ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

I really dont think "doing the opposite" = breaking the cycle. Breaking the cycle means being neutral and unaffected by past traumas, whereas "doing the opposite" is actually focusing on the traumas and becoming dogmatic as a result. "The opposite" of a bad parenting practice isnt nevessarily a good parenting practice, because you can end up going too far to the other end of spectrum which can be just as bad

I looked at the website, but none of the descriptors matched any reason why I had a challenging childhood. Our mother was very sick after the birth of my younger sister and that left me with a very strong sense that I did not want to be ill whilst my DD was young. I did not want her to go through what we three sisters experienced.

Mother died on my 21st birthday and scars from that kind of experience run deep. No one's fault; no bad parenting; no neglect, as we were often cared for by aunties, in fact I lived with one auntie for a long time whilst my sister was a baby, but it wasn't 'normal'.

Mother laughed a lot in spite of everything and whenever I think of her, I see her laughing. Mum and Dad both laughed a lot and perhaps that mitigates against the worst of the pain that I remember their laughter.

It's a difficult process for sure but doable- (Resilience is a beautiful thing) Similar to how lifestyle and diet changes can improve depression-

I think that link, while not psychbabble, plays to current concerns. You can be in a position where you suffer none of the above but still have a difficult childhood.

Among the items not mentioned on the list are the effects on a child of long term health problems or having a sibling with a disabilty or long term illness, separation from your family for a significant period, by beeing in hospital or having a paret who is absent from home; in the navy or merchant navy, or someone with a job that takes them away from home.

However some children seem to come through all kinds of difficult childhoods without letting it ruin their future lives.

On the otherhand some children will see problems where none existed.

The human psyche is resilient and adaptable.

Hetty

I think my brother was less confrontational than me, so just kept under the radar!

I too, after a difficult childhood, would automatically do things very differently from my parents (perhaps making different mistakes). Still, I believe there are hundreds of 'right' ways to bring up children.

I have a friend who was badly neglected as a child and is permanently damaged by it. She's been an excellent mother, though. Her brother had the exact same upbringing, but (perhaps due to his personality) was never troubled by it. We are so individual that there are many different paths we can take.

Some people are stronger than they know. They find and nurture their own support systems and the resulting love and security undoes the trauma.

My brother always says, when in any doubt about how to deal with one of his children, he always thinks about what our parents would have done, and does the opposite.

He’s a very good father, and his children are an absolute credit to him and my sister in law.

We had a rather cold upbringing, but I don’t think either of us has carried it through to the next generation.

It's not psychobabble. The need to practice "trauma-informed care" in treating complex cases (by doctors and other professionals) is becoming more and more accepted.

I was quite traumatised by my childhood until I was, I don't know, 25-30. But fortunately, the effects wore off eventually. I assumed I'd be affected permanently, but nope. I may have residual traces, but I genuinely think I've left it behind now.

This is amazing, I've done so much reading and worked a lot on resilience with a counsellor and it changed me as a parent. We are so fortunate to have so much more access to help these days!

Psychobabble is the misuse of psychology terms that create confusion, which this is not aggie.

I hope you can open your mind a little some day, it can only be of benefit to you and others around you.

"Fortunately, brains and lives are somewhat plastic. The appropriate integration of resilience factors born out of ACE concepts — such as asking for help, developing trusting relationships, forming a positive attitude, listening to feelings — can help people improve their lives."

This is what is needed to turn it around and break the cycle as well as repair the brain. A cycle cannot be broken while abuse is continues so Estrangement is sometimes necessary.

Very interesting. Having been brought up in the 1950s/60s I think parenting was typically very different back then. I remember no hugs or expressions of affection from my parents. My father regularly smacked me. I was forced to eat meat. Only when I got to my early teens did this stop. I must say, I remember it vividly and that's why I was so fond of my kind grandparents. When I had my children I smacked them as I thought it was normal. If I had them now I wouldn't dream of it. I am quite needy and emotional - who knows if this is my nature or my upbringing.

Pscycobabble