Is there anyone here whose estranged adult child re-established contact?

Thank you Starlady x

Yes, it is good to hear about you and DS, Yoga! Sorry that ED has not cut him out of her life, too, but not surprised, since in her mind, I suppose he "switched sides" (NOT defending her). I hope you, DS, ND and family continue to have a good relationship. And that ED comes around eventually.

Thank you Smileless

oops x

It's good to know that things are going so well with you and your son Yogagirl[smile}

^Purpletinofpaint Tue 02-Jul-19 11:04:58
I'm not expecting anyone to answer yes to this. I'm wondering if there are any stories of estranged adult children that came back & successfully established a new relationship with their parents?^

My DD estranged herself 7.5yrs ago, taking my beloved GC out of my life, due to brainwashing by her H. About a year later my DS joined them. Just before Xmas this year I got an email from DS, out of the blue after 6.5yrs of silence. He is now living with me, we get on really well, as we did before. He said that the change was from him maturing and realising that his friends were not the most important thing in ones life, but family are. His sister, my estD, has now cut him out too, no surprise to me & his other sister though [also cut out, same time as me].

I've just realised that our family saga involved a kind of estrangement.
We married both for the 2nd time with 4 children aged 5-9.
It was hard. Then 2 of them, one mine, one his rebelled around age 17-18 and went back to the other parent. It was an awful few years.
Very little contact for some years though we always left the door open.
As they got older and now have families of their own we've slowly rebuilt the relationships, though the 2 who stayed are closer.

Still waiting PF; still waiting with you xx

I am just going through this process at present after a semi-estrangement from my eldest DD of several years. I say 'semi-estrangement', because she would still send birthday cards etc - although they were quite impersonal and 'cold' - but blocked us entirely for six months, moved house without telling us her new address, got married without telling us, and had a baby without telling us. She literally hugged us and said goodbye after we visited her (she lived about 200 miles away at the time and now even further away) but then cut us off. I have seen her once in the last three years for lunch at a restaurant with our now SIL.

She is expecting another baby any day now and there has been a rapprochement to the extent where she is now in almost daily contact and sends lots of photos etc of DGD. We are scheduled to visit in January when we will meet both children for the first time. I have mixed feelings, to be honest, as I was so hurt that she would treat us in that way, especially not telling us of DGD's existence until she was 14 months old.

I am proceeding cautiously, as I don't want to be hurt again, so it is heartening to read some positive stories. DD was in her early 20s when the semi-estrangement began - it was a relationship which went from being close and loving to more and more distant - so hopefully time and maturity will have made a difference.

Yes, smileless, it did help, but at the time, there was animosity in the correspondence, which we worried would damage things further if you know what I mean. Luckily, it took an about turn, and we met up. I’m not sure it’ll ever be perfect, but at least she’s with us. We do only borrow our children, and can only pray we’ll always have them, but of course, as you know, it’s not always the case. Never give up though Smileless, You never know what’s round the corner.

It must have helped having email contact during that time endlessstrife, when there's no communication whatsoever, it's impossible to try and find a solution.

One thing I later realised after we’d reconciled, was the whole thing coincided with my menopause getting going! Not sure if it’s a reason, but certainly wouldn’t have helped. During the absence, we emailed all the time, and tried very hard to sort it out. In our case, we knew what we’d “ done”. I agree, discussions absolutely need to be had if possible.

midnightschild another uplifting post.

I was estranged from my eldest son for 5 years following a family row. Tried several times to re-establish contact but DIL intercepted all attempts and told me I would never have contact with him again. After his marriage broke up he contacted me and we very slowly started to rebuild our relationship. We now get on very well. I think our long separation allowed us to heal from a really long-standing toxic relationship. He grew up and I perhaps saw some things about myself that I didn’t like. I went through some tough stuff during his childhood and it had a lot of repercussions.
Anyway, I am now very careful to treat him with respect and kindness and he, in return, is also thoughtful and respectful. I don’t think we would ever have reached this lovely way of being with each other without the long hiatus. We haven’t really discussed the events which led to the estrangement but I think we both tacitly feel that we would rather move on than dwell on the bad things that happened in the past.
I would urge people to never give up hope of restoring a family relationship if it can be done in a way which is healthy for all involved - but I do acknowledge that some relationships are so entrenched in toxicity that they can never be mended.

jenpax it is so sad that it took the death of your father to make your mother see that she needed help. How fortunate she was that you were able to be there for her and that you both enjoyed and no doubt benefited from the relationship you were able to have.

It's so refreshing to see a post from someone who having estranged their mother believes other EP's when they say they simply don't understand why they've been cut out, that they've never been told.

You did the right thing, you explained your reasons and were there for her if she managed to turn things around. She did and you were.

jenpax

There are two possibilities.

1) People are often told not to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. JADEing tells people that they have the option to disagree with you. It's easier just to say, "Here's what's going to happen. Here are the boundaries. End of."

2) It's possible in some cases that the reason for the estrangement was actually discussed, but the person didn't agree with it, didn't listen, or simply chose not to mention it.

I went no contact with my late mother for 1 year; the reason at the time was to do with her drinking, which had become steadily worse through my teen years and into my 20’s and eventually made her unbearable to be around much of the time. Sadly it took my fathers death to get her to seek help! however once she did I resumed contact and we had a fab relationship right up to her death 12 years ago.
The thing that I struggle with reading these threads is that the AC often don’t seem to tell the parents why they are cutting them out! Time and again posters state they have wracked their brains to see a reason and that the AC have just told them to “work it out” When I cut my mother off I told her clearly why and what she could do to put it right anything less seems down right unfair to me! I struggle to understand why people cut others out with no explanation!

endlesssstrife it's good to see there are some happy endings to estrangement, especially at this difficult time of the year.

Yes, we were estranged from our daughter for 16 months. We missed her terribly, and we agreed to disagree over the original trauma. This all happened in 2016. The elephant is still peaking through the doorway, but not right in the room! She had changed at the time, but is gradually returning to her old self. Love conquered in our case.

I have been interested in this post/thread but agree with some others about the acronyms, so annoying and they are not all in the list in the acronym tab at the top, for example...AC, CO, IMO.
It spoils the flow of the posts and they can't always be guessed at. I am by no means a computer or technology luddite but I am not a big texter nor a facebook afficionado so do not know them and have to google for the answer.

That's lovely March it will be a really happy Christmas for you all.

We are now back in contact with my MIL and have been for a few months.

I never, I'm 20 million years, did I EVER think we would be. Ever. Can't stress that enough. I never thought we could put it behind us and move on.

But we have. Its been spoke about. Alot. Both sides. We've all had a cry, been honest, we have listened to each other and apologises have been sprinkled around like glitter.
and its been put to rest.

It's been bloody lovely. It's more natural now than it's ever, EVER been. We have all changed, grew and all grown up abit.

It can happen.

How awful supergabs he must be extremely vindictive and cruel to do such an awful thing.

Like you, I don't want to be reconciled either. I could never trust our ES son again. Once they've done something you'd never have thought possible, whose to say they wouldn't do it again.

"I still love the little boy he was but the man he has become is not someone I want to know". I feel exactly the same.

.

My second oldest EAC made contact a few years ago by email, saying that he had decided things would be better with me in his life. We exchanged emails and I sent him Christmas presents, which he acknowledged and thanked me for.
This went on for a couple of months until he sent me his last email saying simply that he had changed his mind. It was a kick in the stomach but deep down I had never trusted this olive branch. He is a very vindictive person. I realised it had all been a set up. It must have given him great malicious satisfaction. My reply to him was 'OK'. No contact ever since.
To be honest I don't want to be reconciled. I don't need his kind of nastiness in my life. I still love the little boy he was but the man he has become is not someone I want to know.

123Kitty
Starlady always writes in that fashion. I don't bother reading her posts.