Thoughts and opinions:

X

Strong backs and kind hearts are needed by us all.

Rosecarmel, I just found my glasses and I thought you should know!

I also read an interesting article today about what does and doesn't constitute a healthy disagreement:

Anyone who makes a disagreement personal by name calling, disparaging the other person, displays contempt for their point of view or threatens in some way is toxic/abusive.

I'm glad you found your glasses-

I agree with what you shared from the article- Unfortunately, when two people have different views the discussion can easily become personal- Either directly or passive aggressively-

Like indirectly accusing members of abusing the forum and having two meberships, posing as two different individuals, because of a difference of opinion-

I don't believe toxicity is a constant thing in most relationships- Although some more so than others- But the very fact that it isn't constant I think presents an opportunity to love something about a person with toxic tendencies- Even if loving a memory of them from a safe distance-

Horrible isn't always what people are at all times-

I think everyone says things they don't mean when they are angry... Well, maybe not everyone

Reading through this post (and observing it's deterioration) I realise how lucky I am. I noted how my earlier help with how to put it out of it's misery was ignored - and on it went.

My unfortunate childhood doesn't dictate who I now am. I packed up all my grievances and disappointments long ago, kicked it to the kerb and carried on. Some had it far worse than me, few had an ideal upbringing. My happy soul would never be destroyed. I saw my tormentors for exactly what they were, traumatised and ill, victims themselves. There is nowhere to pin the blame, yet I 'won'.

Others haven't been able to simply remember, yet remove themselves and leave it all behind. They carry the hurt and injury every day of their lives, a heavy, depressing, unsettling cargo that blights their interactions with others and destroys their joy. My heart goes out to them. It's such a shame!

Hetty58 , an excellent post, thank you. I agree with you 100% 're "carrying the hurt and injury every day"; it damages no one apart from the estranged adult child and eventually becomes the thing that defines them. Such a waste that a life of achievements is allowed to become subjugated because of past resentments; far better to get the very best from life that you can and prove them wrong.

As another poster said, the best revenge is a life well lived. Dragging all that resentment around for a lifetime damages no one but the owner of the resentment. Not for me thanks!

I've worked on a lot of things and achieved more than I thought possible without contact. I've been to therapy and counselling. I've qualified in my career of choice and I am working towards a higher level. I lost 2 stone. I'm a better friend, mother and wife.

Unfortunately I have an anxiety disorder which, while improved immensely, still blights your existence. There are many studies that show that children who have been abused as I have, physically, sexually and emotionally, suffer changes to the brain that possibly can't be undone.

I am also ASD.

Despite that I have remained a happy, optimistic person most of the time and I am surrounded by love.

So please feel free to be amazing but, what I have achieved is of no less worth just because I still have some issues to contend with.

I'm very interested in this thread but no time at the moment for a longer reply. Just a response to the last couple of posts to say that, in my experience, in order to move on, you hace to forgive and you can't do that until you understand. For some, that's a step too far, perhaps the damage went too deep or the perpetrator is still alive thus feeding hopes of resolution. If the latter is now dead, then its only in your head that you have to come to terms with what happened and find resolution. I think its not fair to suggest people are carrying an unnecessary burden, we can't walk in another's shoes etc. You have to learn self compassion and to love your own inner child. Love to all who are suffering.

I don't know that being shaped by past events is the same as carrying unnecessary baggage- But I do know that carrying on with confidence often rubs people the wrong way that are currently hurting, no matter if their wounds are old or new-

It's not revenge- It's never intended to be, yet seems to be a repeating theme-

But there's hope, I think- Neglect can shape a person into an engaged observer, a person who notices what others overlook- So the situation that caused the pain also provided the insight to "see" one's self out of the situation- Should the individual choose to get out of it ..

Bloody hell, the blatant passive aggressive bullying of Lostchild and Rosecarmel is so apparent I am shocked to see only one person calling it out. To accuse either of being the other when there is a blatantly fake EC in the mix on the attack is actually laughable. Especially after I have seen comments in line with my view that there are no sides in this unfortunate and painful estrangement business.

Shame on you.

Lostchild to answer your questions

Estrangement is sometimes the only option

Reasonable measures to communicate your needs should be attempted

Being unhappy despite communicating needs justifies estrangement

I disagree notentirely , I think you could drive yourself quite mad trying to understand some people. Especially the ones that believe their own lies so you cant even listen to their accounts of things.

I think you can only understand and control your own behaviour and boundaries

Who are the posters you are referring too as fake EC RBW?

Chewbacca in particular has been posting on GN in general and on the estrangement threads from the perspective of an estranging AC for some time.

Where have you seen "blatant passive aggressive bullying of LostChild and Rosecarmel"?

You should back up the accusations you've made.

In many ways, I'm out of my depth with this thread, it seems to be going all over the place. I don't for instance, know who the blatantly fake EC is?

I don't understand: I do know that carrying on with confidence often rubs people the wrong way that are currently hurting, no matter if their wounds are old or new
Does this mean confidence like 'whistling a happy tune'? Anyone suffering as so many are on this thread, probably has low self esteem and little confidence so does it mean pretend confidence? Does it mean that appearing confident (even if you don't feel it) will knowingly upset those who are struggling to deal with their hurt?

I agree Raisedbywolves that: there are no sides in this unfortunate and painful estrangement business.

I agree notanan that you can go quite mad trying to understand other people. I suppose I'm thinking of learning to forgive a post war generation (in my case) for how they behaved which required some understanding of their lives, their own childhood and life experience which has helped me towards understanding.

Quite a few of you are dealing with current estrangement issues and hurts from those who are still living. I have no experience of people who believe their own lies, I suppose you mean see things differently and you think they're wrong. It sounds like the current thread running on narcissism which I struggled with earlier.

I generally believe that people are doing their best but may be deeply hurt themselves or behaving according to a value system that is so different and to which they slavishly adhere that communication becomes impossible. In which case, deciding to remove oneself from their orbit is the best option.

It would be nice to think that we can understand and control our own behaviour and boundaries but can we be secure in our own self understanding? I know that in my life, having had a pretty terrible set of things happen in my childhood, that it has taken a lifetime and various patches of counselling to really understand myself. That doesn't stop me thinking that I still have things to learn and I expect things to change again as life changes. I think it's true that you can only change yourself.

"Who are the posters you are referring too as fake EC RBW?"

You know exactly who. You answered the question in your next statement.

"You should back up the accusations you've made."

Don't need to. Its all there in black and white for anyone with half a brain.

Don't start on me love. I see you.

Think I'll just leave this thread to peter out naturally.........

You do that Chewbacca/Smileless. You do that.

I see you too RBW you accuse a poster here on GN of being a fake EC but don't say who.

And yes, you do need to back up the accusations you've made, if you can't or wont then you shouldn't make them. Don't imply that others lack the intellect to know what or to who you refer too. You've made accusations so give examples of the passive aggressive bullying you have seen.

There's too much of this on GN and on the estrangement threads in particular. Iron fists in silk gloves.

I see you and I am not your love.

Don't blame you Chewbacca but I think I'll stick around.

A thoughtful post notentirelyallhere.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

If there are some who are made to feel uncomfortable by my posts, they don't have to read them.

This is an open forum, one which I have been posting on for nearly 7 years so no, I wont give it a rest.

So, you are accusing me of bullying! Show me when and where.

There's nothing rude about my posts. I certainly wouldn't have the audacity to tell another poster to stop posting on particular threads. I don't allow those who make me feel uncomfortable to dictate what I can and cannot do.

You find me "literally hilarious" well that's something I suppose. Can't say I find anything remotely hilarious about you RBW.

Oh. I don't know what to make of any of this so I am going to bed.