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Estrangement

Is there anyone here whose estranged adult child re-established contact?

(116 Posts)
Purpletinofpaint Tue 02-Jul-19 11:04:58

I'm not expecting anyone to answer yes to this. I'm wondering if there are any stories of estranged adult children that came back & successfully established a new relationship with their parents?

rosecarmel Tue 02-Jul-19 11:34:47

Yes- Me and my mother and me and my son-

Why didn't you expect anyone to answer yes?

love0c Tue 02-Jul-19 12:16:23

One of my very good friends did not see her adult son for about 3 years. She had always got on with her married son and dil. They have 3 children. They had quite a few arguments about family, his childhood and why his mum (my friend) got a divorce from his dad. Her son then had a divorce forced on him which upset him greatly and he was quite depressed. They became friends again and are closer than ever now. He moved to be near her and lives with his brother. So that is one estrangement that sorted itself out.

Grammaretto Tue 02-Jul-19 20:38:47

After a messy divorce my relative was cut off from his 3 DC. He was devastated. Years went by. He continued to keep his door wide open to them should they want to renew contact. At last his DS wanted to "forgive" his father and was reconciled though it was hard because his mother was bitter and angry.
Later one DD appeared occasionally at family events. DD#2 has never reconciled, has disappeared and can only be contacted through a lawyer.

Meeyoo Wed 03-Jul-19 10:58:03

I have a friend who reconciled with her mother, but the mother slipped back into her old abusive toxic ways and the friend had to go no contact again to protect her own mental health.

what usually happens with these narcissistic types is that when they start to feel comfortable again they start to punish the person for thier previous insubordination

Starlady Wed 03-Jul-19 12:31:27

IDK, but I suspect that reconciliation only works if one or both parties change in some way or other. Either they decide not to repeat behaviors that offended the other person anymore or the other person decides to accept or ignore these behaviors. If neither of those things happen, then, IMO, they are almost bound to end up CO again.

Ive learned on MN that the 1st CO is often just a TO (time out), where they give themselves some space to think things over and let the other party (hopefully) think things over, too. Then, after a while, they may be ready to reach out and try again. But if nothing changes, there may be more TOs or maybe a total CO. I don't get the impression that there is a definite formula for when to do a complete CO. But it seems to me that by the third - or in some cases, the 2nd -TO, that's when these young people tend to go totally NC. Then again, Ive heard of some people having several TOs over the years before one or both sides choose to go NC, period.

Starlady Wed 03-Jul-19 12:37:30

Most of the stories of reconciliation Ive heard/read about involve a GC who was estranged from their GPs as a child through no fault of their own/due to conflicts between the parents and GPs. In these cases, the GC reaches out to the GPs as an adult or - maybe - as a teenager and there's a really happy reunion. But the GC and GPs aren't looking for each other to have changed in any way.

It's similar to the story Gramarreto told, where the DS and one DD reached out to their dad as they got older. They were CO from him, but they didn't initiate the CO, their mum did, so it's different.

Starlady Wed 03-Jul-19 12:39:48

Oops! Sorry, that's Grammaretto.

BTW, Grammaretto, I'm sorry your family member went through that and that his other D still won't have anything to do w/ him. I guess she was more influenced by her mum than the others were.

Grammaretto Wed 03-Jul-19 17:51:08

The story I told happened years ago and the parents are both dead.
AFAIK the DD who lost contact has totally cut herself off even from her siblings. When her dad died she popped up briefly via a lawyer to claim her inheritance.

Starlady Thu 04-Jul-19 07:13:47

Wow.

Annaram1 Thu 04-Jul-19 11:28:20

Oh goodness!!! I just cannot understand a lot of these posts due to the wholly unnecessary practice of using all sorts of abbreviations, It is so annoying to have to keep going to the Acronyms box to decipher them. I never use them myself.

Jayelld Thu 04-Jul-19 11:49:54

For a lot of reasons I separated from my mother and siblings, only seeing them occasionally about every 6 weeks or so, even though we lived close by. I reconciled with my father once my daughter was born until he died 12 years later.
Unfortunately my estrangement with my mother, younger brother and sister proved to difficult to reconcile. Out of 3 sisters and 3 brothers I have contact with 2 sisters, 1 brother though not a close, 'cosy' relationship. (I am way too independent!)
Reconciliation is possible, but it takes work on both sides for it to works, and both parties need to decide what type of relationship they want.

tigger Thu 04-Jul-19 11:51:14

Firstly agree with Annaraml, trying to decipher some of the posts is hard work. Yes it is possible to re-establish relationships, usually I think to children developing more mature attitudes as they get older.

grandtanteJE65 Thu 04-Jul-19 12:00:48

My stepson disappeared completely for over a year - no phone calls or e-mails and he had moved to a new address without giving us it.

We were worried sick, but as he was over thirty there was nothing we could do.

Then suddenly out of the blue, an e-mail asking could he please come and see us.

You bet he could! Turned out he was in debt, homeless and had lost all his possessions on account of the bum bailiff having been in.

DH helped him talk to banks, solicitors, creditors and got a scheme in place for clearing his debts.

Now ten years later, we have the best relationship with him and his live-in girlfriend. He has cleared off his debts, finished his training and is looking for a job as a radiologist.

dragonfly46 Thu 04-Jul-19 12:15:42

A friend of mine had no contact with her only child, a daughter for about 5 years. She had no idea where she was. To be honest knowing my friend I wasn't too surprised but eventually they got back in touch and now live in the same town and see each other regularly.

Stella14 Thu 04-Jul-19 12:49:24

I’m sure it happens. My son cut contact with me 11-years-ago, and I don’t see that changing. Also, I’m far from confident that, without an apology (which I can’t even imagine), I could forgive him for what he put me through after all this time. There seems to be an assumption that we should always welcome these estranged adult children back with open arms, but I went through years of grief and finally adjusted to the situation, so it wouldn’t be that simple. If fir any reason, he decided to come back, I feel sure he would want to do so casually, as if nothing had happened.

LizVck Thu 04-Jul-19 12:52:12

I have had no contact with my youngest son for over 5 years now since I divorced his father I found out on facebook 6 months ago from one of my daughter's posts that I have a new granddaughter and I got his address and sent a couple of knitted cardies. I got a thank you from him via Facebook so I guess this is a start.

jennyvg Thu 04-Jul-19 12:54:33

Yes, my son had no contact with us for three years, we have never really known why, although he does have a very controlling wife, new baby born who was very unwell, he got in touch with us & thankfully we now have a happy relationship with him & our grandchildren. Wife still very controlling but he is obviously happy with her & she is a wonderful mother.

Duvetdiva Thu 04-Jul-19 13:10:05

I also find comments slower to read due to the annoying acronyms!

Sara65 Thu 04-Jul-19 13:17:03

Me too!

marionk Thu 04-Jul-19 13:31:22

My DH is estranged from his youngest son and has been for over 15 years, so imagine the surprise when he arrived at the hospital after his father had a heart attack telling us it was time to forgive and move on. Fast forward 3 years and we are back to 0 contact so can only think he was looking for his inheritance 😂 well I have news for him!!

Namsnanny Thu 04-Jul-19 13:38:19

Duvet diva...well if you look at the top of the home page you can click on ‘acronyms’ and that should tell you all you need to know.smile

Namsnanny Thu 04-Jul-19 13:41:39

Marion’s...that is the situation I would be most afraid of, I think.
You both have to be in the same frame of mind at the same time with consideration and forgiveness flowing in abundance both ways, for it to stand any chance of working out in the long run.

Namsnanny Thu 04-Jul-19 13:43:00

Marionk...blasted phone!!

123kitty Thu 04-Jul-19 13:43:06

Starlady - what was that all about?