Girlfriend staying in the car 'with the dogs'

Thank you for all of your kind comments and support.

BazingaGranny, he was my husband's dog, and is bossy. If I locked him in a bedroom he'd be scratching at the door and barking. I can't lock him in the garden either, especially with the grass seeds out there at the moment - more weeding waiting for me. I have to put him in the car when I hoover as he tries to kill it. Since my husband died I have spoilt him. I am very glad to have him as I am nervous at night here.

I think my grief is making me overreact to everything, yesterday's incident was ridiculous really and I am glad my son accepted my apology. It's year three now and the reality of being alone really frightens me. I am also feeling very stressed with having my house on the market as I don't know where to move to. I wasn't feeling 100% yesterday either as I'd overdone it lugging huge branches around the day before.

None of this would have happened if I'd put my dog in the car, I always do when I have had to viewings, and he's perfectly happy. I can't understand why I didn't.

Lesson learnt, bright and breezy next time!

maybe she thought the dogs were be a bit too boisterious especially as you were feeling unwell ,and decided to stay in the car with the dogs.as you have a dog too ,maybe she was unsure how her dogs would behave. i think she was right to stay in the car. after all it was your sons birthday not hers. dont let this get to you.. they had plans for the day anyway.

PS are you letting your Sheltie rule the roost? We have a similar sized dog who can be bossy (!) but on an occasion like this, I would have left him with a neighbour or in the bedroom. He would be perfectly safe in either place while your son, his girlfriend and her/their dogs came in for a birthday lunch or tea.

Sorry to focus on the dog/dogs but your son and his long term girlfriend are more important than the slightly hurt feelings (very temporary!) of a little dog, no matter how much doggie is loved.

I’m sure that it will all work out well ?✅

Please, PLEASE - don’t leave dogs tied up in the front garden or left in cars. Dogs are stolen from such places and nothing good happens to dogs who are stolen.

I can’t understand anyone wanting to do this - and unless you live in a single roomed studio, there’s no reason not to take the dog/s into one of your rooms, or the safe back garden.

I wouldn’t be getting out of my car for someone who wanted me to leave my dog in it! Feels like there is more to this story, I’m afraid.

Glad you have all apologised. Am very sorry that you are widowed - are you able to join a dog walking club, do some voluntary work, go to the U3A? I’ve found quite a lot to do that doesn’t mean leaving my dog alone for long.

Very much hope it all goes well in the future. ?

I had a sheltie, (well more than one over my lifetime)
all been a little shy! but why not get them for a short walkies together. I always wanted my sheltie to mix..

sad for you. yes, apologies, well I would, mend fences, get dogs together, I wouldn`t leave my dog(s) in a car on their own, whilst I visited, would you?

Couldn't you put your dog outside / in another room for a while when they visited ? I always did that when I had an unsociable dog. That way I could have visitors and they'd feel welcome.

Sorry but it sounds as if you made them as unwelcome as possible.

dog=animal

family=human

Very rude.

McCavity

You make a good point, isn’t it simple about good manners? She may have been concerned for her Dogs but as others suggest , there are plenty of ways around that problem .

I’d be very ashamed if one of my daughters behaved in this way

I agree MacCavity2, the rude behavior was unacceptable and I'm sure many people wouldn't want to reach out to build a relationship with someone who who behaves in such a way.

By her own words she "shoved the cake and cash" at her son when he stopped by to say hello to her for his birthday at the end of a journey with two dogs in the car.

But, she apologized to him, he accepted. Let the poor woman move on and learn to keep her temper under control. Perhaps if she does, then moving forward her son and GF would be more willing to spend time with her.

Totally agree macavity we too often make too many excuses for our sons/daughters. I work with some young girls and the way they speak about their parents is unreal. Often borrowing money expecting free childcare with no thanks. And to sit in a car and ignore a person is downright rude!

You should definitely have hidden the cake away and enjoyed it yourself later.

GF wasn’t nasty, She was taking care of her animals the way any responsible pet owner should.
I really can't believe I'm reading this! Since when did staying with dogs in a car become more important than popping in to say hello to your MIL? I would consider it the height of bad manners if either of my DS' partners behaved like this. Fortunately they never would.

The way to keep your son/daughter close is through his/her partner. My son and I had a big falling out last August and if it wasn't for his wife having a 'Christmas' change of mind., my son and I would not see each other. Well, he is still a bit distant, but at least I get to see the little ones and have a cuppa with son and wife.
Funnily enough, my daughter is giving me the silent treatment because I made some long overdue nasty comments about her cheating ex-husband, yes, EX. She helps him financially, even though he is married to someone else and they have a child. He is lazy and works very little during the summer, because he is a golf addict. He has some type of hold on her and it makes me mad.

I'm glad you've smoothed things over mosaicwartsbut having just re read you OP I'm a little confused.

You say your son texted this morning and asked if he and his GF could pop in for coffee; that's why you popped out to buy a cake for his birthday. Why then did his GF stay in the car?

It doesn't make sense when he knew they would have the dogs with them when he contacted you this morning.

I agree MacCavity and get equally frustrated. It's all about basic good manners isn't it.

I believe that the responsibilities you referred too should be established in childhood and that they are decided by good manners and the long held belief that one should do unto others as they wish to be done too.

There are badly brought up people of every generation.

It sounds like what you’re really angry about, is that younger generations arent toe-ing the line you expect them to.

Might be time to adjust thought processes.

GF wasn’t nasty, She was taking care of her animals the way any responsible pet owner should. Unfortunately, even by her own words, it was OP who acted badly in this case. Why blame gf? why is girlfriend supposed to trot out her parents to meet her boyfriend’s mother? My in-laws met my parents in the months before my wedding, and not before, as there was no need for it.

Very well said McCavity.

I drilled into my kids over and over again....please/thank you/excuse me.

Son's gf ( aged 25) always, always thanks us for pub lunch, cup of coffee or whatever. We are not best buddies but that will suffice.

MacCavity2
May I ask how those responsibilities are established? Who decides those?

I’m just about fed up to the back teeth with people falling over themselves to defend the incredible bad manners of these badly brought up younger people. We are all supposed to defend their rights to treat members of their partners family with callous indifference and think it’s just the way they are nowadays. Surely with rights comes responsibilities. Do they want partners to come without the baggage of Mothers, Fathers or siblings.

Are families totally redundant? Are we not allowed any respect for caring for our children. I despair for the next generation to come if that’s the message they are taught.

Sorry this happened, mosaicwarts. I'm glad you realized that you overreacted and that you found it in you to apologize. Also, glad that DS responded nicely to your apology.

The fact that you've seen GF so infrequently and haven't met her parents suggests a few things, I think. One is that they may not be as serious as you think. Another is that she isn't that interested in a relationship w/ a BF's parents or in having the 2 sets of parents meet. Some people are like that. Overall, as another poster said, it seems like just a matter of mismatched expectations.

IDKY GF stayed in the car. Could genuinely be fear for the dogs. Could be laziness. Could be avoiding conversation w/ her BF's mum/you. It seems rude not to even wave or say hello, but she might not have thought of it. In the future, I wouldn't expect the level of communication, etc. from her that she's not willing/able to give. It's disappointing, no doubt,and it may be rude, but it is what it is. I think you'll need to accept that.

We all overreact from time to time. You recognized it, apologized and have made amends with your son.
Good for you, OP. Hugs to you as you go through this difficult time of grieving and change. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself.

When you are ready seek out friendships and activities that make you happy and feed your soul. You can have a full and wonderful life. And you can carry the love of your wonderful DH in your heart forever.

You have a son who loves you. Take heart in knowing he went to see you on his birthday. It clearly wasn’t very convenient for him (i.e. the dog and GF debacle) but he did it because he loves you.

Don’t worry about the GF. Maybe when you are up to it invite them both to an activity or event out that you will all enjoy. Sometimes it’s easier to get to know some one when you’re not sitting in a room trying to fill the void with awkward conversation. But getting out together provides wonderful fodder for conversation and distraction during those cringe worthy pauses.

I wish you the best.

Oh dear why on earth get angry and fussed over that
Your son made an effort to visit you on his birthday she thought it best to stay in the car with her dogs perhaps knowing you have a dog yourself, or perhaps shes over daft about leaving them in a car, but that’s her choice, you don’t have to take offence it’s her problem so why worry, you could have have enjoyed a brief but good visit with your son and then gone out and have a brief chat with her in the car and all would have been avoided
Don’t worry over it too much you ve apologised and hopefully another time you ll think before you react and don’t make unnecessary enemies of an in law if it can be helped

mosaicwarts
That's nice to hear.
It's hard not to have high expectations of seeing your DS but next time have a few scenarios/plans in place/in your head. Make it simple and easy to see you, take a step forward to his GF, pet his dogs. Do what they don't expect you to do. I think your wish to see your DS may feel a bit intense to him - my DD told me once that my overwhelming emotion was too much for her so I diluted it right down and it changed things for the better.
I'm proud of you that you said sorry! Try and start a new way of seeing things and you may find you get less anxious.
Bright and breezy is the way to go.

Maybe you could have walked the dogs locally?

It's strange and rude behaviour but sometimes things are not what they seem.

Just say sorry, you over reacted, in a text.

You say the girlfriend has zero interest in getting to know you. If you have any interest in getting to know her I would make the first move. As another poster has said she might be the mother of your grandchildren at some point in the future. This is just my opinion but being the older woman I think you just have to rise above it, plaster a smile on when you see her again and try to be interested in her, her work, her family and interests. Try to start to build a bridge, as anything is better than what you have now.

Just my two penny worth.

I am impressed with the introspection in this message

This is just a bump on the road and you will be ok.

Regarding not meeting het parents and her not wanting to know you, it boils down to different expectations. You are wise to adjust them.

A friendship or relationship to work, it has to be organic and forcing it is the worst you can do.
Who knows if you will be friends in the future? Maybe.