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Thoughts and opinions:

(399 Posts)
LostChild Wed 04-Sep-19 17:32:21

What are your thoughts on estrangement?

What measures should be attempted before estrangement?

What in your opinion, justifies estrangement?

Smileless2012 Fri 20-Sep-19 08:29:32

Refuting an allegation of a fake EC isn't telling someone else's story rosecarmel.

I interpreted that post as Chewbacca who was being referred too so I pointed out that she's been a poster here on GN for sometime and her 'story' is well known to regular posters on the estrangement threads.

I'd rather be "we we we we all the way home" than 'me me me me'.

notentirelyallhere Fri 20-Sep-19 08:49:42

All this creates paranoia doesn't it. I thought it was me who was being accused of bullying and other things first, then I saw that other thread that started off being all gung ho hello and then it went rather sour. I am not a fake EC in case it needs saying though I am pretty much estranged from my brother and, had she lived longer, I might have become estranged from my mother though I think I loved her too much to do that to her. Crikey, I am feeling gobsmacked at the intricacies of subterfuge on social media but I suppose we do live in a world of misinformation.

Starlady Fri 20-Sep-19 09:13:24

Chewy, I'm sorry about your estrangement, but glad you feel it was beneficial for you and your own family unit. Also glad that you have found comfort and support here.

Sorry, LC, that you sometimes feel unwelcome. Also sorry about your struggles with anxiety and ASD.

Hetty, I love your post about moving on and not letting the past define you. However, I think some people need to hold onto the anger a little bit to protect them from the offender. If they let it go, they become/feel they will become too open to having the same offender hurt them all over again. Their anger helps them to keep that person away and prevent further pain.

London, your sister is clearly a cruel, abusive person. I don't blame you for cutting her off. Hugs!

yes, notentirelyallthere, I, too, have heard of posters who create second IDs to back them up. Sometimes, I think those who do this also create the 2nd ID to say some things they don't want associated with their regular username. I just hope that hasn't happened here.

notentirelyallhere Fri 20-Sep-19 09:35:21

Thanks Starlady for your post, I like your second paragraph.

Just so it's clear, I'm going to say something - I have mostly avoided the estrangment threads because I have CPTSD because of what's happened to me in life. It's made me very fragile and my counsellor at the moment is my outlet and safe place. I joined this thread simply because I read the opening post in an idle moment and wanted to add something supportive.

I'm glad for those who find support on these threads but I'm going to return to commenting generally on GN when I see something that arouses my interest. Although there is estrangement in my family, I personally don't find it helpful to keep going over it, I try to distract myself with other things. I wish you all the best and would emphasize that I am not a false poster nor am I someone desiring to spread anything other than healing and kindness.

LostChild Fri 20-Sep-19 11:05:06

I want to thank all the people who have been supportive on this post. I think I wanted perspective from a mixed group instead of just other ECs. This has all happened because of 3 bereavements in the past 4 months. One of them was my husbands brother who he hadn't seen for a long time because of his mother. He has now decided to Cut off his mother again as she is an alcoholic and the drunken abusive behaviour started again and the constant demands for time and money we don't have. We can't have that around our children. Watching him go through all that really brought my mum to the front of my mind again and suddenly my issues seemed to pale in comparison. I managed to get an emergency counselling appointment and I have some exercises in place to help me manage the guilt and the sadness. If I can avoid anti depressants again that would be amazing.

LostChild Fri 20-Sep-19 11:07:37

Sometimes you just don't realise how low you have been feeling until it starts to improve.

LondonGranny Fri 20-Sep-19 11:18:52

It's more common than you think. It's called 'sockpuppetry'. I've seen it on twitter. Sometimes it's really obvious eg consistent misspelling of a particular word or quirky punctuation.

LostChild Fri 20-Sep-19 11:26:18

Me and Rosecarmel definitely aren't sock puppets. I mean, this forum is anonymous as it is! Why would anyone need to do that?

Hetty58 Fri 20-Sep-19 11:34:52

It was very obvious (but entirely unnecessary) on another forum. Matching odd punctuation too! Eventually, I asked why two people would always be commenting next to each other on a thread. 'They' answered that they chatted on the phone every day while also on the forum. Yea, right!

LostChild Fri 20-Sep-19 11:37:55

I can sound not like me though because in subjects that catch my attention I can monologue and give people a huge info dump of remembered information. Probably best never to ask me about butterflies, arts and crafts or cats. I am trying very very hard not to do that here though.

LostChild Fri 20-Sep-19 11:41:32

To be fair Hetty, I used to do that with a friend back in the early days of social media. Sometimes we do copy punctuation from others. Also I point blank swore to myself I would never use "lol" and they did eventually creep in much to my horror.

RaisedByWolves Fri 20-Sep-19 12:24:38

I got a slap on the wrist for "personal comments". One thing I cant abide in life is a bully. I will call it out, to the bully and to gransnet in future. Only one of my comments was deleted. The rest were fair.

LostChild Fri 20-Sep-19 12:32:52

RBW. Please just leave it alone. It's just making it harder. I appreciate the thought, but I can stick up for myself.

Smileless2012 Fri 20-Sep-19 13:43:42

notentirelyallhere you've made some thought provoking posts about the issue of estrangement and I for one would like to thank you for your contribution.

It's a shame IMO that you felt you needed to say you're not a false poster; can't imagine that anyone could of thought you were.

I post on other forums so hope to see again in the future.

You learn something every day. I'd never heard of 'sockpuppetry' LondonGrannyshock. There have been times when it's been obvious that some posters have pm'd one another, when a single poster seems to be targeted by bullies. That's bad enough but to create a fake identity!!

LostChild Fri 20-Sep-19 15:57:16

My daughter was being bullied at school, over her bag of all things, all the girls had a certain bag and she chose a different one. It wasn't hugely apparent, it was whispering behind hands and looking and laughing and indirect comments about "people who don't have the right bags" and walking into her "by accident". My daughter knows some older girls who stepped in because she was crying every day. It just made the situation worse, bullying the bullies who then took it out on my daughter more. My daughter became more and more fed up and defensive. I told her, just have it out with them! Just tell them how bad you feel. So she did. One of the girls was horrified and really apologetic. The other just turned it all around on my daughter. Guess which girl has no friends now?

Eventually if someone is a bully, it becomes apparent to everyone, but not if you bully them back.

rosecarmel Fri 20-Sep-19 17:16:27

I think the subject of estrangement can be discussed without dwelling in the past- It has so many layers and dynamics, each story presenting a unique experience as well as methods used for navigating through issues that arose from either walking away or being walked away from- Something new can be learned from each person's story- And the reasons above are precisely why I question the practice of mashing the story tellers together as a group, forming and reinforcing static views and labeling it support- What are the benefits?

LostChild Fri 20-Sep-19 17:32:38

Rosecarmel, sometimes people share stories as a show of empathy-I know how you feel.

Sometimes people share stories for validation-is it OK I feel this way

Sometimes people share stories to make a point-this is my experience

Sometimes people share stories to defend themselves-this was not ok and this is why I did what I did

Sometimes people share stories to get support-help me feel better about this

Sometimes people share stories as a warning-this is what you should look out for

So many more different reasons I expect

rosecarmel Fri 20-Sep-19 18:04:19

RaisedByWolves, I think when someone identifies and points out a pattern their aim is to be of assistance, to bring attention to something that anyone could not only easily overlook but also be ensnared by-

I do think there are benefits to standing up for others- Determining when to do so, and how to, I think can be tricky- Sometimes asking questions has a snowball effect- A question gets asked, the one being asked becomes defensive, and >snap<, just like that, the questioner is then a bully!

I appreciate your efforts- smile

rosecarmel Fri 20-Sep-19 18:46:53

I'm fairly certain there are ways to determine if one member is posting as two-

rosecarmel Fri 20-Sep-19 19:07:13

Smileless, when someone uses the word "we" when expressing "their" personal views, it's very much a "me me me" centered statement-

LostChild Fri 20-Sep-19 19:07:35

I think maybe we have both been ostracised anyway Rose

rosecarmel Fri 20-Sep-19 19:36:32

Here is something to accompany useless lyrics ..

"In spring, hundreds of flowers; in autumn, a harvest moon;
In summer, a refreshing breeze; in winter, snow will accompany you.
If useless things do not hang in your mind,
Any season is a good season for you."


rosecarmel Sat 21-Sep-19 14:04:02

Unsolicited advice- Its a very, very common occurrence- Even people who advocate against it fall into the trap- Its a part of every day life- Yet it makes the list of reasons for estrangement-

It's a perpetual process of people telling each other who to be-