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Father refusing to see his son

(18 Posts)
Jl83 Sun 18-Aug-19 08:01:09

My friend got pregnant after a short relationship. Her partner refused to have anything to do with his son who is now 2 years old. How can she explain this to him as he doesn’t understand why his father has rejected him?

sodapop Sun 18-Aug-19 08:44:51

I think at two years old the child does not need any in depth explanation. Just that his father is not able to see him as he is not around at the moment
Your friend may well feel bitter towards the child's father but should try not to let this colour her later explanations to the boy.

PECS Sun 18-Aug-19 08:52:56

Unless the 2 year old is asking no need to say anything! To avoid the child feeling rejected, when they are old enough to know some families have 2 parents, I might choose to find books & stories about one parent families. I would not mention dad unless child asked. Then be factual. Dad was not planning to be a dad so I decided to grow you by myself & love you twice as much!

kittylester Sun 18-Aug-19 09:10:59

Sounds as if the child is better off without the father so long as the mother doesnt portray all men as bad fathers!

Jl83 Sun 18-Aug-19 10:43:57

I love your last comment. This might be sufficient at this stage in his life but what do you say when he is a little bit older ? Kids will want to know who their dad is, surely.

paddyann Sun 18-Aug-19 10:47:13

Sadly there are many men who do this ,its not right and its not fair,but theres nothing she can do about it.If he's at least financially supporting the baby then thats something but some refuse to do even that.
Maybe she should shame him on FB ,that usually has results .within their social group at least ,and the baby might have GP's who would like to be in his life .I hope she's not getting the usual nonsense about scrounging one parent(women) families while he walks about scot free .

glammanana Sun 18-Aug-19 10:59:41

Did the father of the child want a long term relationship with this lady or was it casual has he admitted paternity and have his name on the childs birth certificate and support the child.
This little one will meet other children as he grows up in the same situation and may not notice too much that he is from a one parent family as it is the norm nowadays and his mum will give him all the love he needs.

GG65 Mon 19-Aug-19 00:19:48

You should encourage your friend to seek advice from a counsellor/therapist on the best way to guide her son through this. No child should have to feel that they were/are not good enough for a parent.

This is really sad. I remember my children being 2 like it was yesterday. It is such a wonderful time in a child’s life. The father is an idiot.

BradfordLass72 Mon 19-Aug-19 09:05:16

Better a non-resident Dad than an angry and resentful one taking it out on the child and mother.

Bibbity Mon 19-Aug-19 09:18:37

Someone I know went with
‘Some people are just not good at benign daddies’ when they were little and that did for a while. As they got older and asked more answers she would elaborate more.

Don’t try and gloss it up. Don’t try and make him sound good. He’s not. If he wants to pop back up later. Great but he’s not here now and might never. And if he does he is accountable for his absence.

annsixty Mon 19-Aug-19 09:49:37

We cannot make men into Fathers if they don’t want to be one.
Of course he shouldn’t have had sex as that sometimes produces babies but it is too late for that.
The child is not missing a Father now,he has never had one.
I suspect that in the times we live in now,he will be no different to many of his friends as he gets older and will just accept it.

BlueBelle Mon 19-Aug-19 10:23:15

Don’t over egg it he’s only 2, he is used to not have a father so it won’t seem strange to him and he may have lots of friends with only one parent
Answer his questions as the come along as he gets older When he says why haven’t I got a dad you tell him that he has got a dad but he isn’t living nearby, that may be enough for that time or more questions may follow bit by bit answer them as honestly as possible without blackening the father (don’t forget the mother didn’t use protection either) when he is very much older you can review the situation if and when needed There are lots of books about different types of families and in today’s world there are many different types
Don’t look for problems I sometimes think it’s rarer to have a father around

Dee1012 Mon 19-Aug-19 10:49:17

My son is now 36, his 'father' walked out when I was pregnant.
He came to see my son when he was 3 day's old, my mum had left a message at his place of work just asking him to contact her.
From that day to this he's never been in contact, sent a birthday card, paid a penny towards his support.
I even wrote to his parents and said if they'd like to see my son, build a relationship with him then I'd be more than happy for them to do that... absolutely nothing!
My son asked a few questions when he started school, my response to him was I didn't know why his father didn't want to see him but I loved him very much etc etc.
He never asked again and now recently said he has no desire to see or meet his father.

Starlady Tue 20-Aug-19 11:17:09

Poor little fellow! And poor mum! But I doubt the boy has any idea that his father "rejected" him, he's only 2. If he even has that concept, I'm sorry, but chances are his (angry?) mum put it in his head. She needs to think of her child first, and keep her bitter feelings in check. She's not hurting anyone but her child if she lets him think he was "rejected" by his dad.

If he's asking where his dad is, I agree w/ others that it's best just to tell him that his dad can't be there now or something like that. IMO, she shouldn't glorify the man, but she shouldn't badmouth him either, otherwise, as the child gets older, he may come to fear that he may have this bad side in him too.

I would say as little as possible for now. Time enough to talk/explain more ad the child gets older.

Nonnie Tue 20-Aug-19 11:27:17

I agree with PECS just answer any questions about anything that the child asks, simply and age appropriately. When he is old enough to understand he will know other children with only one parent.

I do not agree with shaming on SM, how could that possibly help?

I do think the mother should seek financial help, if necessary with help from CAB etc. He has a responsibility.

I agree that it might be good to give the GPs a chance to know they child and they might offer some support in one way or another. They are not responsible for their son's behaviour.

GagaJo Tue 20-Aug-19 11:30:40

Same for my grandson. I try hard to be the 2nd loving person in his life. It IS sad though. He LOVES very masculine men and gazes longingly up at them when we're out.

But still, as a friend of mine put it, better 2 loving women than a mum and a crap dad.

Avor2 Sat 24-Aug-19 21:30:48

my ex left me when I was 4 months pregnant so I was alone when I gave birth. A few years later we were watching some children's programme of TV one afternoon and he just asked out of the blue 'what is a daddy?'(broke my heart) so I told him and said that his daddy loved him but not me so he didn't live with us, sadly his 'daddy' decided he wasn't going to visit us, until one day when my GS asked to see him (he was 21 by then) so he did, but that was it - all he told him was 'if you ever need me you know where I am' brilliant! his little world was quite shattered then, but now (he is 45!!!!!) he has moved on and he says that my lovely DH - his step dad, has done more for him than his birth father ever did, they are so close and all being well your friend will sort it out when the time is right, but NEVER say bad things about the baby's father. He will decide for himself in time. Tell the truth but never say it was anything to do with him. Best of luck xxxx

Jl83 Mon 26-Aug-19 10:59:51

Thanks for all your heartwarming and encouraging messages. Somehow we still cling to the idea of a happy home life with a mum and a dad. This probably shows my age !
I don’t understand that a dad would not want to see his son ever ! How cruel is that .
Will look for suitable books for him and avoid the ones where traditional family is being portrayed .