Support for all who are living with estrangement

hugshelp sorry that you're not feeling too well. Knowing that you are with us in spirit says as much, and sometimes more than words ever can.

I don't know if it is ever possible to get over the hurt and the anger, but I can see that perhaps anger may be easier to get over than the hurt Dolcelatte.

This is going to sound silly but try not to think about the hurt and anger. You'll experience those emotions without thinking about if and when you're going to experience them and when you do, think of them as a wave. You can usually see it coming toward you so when it comes, let it wash over you. Accept it, don't try to fight it because you can't and don't try to run away from it because you can't do that either.

It will leave you soaked but unharmed. That's what I used to do and it helped me so maybe it will help you too.

I don't know if you'll ever be able to reconcile with what's already happened, only time will tell and it'll take time for you to get to know your GD and the new baby, time to feel safe with your D and time to get over to a greater or lesser extent, what's happened.

Your DH is right IMO things do seem to be moving in the right direction, your D's irrational behaviour isn't your fault.

What did you see at the cinema? I was thinking I might be able to persuade Mr. S. to go and see 'Downton Abbey' but I don't think my powers of persuasion are that good.

Reading your post Dolcelatte reminded me of the reconciliation with my DD and my conflicted feelings at the time.

I was so torn sometimes in the early days between getting to know them all again and wanting to have my say! Even after all the years we were estranged I seemed unable to let go the feeling of anger that it had all happened in the first place - unnecessarily in my view!

I gave myself a severe talking to many times when I felt overwhelmed with the unfairness of it all until the happiness of the present overtook the misery of the past. You can’t change the past only learn from it.

I know I’m repeating myself here, but your need to be reconciled is greater (or should be for this to work) than your need to be right, or have justice/fairness whatever. Please try and look forward with hopeful heart than look back with a bitter one. X

until the happiness of the present overtook the misery of the past. - that is so wonderful to hear, so happy for you pantglas2

Thank you hugshelp - I’d love that to be the case for everyone going through all this crap!

I can only echo hugshelp's post Pantglas I can't see it ever happening for us but I'm glad it's happened for you and I hope it happens for others.

Never give up hope. Who knows what the future holds for us who are estranged from family we need to keep on loving and hoping. Once again I'd like to say a huge thank you to all for the sensible advice I have read or been give on here. Estrangement is such an emotive subject but until you've walked that path and experience that "living bereavement".as one poster put it you have little knowledge of how it affects you. But. We owe it to ourselves to live our lives as best we can. That's where supportive threads like this are invaluable. Have a good day folks I wish you all peace and joy.

Wishes for peace and joy coming your way too Granniesunite.

Smileless, thank you for your advice about the wave crashing over - that's brilliant and I will definitely try it. You exactly describe how I was feeling but, you are right, it does pass and move away and you dry off - until the next one. Hopefully, the tide is going out!

In fact, I am feeling much better today. I reflected on everything that people on here have said and I also prayed - something which I don't normally do. I also took on board Pantglas's excellent advice about the happiness overtaking the misery of the past and, in particular, the fact that you can't change the past only learn from it. DD clearly regrets not telling us about DGD1 but says I shouldn't think about it. I don't think she realised just how much she hurt us all. I have also tried to see things from her point of view. In my experience, the key to ending resentment is to try to understand where the other person is 'coming from', even if you still take a wholly different view.

Anyway, instead of wallowing, I made myself send her a brief message asking how they all were. I have received two chatty messages in reply since then, and I definitely think she wants to reconcile. I know it will take time, especially with her sisters, but I feel more optimistic. I have also been able to concentrate on reading a book, the first time in a while, and other things, instead of just brooding. I have tried to get things moving in an upward rather than a downward spiral. One sentence which I read in the book I am reading (a novel set in 1970s India) struck a chord and was along the lines of 'you need to embrace change to survive'.

Smileless - 'Downton Abbey' was the film which we saw and I enjoyed it, although DH thought it was a bit 'formulaic'. It was definitely 'feel good' and worth a watch though.

Happy Sunday, everyone.

Wishing peace and joy coming your way Granniesunite, and for all.
That sounds so positive Dolcelatte - it sounds like you are both working through some stuff separately while you wait to meet and that may well make things a fair bit easier when you do.

LC, love your analogy!

hugshelp - sorry you're not feeling well. Hope you tell us otherwise soon.

Dolce, it definitely sounds as if your situation is improving. I don't blame you for not trusting it right away, though, and think it's wise to be a little cautious. I get DD's asking you to forget that she didn't tell you about the older GC, but she needs to realize it's not that easy and is going to take time. Also, I think it's normal to ask why the estrangement happened, but you may have to let that go if you have no clue and DD doesn't say. If she wants you to "forget," then she probably isn't ready to discuss it (too embarrassed or whatever), so, IMO, it's probably better not to mention it to her, anymore, and just vent here. And though I don't have the experience, I imagine it's normal to have a meltdown over this, now and then, and I hope DH understands. However, in the future, do you think you could hold your feelings in till you have time to let them out here or in a journal? Then you could avoid dumping on DH.

It's not mine Starlady, but it definitely reframes your outlook! Things can and will get better. We forget the ups when the downs are happening x

It definitely sounds as if you're handling this situation better than you were Dolcelatte.

As I posted a few days ago, there's a few months until you eventually meet up so plenty of time for those little chats that can mean so much and are so important as you re build your relationship.

I wonder if you're DD does have some understanding at how hurt you are not have been told about your DGD, and that's why she's saying you shouldn't think about it. Perhaps she's finding it difficult to think about it too.

Of course you hope that she'll be able to reconcile with her sisters but try not to focus on that for now. Instead focus on her and your relationship with her.

Oooh I just knew that was the film you'd been to see. Still working on Mr. S. but no worries, I'll get it on DVD when it's released. I'd but it anyway as I have all of the series.

Meant to say I''d buy it anyway.

@hugshelp, Starlady and Smileless. I would like to think that DD1 is working through things, as I am. She certainly seems to be trying to re establish our relationship, and possibly feels guilty, as she is sending frequent texts and regular photos and updates on DGD1. Also a text this morning to say could I speak to the mobile ‘phone company, as her signal is poor. Yes, I continued to pay her phone bill throughout the time of the estrangement, mainly because I always wanted her to be able to get in touch if she needed to, or escape from SIL - not that we knew until recently that he was a SIL

I think that she just wants to pick up from where we left off and avoid talking about it. The nearest explanation she came to was that she was having mental health problems, the same explanation she provided for why she was constantly unhappy and arguing with then BF, especially the occasion when I virtually threw him out as she was sobbing hysterically and had locked herself in the bathroom.

I think the reality is almost certainly that SIL dictates most of her relationships and has told her that she was lucky to marry into her family, but he wasn’t so lucky. In my defence, I should say that we have always made all of our DD’s friends, including BFs, very welcome and they have all liked us - I mean really liked us - but clearly he is the exception.

SIL told DD, as she informed me in one of the last times I saw her before she cut us off - that he had decided he didn’t want to see any of the family again. This meant she couldn’t see us because they only do things together. I said how does that work, what if you get married, won’t we be invited? She looked confused and upset and said ‘I don’t know, mum’.

In a way, to admit she was wrong, is to say that SIL was wrong and I can see that would be very hard if not impossible for her to do. He is her DH and father of her DC and I must say she seems very happy.

One piece of advice a good friend gave - and which I think is totally right - you need to be there for DD if it goes wrong. And that is what I intend to do. One step at a time, let the waves crash over, as Smileless so eloquently put it, and put on my wet suit!

Thank you so much for listening everyone and for encouraging me to cope. GN has been a lifeline over these last couple of weeks, but I do feel that I have been monopolising this thread a bit, for which I apologise.

I think you might be right Dolcelatte in that her dwelling on what went wrong might mean her unpicking things within her marriage that she doesn't want to look at. Or maybe not too quickly. Maybe they have or are working through their difficulties, but she doesn't want to air them with anyone else. Maybe she's found new ways to handle him but doesn't want to rub it in and loose the ground she has made. Maybe she has decided she can live with his faults because other things about him make her happy, and only she can decide that. And maybe she's on a journey that could have any kind of ending with regards to her marriage, but wants her mum back in her world while she travels it. No better time then than to be back in her world.

You continuing to quietly pay for her phone for the day she might get back in touch is so kind and seems to have been very wise. You've remained there in the background and now she's letting you slowly back in. I think that's just wonderful.

I really do feel hopeful for you all, everything you post feels like another step forwards. xx

Maybe she is dealing with other issues and needs you to be her safe place right now Dolcelatte. I know with my children my needs and issues are kept away from them so that theirs are met, so I am glad you have good support here

I don't think that you are monopolising this thread, Dolcelatte, but seeking and providing understanding, inspiration and support. This is making appropriate and good use of the thread, don't you agree? May your situation continue to improve and your sorrow ease.

Here, here Cherries. Really Dolcelatte as if you're monopolising this thread when you are as Cherries has said "making appropriate and good use of it". If only all the estrangement threads worked as well.

It was lovely to read your post today D. You're making great strides in your understanding of your own emotions and understanding your D's relationship with her H, and how that has impacted on all of you.

I hope you don't mind my saying so, but I'm really proud of you.

Great post hugshelp

Thank you everyone, as ever, for your wonderful support. You are actually making me feel quite tearful. I am not feeling too bad today but also not too good, if that makes sense, but will be posting again soon. I just feel quite drained by it all, but didn't want to not say thank you.

It makes perfect sense Dolcelatte. Post when you're ready, we are here for you ready and waiting. x

Thanks Smileless, I appreciate that. In the midst of a wave at the moment but am following your advice

It will pass Dolcelatte, wash over you and you'll be OK.

She sent me another friendly message last night and I feel too paralysed by hurt and pain to reply, but I don’t want her to think that I am ignoring her.

Fortunately DH generally goes for a long walk every morning, so I am determined to use that time as a private space for my thoughts and pin a smile on when he gets back. I believe that I have been too self absorbed in my own pain and not sufficiently mindful of other family members’ pain. DH has suffered so much too, but he does not express his emotions in the same way, although I know they are deeply felt (probably because he went to boarding school at an early age). But I think of his sad face when he called her and emailed and texted her all those times and his sad face when she didn’t respond and it makes me feel angry. To ‘ghost’ someone is such a cruel and cowardly way to behave. If she had said that she wanted some time away from us, we would have respected it, even if we were hurt. But to just block your parents when you have just told them that you love them..... I guess that I should just accept what DH and DD2 day, that it is pointless to look for a reason, but it just ‘does my head in’ as the saying goes.

Perhaps just a short reply Dolcelatte if you haven't replied already, but you probably have.

We do need, I think, to be mindful of the affect that our AC's estrangement has had on all family members who have been hurt, but we must also be mindful of our own, and not feel guilty for feeling the way we do.

I remember putting my arms around Mr. S. while he sobbed, not just cried but sobbed for so long after our estrangement. There have been and occasionally still are times (I don't think about it as much as I used too) when I am more angry with our ES for what he's done to his father.

I think of my m.i.l. denied 2 of her GGC and my mum, denied her only GGC and how she still lives a few doors away, and can hear her GGC playing in the back garden of her next door neighbour during the summer.

You are mindful of how other family members have suffered Dolcelatte. Your post talks as much of your DH's pain as it does your own. xx

Maybe you should jot down two replies, the one you feel like sending (for your own need to express the hurt) that you won't send, and one which will keep you on the path for reconciliation. Maybe you can think of the reply you do send as the the reply to the daughter who had heard your pain and you've worked past that. Because hopefully one day when bridges are rebuilt you will have the chance to gently say how much it hurt and she will be ready one day to acknowledge that. Until then, I'm sure you and DH give each other huge comfort.

I don't know it that's rubbish, or if I've expressed it how I meant, but with you in spirit.