Do not let estrangement ruin your life.

Don't you think that if it were possible to "just meet and talk about it over a cup of tea" we'd have done that polyester?

Tigertooth...that's very intriguing. My daughter is the eldest of 3 and has cut me out of her life. I haven't been able to figure out why because we didn't have a row or disagreement. She was the only child for 3 years, then her first brother was born. Perhaps, as you suggest, she has never forgiven me.

I know of 3 adult children who have cut all contact with their mothers - all 3 are the eldest child of 3 siblings.
Is this a ‘thing’ with the eldest - do they never really forgive their mothers for having more babies?

Life is certainly never the same again.
A part of my heart died. The hurt goes on and it’s hard to describe how a child can do easily discard a mother.
But life does go on. But like I said never quite the same.

Why do I feel that my life is being taken over by American talk shows? Can you not just meet and talk about it over a cup of tea?

Thank you so much for this Peonyrose Myself and DH are only just experiencing this incredible heartache. Just taking it all a day at a time atm and doing all we can to keep going despite all the negative 'propaganda' against us.

Dawn22 I'm so sorry you've suffered injustice too

We are still at the incredibly painful stage of estrangement when DH's only and much loved child has rejected every attempt to contact her since DH and I got married. The guilt I feel is massive. He and his previous wife had been divorced for several years by the time we met but his daughter could never forgive him for finding happiness.

Life can certainly be enjoyed although part of my heart has been frozen. Do not know what caused the estrangement. Asked but no reply. Have lovely people around me and i very very rarely think of what could be. Their loss, i am surrogate grandparent to several littleones and surrogate parent to their parents so family life continues for me

I can't imagine how painful it has been and continues to be for a such a lot of people.
It's good to have a more positive message on here, life can still be enjoyed despite everything.

Good advice Peonyrose it is so difficult to live with.

I examined my situation very closely and at length with my younger son. Eventually I was able to say quite honestly that I had done nothing to cause the estrangement (the reasons elder son gave were things which simply hadn't happened) and the guilt was lifted.

After almost 2 decades I still miss my elder boy, the daft beggar. He's too stubborn to back down even if he now regrets cutting himself off from all 3 members of his remaining family.

The biggest thing which helped me (thanks to my younger son), is that it is not ME but him; his choice to divorce us. Nothing we did.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peony, thanks for starting this thread and you give good advice.

I identify totally with what Smileless says about the waves of hopelessness, sleepless nights, long dark tunnel and feelings of despair. I also agree with the poster who says that reconciliation may come when you least expect it and when you stop pushing for it.

I am semi-reconciled with DD now, but there is still a long way to go and she has hurt me so badly that I think I am always going to be a bit wary. To be honest, I think a little piece of me has, if not died, then certainly frozen over, in order to protect myself. But I do feel much stronger, I have stopped beating myself up about what I did and didn't do to cause the estrangement. I am moving forward positively but cautiously and enjoying all of the positive aspects of my life, including my relationships with my other two lovely children. I realised that ESD was taking up too much head space and that I was spending far more time thinking about her than the two who were so loving, supportive and loyal, and that's not fair on them.

So, yes, let's embrace Peony's message and not waste our lives on things that we may not be able to change. Let's count our blessings and enjoy and be grateful for what we have.

Peonyrose

You are right, it may not be life as you imagined it, but it can still be a good life

Beautiful post, Smileless!

Dawn, so sorry for what you've been through! Hugs!

For the first 4 years of our estrangement, when we continued to love just 15 doors away, I used to get waves of hopelessness and despair.

I struggled to sleep, to leave the house for fear of seeing them. I felt as if I'd suddenly for no discernible reason, been cast down a long, cold, damp and unforgiving tunnel which if there was a light at the end of, I couldn't see.

Now, 20 months since we moved to begin a new chapter in our lives, those waves have all but disappeared and been replaced with waves of extraordinary peace and happiness.

I am sorry Dawn. In a way your painful experiences at the hands of your in laws have defined you, but perhaps not in the way that you think.

You are not the person they have defined you as, no more than we are the people our ES and his wife have defined us as being.

Your experiences, the way you have handled them and to a certain extent come through them is what defines you just as our experiences and our handling of them define us.

You have tried to stand against injustice, as have we but there's only so much you can do. It takes courage to stand against injustice so let that be one aspect of your relationship with your in laws that defines you. It's good, it's positive and it's true.

Peonyrose... positive post thanks!
Not up to commenting more than that (for fear of the usual bashing!!)
But appreciate the common sense and kindness behind pointing it out.

I have very difficult in laws. It has hurt me like nothing else in my life and even though l have tried to stand against injustice, sometimes l feel it has defined me.. I really like your insights Smileless. This is a good post to help us explore the impact estrangement has on the human psyche. Not many places for that type of spotlight.
Dawn.

You can have a good life even when you’re estranged from loved ones, a different life from the one you’d planned, but a good one nevertheless. However you do have to be proactive and not allow negative thoughts to overwhelm you on a daily basis. Sometimes the very thing you want the most I.e reconciliation comes when you stop trying so hard to achieve it.

A great thread for the estrangement forum Peonyrose.

It is very hard isn't it. I haven't seen my Dad now 19 years now and have come to terms with my father not loving me. I've come to the conclusion that his dreadful childhood stunted him emotionally. He's 87 now, and the only way I can find out about him is through my 82 year old aunt who doesn't have a sensitivity filter