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Denied contact with grandchildren

(194 Posts)
Debcz Fri 07-Jun-19 13:55:38

After deciding they would like to convert a barn on our farm my daughter and her husband sold their house and moved in with us. They stayed for 2 years,living rent free. Their second son was born whilst they lived with us and we have undertaken a large amount of child care. They moved out in January, into the barn across the yard from us but still expected regular support with childcare including the children staying with us for 2 nights whilst they attended his mother’s funeral in Durham last month. Just before whit when dropping my grandson at school as usual the head invited me to watch his class play rehearsal.
Because I did my daughter and her husband have stopped all contact with the children saying that it was disrespectful of me to attend without seeking their permission. I’m at my wits end trying to understand this. Can anyone help me to do so?

fizzers Fri 07-Jun-19 14:00:39

wow, am speechless! you've done all that for them and then they go and do something like this? how ungrateful. I'd be sorely tempted to withdraw all support

Smileless2012 Fri 07-Jun-19 14:10:24

Hi Debcz I wish I could help you to understand but after being estranged from our son for 6.5 years, and despite posting about this issue here on GN for 6 years, I am really know closer to understanding why some adult children behave in this way.

Of course they're being totally unreasonable as you didn't need their permission. Presumably the head knows you as you're regularly at the school to drop off and collect him which they've given you permission to do.

It is your D and s.i.l. who are being not just disrespectful but unbelievably cruel in now saying you cannot see your GC.

In your situation I would take the bull by the horns. I am not suggesting this is what you should do; this is what I would do.

Who owns the barn? You say "they" wanted to convert it and this has been done but who paid for the conversion and who owns the barn?

If this were me and I still owned the barn, I would tell them that having them living across the yard while denying me contact with my GC is unacceptable and they'll have to leave.

We spent 4 years living 15 doors away from our ES, his wife and our only GC. It was hell which was why we left our home of 28 years plus, to get away.

If they refuse to allow you any contact with your GC sadly there's nothing you can do but what you may be able, and may choose to do is to rid yourself of some of your pain and anguish by not having them live across the yard from you.

crazyH Fri 07-Jun-19 14:11:30

Gosh, how awfully mean and ungrateful. I can't see you did anything wrong.....just watching the little one at rehearsals. I bet your GS was so pleased that his Nan stayed to watch him. I don't know why Grandparents are treated so appalling, and we are expected to take it on the chin only because, we don't want to lose complete contact. And yet here you in that position, for such an appallingly petty reason.
Meanwhile, I hope they will see the error their ways and get back in touch. They always do, because, they need our help. Good luck and stay calm xx

Debcz Fri 07-Jun-19 14:12:12

They’ve stopped me taking Freddie to school and drag the kids away if they see me outside. Freddie tried to talk to me out of the car window as his dad took him to school yesterday but was stopped from doing so by the window being wound up.
Before we moved to Devon I would regularly drive from Derbyshire to care for Freddie if he was ill. I did it weekly when their was no nursery place for him.
Think I’ve been a mug.

Debcz Fri 07-Jun-19 14:19:16

Being idiots we let them buy the barn for a token amount. Thought we were helping them. Stupid weren’t we?

sodapop Fri 07-Jun-19 14:22:29

What on earth is going on Debcz I can't believe this drastic reaction is just about the play rehearsal. Is there anything else going on with them ?
I would let things settle down for a while then try and have an adult conversation about the problems. Sharper than a serpent's tooth etc springs to mind. Try not to worry too much, you may be able to resolve things before too long.

Smileless2012 Fri 07-Jun-19 14:30:13

Your poor GC Debczsad. It's not just the P's/GP's who pay the price of such cruel and unreasonable behaviour, the GC pay a high price too.

Debcz Fri 07-Jun-19 14:38:55

My husband thinks they are looking for an excuse to sell and make a profit. My son in law is a land developer.

Debcz Fri 07-Jun-19 14:44:44

I just don’t understand why my daughter might go along with it.

Debcz Fri 07-Jun-19 14:48:44

Attending the rehearsal without their permission was all I was accused of. I know of nothing else. That’s why I am at such a loss to understand it.

Debcz Fri 07-Jun-19 14:53:40

We got very close to the kids whilst they lived here. Freddie would ask for me to put him to bed most nights. I did always ask if mummy or daddy could do it but he wanted grandma. Could it be based on jealousy? But they moved out in January and this hasn’t happened since.

agnurse Fri 07-Jun-19 14:54:29

I think they're being unreasonable.

That said, they do have the right to decide they don't want a relationship with you.

I'd suggest maybe sending one note, simply saying that you are open to discussing this if they would like, and the door is always open. This note should not include any statements about missing your GC, how awful it is, how much you've done for them, etc. The goal is to keep it as neutral as possible so they understand you're open to reconciliation, but they don't see this as emotional blackmail.

After that, if you get no response, I'd suggest just waiting. If you try to see them or the children, you could well drive them further away.

Smileless2012 Fri 07-Jun-19 14:56:54

It could be about jealousy. Our ES's wife was always jealous of my relationship with our son, she even told me so but said she'd got over ithmm. Apparently not.

Debcz Fri 07-Jun-19 14:57:47

A little difficult to avoid them as they live 30 feet away and we have to be out and about on the farm daily.

Nonnie Fri 07-Jun-19 15:53:31

Was the rehearsal straight away after the head spoke to you or was it at a different time?

Debcz Fri 07-Jun-19 16:08:37

The following morning at 9.30. Why?

knickas63 Fri 07-Jun-19 16:31:33

Hi Debcz. You probably should have tld them that night that the head had invited you to the rehearsal. However - way over the top. I suspect your husband is right. Can you talk to your daughter on your own? Ifeel terrible for your DGC. Also - if it goes on - speak to a solicitor about the legality of them selling. If they try to sell, you could argue that they bought if from you under false pretences - but that should be a lst resort.

Debcz Fri 07-Jun-19 16:44:21

Daughter worked until 10 pm. Was busy and didn't really think it was a big deal. But maybe you are right

Namsnanny Fri 07-Jun-19 16:53:31

Debcz...oh dear! I feel so sorry for you.
Lots of times these things happen because of the partners influence.
You might be right about looking for an excuse to sell for a profit.
Or/and the jealousy. It’s hard for parents to swallow the fact that their children love their gp.
Don’t think of yourself as being gullible (I wish I could take my own advice! ☹️) you did what most of us have or would our children as much as we can!!
Wishing you all the luck in the world and hoping things turn out better than expected shamrockshamrock

Greta8 Fri 07-Jun-19 17:02:22

I think there's more going on here than the (non) issue of you watching your grandchild at the school play rehearsal. It seems too much of a coincidence that they have now got a valuable property thanks to you and your husband. Something similar happened in our extended family - a farmhouse renovated for them, living rent free and they have exploited the situation, even to the extent of them expecting their bills to be paid out of farm income. So hurtful for you - I hope you can resolve the situation. I imagine your daughter must be torn between her husband and you, her parents. Hard as it is, maybe try to let matters lie for now, which may defuse the situation. Do you consider your son-in-law to be a controlling man - that may be a big part of the problem here. So cruel to take it out on the children, though.

Bibbity Fri 07-Jun-19 17:10:31

I’m so sorry Op some people have no shame.

March Fri 07-Jun-19 17:42:18

It seems too much of a coincidence that they have now got a valuable property thanks to you and your husband.

I was going to say the same thing!
After everything you have done for both of them to fall out over a seeing a rehersal for a play is ridiculous.

Be prepared for the house going up for sale!

Septimia Fri 07-Jun-19 17:51:50

I'm sorry about your situation as I know I'd be devastated not to spend time with my GD. Being upset about you going to the rehearsal seems very petty to me - better if they'd had a row with you about it and cleared the air.

With regard to the house being sold, my first thought was whether they have right of way over your land to access it. If they do, they might have problems selling it......

Septimia Fri 07-Jun-19 17:53:41

Sorry, to clarify - if access to the barn is over your land and there isn't a legal agreement to that, then it's something that would have to be sorted out before the house could be sold.