ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

They are who I said they are.

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Well, that was a weird 20 minutes or so Confusedfor7years has pm'd me thanks for that, and it's a case of mistaken identity on both sides.

Phew!!!

OMG I think I know who you are I've pm'd you, can you respond privately.

As I said, Take care A xx. I hope one day things get better x.

OMG Confusedfor7years I don't know what to say. I was just saying to Mr. S. that it's very strange that someone would know in so much detail, what happened 7 years ago this Christmas Eve when I haven't mentioned it for some time.

Your user name, we've also been confused for 7 years.

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Rebellious, I tried to inbox you but it doesn't work. Are you still here? I would really love a copy of the info that was in your post that was deleted. Sorry it was removed. I think it just came at a bad time.

I knew my mum was exceptional from a very early age with our family set up. Trouble is she didn’t like fuss and mistrusted flattery. ?

Thank you, Ohmother. I wish I had realised how exceptional she was at the time, but of course you only realise much later when you are a parent yourself.

GrannySomerset. What a lovely appreciative thing to say about your mother. She raised a good un. ??

Being a much loved child meant that I coped with poverty and being orphaned at sixteen. Because I had been loved I found it easy to accept kindness and affection without feeling I was being given more than my due, and although I married very young I was clearly a good picker, because 57 years later here we still are.

I do believe that giving children the message that they are worthy of love goes a long way towards helping them become trustworthy and reliable adults, and means that not all unhappy circumstances have to be repeated. As I get older I admire my mother more and more for the way she encouraged me to be myself - and to like myself (most of the time!)

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think resilience is partly genetic, but like everything it can be modified by nurture.

As a child, doctors commented on the calm way I dealt with a difficult and embarrassing medical condition. Internally I realised at a very young age that it was best never to make a bad situation worse by the way I dealt with it. It was an instinctive reaction. I did also have loving and supportive parents.

My DGD hasn't inherited that family gene. The earlist photos of her when only hours old show her face crumpled into a worried look. In the years since home and school have consciously worked with her and encouraged her and at 12 she is now confident and resilient, but like us all has her momentary wobbles.

Distancing yourself from an abusive parent is not even half the work. It prevents further pain but it doesn't undo the damage. We have to do the work to undo that. I think that's why some struggle so much still.

A few years ago, there was a documentary film about ACE's and childhood adversity that went around the alternative cinema circuit.

It was called Resilience and was made by James Redford, the son of Robert Redford. Here's a link to a review of the film which makes the content clear: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/29/how-bad-parenting-can-knock-20-years-off-your-life

I'm not sure whether/where the film is still available but this is the official website kpjrfilms.co/resilience/

The film made clear the public health research linking chronic disease in later life to adverse childhood experiences. The science is clear, even if you think you're fine, what happened may appear in illness. There is a fascinating book I saw shared on here the other day, The Body Keeps the Score by B van der Kolk which sets out why. Here's a summary conscioused.org/books/the-body-keeps-the-score-bessel-van-der-kolk-review-summary

Agnurse's posts on page 2 are helpful. I believe there is now a programme in US schools intended to help children build resilience which focuses on helping them to talk about difficulties in their lives (parents divorcing, domestic violence, deaths, bullying etc) and to be heard by various means such as art or words or play. I think the effects of these things on children are vastly underestimated. Although I partly agree that surviving these things may make you stronger, I also hear an echo of 'my parents beat me and it never did me any harm' and then those same people beat their children or send them to schools where they get beaten!

Thankyou, that was an over share really and I should have left that story..

Goodness petra 5 wives in allwell he was certainly a glutton for punishment as well as for wedding cake.

You still see wife number 2! Isn't it strange how the most unlikely of friendships can be formed and how long they can last

Starblaze, I'm deeply grateful that you didn't kill you and that the love and support that found you helped you to strengthen you to move forward, be resilient and be here now-

I won't comment on your mother other than to express that many have or had experienced similar-

I am so sorry to read that Starblaze. I would assume that was a short time after you left the family home. Quite typical behaviour for a narcissistic mother, to both withhold needed medical treatment and to punish a child for leaving the home and their control. I assume you had left the home as you mention her address.

You have found resilience and deep inner strength just as many others here have. Keep building upon that. We are glad too that you survived.

Brilliant, Smileless ?
In fact I still see wife number 2 ( the one I found hiding)
I was the first person she phoned when she found out that he had his eye on wife number 3.
He had 5 wives in all ? He loved a bit of wedding cake.

Sorry petra or maybe I should apologise to MOnica for thinking she broke her ex's ankle.

Good to know that you're still very friendly; possibly the right way to be if he wants to protect his ankles.

Smileless
It was me who broke the ex's ankle, not MOnica. Btw we are still very friendly ? He was lucky that he was over a foot taller than me otherwise it would have been his head.