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Do not let estrangement ruin your life.

(121 Posts)
Peonyrose Sat 06-Jul-19 07:34:41

When you are estranged from someone you love so much, it us hard to think of anything else. After trying reconcilliation and being rebuffed, please try hard not to let it spoil your life, keep busy and work at being happy with what you do have otherwise it's a waste if a life.

mosaicwarts Sat 06-Jul-19 09:10:35

It is very hard isn't it. I haven't seen my Dad now 19 years now and have come to terms with my father not loving me. I've come to the conclusion that his dreadful childhood stunted him emotionally. He's 87 now, and the only way I can find out about him is through my 82 year old aunt who doesn't have a sensitivity filter smile

Smileless2012 Sat 06-Jul-19 09:17:26

A great thread for the estrangement forum Peonyrosesmile.

Pantglas1 Sat 06-Jul-19 09:56:24

You can have a good life even when you’re estranged from loved ones, a different life from the one you’d planned, but a good one nevertheless. However you do have to be proactive and not allow negative thoughts to overwhelm you on a daily basis. Sometimes the very thing you want the most I.e reconciliation comes when you stop trying so hard to achieve it.

Dawn22 Sat 06-Jul-19 22:53:44

I have very difficult in laws. It has hurt me like nothing else in my life and even though l have tried to stand against injustice, sometimes l feel it has defined me.. I really like your insights Smileless. This is a good post to help us explore the impact estrangement has on the human psyche. Not many places for that type of spotlight.

Namsnanny Thu 11-Jul-19 12:16:40

Peonyrose...thanks positive post thanks!
Not up to commenting more than that (for fear of the usual bashing!!)
But appreciate the common sense and kindness behind pointing it out.

Smileless2012 Thu 11-Jul-19 14:21:07

For the first 4 years of our estrangement, when we continued to love just 15 doors away, I used to get waves of hopelessness and despair.

I struggled to sleep, to leave the house for fear of seeing them. I felt as if I'd suddenly for no discernible reason, been cast down a long, cold, damp and unforgiving tunnel which if there was a light at the end of, I couldn't see.

Now, 20 months since we moved to begin a new chapter in our lives, those waves have all but disappeared and been replaced with waves of extraordinary peace and happiness.

I am sorry Dawn. In a way your painful experiences at the hands of your in laws have defined you, but perhaps not in the way that you think.

You are not the person they have defined you as, no more than we are the people our ES and his wife have defined us as being.

Your experiences, the way you have handled them and to a certain extent come through them is what defines you just as our experiences and our handling of them define us.

You have tried to stand against injustice, as have we but there's only so much you can do. It takes courage to stand against injustice so let that be one aspect of your relationship with your in laws that defines you. It's good, it's positive and it's true.


Starlady Fri 12-Jul-19 00:46:06

Beautiful post, Smileless!

Dawn, so sorry for what you've been through! Hugs!

Sara65 Fri 12-Jul-19 06:59:43


You are right, it may not be life as you imagined it, but it can still be a good life

Dolcelatte Fri 12-Jul-19 07:11:41

Peony, thanks for starting this thread and you give good advice.

I identify totally with what Smileless says about the waves of hopelessness, sleepless nights, long dark tunnel and feelings of despair. I also agree with the poster who says that reconciliation may come when you least expect it and when you stop pushing for it.

I am semi-reconciled with DD now, but there is still a long way to go and she has hurt me so badly that I think I am always going to be a bit wary. To be honest, I think a little piece of me has, if not died, then certainly frozen over, in order to protect myself. But I do feel much stronger, I have stopped beating myself up about what I did and didn't do to cause the estrangement. I am moving forward positively but cautiously and enjoying all of the positive aspects of my life, including my relationships with my other two lovely children. I realised that ESD was taking up too much head space and that I was spending far more time thinking about her than the two who were so loving, supportive and loyal, and that's not fair on them.

So, yes, let's embrace Peony's message and not waste our lives on things that we may not be able to change. Let's count our blessings and enjoy and be grateful for what we have.

Bordersgirl57 Fri 12-Jul-19 07:20:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BradfordLass72 Fri 12-Jul-19 07:55:18

Good advice Peonyrose it is so difficult to live with.

I examined my situation very closely and at length with my younger son. Eventually I was able to say quite honestly that I had done nothing to cause the estrangement (the reasons elder son gave were things which simply hadn't happened) and the guilt was lifted.

After almost 2 decades I still miss my elder boy, the daft beggar. He's too stubborn to back down even if he now regrets cutting himself off from all 3 members of his remaining family.

The biggest thing which helped me (thanks to my younger son), is that it is not ME but him; his choice to divorce us. Nothing we did. sad

sodapop Fri 12-Jul-19 08:20:34

I can't imagine how painful it has been and continues to be for a such a lot of people.
It's good to have a more positive message on here, life can still be enjoyed despite everything.

Witchypoo Fri 12-Jul-19 09:07:51

Life can certainly be enjoyed although part of my heart has been frozen. Do not know what caused the estrangement. Asked but no reply. Have lovely people around me and i very very rarely think of what could be. Their loss, i am surrogate grandparent to several littleones and surrogate parent to their parents so family life continues for me

Nanny27 Fri 12-Jul-19 09:16:51

We are still at the incredibly painful stage of estrangement when DH's only and much loved child has rejected every attempt to contact her since DH and I got married. The guilt I feel is massive. He and his previous wife had been divorced for several years by the time we met but his daughter could never forgive him for finding happiness.

CanOnlyTry Fri 12-Jul-19 09:18:41

Thank you so much for this Peonyrose Myself and DH are only just experiencing this incredible heartache. Just taking it all a day at a time atm and doing all we can to keep going despite all the negative 'propaganda' against us.

Dawn22 I'm so sorry you've suffered injustice too

polyester57 Fri 12-Jul-19 09:33:46

Why do I feel that my life is being taken over by American talk shows? Can you not just meet and talk about it over a cup of tea?

Minshy Fri 12-Jul-19 09:50:43

Life is certainly never the same again.
A part of my heart died. The hurt goes on and it’s hard to describe how a child can do easily discard a mother.
But life does go on. But like I said never quite the same.

Tigertooth Fri 12-Jul-19 10:13:37

I know of 3 adult children who have cut all contact with their mothers - all 3 are the eldest child of 3 siblings.
Is this a ‘thing’ with the eldest - do they never really forgive their mothers for having more babies?

RosieLeah Fri 12-Jul-19 10:18:40

Tigertooth...that's very intriguing. My daughter is the eldest of 3 and has cut me out of her life. I haven't been able to figure out why because we didn't have a row or disagreement. She was the only child for 3 years, then her first brother was born. Perhaps, as you suggest, she has never forgiven me.

Smileless2012 Fri 12-Jul-19 11:06:32

Don't you think that if it were possible to "just meet and talk about it over a cup of tea" we'd have done that polyester?

maddyone Fri 12-Jul-19 11:33:31

Your life is never the same, during or after estrangement. The pain you feel is indescribable, and the questions go on and on. You query what you did or said, you wonder how you could possibly have raised your beloved child so that he/she behaves in this way. What did you do wrong? Were you just a lousy parent? Are there mental health issues? Is it a genetic trait? And the most sad of all, why me? You grieve as if your child was dead.
But Peonyrose is right, eventually you have to get on with your life and enjoy your life, because this is the only life you have, and it’s precious. Try not to waste it.

inishowen Fri 12-Jul-19 11:35:54

We're estranged from hubbies side of the family. It doesn't cost us a thought. They said unforgiveable things a long time ago.

Nannanna Fri 12-Jul-19 11:36:16

Many years have passed with no more to say that won't end in anger avoid this and to protect yourself best to keep your distance. Lives to live and not waste energy and time on endless painful conversations where no kindness is shown. Soul destroying !
No one has a right to cause this kind of hurt on anyone. ?

Nannanna Fri 12-Jul-19 11:37:41

I agree - to protect yourself and live your life xx