About 8 months into our estrangement, our DS told us that ES may be prepared to meet with his dad (Mr. S.) but there was no way he'd agree to include me.
Against our better judgement, Mr. S. eventually managed to arrange a meeting with him. I say eventually, because from the outset it was very clear that our ES wanted total control, not only in deciding where they would meet but how the meeting would go. He was going to talk and
Mr. S. was going to listen.
It took some time for him to accept that yes, his dad would listen but he needed to listen too.
I know what you went through hdh when your DH was with your ES as I went through it as well; never again. It took more than a week for my DH to tell me everything our ES had said. He was trying to keep things from me as some of the false accusations made were deeply upsetting and disturbing.
I instinctively knew Mr. S. was holding back and told him over and over again that I needed to know as the only way I could begin to try and deal with what was happening, was to know exactly what I was dealing with.
His 'memories' were in part events that had happened to his wife during her childhood, adolescence and early adult hood. I knew her mother for several years before they met and was aware of the dysfunctional marriage her parents had; physical and emotional abuse toward one another often driven by excessive alcohol consumption.
The toll that his estrangement from us was taking on our marriage was at that point exacerbated. I was hurt and angry that my DH had sat and listened to his lies; I would have given him a piece of my mind and walked away. Of course, once the initial shock of what had been said had passed, knowing my DH as I do, I was able to understand why he'd handled the meeting the way he had. He too understood my hurt and anger, knowing me as he does, he knew I'd never have sat there and had lies about him spouted with such anger and cruelty.
Despite being aware that his wife's behaviour toward us was changing leading up to the birth of their first child, and changing beyond recognition once our first GC was born, we still didn't see it coming because we never thought such a thing would be possible with our boy who was so loving, kind and gentle and with whom I in particular had always had such a close relationship with.
From time to time our DS asks Mr. S. if he'd think about contacting his brother to see if he would agree to meet up with him. He tells his dad 'someone needs to be the hero'. This is not something he would ever consider doing again.
Mr. S. does not want any kind of relationship with our son and GC if I am to be excluded and we both know of course that it could never work.
Sometime later our ES told his brother it had been a missed opportunity. Mr. S.'s abiding memory of that night is when he was leaving. He turned and looked at our ES who seemed he said, suddenly much smaller. He walked over to him and took hold of his hand but no more words were exchanged.
I believed then, and still believe that he knew he'd gone too far. Things said cannot be unsaid and once heard cannot be unheard.
You and your DH hdh, as we have done and all who have partners to share this pain with, have helped one another through this hell of living bereavement.
We find our strength in one another, knowing that we are truly loved, warts and all becomes so much more important when we've been rejected by our own child.
Having read all of your posts hdh IMO and it is only my opinion, your ES is playing games and the games he's playing could affect your relationship with your DH. Every time he agrees to meet with his father and continues to exclude you, he is twisting the knife that his estrangement from you plunged into your heart.
Please be careful
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