The Brainwashing Behind Going No Contact

Thanks ‘Smileless’.
If the CO was five years ago, it’s hard to figure what NCwN is trying to achieve by insulting EGP’s this far down the line.
Surely he/she should now be living happily estranged from his/her parents?

Learn something everyday.....regarding ‘extended’ and ‘immediate’ family. So now, because I have a DH and AC,
my brothers and sisters have become my ‘extended’ family?
So, did the shift occur when I married, or four years later when I had a child? Whatever the official definition I regard them all as my immediate family. That’s never going to change.

Fairydoll. Whether or not the extended family has a lower priority if of course a matter of opinion. I'm sure that parents who rely on their parents, the GP's , for child care for example wouldn't consider them to be of lower priority.

For many, their partners, children, parents and siblings are of equal importance and value. That was the environment in which our children were raised and I know our DS is grateful for the inclusion and importance of his extended family.

Hi
I’m just coming back to the board at grandsnet after a pretty wicked reply to a post about my son and his evil wife going no contact. It is indeed brainwashing to the largest degree. There are so many daughters in law on here to try to make us all feel guilty for just being loving grands. We just care too much... I guess that’s our problem.... it’s so wrong to be no contact and cut off family... those grandkids will come looking for us one day and we will be here and they can’t be stopped.... warm thoughts to all of you

Looks like we've seen the last of those "pretty wicked replies" Immagamma and the poster who made them.

"There are so many daughters in law on here to try to make us all feel guilty for just being loving grands" and I'd add to that 'and loving mums'.

Warm thoughts 'back at ya'.

agnurse, Brilliant definition of extended family.

I am amazed to see this topic is still going on. With both sides slinging mud. My NPD mother died a year ago. I have used a technique suggested by someone (probably American) but it works. I do not want to go over the little details, I do not want to remember the abuse, I do not want to carry the toxicity (is there such a word?). I have created a mental picture of the mother I would like to have had. A kind, caring mother with honey-coloured hair (don´t know why that, mine always dyed hers jet black), I talk to her about my problems and she always listens and gives advice. It really doesn´t matter how I see her now that she is dead. But I don´t want to wallow is self-pity and go over our past endlessly. I feel that at last I have a mother (albeit deceased) like everyone else.

"I am amazed to see this topic is still going on". It's not going to end while P's and GP's are being cut out of their children's and GC's lives.

I guarantee that if people would respect the person-hood of others, estrangement would disappear. But, as long as our feelings and needs outweigh those of the people we claim to love...estrangement is inevitable...relationship without respect cannot flourish.

I hope that post wasn't only directed at estranged P's and GP's Soontobeagran as it is just as applicable to those who have estranged their P's and their children's GP's.

I agree that relationships "without respect cannot flourish". Relationships where love is claimed but not actually there cannot survive.

@Smileless2012, how interesting that you hope that post wasn't only directed at estranged P's and GP's; like its score keeping or something??

The truth applies. If you don't want to be cut off from people, treat them with the dignity you'd want to be treated with...
And, make sure you listen when you are told you are doing hurtful things and make every effort to change those behaviors.

Relationships are not that hard, though they do require a LOT of work and a LOT of self reflection and a LOT of humility so as to properly show others respect.

Soonrobegran, good point, runs both way.

it may go both ways, but I can only control the way I go, and I want to do everything within my power to make being in relationship with me as rewarding an experience as possible.
whats that saying? Oh yeah, "How you make others feel about themselves says a lot about you".

It is always interesting to see how people read that. They either let it motivate them to do better by others or they read it and it makes them feel like a victim, because of how others make them feel.
The ability to feel empathy, and then act on that will be the telling factor in how healthy a relationship is...and ultimately, how long it will last.

Soontobegran @Smileless2012, how interesting that you hope that post wasn't only directed at estranged P's and GP's; like its score keeping or something??

I don't think that is fair ...on GN there have been posts/threads that suggest NC is "always" the fault of the Parents/GPs and equally there have been threads/posts that suggest NC is "always" the fault of selfish AC! Neither is true ofcourse and I read Smileless post as simply clarifying that point! Not scorekeeping!

We all will read things per our personal experience.
I have yet to see the reality of it always being the Parents/GP fault, but the child who has been left with no choice but to walk away being painted harshly and the Parents/GP as perfectly lovely, and the child treated as if there is something wrong with them for not just being with family that is unhealthy for them.

I realize that there are some adult children who are the problem, but as a mom, no matter what, I can't imagine speaking of my child the way that is typically done when estranged parents talk of this admittedly very sensitive subject. I have a child that was estranged for a time, and I kept my mouth shut, knowing that if he were to return, I wanted it to be as easy a process for him as possible, by not shaming him to any and everyone who would listen.

Soontobeagran

This is likely why things worked out well. Unfortunately, from what I have seen, in many cases the response to a request to "take a break" is frequently "What did I doooo? We can't fix anything by not talking. We need to sit down and discuss this", followed by repeated unwanted contact. I have actually literally seen GP go so far as to contact the police or even social services to do a "welfare check" because they haven't heard from their AC, even though the AC had already requested a break. Sometimes the parent themselves will show up in the doorstep and refuse to leave, and in some cases the police have been called. (One gran I read about actually called the police and tried to abduct her granddaughter because she complained that her son and DIL were withholding access.) You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

If a person says they need a break, they need a break. Continually contacting them is not helpful. It just reinforces the lack of respect for their boundaries and makes them less likely to want to reconnect. But if you simply say, "I understand. When you are ready we will be here. Just let us know", you're more likely to be able to reestablish contact.

Soontobeagran, I sincerely hope that you never do experience the NC and estrangement that others have.
Perhaps you will be lucky as you are so confident, I walked on eggshells and kept my mouth shut, but it did not work in my case. It must be easy to sit and talk with your child, but a letter sent to me & DH, no chance to talk just a do not contact me ever again' request! so we have respected that & hope that one day........... My D has also done the same to her best friends so i can only wait, and I would never ever have dreamt this would happen to us, so you never know.

@linz17 I hope your hurt is lifted soon.

@linz17 "My D has also done the same to her best friends so i can only wait, and I would never ever have dreamt this would happen to us, so you never know."

May I ask you how you know this? That your D has done this also to her best friends?

Soontobegran, Yes of course, she NC'd the first friend soon before she was expecting her son. . H&I were surprised when she told us, as they had been friends for 30plus years. We made no comment, as it was her business. The next friend was about three months later, again we made no comment. Her H was not happy, but again we said nothing, as she must have had her reasons - then after 3 years of babysitting our little GC every day & his time to start school it was our turn! So you see we are estranged from him as well, which causes us great sadness.

I do agree with what you say Agnurse. A lot of people have to have it their way or no way. Mil and Dil are both guilty of it. No one likes to be backed in a corner, sometimes a little space to take the heat out if a situation works. I also know daughters clash with their mothers and they can't do right for doing wrong however they try, once again it's no good keep chipping at it, there comes a time when you just have to say, I've done my best and try to accept the inevitable, which I did, it's not easy but it's not taking up all my time now for sure.

Smileless Whether or not the extended family has a lower priority if of course a matter of opinion. I'm sure that parents who rely on their parents, the GP's , for child care for example wouldn't consider them to be of lower priority.

Well I think GPS who provide childcare are a priority within that context ...but not necessarily in any other context, sadly!

DH & I have accepted the inevitable and have moved on with our lives, however I can still feel empathy for those unlucky enough to have experienced/are experiencing the break up of a relationship. It is now 4 years and we are happily making the most of our lives, it does not mean that we cannot look back with fond memories, and yes, a sadness also.

Linz, exactly the same for me nc and my d, it was the hardest thing I have ever one, I saw it happen to other people in her life and didn't like what I saw, never in a million years did I think it would be me. You are fortunate you still have your husband at your side, in a way though I am glad mine didn't have to go through it. I have to work at not looking back too much, because the gap of the two most important people is hard, and of not looking to the future, just enjoy the day, you just get used to papering over the cracks and making a positive decision not to be broken by it.

Thank you Madgran, yes I was merely clarifying the post and thought it should be clarified in light of some recent and particularly unpleasant posts on this thread, directed at all parents and GP's on the receiving end of estrangement.

linz and Luckylegs. It isn't easy moving on is it. When you begin you feel as if you have a mountain to climb.

I am proud of how far Mr. S. and I have come and I hope you are proud of yourselves too. If you're not, you should be.

I wonder if anyone thinks about how difficult it is for the NC adult child as well? Does it occur that maybe they are also devastated and that maybe some have climbed impossible hills for the whole of their lives?

I just wonder if there is any sense of empathy for them...or is it all for the P's/GP's?