Child arrangement court order

Often the person with the contact order expects their contact session to be all about fun. They want to be good cop. So homework etc doesnt get done. And they do not want to be told about what needs to be done by the primary carer if the relationship between them is hostile.

Also as contact is often at weekends, kids get bundled back on sundays, tired/disrupted/unsettled/out of routine and they then struggle at school on the monday.

Being shoved back n forth between adults that dont work together, with all the tension stress and resentment that the court order causes, has an awful effect on the child that any teacher will tell you has a massive knock on effect.

Often, the damage of contact sessions is only begining to be undone in time for another contact session..

No GP who does this gives a toss about their GCs. They just want to "win"

There was a child in one of my childrens class who people stopped inviting to parties because even when the child wanted to go, the weekend contact person did not want to "waste" their contact by dropping them at class parties for 2 hours! The mum was sad about it and the kid was often gutted but nothing the mum could do, she could be penalised for holding the child back from contact for parties.

100% agreement, notanan2

Hand over is either facilitated by contact centre, a third party, or between the people who dont get on.

Do you seriously think that the tension caused by these "handovers" are not picked up upon by the child.

The child is not a prize. A drama / tension / stressfree stable life without seeing much of a particular member of the extended family is preferable FOR THE CHILD than having "contact" at any cost (to the child and their immediate family unit: financial/mental/emotional/logistical restrictions etc)

You cause stress and restrictiins and cost to a childs primary family unit, that affects the child!

If the GPs do not communicate with or respect the childs primary carers, what happens about continuity of routine, discipline, diet, health needs, emotional needs?

Well I know what happens from kids I have seen under court ordered contact: no continuity and the child becomes unsettled/ill/destructive etc

One example = not believing the parents re allergies as symptoms dont show until child is returned home. So A. a sick child after every contact and NOTHING the parent can do and B. the parents efforts to teach the child to avoid thosr foods are undermined

Another example: child given an ipad at contact. No discussion with primary parent about what internet safety education or boundaries the child has at home. Child saw some REALLY traumatic content spliced into youtube cartoons. Child went home having nightmares and repeating inappropriate content at school..
..... because there was no relationship between the parent and the relatives who had the contact order there was no co-operation re dealing with this, and the relatives claimed that the parent had made it all up to try to "control" what gifts they gave to the child.

The child is colateral damage. It is NOT good for the child to have stayed with people who cannot or will not co-operate with the childs primary carers.

It is unsettling and upsetting for the child.

Court appointed contact is NOTHING like a "normal" visit to relatives!

For example, grandchild has a birthday party but it is also time for court ordered visit to grandparents- what to do?

Gc practices a sport and cannot go to a competition/practice/game as it is time to visit the grandparents - what to do?

The gc loses, big time.

There are some really sad things in these posts and in some it appears to be all about the parents and GPs, why is it not all about the children? Surely the children's 'right to family life' matter more than anything else?

Court appointed contact is absolutely NOTHING like normal family life, and is often extremely detrimental to the childs wellbeing.

Nobody who truely cared for a child would wish them and their family to be under a court order.

It WILL punish their parents.... and damage the child as colateral damage... I guess some GPs hate the parents more than they care about the children so will still persue this incredibly destructive process anyway...

Personally, in my case, it is exactly about the 'child'..

My child, in fact.

And I'll not allow my child to be taught that I'm a cult leader and evil person by someone with a lying mental disorder.

In my personal case, it's the GPs that are harmful to my parent-child relationship and that, my friends, will not be allowed. It is the GPs that are a danger to my family, and my child.

No relationship is worth keeping that is harmful and intentionally damaging to a parent-child relationship. We can respectfully disagree if we are in different realms, but that is the very point - damage to the child must stop.

Peace & happiness to you all!

kaimegan Thank you.

There are some really sad things in these posts and in some it appears to be all about the parents and GPs, why is it not all about the children? Surely the children's 'right to family life' matter more than anything else?

I'm assuming that the GPs have no record of abuse because quite clearly that would be a different matter, but if one parent is cutting the children off from the whole of one side of that child's family that must be wrong? Even if the parent and GPs have fallen out shouldn't the children come first? If the GPs have been involved with the GCs and they have all enjoyed it, been collected and returned at the time specified and nothing detrimental has happened why is it fair to stop the GC seeing their GPs? Surely that is harmful to the children?

It has been suggested to wait and see and hope things improve and someone has said that the courts would see that as not being involved in the lives of the children so how long should you leave it if the parent isn't talking to you? What is the point of leaving it?

Hi again,

On the 'depends on the communication between them', I engaged a lawyer to act as an mediator between our families, get a document started that would be our list of requirements in order to have a civil, non-mom-screaming, I'm an evil, cult leader son, etc type of conversation, send it to them and then meet at my lawyers office to begin if we can find some common ground.

I needed to use a lawyer because of threats, physical stalking and cyber-stalking, are all crimes in my location, and one of the stalkers is a gun-toting felon. I began working with our lawyer to produce the letter, but my mom wrote back to the lawyer and said to them "I hear your getting a letter to send to us to meet, don't bother we don't need your letter - we'll never get in touch with them (us) again, we are through trying to mend things."

Of course, this was a lie, it was simply a maneuver to not get in front of a 3rd party and then continue to harass and try and pin me down again for yet another family mobbing alone.

The only thing my mother insists on and keeps harassing me for, is a personal face to face meeting where she says 'this is only between you as our son, and us'.. I'll just have to 'disobey' mom on that one. I gave a very reasonable option and you will agree to it or.. not...

Sorry, the isolation ploy will not happen in our lifetime, and they will grow old an eventually die of old old age trying to press my back into the corner and attack.. You'll have to just chew on one another for a few more years for your narcissistic supply, and we'll see if you're ready to talk to our lawyer again sometime in the next few years if you can get a bit more civil and stop your obsessive-compulsive lying about me.. But of course, according to them, they wish I'd stop punishing them, and they've done 'all that they know to do'.. Absolutely amazing to all of us!

Another note, it's not just protection of their 'golden child' but he also must be elevated above others. If you are successful, have a happy family and children - yet the golden child is a felon and unemployable; guess what.. You have scratched the egg unawares by your success, and the mother hen is going to make you pay for that.

So, I didn't want to get this 'court discussion' post way out into left field, so I apologize if I've steered this thread in the wrong direction. But again, my point on that was if they end-run my family with a court attempt, that would be THE last, last straw.

Peace & Happiness to all!

Missadventure,

Thanks for the clarification! I see what you mean.

Its in the post that you said was enlightening, by twentytwenty.
His parents are protecting someone who has done those things.

Where does the gun toting and car chases come from?

Well, that would depend on communication between them, which is often not an option.

I'm very well aware of how unfair life can be.

I'm not saying its not true, I'm pointing out that not many families have gun toting offspring, car chases etc.

The most outrageous thing that happens in my family is a trip to Aldis!

Misadventure

Life can be extreme and unfair. It does not mean it is not real and it happens - often or not.

Does a parent want to hear this about them? I bet not.

If a parent really wants to solve an issue with their adult offspring, they have to be able to hear it and make changes in order to repair the relationship.

Insightful but pretty extreme I'd say.
Certainly not representative of most families.

Twentytwenty

Very insightful post.

Hi, I'm a soon to be GP, my oldest daughter is now many weeks farther along pregnant after 2 unbearable miscarriages. We are very happy and excited for our future!

So, My family, as well as my 2 grown children's families are estranged from my parents due to a sorted lot of events, where her other drug-addict son has threatened the life of myself and 2 grown kids. He's also a felon, that has pursued a young girl across state and terrorized her with firing a weapon at her home, and admitted to almost shooting the police officer as he fled on a 100+ MPH chase. You'd better agree with him, or there will be hell to pay.

My parents protect him, yet demean my life, believe he is 'getting better' and that I'm bad for not convincing my 2 grown children to ever be around him again and not allowing them to 'family mob' me and my wife. Oh, BTW, they say I'm now a 'cult-leader' and that God should strike me down. And apparently I'm also "Evil". You know, like the Mansons or Hitler. They have also weaved extensive lies to try and sweep this all under the rug, blame me alone, and say I'm the one that needs mental help.

Even with all of this - I've left a very limited door cracked open, that if my parents ever come back to reality, get mental help, own and be responsible for their assault & lies on our family there may be a way to salvage 'something' of our relationship (but not their other son's). They have no intention of ever doing that, so we have no path forward. They've lost their doormat, curse me, and claim 'they are the victim' and how I'm harming my own young child..

So, back to this court thing - If they took us to court to attempt to circumvent our relationship and authority of our own young daughter, that would be the final death nail in the coffin of our relationship. 100% irreconcilable at that point, cracked door would be closed, for good..

I'd recommend folks think long and hard about trying to usurp authority over a man, his wife and their child in the courts. I may cost you everything, no hope of a relationship again, with no possibility of remediation. Ever.

Additionally, I see a lot of wrong assumptions on boards like these - don't just assume that we AEC are just following some 'no contact' script, and considering estrangement over a dress worn to a wedding or some other nonsense. We don't 'need fixing' because our parents are pouring gas on themselves, in a ditch that they have willingly dug, and refuse to come up out of. It's a deeply traumatic experience to know that your own parents love a lie more than you... their own flesh and blood. And it takes a hell of a lot to get us to go NC, after many other attempts to reconcile, when there is no other possible escape. Sometimes, its the parents that need fixing.

Unbend-able, lying, demeaning, selfish, abusive parents have cut themselves out of our life, their grand-kids life, and now (hopefully soon with a healthy pregnancy ) the great-grand-kids life. And of course, they are the 'victims'. Anyone assuming that we'll 'get our due' when the tables are turned, and our kids are grown and do the same for us, just doesn't get it.. We are so disgusted with the behavior that makes a parent discard us, that we double, triple and quadrupedal down on recognizing and NOT mimicking those venomous actions that drove us away to escape the abuse. And our kids SUPPORT us, and help carry and even defend us after watching the assault on our lives with their own eyes over the years.

Sorry for the length of the post if you've made it this far - I hope that you all find the peace and happiness that we all deserve!

Reciprocating what you regard as bad behaviour with bad behaviour of your own is not the way to behave.

I felt the same way when my parents divorced Summerlove. My father was, I found out, a serial adulterer and it was his behaviour that led to the breakdown of the marriage.

Yes I was angry at the time especially as the divorce had a terrible affect on my mum, I was 16 at the time but to go through life refusing to forgive a parent and then seek revenge by refusing to allow that parent a relationship with their GC is IMO a terrible way to behave.

Summerlove...of course your right adult children. Are entitled to their feelings.
Perhaps my view is from that...my son now age 49
Has never forgiven me for having an affair 39 yrs ago.........Hes carried that to this day...and finally got his revenge by stopping me from seeing my grandson.
So perhaps I am a bit bias..

Unhappy, even if our parents divorce once we are adults, that doesn’t mean that we don’t get to have feelings about it.

I was devastated when mine divorced, it turned out the wonderful family life I thought I had was a lie.

It’s easy to say that daughter is “not nice”, but we don’t know all the details

Minshy....why do you think youve been punished for leaving an unhappy marriage?
That took a lot of courage on your part...and u shouldn't put the blame of things that happened on yourself.
It must have been a difficult time for you....and surely your daughter should have supported you.
Please don't blame yourself.
I have mentioned in other posts...that sometimes we have to admit to ourselves..are children have grown into
Not very nice adults.
Staying in your unhappy marriage..would have meant you living a lie.
Give yourself a pat on the back..for being a strong woman.
Unfortunately your daughter appears not to have these traits.
Love yourself...and take care..

There must be a reason the son continued to go along with that.

Always more to a story