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Daughter (sorry this is long)

(14 Posts)
Jaybett Sat 31-Aug-19 13:53:48

I have 4 now adult children and divorced my ex in 2013 when my youngest daughter was starting uni.

Throughout the divorce my youngest daughter was absolutely awful to me saying it was all my fault even though it was not me who had numerous affairs. I was in hospital with meningitis and she visited me and wished me dead. I thought that once she had matured she would realise that I was never against her even though her father always undermined me for the last 5 years of the marriage.

I contacted her by email explaining that I would like to be in contact. The email I got back was truly vicious she stated that from a very early age she had disliked me and her father had never said anything to change her mind. When I look back she wasn’t loving like my other children just very independent. Has anyone else ever had a child who seemed distant from them at a very young age as I find this very strange?

Tangerine Sat 31-Aug-19 14:27:10

What a horrible response you have received. I feel very sorry for you.

What do her siblings think? Would they be able to ask her the meaning of it all?

wildswan16 Sat 31-Aug-19 15:21:48

I probably am not going to write what you want to read, but I think you just have to let this go.

For whatever reason she has decided not to like you. She may have valid reasons, or just be a stroppy and unkind young lady.

You have reached out to her, and I presume your other children know about the situation also. I don't think it is a good idea to involve them as go-betweens as hopefully this daughter will remain in contact with them.

I know it hurts but let her get on with her own life. Keep her in your heart and maybe one day she will be reconciled.

crazyH Sat 31-Aug-19 15:34:56

Was she a daddy's girl? Mine was and I remember her being torn between her dad and myself, when we were going through a divorce. But, I was her priority, since she was very aware of her father's adulterous affair, and that I had no money of my own . She accompanied me to one or two hearings, though it was difficult for her.
But to be frank, now that things have settled, i hardly see her.
She's busy with her own life. Sadly, she is also divorced now.
Your daughter is probably dealing with some dormant issues and will probably come round.
It's so hurtful, isn't it ? Hope things get better between your daughter and you .

Unhappy1 Sat 31-Aug-19 15:35:26

Jaybett....please don't blame yourself....sometimes hard as it is..our children
grow up to be not very nice human beings.
My son didn't speak to me for 14 yrs..over his father's will..which I had no part in..contacted me only because he needed
childcare...I did this for 5 yrs..when I could no longer do it....he cut me out again.....I'm recind to the's not me it's him...
So don't sit and cry for your daughter...she won't for you.
Having said all that...I do hope she reconciles with you.
Her loss if not..take care..

Sussexborn Sat 31-Aug-19 15:47:49

Perhaps she has inherited the same mindset as her Dad. Nothing you can do to change her mind but hopefully she will realise how unfair she’s been once she has more life experience. You can still love her even if you don’t like her.

Smileless2012 Sat 31-Aug-19 15:50:42

I too am sorry to read about your sadness Jaybett. I agree with wildswan, having reached out to your D and being rejected so cruelly, you must try and let her go and move on with your own life.

Enjoy the relationships you have with your other children. None of us knows what lies ahead, and how ever long we live, life is too short to be overshadowed by the cruelty of others, whoever they maybe.

She might mature in time, see the error of her ways and come back but in the meantime you have a life to live, to be enjoyed and with those you love who love you in return.

Grandma600 Sat 31-Aug-19 15:54:20

I am so sorry for your pain. My own daughter fell out with me over two years ago, saying some really hurtful things and accusing me (primarily) of ruining a previous relationship of wasn't true, and deep down she knows that, but the damage was done. Our relationship is barely there now. I haven't seen my precious grandsons for 2.5yrs. I live some 300 miles away and whenever I try to visit she makes some excuse and tells me it's not convenient. I have a good relationship with my two sons, who have tried talking to their big sister to get her to make up with me, but so far to no avail. It tears me apart. But I have a strong faith and pray that one day I shall be able to be reconciled with her and see my family whole again. I pray the same for you too

Jaybett Sat 31-Aug-19 16:20:29

Thanks for your support. The daughter I’m talking about only really talks to my eldest daughter as she thinks her other brother and sister aren’t on her side. I have never ever said a word against her to anyone so writing this was very difficult. I do so wish that everyone would be kind to each other but in the meantime I’m removing myself from the firing line.

Daisymae Sat 31-Aug-19 18:33:16

I think now that divorce is damaging no matter what the age of the children. In your case it's certainly time for your younger daughter to be left to her own devices. I doubt that you are going to be able to change her feelings,as sad as that may be. I would concentrate on your other children and make sure that your life is as full as possible. She may reach out to you in the future or not, but you need to leave that up to her. We have to play the cards that life has dealt, as sad or as difficult as it may be. You are not alone, many others are in a similar situation. Best wishes

TwentyTwenty Sat 31-Aug-19 19:03:43

I’m very sorry to hear about the awful assault from your daughter, Jaybett.

There are a great number of 20 somethings and 30 somethings these days that have acquired a damaged value system, and it seems to be degraded a bit more over time.. and I think the Faceflap and Instahoots, social media in general accelerates a lot of these deteriorated values and views. I hope that you find a way to have the peace and happiness that you deserve as you work through this.

I’m very thankful that my grown children are planets away from this epidemic viral disease.

Lyndyloo1 Sun 01-Sep-19 12:40:58

Jaybett. How sad for you, I do hope you are ok. There are so many of us in situations which cause us so much pain. My daughter is very distant towards myself and the hubby. She married 13 years ago, over the years she has become more and more selfish. The grand children were named after her in laws, we hardly ever see them, whilst the other grandparents get to spend lots of tine with the whole family.
When we go on holiday she never wishes us a happy time,mi hurt myself last week and fractured my toes, not once has she rung to ask how I am. I also suffer with depression but never get asked how I am.
My grandchildren are 11 and 9 years of age. In all that time we have looked after them three times for a few hrs,
For the sake of my own health and happiness I have vowed not to contact her, she now needs to make the first move.
She had a very stable and loving childhood, we have no idea why she is like this with us.
God bless you and give you strength.

Starlady Wed 11-Sep-19 23:19:50

My heart goes out to you, Jaybett! IMO, your YD (youngest daughter), as an adult should realize that your divorce was between you and your XH. (ex-husband) and not up for her evaluation. And for you to reach out to her only to get a (figurative) slap in the fact like that - oh! - I'm just so sorry!

It seems she has other issues w/ you besides the divorce, even if they don't make sense to you. If she suspects that two of her siblings are "not on her side," then, she must have discussed it w/ them and gotten the impression that they don't agree w/ her.

Regardless, I'm going to chime in with the other posters and say you need to let go of her now and move on w/ your own life. Enjoy your other AC and GC and cherish your time w/ them. Hugs!

My heart also goes out to the others here in similar situations.

Smileless, beautiful post!

BradfordLass72 Thu 12-Sep-19 06:14:18

Hello Jaybett

Yes, there are people who are born distant and stay that way. They 'take against' others for no reason other than what's in their own minds.
This, it seems, is what has happened to your daughter.

I don't think it is anything at all to do with the divorce because it began long before that.

This has always been a problem to parents everywhere - even Shakespear wrote about it in King Lear.

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child."

So you are not alone smile if that's any consolation.