How to understand why my daughter cut me off?

love0c, Do what you feel happiest with. If you want to talk, do so. If you do not, don't.

Thanks MOnica. As I posted I struggle so many times on what to do for the best. I have two very good friends who I talk to. They always seem to give the opposite to each other of what I should do! Hence, I am still left in a quandary. One says 'say nothing' and one says 'talk about it'.

loveOC By Least said soonest mended, I was referring to trying to make contact with her daughter, not more broadly not discussing it with others.Therapy can help in these circumstances as can talking to friends and family.

I agree I did not make myself clear.

Your post is very vague and you do not say what you told her and what happened -not that I am asking you to give details.

Your daughter is so young and went through so much. She needs time to heal. How much time? I am afraid there is no formula to calculate it.

You asked why to understand how your dd cut you off.
Only you know the answer. We cannot tell you why. There is not enough information in your posts to pinpoint reasons.

"One of the last times I saw her a actually went down on my knees and begged her to forgive me, she walked away. "
This is very dramatic. This could be why she doesn't want to see you in person. I cannot even imagine how uncomfortable it must have been for your dd.

I am afraid you are confusing forgiveness with reconciliation. A person may forgive somebody - make peace with the past- and choose a different path for the future.

Forgive does not mean you forget what happen.

Your dd and you are different people. Trying to predict her actions based on what you would do is realistic

Think about it: the plate (your relationship with your dd) is already broken and even if the pieces are put together again, it is not the same plate. It has scars that are there and forgiveness (the glue) won't change that.

Wish her happy birthday. Give her the space she asks for. Respect her decisions as the adult she is

You need more therapy to deal with the aftermath of your past. Take care of yourself first, everything else will fall into place

Just to add, I never said that I said incredibly hurtful things. I said mean things but nothing like I hate you or your a loser or all you do is make wrong decisions. I made a mistake! This was not done over and over again. Her whole life I told her how Beautiful she was how proud of her I was. She was an amazing child and is an amazing woman. She is super smart and I was giving her a hard time about drinking and smoking pot. I always wanted the best for her and I didn’t want her to have drinking problems because it runs in the family( not me I don’t really drink).

Now that I have been hammered by this site with exception of a few people who I truly admire to be able to give advice that is both caring and supportive of both people involved I will let all of you get back to your own perfect lives where you have never made a mistake or cause your child to get pissed off at you because you are worried about their safety and their future.

I also do not like being called a lier! I said I would leave her alone and I will. It’s not like I stalked her daily. Jeez. I guess this is why I never joined a forum for this before.

Again I do really want to thank the people that gave me nice advice without battering me.

How do I prove myself if she won’t talk to me?

By giving her the space you said you would. Don’t make a liar out of yourself.

You said that you said incredibly hurtful things. Yes you’ve apologised, but that doesn’t mean she’s required to forgive or forget. Your daughter isn’t you.

Respect her space

Good luck

Thank you so very much for this. I really appreciate it.

Psychiatrist, whichever one prescribed meds.

Anyways, thank you all for the input. I just came here to feel a little better about not talking to her and try to learn how to deal with my feelings. I feel I went off topic and the title was probably wrong. I understand leaving her alone is best and that’s what I am trying to do. I have come a long way from crying daily over losing her. I’m sorry I thought talking and asking questions would help but it seems it made me more upset.

Again thank you all for taking the time to respond and I will take all your advice. Have a great night wishing you all the best.

I don't think anyone would be able to really help you understand why without knowing what you said but I can think of some advice.

I really wouldn't look for her online, if she finds out it may push her further away.

You acknowledge you hurt her but how much of your hurt are you showing her in emails? If you are coming across as frantic then she may not trust you are better and recovered. She may not trust you understand her hurt if you make yours bigger.

Personally, I would reach out well in advance of any special occasions. If she is not ready to talk, an email on her birthday may ruin the day and make it upsetting.

Keep contact light. Stop apologising unless she mentions an event you should apologise for.... Ask how she is, mention a small piece of news. Normal conversation. If she replies, don't leap on it... Draw it out, wait a few hours.. Don't make her feel hounded.

Remember we need someone to be a mum, not another friend. Don't unload your baggage on her.

Maybe see a counsellor instead of a therapist and talk the emotion out with them so you can be strong for your daughter.

Hope that helps x

Ok I will leave her alone. She is 21. I’m sorry it wasn’t a therapist it was a psychologist. I was going 3x a week. I didn’t object to the meds because I figured they knew best. My doctor and my family stepped in because I couldn’t think or talk right and I would just fall asleep. So yes my doctor didn’t like it and I am much better now in that respect because I am not on all that stuff.

I do not try and make contact with her via anyone else.

I guess how I am saying all this makes me sound like a psycho mom but I have given her a lot of space.

I will leave her alone.

Yes, just a Birthday card.

Your doctor doesn’t want you to see a therapist because of the medications you were put on? That doesn’t make sense. Therapists don’t prescribe medications, doctors do, and you don’t have to take a medication if you disagree with the prescriber. Leave your daughter alone. Stop trying to make contact with her via anyone else. Send one email to her to wish her a happy birthday and then stop. She sounds like she’s quite young and your breakdown happened during a very vulnerable time in her youth.

Ok I haven’t emailed or anything since July 4. I will just wish her a happy birthday in November and that’s it.

Thank you

Curlysports

I can see how much pain you are in, but I promise that begging and pleading are unlikely to do any good.
As others have said, give her some space, we obviously don’t know what has happened between you, but it’s obviously hurt her very much.

Was in therapy for 4 years. My doctor doesn’t want me to go back because they put me in so many drugs. I talk to him. I was hoping a forum could be a kind of therapy for me just to talk to other people that know how I feel.

Thank you, I also hope things get better soon.

I can’t get her a gift because she won’t see me. I can’t sit and talk because she won’t, I would do anything to be able to see her beautiful face, hear her beautiful voice. A hug, oh what I would do for a hug.

Good advice here Curlysports let things settle down now.
I think you do need some help yourself with your anxiety etc. Talk to your Dr and get some counselling. I hope things get better for you soon.

I don’t understand. I admit that. Isn’t talking how you fix things? I can have constructive conversation without understanding everything. I don’t know what she is going through but I want to as her mom.

No we don’t live in the same town but she isn’t far away but I feel like that is pushing it. She doesn’t want me to know her address so I have to think she doesn’t want me to just show up. Believe me I have thought about it a hundred times but I have also read and asked a lot of people what to do and they say I shouldn’t show up at her home if she is unwilling to meet somewhere. Like I said I have not seen her in 2 years and I would say probably only 5 emails from her( one liners mostly) compared to my 20 or so over that 2 year time frame. She ignores most of what I send. One of the last times I saw her a actually went down on my knees and begged her to forgive me, she walked away. I can’t imagine what I said hurt her so bad that she feels this way. I didn’t verbally abuse her through there life and I can admit I did wrong and regret it tremendously.

Curly, your desire to be understood is only human- But if your daughter isn't ready mentally to understand herself, no less someone else, it wouldn't be the right effort to force her to try to- And if you can't understand that she isn't ready, I hesitate to think that you are ready to have a constructive discussion with her- Do you understand?

I sent post cards to her every week with just the words I love you on them but she moved and she won’t tell me where she lives even though I know where she lives. She also won’t tell my father which is odd because he didn’t do anything to her. She told him she still lives on campus at her college. Why lie? It’s not like with the internet you can’t find someone if you want to.

She knows everything that happened to me and she knows the drugs they put me on. She helped me through a lot of it. She was always so caring with a huge heart but it left her senior year in high school. I was physically assaulted so they put me on crazy stuff. I am off all of that now.

I love her so much and it makes me hurt so bad.

Yes, of course wish her a Happy Birthday and buy her a little meaningful present. You have to be there quietly and lovingly to make her understand that you love her, that you are her mother. What happened in the past should remain in the past. Have a talk, a cry and then move on and start having fun again together.

Curlysports, don't give up hope. We all say things in the heat of the moment, especially mothers and daughters. Let things cool down.
In the meanwhile, write a well thought letter. Tell her you love her. She told you she loved you; now that's a lot, isn't it? Forget about therapy.... do you live in the same town ? Just go and knock on her door - that's what I do if I've had a little upset with my daughter. I go to her house, put the kettle on and after an initial awkward silence, we start rattling on as if nothing ever happened.
I can't understand what you said and did, was so bad, that she decided to break away from you.
Families fall out all the time. My older son and daughter don't get on at the best of times, but I know they love each other. At the moment, there's a Cold War going on. Love +Hate = Family.
I wish you all the best !

Ok. Her birthday is in November do I wish her a Happy Birthday? I know silly question I just have no clue.

I remember a play on TV once which depicted a situation like yours. The mother said to her child that she was sorry for things she had said but she had said them when she was in a dreadful state and feeling almost mad due to circumstances at the time. Could you try to explain how you were feeling when you said certain things but that nothing bad was meant and that you are different now. Please don't give up. Keep trying. It is never too late. Keep telling her how much you love her - I am certain she will respond sooner or later. It would take a very hard-hearted person not to. Why not write an actual letter rather than an email.