Denied contact with grandchildren

Starlady, I would never barge in anywhere, I would however, if a phone call or email didn't work, walk the 30 feet and then say we need to talk about the fact that we live in such close proximity and you as you have decided to sever contact , the situation needs sorting sooner rather than later it isn't viable, so confusing to the grandchildren, it's not their problem.
I gather that as you have such a knowledge of estrangement, that you are either still estranged or possibly reconciled with your family. All situations are different, but in this case living in each other's pockets almost, it is particularly hard. I have read how hard it was for Smileless, she more than anyone knows the pain of living so close to her son and family and the upset when they passed close by.mimagine if they are just feet away.

My fear is that just barging over there, even if she knocks, would only end up in a huge row. Very likely, Deb would be screamed at before she even had a chance to get a word in.

"If they have asked for space, she needs to give it to them. Forcing a discussion before they are ready is likely to make the estrangement worse."

Agreed.

"Asking for space and then turning up at her parent's door with a fathers day gift is game playing."

Agreed also. Or, at best, it's sending mixed messages. If D doesn't want her parents showing up at her door unannounced, IMO, she shouldn't show up at theirs unannounced either.

But D probably won't/doesn't see that. So I would just leave things alone for a while and give her time to chill out.

I agree that to enter the house without an invitation would be inappropriate but "incredibly disrespectfulit's the OP's D who is being disrespectful.

Asking for space and then turning up at her parent's door with a fathers day gift is game playing.

I'm glad your DH responded in the way he did, making his point in the calmest way possible. I hope he's feeling a little better. This is very distressing for you both; I'm so sorry.

Peonyrose

I would not recommend a face-to-face sitdown in that manner, for several reasons.

1. It's incredibly disrespectful. It is quite possible that in OP's jurisdiction she could even be charged with trespassing if she just enters their home unannounced. She can't treat them as naughty children. They are adults.

2. Sitdowns of this sort are almost guaranteed not to work. 99.9% of such sitdowns I have heard of ended badly.

If they have asked for space, she needs to give it to them. Forcing a discussion before they are ready is likely to make the estrangement worse.

I do agree that it would be helpful for her to get legal advice. If she and her husband no longer want to have them living on their property, that is reasonable.

Yes, peonyrose completely agree with you. Good advice.

How dare she!! I would have been soooo angry DH would have needed to sit on me!

Personally, I wouldn't be playing her games anymore. Compose yourself, knock the door and go in, say you need to speak about the impossible situation they have put you and your husband in. They know how much you love them all and the very close bond you gave with gc, if they have a problem with that then tell us the new rules and you will reduce contact. If they do not want to be fair in any way and wish things remain as they are, say that is not an option, you don't intend to life your life with your own family 30 feet away ignoring you. I would consult a solicitor and see what you can legally do. Then do it. They have shown what they are capable if, using their own children do cruelly to hurt you. It's horrible bring estranged, but you sat wait all your life in case they might, just might extend an olive branch, they rarely do, but I can tell you from personal experience the hurt and the upset they cause never goes when you do reconnect, some thing that was prescious has been lost and never replaced, the trust has gone, the reality that they could ever do such a thing and they could again never keaves you.

Yes, I agree with Pam and Deb. A Fathers Day gift alone is not a big enough attempt at reconciliation. (I wondered if the gift had been accepted would your daughter have asked her Dad to do the school run on Monday morning!!) They need to initiate a conversation with you both and if they do I really, really hope they'll treat you with the respect that you deserve.

Thanks everyone.
Husband couldn’t believe she thought it was ok to say happy Father’s Day at the same time as denying us access to the kids.how could he possibly be happy in that situation?
He is really upset too. In 50 years I’ve never seen him as upset as he is now. How could she not see That?

Deb, I agree w/ Pam, that your D may be trying to show that she is not angry w/ him, only you (sigh). In fact, D may think it wouldn't be fair to deny her dad a gift when she isn't upset w/ him.

However, I also agree w/ Pam that D needs to realize that you and DH are a team, just as she and SIL are. He's going to stand by you, just as she would want SIL to stand by her. Clearly, if she wants to maintain her relationship w/ him, she's going to have to resolve things w/ you.

Lesley60

Trying to see your GC behind their parents' backs is not okay. It teaches the kids that they don't have to listen to their parents and also teaches them that secrets are okay. This can predispose them to becoming abuse victims - not by you, of course, but by someone else.

You could potentially have gotten into very serious trouble.

Lesley
Did you find a way to manage your volatile daughter...if so what's your secret?

I can understand and sympathise with you as my 44 yr old daughter is very volatile and even though I did loads and gave loads when her children were small whenever she argued with me I wouldn’t see the children, so what I started doing was going to the school to see them over the gate at play time.
I would take a photo of them with me to show who I was incase anyone thought I was an oddball.
She soon come around when she missed everything she had from me.
Something I thought of in your case is if you sold them the land their house is built on ie is it freehold or Leasehold.

She may be trying to show that it's not her dad she's fallen out with, just you. If so, she's missing the biggest thing ever ..... you are a married couple and just like her and her husband you are a team who support each other. She can't isolate you from everyone, she can't control what everyone thinks of the situation you can only fool all of the people some of the time. Well done that man for being so loyal and in such a calm way .

Her!! Not you!
I think you and your DH have behaved like saints!

Attentions seeking

Guilt

No! What is going on in her head?

He put the gift outside there door when he recovered.

Daughter saw us working outside this morning Pushed kids into the house ignoring us both..
THEN....
Knocks on our door. husband answers it. Happy Father’s Day she says and holds out a gift. He just stood there She puts it on the floor and walks off.
Later today ignores us both again pushing kids inside away from us
Can anyone explain this to me?

Well said Pam.

Thank you for your kind comments on my message, I'm still a bit unsure about expressing my opinions on GN so it's reassuring.

There's a lot of advice for you and your hubby Debcz, lots to talk and think over before you feel happier. If it's helps, I'd advise emotionally seperating yourselves, I don't mean disown their family, I mean imagine they are just some people you use to know and no longer get along with.
It's not a permanent mindset but it can be helpful whilst you are in such a whirlpool of emotions with thoughts wizzing around preventing a solution.
Your daughter is not the young woman who grew up with you anymore and the changes have snuck in without you noticing.
I'm sure if her work colleagues, friends and yourself were to write a description of her you would get 3 totally different pictures of the woman she now is. This does not mean she is being devious but just that different environments shape us, you just haven't fully absorbed the newer version of her.
It's not all one sided though Debcz, she hasn't noticed the woman you are either, you've invested so much into her success , her family and her life style. I'd assume you've always been a caring, nurturing, intelligent, hard working woman just from assuming things from your op. You still are, so use all of that and apply that energy into you and your hubby for a while, leave them be and let them stand on their own 2 well cushioned feet from now on.

I don't you're over thinking either, Debcz. IMO, you're right on the money. Iv heard and seen this before, parents leaving their kids w/ GPs a lot and then being upset when they realize how close the GPs and GC have become - and trying to break those ties. Iv even seem it in my own family. And yes, Iv seen this happen very abruptly. They don't think of how it's hurting the kids, I imagine, b/c they play down in their minds how much it means to them (the kids). I'm sorry, but I think that's what's happening here. Hugs!

Friends of mine let his daughter and husband renovate a cottage attached to their farm with use of stables and fields for her horse.
Down the line my friend and her step daughter totally fell out and stopped speaking for years.
Fine until the step daughter wanted to sell up and make a huge profit on the property. They had no official rights to the water supply, the septic tank or access to the property.
They were made to pay a lot of money from the sale of the cottage to buy these rights before they could put the cottage on the market and were lucky, as if my friend had refused to sell the rights, their cottage would have been worthless.
It just brought it to mind when you mentioned the bore hole and septic tank Debcz.

I don't you're over thinking Debcz I think it's good that you are casting an analytical eye over past events and seeing that the current situation isn't because of anything you have done.

It doesn't help to resolve it but does stop you from being over whelmed by guilt which feeling you are to blame brings, especially as a little boy is caught in the middle of it
all.

We lived 15 doors away from our ES for 4 years and it was unbearable. It may not be possible at this time in your lives to move away but if this situation continues, and moving is an option if they don't, it is worth considering.

We moved 2.5 years ago, just an hour's drive away and it was the best thing we could have done.