was having my birthday ignored (as usual) and it was just one time too many. It's like the scales finally tipped. Although it wasn't me doing the CO, next time he did contact me I didn't reply in my usual friendly way - I snapped at him - and that triggered it. He's not one for having things out, he prefers a slow fester. But then maybe the fester will time out and he might contact me again, who knows. We're probably as bad as each other. Him festering and me just letting stuff mount up till I snap.

There was a trigger for us and that was me getting pregnant.
It got worse the day I gave birth, literally the day I had her ended in an argument.

She had always been 'difficult' but her behaviour ramped up when a grandchild was added to the mix.

Luckylegs rightly says that if there has been abuse, ending contact with the parent who abused you is understandable. I'd add its also wise, if it protects the adult child from further pain and their own children from abuse from their abusive grandparent.
It's also important not to lose sight of the number of posts here from grandparents who, to their knowledge, did not abuse their children. In saying this, of course I exclude physical or sexual abuse, or the kind of deliberate emotional abuse that some children experience. Some adults seem unable to accept that their parents are human, just like them. They blame their parents for everything that has or is going wrong in their lives. They are a small majority of course, all extreme behaviour comes from a minority of people. Many of us know families where 4 of five of the adult children are doing ok with one child in real difficulty but putting responsibility for their difficulties on their parents.

Sorry once again about the typos. Me and Celeb are brilliant at them. Hope you how the gyst.!

Smileless, your sobs have been chatting about their family, that tells you, you and husband are on Es mind. He knows what his wife is like, her having binned her own parents twice, but her husband has no choice really but to go along with it, because not yo would nod his life unbearable and he loves his children, it's a big choice to make, his parents of his family, doesn't make it right by any means, but you can see his dilemma. I personally wouldn't be told by anyone who and who I couldn't speak to, but there lies trouble I suppose, I have always had my own mind regardless. Believe it's what right, not whom, I can't alter that. Speak the truth, shame the devil, not an easy path, most men want
that easier path. I truly believe he will come back to you. You must be feeling a tad vulnerable after your son returning to Australia, in his own way it without a fuss or explanation to you, he built bridges whilst here because he cares for you and his brother.

Smileless it's odd really, because I know there were things I could have sorted out better for my kids, different decisions I could have taken for their welfare. But the things EDS tells people about his grudges against me are not these things but things I don't recognise as having happened. A couple of times I asked him about something that got back to me and he denied saying it so it was impossible to discuss. And one reason he's been giving to other family members who he has (mostly unsuccessfully) been trying to stop from talking to me are that my mother used to try to control people with money (which is true to some extent) and that therefore I can be expected to sooner or later, even though I haven't shown signs of it yet, and therefore I am best avoided. Oddly enough he's doing it with his ex and maintenance payments for their child, yet I am the one he claims might start doing it.

I truly can’t understand why someone who has never suffered the pain of estrangement, feels the need to constantly involve themselves in these type of threads. That said, comments like ”In fact my contribution may be more beneficial as I have been more successful in maintaining relationship with my children and gc“ would seem to be simply to gloat.

I don’t post regularly because, like eddie and Fairydoll I haven’t been cut out of my child’s life. But that just makes me feel even more sadness for those who have.....and bloody lucky!...Rosy.x.

Time will tell Norma and in the meantime we have lives to live and make the best of.

DS told us that he and his brother have talked about their childhoods, the lovely holidays they had and the trouble they'd get themselves into; they've laughed together at the shared memories.

It just doesn't make any sense does it, so that's why we've moved on and are making the best of what's good in our lives.

Bugsy,
There are two sides to every story that is true. But there are also people that do not want to see both sides. To go no contact with your family, not tell them why, refuse to talk and get things out in the open and sorted because it's easier to pretend that family do not exist. I am not talking about abuse that is a different matter altogether, no one excuses that. Tell me Bugsy, as one that has a perfect family situation, although I doubt it, you wouldn't be do interested in this subject the if you had, how would you communicate with someone that refuses? Some p move home without telling you, change phone numbers, stop grandchildren seeing you, how would you manage even an initial meeting? One lady on here has been thrown out of her daughter's home and had all communication binned. How would you sort that? To be so judgemental and condemning of people without walking in their shoes, says more about you.

It has been made clear to me that I know nothing to this topic because my dds are not co to me. It seems as if it may be a painful situation and I can understand that. We all have differing painful situations.

I think Bugsy may be incorrect, to you estranged ladies, on many of her thoughts. But I think she may be correct saying eps and eacs will see different sides to eacs childhood. Not every childhood trauma seems same to parent as to child.

I think Smileless and Celeb (and whomever) are brilliant to put this all behind and move on with a happy full life. I think your gc will seek you out as adults (in a few short years). That is all that seems important.

Bugsy - as you are such an expert on relationships please do tell me how you would tell someone who wants to cut you off "enough is enough, let`s move on etc" if that person refuses to communicate with you in any shape or form
I`m being serious - what would you do? Because the rest of us haven`t managed to do it

Thank you Ingejones, Yogagirl, 123flump and Rosy for your understanding and supportive posts regarding cards. "The act of sending (one) is a deliberate one that conveys a message", that's so true Ingejones.

Mr. S. was upset, nothing was and never will be said. Neither of us would try and make our DS feel guilty about forgetting it was just one of those things. Our lovely girls next door came round with a card (not a father's day one of course) and a small gift for him that day because they knew he'd be thinking about our ES.

Thanks to you all for your lovely posts. It was heart warming to come on this morning and see such kindness and support.