The Brainwashing Behind Going No Contact

My daughter has come back into my life after a 18 year absence. Spent a year being sweet and nice introducing me to her four children who are gorgeous. Now she has me off, because she wants to inherit a third of our estate with her two sisters. She wants proof that this has been done before we resume contact. On the one hand I feel sorry for her, she has no money and no pension arrangement, but I know it's blackmail. Some advice, PLEASE. Every time I think about this I feel like weeping.

I'm so very sorry Dogsjj and this may well be advice you'd rather not receive so I hope it doesn't upset you.

We have been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 6 years. I wanted you to be aware of this so you'll understand where I'm coming from.

It is blackmail, pure and simple and I'm really sorry to be saying this but you can't trust her. She may get confirmation of her inheritance and then still refuse to see you or for you to see your GC.

My advice is this. Tell her you love her and your GC and hope that your relationship with them will continue but your will is your business and you will not be blackmailed.

I know how terrible it is to be denied your adult child and GC but your relationship with them should not be used as a weapon. This isn't a game and the terrible consequences of behaving in this way are all too real, for you and those children.

.

Dogsjj. If any of my daughters said anything like that I would not hesitate and say " if you want a share then start behaving like a daughter" blackmail works both ways.
For me it is unthinkable, it would not happen, all our girls know they are expected to get on with the rest of the family.

Brennan1 That is a generalistic, completely unnecessary and unhelpful post!

I am unsure what your thinking was in posting those comments. You seem to have picked out a few choice phrases ….."generational abuse"; "narcissism"; "Manipulative behaviour"; "Toxic"; "gas lighting" ….and then composed a series of sentences to get them all in! And frankly your "Bye" at the end appears to be deliberately trite, dismissive and makes you look rather silly when posting about such an important subject!

I have no idea what your background story is or why you feel the need to post quite so unpleasantly. However whatever the reason, it would be helpful if you could stop now before yet another thread gets derailed into pointless argument and unpleasantness.

If you have a clear point to make , it is perfectly possible to make it in a more helpful fashion!

I feel so sorry for you Dogsjj. I am very worried and depressed by the behaviour of DD who is very unwell, but caused a major row after we had spent all dayand evening baby sitting. She came home quite ill, and as we were leaving at 11pm to drive the 1 hour journey home, when asked to let me know how she was in the morning, exploded in anger that I should want to know, folllowed by her husband who I thought was going to hit me. I know she is stressed, but we have all been there, and no way would treat our parents like this. In 4 days I have had one word in a text. I feel she is trying to cut us off, except when we are needed. This brain washing of "go no contact" needs to be brought out in the open. Oldest DD shows signs of it, and I hear so much similar from friends. Can the press or Woman's Hour become interested and get it out in the open. There is so much depression and neglect around, it is undermining our society, and ruining lives.

I don't see why parents are being treated so appallingly, by children who were much loved and nurtured.
My children are no angels, but I don't allow them to go 'no contact' ....one of my daughters -in-law would love me to just disappear, but I won't give her that satisfaction. I ring or text every couple of weeks saying that I want to see the grandkids. My son works away ...he is only home for the weekends, so I understand he needs time with his family. He is definitely henpecked because he tells me to arrange visits via his wife, which I do. I tell her I am free all weekend, so she can pick a time for my visit. This way she can't have any excuse. I think I am a bit too accommodating, but if I want to see my son and grandkids, I have to be.

In my earlier post I recounted the no contact situation my sister has with her daughters, her own problems began a generation before. She was as rebellious second child and fell out with dad, there definitely wasn't any kind of abuse, I suspect the reason was, she wanted to go to the local youth club and was banned, resented it and it escalated. Next stage, at 14 she would always hang out with the "bad boys" at school and wanted to hang out at weekends too, again banned. At 16 she did it anyway, a few years later she married one, white wedding and quite quickly emigrated to Australia.

That marriage lasted 3 yrs, no children, no real harm but then she met a much worse "bad boy" had 2 daughters, the abuse in that marriage was bad enough for her husband to get jailed for 5 yrs. Both daughters walked out when they were 16, the elder one quickly found a boyfriend and joined his family - just like that!, and has 2 children which mother has not seen. The younger daughter went wild, slept rough returning home once a week to her "den" in the garage, until she was 19. Then joined the Army!, we were stunned but she got through the discipline and is still serving, having been promoted in the meantime, only after 12 yrs did she contact her mother again.

Both these nieces suffered apalling abuse and I'm sure blamed mother for not protecting them, the emotional bond was broken and both found a new bond, a new family in one case and the army family in the other.
All because of a seemingly trivial event a generation before.

It's a tragic tale David with something of a happy ending in that one of your nieces has made a family of her own and the other has made a new life for herself in the army.

My heart goes out to them all. Abuse is a terrible thing and the scars and memory of it last a life time. As you say, so much pain and heartache that began with a strong willed and rebellious young woman.

I hope that your sister has been able to find some peace in her own life.

David, how sad that siblings turn out so differently, both from a loving home. I hope your sister has found some kind of peace in her life, she has paid a heavy price for her choices. Your nieces must have been so traumatised, in their different ways they have made new lives despite the abuse, good luck to them, they deserve to be happy. I wonder if you can ever truly forget an abusive childhood. I took my happy one as normal, can't imagine how bad it must feel for children living inacdusgunctional, abusive family.

Both girls seem to have put the past behind them in their own way, sister now lives with a decent guy, so she has found some happiness.
My wife was a school friend of my sister and although they were never close, seemed to have a second sense of what was happening 12000 miles away. When our eldest daughter was 12 she warned me to be very careful what I said to our girls it amounted to " Darling, if you have any concerns about their behavior tell me, let me deal with it in my way".
So I did and it turned out good.

I have read number of the comments in the thread and it seems that many assume that parents have a loving relationship with their children who selfishly go no contact (NC).

I am in my forties and discovered the notion of NC only a few months ago. Support forums, therapy and existing literature got me to accept that I was abused as a child and I allowed the abuse to continue on the basis that it came from my family, lead by my mother.

Reading similar stories from others who have experienced the same was validating. Reading accounts from people even in their sixties still trying to heal and hoping for a change in dynamic established in the dysfunctional relationship with a parent was heart breaking. Most hope for love, respect, consideration, absent of abuse and exploitation.

I appreciate that the idea of NC sounds extreme to many, but for number of individuals it is the only option that we have for self preservation; not just a reaction to a disagreement, unless one considers the disagreement being about the compliance of the abused child to his treatment. Most people sharing on the subject struggle to go NC. It is hard to acknowledge that you were abused and to let go of the promise of love that comes with family.

I acknowledge mine is dysfunctional and the underlying tone is a lot of pain. So, No Contact it is.

One does not need to exhibit a personality disorder to have undermined the quality of connection with someone close.
So, for people who experience NC from a loved one and if you are not abusive, maybe identify where the connection was damaged and nurture the aspects of the relationship that promote connection; maybe be see a counsellor?I am sharing ideas that I imagine would show my parent cares and wants to invest in a healthier quality of relation, something I long for and definitely don't want to runaway from...

I understand it's just one point of view, but maybe it can make a positive difference to some of the readers.

Hi Titi thanks for sharing your story. When a child has suffered at the hands of a parent the way you have then of course, non contact is the best, and possibly only way forward.

I do disagree though that there is an assumption in this thread that many parents had good relationships with their children prior to being cut out.

Those of us who are estranged from our AC and in many cases as a result, our GC too, know how things used to be which is why it's so distressing. The shock of suddenly being rejected by the child you once were so close too, and had such a positive relationship with, cannot be truly epressed.

'I am sharing ideas that I imagine would show my parent cares and wants to invest in a healthier quality of relation, something I long for and definitely don't want to runaway from... '

The problem is that some parents are convinced they have done absolutely nothing wrong so won't entertain the idea that just maybe they are to blame or even may of contributed.

There are 2 sides to every story. Well 3 as the saying goes theirs, yours and the truth my MILs side does not match my husband's.

My MILs side is short, it's my fault.

I could write pages on his side and what he's been through.
Her inability to listen is what made my husband stop trying to sort things out. Her 'silly little argument'.. wasn't, it was a big deal for him and us but minimised by her.
Nothing was really done face to face with her and was mainly over text or email all because he was scared of her reaction. A grown man of 30 scared of his mother.

When the 'silly little argument' side was told to FIL he text my husband and told him that he had really upset his mum, broke her heart and was absolutely devastated.
When my husband told his side FIL he texted back 'She didn't tell me that'.
'That' being that I was in labour and we had to cancel the visit and no, he couldn't make any time for her at that time as I was in labour.

Communication is vital as is listening. My MIL blames me so my husband's words fall on deaf ears as nothing could be solved because I'm the problem.

Thank you all so much for this thread. I've not read it all, there are so many posts, but it has given me the reason why my daughter has cut me off and will not tell me why. She has 1 child who will be 4 in February and I haven't seen him since he was 18 months old.
A little background. I left her abusive father after he kicked her in the stomach, he had abused me but up until this incident had never touched her. We have had no contact with him since she was 21 months. I met my husband just before I left her father but there was no crossover in relationships. We have 3 children together and brought my daughter up the same as the other 3 children. She was always aware that her real father existed and chose not to find him as an adult. She also chose not to tell friends and her siblings that she had a different father. She has used this against me saying I was her dirty little secret and I was ashamed of her and that's why no one knew she had a different father, not because we gave her that option and she chose to keep it to herself. Growing up she had everything she needed and wanted, to the point that she was spoiled, all my children were as I had a dreadful childhood and did everything to make sure mine had what I didn't. The very fact that no one knew she was from a different father goes to show she was not treated differently and she herself has said she wasn't. However she has chosen to cut me out of her life, she has gradually cut of the rest of the family too. In fact the only person who she hasn't blocked on all social media is her stepfather, my husband.
So I have been left wondering what I did so wrong. Until reading this thread and googling NO CONTACT. The articles I found could have been written by my daughter, right down to the use of the term, Golden child, which is what she calls her sister, and the fact she has never given me a reason even though I have asked time and time again. She contacted me last Christmas because I asked my husband to contact her and ask for her new address so i could send her and my grandson a gift. She replied by saying she doesn't want any more presents from me because it was difficult to explain to her son who they were from. But said it would be nice for him to have contact with his grandparents. I was a bit baffled, she had turned it around as though it were me who had cut her off.So we set up a time when she would unblock me from social media and we could have a chat. As the time got closer I became more and more nervous and that's when I realised my health issues, that I have been suffering from, were caused by what she has done. I have IBS and anxiety, only surfacing after all the problems between her and the rest of the family. We spoke, well she spoke, on Whatsapp, to dictate terms on how I must behave if I were to have contact with my grandson. I felt like a criminal, having visiting term in a contact centre. I had to be there at a specified time and where she said. At this point I realised it was not going to work unless we talked about the reason for the estrangement in the first place. She refused to discuss it and ended all contact again. She has in the past said that she "is the original and the best" and that "the worse thing I ever did was to have more children after her." She also told my son, her brother, that her partner's family were more closely related to her son than he was because he is only her half brother, what a nasty thing to say to a then, 13 year old child when he was visiting his first nephew for the first time.
I am now, sad to say, content with the arrangement. I have accepted that this is better for me as I can not cope with the stress she has caused and to have her back in my life just would not work. There has been too much damage done and there is no way to mend it.
My other 2 daughters say I am their best friend and can't understand what she has a problem with, I was even at the birth of me second daughters child, such a privilege to have that bond with my second grandson. My son, is devoted to me and really dislikes his elder sister, he's very defensive of me and hates what he's seen me go through. But If I were to point this out to my daughter she would say that's because I have brain washed them. So I can't win. It's a sad day when total strangers can turn family against each other.

A relative newcomer to gransnet.... I am saddened by the stories of difficulties with ACs and their parents.
I have experienced disappointments and hurt with my son. I am working through it and doing the best I can.

I think it probably takes compromise and understanding on both sides.

We are all human. We don’t always get it right.
Our children may not like us and we may not like them!
All our situations are different. There is no one answer.
But having the support on thidps board is wonderful.
Agnurse - you sometimes have some good points ... but people who are hurting need comfort and not lectures and bitter pills to swallow!
I have to say that reading the experiences of others has helped me look at my situation differently. I am going to act differently in the New Year. Start spending the sons inheritance as fast as I can! Lol!

There are indeed two sides to every story. Most people do the best they can bringing up their children. Always exceptions though, we know that by the cases we read in the news of abuse and neglect that often result in a child dying. These are extreme cases and rightly shocks everyone. However, on here the majority of estranged parents have put their children first, a wrong one off comment can result in no contact, a cowardly and cruel act, why not just say what's the problem is. One thing they don't need are judgemental posters accusing them of years of torment and abuse, if that were the case they wouldn't be on here they would have the skin of a rhino and not care. There are lots of dil's who are fabulous, like mine, but I have also known Dil from hell, by their control of their partner destroying that mother son bond. Also mil who are set on making Dil undermined. Daughters who have to be right regardless if they are or not.
There are two posters on this forum who know everything, despite not being in that situation. The sons and daughters of such people must grit their teeth with parents that know the answer to every situation, have an opinion of absolutely everything, regardless of no experience of their subjects.
To those of you estranged, I know the heartache you feel, I hope you can enjoy this Christmas with people that truly care for you. I feel for those alone, whose relationship has broken down with their close families and hope that there can be a reunion because miracles happen every day.
Know I've gone on but I feel for people that come on here for support because they don't need lecturing on how bad they are by those with no knowledge or understanding of the pain they are experiencing. With space can come understanding, I believe in getting on with your life after you have given your best at sorting things out. They know they can contact you at anytime when they want to. ?

I’m sorry your daughter wasn’t brought up the same because if I understand correctly your other 3 children are from your second marriage.

These 3 children didn’t have a father who abused their mother and then kicked them in the stomach.

This isn’t an excuse for her behaviour but she needs to learn that this isn’t an excuse, she does need to seek help to deal with her past. However I do recommend that you look at the evidence of how children are affected by domestic violence, especially in the first few years of life and how this can cause attachment problems.

Also of how she feels knowing that her father was a violent child abusing thug and her jealousy knowing her brothers and sisters have a Dad they can be proud off. It might be an idea if her brothers and sisters are reminded of this too.

Hi everyone,

It is that time of the year families get together. If you are reading and contributing to this thread, I imagine that your experience may not be that picture of a happy family gathering for Christmas.

I shared my story a few days ago and appreciate some of the feedbacks. Telling one’s story and being acknowledged helps very much. Thank you to those who shared their understanding of mine. My account along with others shared on this thread tell me that so many of us have different stories, but one common experience seems to come up: The hurt, anger, sadness of being cutoff from loving reciprocal relationships.

My heart goes to those who share the experience of being alienated by your dear ones. It sucks!

My experience motivated me to look for what promotes connection and restores healthy relationships. I got to acknowledge a few things I did or accepted that had an adverse effect on experiencing healthy relationships with self and others. This has been quite humbling. Maybe you got something else out of your experience, maybe you will, maybe not. Regardless, I wish you to find solace and peace.

All the best!

Luckylegs Nice post! It upsets me too when people looking for support get endlessly told why it is all their fault etc etc! Every story is different. Someone may well feel they have done nothing to cause the situation and they may well be right! Even if they are wrong then unkind, rude, nasty posts will most definitely not help them to re-evaluate their situation. I have no idea why a few posters think that endlessly "telling it how it is"(THEIR version of how it is!!) is going to help, but then I am not sure that helping is what a few posters are aiming for!

I am not estranged but fear it greatly for a number of reasons ...and this time of year is hard I think for everyone in this situation or fearing it!

You are right , miracles can happen!

I realize that many of you feel that you are saddened by not having your grandchildren in your life.

I just happened upon this thread searching for a little positivity in dealing with my heartache and sadness from losing my mother and read your post. I have to say, it did very little to help my heart but I would like to add my thoughts and feelings on this topic.

I can't speak for 'everyone' that is in this unfortunate circumstance.

I think what you all are missing is that there are different levels of narcissists and different types. In truth, we all have some narcissism as a means to survive. However, the type of narcissistic disorder that is toxic and dangerous. The narcissistic portion of this disorder is only but an appendage of another disorder - sometimes a cluster of them. This is not 'typical' narcissism - this is destructive and dangerous.

My mother was abused by her mother when she was younger - that is undisputed. This abuse caused my mother to develop some serious mental illnesses within the 'cluster B' category - which includes malignant narcissism (which is almost always a component).

Enter in 'me' - the child that loved her mother more than anything in this world. Through unspeakable abuse and narcissistic rages, extreme sadism, physical and mental abuse. Yet I loved my mother and continued trying to heal her with love because I believed in this with all my heart. Love can heal all.

My mother destroyed several people in all these years - my father ended up giving up on life - and walking in front of a Mac truck (all because he missed me in his life and my mother destroyed him). My sister has been in one abusive relationship after another and so filled with anger over her childhood that she is rendered non-functioning a lot of the time (she has children herself that have been through much). My stepfather preferred dying alone in the hospital instead of having the one woman he loved with him as it was too painful to have my mother with him in his last moments.

My mother destroys people and almost destroyed me. This is what 'toxic narcissism' does to families and those that love them.

It took me a lifetime to realize that my mother was incapable of loving. Not until she lost everything and I had her come stay with us so she would have a roof over her head, food to eat and love. She couldn't handle seeing the love in our house or my attention to my children. She was very jealous of them and targeted my youngest son saying the most cruel things to him if he was ever alone with her.

When we realized how damaging my mother was to our family, we started the process of finding her an apartment of her own only to be bombarded with phone calls from managers that my mother was telling people we were abusing her so that she could get her apartment sooner and have a two bedroom instead of one bedroom. She alienated me and my family from everyone - afraid that her mask was slipping - that I would tell someone in the family about her rages and hatefulness, cruelty to her grandchildren.

A mother that 'loves' does not do this to their child or anyone. But this is a small glimpse of what a true toxic and malignant narcissist does. They do not feel like other people, in fact, they lack empathy. They are dangerous which is why the psychology field promotes 'no contact' for the victims. Unlike alcoholism or other mental illnesses, there is no known cure or therapy for them. To undo the identity they have created for themselves would be death to them - therefore they would never admit nor get help (which is a large part of why therapy is effective). Since they are incapable of feeling love for others, this is not something that is an incentive for them.

I didn't initiate no contact with my mother. I wanted 5 minutes of her time on Sundays to heal and that is when she cut me out of her life - because that would be death to her.

When people talk about narcissists and no contact on the internet - this is the type of personality disorder they are referring to - not your normal kind of narcissism. This is a very real and dangerous mental illness.

Trust me when I say that I wish every day that I had my mother and that my children had a grandmother that loved them. Some people are just not capable of loving - therefore love is not able to heal. Unfortunately.

Much love to you all - I hope that're able to reunite with your families.

"Whacked their fresh asses"... "self-esteem movement" (as though it is a BAD thing to care about your self?)... and "you're such a lemming". I can see why NC is a matter you are faced with.

Who are you quoting MaryContrary?

@Loveheals-I hear you and can relate

These kind testimonies found on support forums helped a lot, realising that the relationship with my mother was unloving and abusive and others experienced the same
Uttering this was often received with pushback and backlash.

Thank you for sharing. I am grateful for this. Hearing my experience shared by others somehow validated it and was my first step to recovery. It matters.

Sending you warmth and wishing you all the best.

I went No Contact with my mother shortly before she died. Best thing I ever did. Her controlling, judgmental and manipulative behavior was the reason.

I haven’t seen too many here acknowledge THEIR behavior. Things like not treating your Children like adults, dropping in without calling first - sometimes while sick, baby or child hogging, not vaccinating yourself, criticizing constantly. In short Mom/Grans massive senses of entitlement will bring on No Contact.

There’s no reasoning with someone who refuses to examine their own behavior and change it. My mother’s “because I’m the mom/gran” was her excuse for stomping any boundaries I tried to set. She was ALWAYS right and would play martyr if anyone tried to talk to her

I had to cut off siblings and my beloved father as my Mother would use them to get at me. I refused to rug sweep too

In short sweep your own house before you call us a cult. It’s not easy. It’s usually last resort and not for petty reasons.

Love heals, just read your post, it is clear how hard you tried. I am glad you have a loving family of your own that it didn't make you bitter just more determined to give them the love and stability you never had.
Can't say I agree with mumoftwins take on things though. Things are not always do black and white.