Denied contact with grandchildren

debcz

Totally dreadful- I don’t know why your daughter would be like this. Is she well? It just seems all so over the top. As for the school run let them do it then. I sincerely hope this all sorts its self out as it must be horrible and totally draining. Shameful behaviour from them. ?

Debcz, my heart goes out to you! How can a D be so callous towards a M? And how can parents be so insensitive to the feelings of their own children? How can they teat kids away from GPs that they love and that have been a big part of their lives? How can they tell kids that someone they love is a "nasty person?" I don't get it.

I agree that there is more going on here than the rehearsal issue. And for a D to laugh at her M's pain? Well.. I imagine this is about more than wanting to sell property, also. I suspect there is an ongoing issue between you and D, unforutnately, even if you don't realize it. Maybe she didn't feel she could react to it too much while they lived on your property, but now that they moved, she may feel she can. Or perhaps the rehearsal incident was the proverbial "last straw" to whatever overall issue is. Did SIL give you any clue to what that larger issue might be when he told you why he was taking Freddie away from you?

He did let you know what you can do to regain access to your GC - apologize. The question is, for what? For going to the rehearsal w/o letting them know/giving them a chance to ask you not to? That's easy enough to do, IMO. Or for "sneaking in?" That would be harder, I imagine, since that's not what happened. I think it's worth apologizing for going w/o discussing it w/ them first, as it involves their children. But that's as far as I would go.

You may be afraid the same thing could happen again if you do something D doesn't like. But IMO, maintaining you relationship w/ your GC makes it worth a try. If it becomes a repeat pattern, you can rethink.... Just my opinion...

Debcz

Read your update with astonishment, this is so horrible for you

I can’t imagine how you are feeling, and I really don’t know what to suggest, but please know I’m thinking about you

Debcz....I just don’t know what to say!!!
I’ve had such similar things happen to me...especially the laughing!!
I do empathise. One thing I do is try not to give them any amunituon, as I feel they (in my case) are desperate to lay all the blame at my door.
I can’t say I’m successful because I have told it as I see it, but I’m 6 years down the road towards complete separation, and have given up on rectifying the situation with my ac. So I try to let the hurt go and concentrate on trying to be whiter than white so I can see gc.
It’s hard and I long for the life I worked towards but as I said there is practically no chance of that happening.
If there is anything i can do to help be sure I would like to

As to the school run... she is never letting me do it again. She seemed to consider it as a privilege that could be taken away.
We were doing it to help as S-i-l otherwise has to drop one at school and the other at nursery 20 miles away before work.

I thought I knew her....now I don’t know.. how does it go from “mum can I send the boys over.......mum have you done your jobs as they want to come over .....can you have them for a couple of nights” to “you will have nothing to do with them” over watching a school play, in a matter of days?
She was vicious too. It was like an encounter with the school bully when you are a small child.

I think I’m just in shock.

I'm so sorry to hear this Debcz. I sincerely hope you can resolve the situation, it's very hard to understand your daughter's attitude. Could her laughing actually be covering embarrassment and guilt maybe? You know your girl, if it's out of character then there must be something else going on?

Debczhow terribly upsetting for you, I'm really sorry.

As Joyfulnanna has said, at least you have made contact. As hard as it will be to do so, could you adopt an outward more casual and laid back approach to seeing your GC? If your D finds the hurt you're experiencing amusing, it may be better if you keep your pain hidden, from her at least.

Oh Debz that's hard to hear but at least you know the truth. I'm still hopeful for you as at least you made contact. Can she make an exception this time and allow you to show that you'll be more mindful in the future or has she told you to back off entirely? Did she talk about the GC seeing you?

The very sad truth of this situation became very clear yesterday.
My daughter is the driving force behind all this.
She has very obviously wound her husband up into doing this.
She laughed at my being upset.
I’m devastated.

Good luck OP. I hope you’re daughter resolves this.

Yes let us know how it goes. Keep yourself calm, try a few deep breaths beforehand. Best of luck!

Debcz personally after reading of the controlling behaviour demonstrated by your SiL I wouldn't speak to your DD alone. She doesn't seem to have stood up for you, her Mum, and I can almost guarantee that things will only get worse when he finds out you have spoken to your DD alone (or tried to speak to her, she may not agree).
Awkward, difficult and unnecessary but speak to them together is my advice.
From bitter personal experience, like so many others, sadly I know what it's like to be cut out. I wish you luck and send my best wishes to you

I decided yesterday that I would try to talk to my daughter on her own in the hope of moving the situation forward. As she works unpredictable hours the first chance I will get will be tomorrow morning when she will be at home and SIL should be at work.
I’m going to send her a text asking to talk. I’ll let you know if she will.
I think you may be right about the need for bereavement counciling.

I have been following your story to learn that both your daughter and son-in-law have "blanked you" and your son-in-law was extremely rude to say that you are "a nasty person" and in front of your GS too. Now SIL expects you to apologize before you can have contact with your GS again... You are not his whipping boy. You are his MIL and deserve some respect.
I think it would be unwise to resume the school run and to undertake child minding until this very upsetting situation is resolved.
As other posters have said I wonder if you and your husband can talk to your daughter on her own initially. I would tell her your SIL seems very angry and has been unkind to you and ask her if this results from his being bereaved and take it from there. It may transpire that the couple are in need of some counselling ( if your daughter says her husband is controlling), or your SIL needs bereavement counselling or you all need some family counselling together.
Meantime you need to take good care of yourself.

Your son in law sounds horrible, what I don’t understand, is why your daughter is allowing this to happen, it’s not only distressing for you and your husband, it’s so cruel to your little grandson. Why can’t she stand up to him, has he always controlled her in this way?

So he's alreadt realised how much your GS misses you and wants to put you in your place by telling you to apologise, yes he's controlling. He tells your gs that you're nasty, yes he's abusive. At least you know what you're dealing with.. I think you could apologise on this occasion. You don't want to lose contact with your gs. Be the better person.

yesterday I heard my s-i-l telling my grandson that I am a nasty person. I immediately responded by saying that it wasn’t a kind thing to do. Grandson said “daddy says that lots.”
S-i-l then tells me I can have contact with the kids again once I apologise
I am finding it hard to accept that he is so happy to use the children as bargaining chips.
No doubt if I did apologise the next time I did something that wasn’t to his liking he would withdraw contact again.
There are some very unpleasant people in the world.
My heart goes out to all those who are suffering from the same situation, from what can only be described as abusive relationships.

I think your son in law and daughter are losing the plot!

Shows how often they do the school run , if they think anyone could possibly sneak into a school these days!

You could get someone round to value the farm because you're 'thinking' about future retirement options, as stevenk has posted, that would give them food for thought.

Oh yeah I think the sil is the real greedy one here. GP's are forever, husband come and go, as do wife's these days.

I think your husbands right. I presume you own the farm or are still paying it off. I would put a For sale sing up on your property. Your sil will no doubt get your daughter to question you. Tell them that you intend to retire if you get enough for the farm and enjoy what's left of your life. That will put the cat among the you know what. They think only of themselves and what you can do for them. This is what they see $$$$$ if visions of that fade, you will see a difference in attitude. Change your will and leave all to the GC but don't tell them. They will worry about loosing their baby sitters too.

First of all Debz, join the club.. There are lots of estranged gp on here who have been suddenly cut off for the most petty of reasons. They are despicable for doing that to you and your DH. It's not acceptable..and very hard to understand.. But the snowflake generation are alive and thriving absolutely everywhere. Manipulative, greedy, selfish, jealous, insecure bunch of twats that we have to deal with when all we give is our love and care. It never ends well to give to our AC... and so strange how we end up walking on eggshells, trying to figure out whats in their heads while they use and abuse our good nature. I can guess that they have always been nasty in private about you and your DH and just waiting for a chance to cut you off.. If you can stomach going to say your sorry, just for the sake of seeing your lovely GC again, do it.. Then retreat and give them a couple of months to themselves.. Its a hard and long wait, but hopefully they will think a bit while the dust settles and reestablish contact with you.

I don't understand why they didn't believe you when you told them the Head had invited you.

I know you can't sneak into a school. My husband suggested they ask the head. They refused.