The Brainwashing Behind Going No Contact

celebgran we only ever have one side don't we so Ac92's mother might see it all differently but then the children of grandmothers on here might also tell a different story.

I really think we have to accept that sometimes the parents might be right and sometimes it might be the children. When people say things like none of the grandparents on here are like that they need to realise that we don't know. As an example I know my late MIL would have said she was a wonderful mother, lived for her son, did everything for him and then I know his side that she was controlling, abusive, undermining, racist. I know what I witnessed and I know who I believe. You obviously would have no idea of the truth of it just like her little group of friends didn't and I know the lies they were told as they would phone us and tell us how awful we were, how he didn't see her enough, how ungrateful he was and I was included in that even though I always saw her even when he had to go NC, even though she lied about me and tried to break up our marriage by telling him I was having an affair.

It is complicated and hard for someone outside the relationship to understand.

On my phone should made clear end chose her own dress but asked me go with her and I willingly paid for it she looked beautiful

We were used as a bank I can see that now and one if her reasons (dh found list)against cutting us off was financial
I would never have believed my beloved daughter could be that cold and calculating!

We should have discussed it but were in shock then came cut off letter and threat of police if we contacted her

Ac92 seeing time if your posts winder if was drunken rant?

Its sad from what you say but we don't have your mother's view

Our daughter was driven by us 200 mikes to her chosen uni I went with her by train for interview and we supported her 5 years financially emotionally and every way even after she qualified u gave her my car and we never took any housekeeping money from her.
Does that found like abuse?
My sister said we did too much
Then we we into provide money for house deposit chose and paid for wedding dress

Further support help conceive our first grandaughter the list is endless
We never did half this for her brother but he is our rick now and she has discarded us.
Starlady is correct certainly in our case there was no valid reason but our s I law is major influence
Why we will never know

Ingejones. Yes, that is definitely a new form of parental control. Suffocating. The poor kids are driven from one activity to another. Birthday parties are never a few friends round and a goody bag these days. They have to be a grand event and it often seems to be done to impress the other parents rather than to celebrate the child,s birthday.
Sorry, gone a bit off topic....

Except that I have seen a new form of parental control in recent years. I think it starts with "attachment parenting" and the parent is involved in every aspect of their child's life, arranging activities for almost every waking hour, and leaving them little time to just daydream and think, or find their own friends. I wonder if these children will ever be able to so much as think of not including their parents in every part of their life when they grow up.

AG92 clearly had an extremely difficult upbringing and I can understand her bitterness.

However,Yoga is spot on. NC, in many cases, is initiated by the spouse of the AC for a myriad of reasons - sometimes quite trivial but often triggered by jealousy of their partner’s relationship with his/her parents.

You can always find a reason to go NC with anyone if you choose to do so.

With the example that NC parents are setting their children on how you treat Grandparents if they don't agree with you down to the very letter, then the NC parents should not be surprised if this behaviour revisits them in later years.
Karma

So very sorry Marina Our AC

AG92 grieving is not a mental illness, and none of the GM on here tortured their C, we all loved our C&GC. I never once spanked any of my C and they were brought up with much love & tenderness. I was always there for my 3 children; emotionally, physically & financially. You need to realize that not all estrangements are due to the horrid things your mother did to you. All the GM on here are totally innocent of wrong doing and most estrangements are down to jealousy from their AC's husband/wife/partner.

I'm deeply sorry for what you went through as a child AG92 Your mother didn't deserve a lovely little girl like you, shame you weren't adopted as a baby to a couple that longed for a child, but couldn't have one naturally, then you would have got the love & care you deserved and needed. God Bless

AG92, your mother sounds like a horrible woman who had to have complete control. I'm glad you had the courage to get away from her and live your own life. I hope you have found love and are happy.

None of the regulars here ever "tortured" their children the way your mom did, as far as I know. I'm sure by now, you realize it's not a common thing to make a child "sit for hours in one place" and not move, or to tell a daughter that she can't "look for a good man." Yet, going nc appears to be increasingly common. So it can't always be due to abuse, either physical or emotional.

Back in your day, you could live without No Contact because the only ways that they could contact you were telephone and writing letters.

However, these days, flying monkeys use Facebook, Instagram, texting, Skype, forced video calls, and everything to force more contact whenever someone tries to limit contact. Because of that, No Contact is the only way to live a normal life when your parents are abusive.

If "there is a lot of truth in what she's saying", then you KNOW why she went No Contact. This is the point that AC are making. Parents are pretending that they don't know what happened when they DO know.

Basically, these parents torture children yet, when those children prevail and are successful on their own terms, then they want the credit and want the AC to continue to play the game that nothing is wrong.

Any time that a child goes No Contact, something has seriously gone wrong, even if the parent wants to be sanctimonious and pretend otherwise.

Unless you have been a child with severely dysfunctional parents, you will never understand NC. It is not a new thing. Younger generations just have access to more information about dysfunctional families while older generations just participated in the dysfunction and developed mental illness after mental illness like most of you here are showing.

I was basically trapped by my mother for 30 years due to religious and emotional abuse. Everything was okay as long as I was a mindless child whi didn't move. (Yes, I had to sit for hours as a toddler in one place and not even wiggle or face a swat of my mother's hand). Any small misbehavior could garner a spanking of anywhere from 20 to 40 hits and threats that my crying from the torture must stop immediately at her demand. She would then brag: "I made her turn those tears off like a faucet works."

In my teens, I started to have my own ideas about which classes to take in school. This made her more angry to the point in which she would fabricate reasons to spank me or shove me or punch me. It wasn't until she started to see that I knew this was not normal before she finally stopped the physical abuse.

Afterward, she still controlled everything else by manipulation. She ordered me to not go away to college and to live with her and let her pay for everything. However, when I disagreed with her on any small thing, she would threaten to abandon me and leave me with all of the bills and I would have to drop out if so.

After college, there were the threats that I couldn't date or even attempt to look good for a man. She would throw tantrums at the thought of me moving out or pretend to be sick.

I finally left and went low contact. Yet, now, she treats me like a princess and cries and pretends that she has no idea why I would go low contact.

My AD snubbed me. Didn't send cards etc for me but did for her father. I had bereavement counselling and now I don't care what she does. She can't hurt me now. My DS has 2 children who I don't see. He says he is too busy to visit and we don't have a car. Seen one GC twice in four years and one GC once in a year.

MMT not the same I know but here's a }}}Hug{{{ to try and keep you going for a while. Don't try to understand this, you wont, none of us do! You have a little chink in this estrangement, so just try to keep that intact and maybe your daughter will start to open it, little by little. It's good to open up on here to us that understand the pain, so carry on posting with the purpose of lightening your heart and mind.

I guess it's a kind of intolerance. Some ACs just can't face the fact their parents are not perfect. I wonder how they'd deal with their own kids declaring them toxic for the same reasons - or the opposite reasons, assuming the AC have tried hard to parent the opposite way lol

Sorry for going so quiet on all you lovely ladies that have given me your time and advice. Just been very hard trying to keep myself together at the mo. I just so long for, and miss, my dearest daughter. I love her so much and I just never, ever thought it would end up like this.,I feel writing and trying to explain or discuss the examples she wrote about will serve absolutely no purpose. I think this is what she believes in her own mind. Much is distorted or she doesn’t know the whole story and of course, there is also a lot of truth in what she’s saying. She was, and us, much loved by all the family but she’s cut herself off from us all. I feel she has left her door open a little, despite her strict limitations on what I can say to her. My thoughts are just to keep it short, and more or less light conversation. Probably like talking to someone at a bus stop, I’m so worried that I mess this up and never see her ever again. I don’t understand all this no contact stuff and toxic or narcissistic labels. I neve ever physically abused my daughter, I tried to support her in her choices. Yes I was overprotective at times, but where we lived was rough, I’m still trying to work through this. What really got to me over Christmas and new year was seeing all the other mums and daughters just doing all the things together that I so want to do again with my girl. Just a hug would be enough.

Glad I didnt see it then!?

Nice see you posting smilless ?Even if it's bit sa have u had say goodbye?

Feeling virtuous having been back acquacsie and swam 10 lengths ?.

Sad for my poor son and family got have one their elderly cats put to sleep?They both 13 and rescues cats one got lung cancer so sad.

The post may have had some value to a different point view but the good thoughts were obscured by vile words. It was not pleasant.

I didn't see the posts before they were deleted and I think you're right Yogagirl it's a shame they were because if they were indicative of "the state of some young AC's minds", they may have provided some insight, even if it is a rather frightening one.

If this was a UK poster, then the time may suggest drink!

Your right IngeJones I read it before it was all deleted and decided not to comment. Shame it was all deleted really, as if this is the state of some young AC's minds, it's plain freighting!!

Q111 are you a troll? Your post is completely unsuitable for this public forum.

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