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How to understand why my daughter cut me off?

(62 Posts)
Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 19:20:32

I am in need of help. I have not seen my daughter in almost 2 years. She was my life. I went through some pretty serious things at work and was put on heavy duty mental drugs. I said and did a lot of things I shouldn’t have, I accept that. I have apologized and begged for her to give me a chance but she won’t. I don’t know what to do. I have such sadness and anger all at the same time. Someone please lead me in the right direction. My heart breaks daily.

agnurse Mon 30-Sep-19 19:32:50

If she's an adult, and she doesn't want you to contact her, for now, you need to leave her alone.

If she hasn't specifically asked for no contact, or simply hasn't responded, I think sending a short note every 6 months or so might not hurt.

But if she has specifically told you not to contact her, you need to respect that. If you continue to contact her against her wishes, you're likely to push her even further away. Instead, wait for her to come to you.

Keep in mind that she has healing to do as well, and she may not be at a point where she is ready to forgive you.

M0nica Mon 30-Sep-19 20:18:05

I second everything that agnurse has said. Least done soonest mended.

Take your self in hand, find other outlets for your time and your emotions to enable you to build a life of your own. Of course the absence of your DD will always be there, but meanwhile find a way of living without her and not permanently dwelling on her absence.

love0c Mon 30-Sep-19 20:25:15

MOnica that saying 'Least said soonest mended' to me is very ambiguous. Sometimes surely it is better to talk, to explain, clear the air etc. I have repeated that so often to myself but so many times I wonder would it have been better to have spoken. Otherwise things build up and then something happens and it is 'the straw that broke the camels back'. I think I will never get it right.

EllanVannin Mon 30-Sep-19 20:35:48

It can be very hard to forgive and forget so easily when you've been hurt badly, especially when it's your own flesh and blood.
For the time being I'd let sleeping dogs lie and give your daughter the time to build up trust in you, but allow her to make the first move. Meanwhile it will also give you the time to prove yourself.

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 20:58:30

So I guess I am in a odd position, my mother left my sister and I for 2 years when we were teenagers and never sent a card never contacted us. She has done it to both of us again. My daughter is very close to my mother. My problem is I always think to myself if my mother had only apologized, if she had only tried I would have forgiven her because she is my mother.

This train of thought interferes with how I handle my situation because I don’t want my daughter to think I don’t care. I have not sent an email to my daughter since July 4th of this year, in that letter I told her I will give her the space she needs and I am here and I love her very much again I reiterated I was so sorry for my actions. Like I said before I don’t remember all of it. She brought up going to a therapist together about a year ago and I said I would do anything to get back some kind of a relationship. She said was getting a referral because she didn’t want me to pick a therapist, now she says she is not ready. Nothing has happened since she suggested a therapist. She said she loved me and it means a lot that I keep trying. It confuses me when she says these things.

I am sorry I am all over the place with this but I don’t know how to explain it all in the right way.

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 20:59:47

How do I prove myself if she won’t talk to me?

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 21:02:49

She did not tell me not to email, she just doesn’t want to talk about anything specific or talk to me in person.

nanou Mon 30-Sep-19 21:04:07

Put it down on paper again explaining how you feel daily and repeat that you love her, that she is special to you. It has been 2 years, so perhaps it's time for a reconciliation with or without a therapist. Good luck.

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 21:05:16

This is how I feel. How can anything get better if we can’t talk about it? I have always been one to talk about everything. She always told me everything. I know I said some mean things but we were so close, her and all her friends were like my children. She was an only child so her friends were always at my house.

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 21:07:22

I did and she says she isn’t doing this to hurt me but I don’t know who would think this doesn’t hurt a parent or even her. It has to hurt everyone involved. Right?

EllanVannin Mon 30-Sep-19 21:09:00

Give her the time and space Curlysports. That way if she doesn't hear from you, she'll be wondering, won't she/will she ?

HettyMaud Mon 30-Sep-19 21:16:54

I remember a play on TV once which depicted a situation like yours. The mother said to her child that she was sorry for things she had said but she had said them when she was in a dreadful state and feeling almost mad due to circumstances at the time. Could you try to explain how you were feeling when you said certain things but that nothing bad was meant and that you are different now. Please don't give up. Keep trying. It is never too late. Keep telling her how much you love her - I am certain she will respond sooner or later. It would take a very hard-hearted person not to. Why not write an actual letter rather than an email.

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 21:16:57

Ok. Her birthday is in November do I wish her a Happy Birthday? I know silly question I just have no clue.

crazyH Mon 30-Sep-19 21:19:36

Curlysports, don't give up hope. We all say things in the heat of the moment, especially mothers and daughters. Let things cool down.
In the meanwhile, write a well thought letter. Tell her you love her. She told you she loved you; now that's a lot, isn't it? Forget about therapy.... do you live in the same town ? Just go and knock on her door - that's what I do if I've had a little upset with my daughter. I go to her house, put the kettle on and after an initial awkward silence, we start rattling on as if nothing ever happened.
I can't understand what you said and did, was so bad, that she decided to break away from you.
Families fall out all the time. My older son and daughter don't get on at the best of times, but I know they love each other. At the moment, there's a Cold War going on. Love +Hate = Family.
I wish you all the best !

nanou Mon 30-Sep-19 21:24:55

Yes, of course wish her a Happy Birthday and buy her a little meaningful present. You have to be there quietly and lovingly to make her understand that you love her, that you are her mother. What happened in the past should remain in the past. Have a talk, a cry and then move on and start having fun again together.

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 21:25:52

I sent post cards to her every week with just the words I love you on them but she moved and she won’t tell me where she lives even though I know where she lives. She also won’t tell my father which is odd because he didn’t do anything to her. She told him she still lives on campus at her college. Why lie? It’s not like with the internet you can’t find someone if you want to.

She knows everything that happened to me and she knows the drugs they put me on. She helped me through a lot of it. She was always so caring with a huge heart but it left her senior year in high school. I was physically assaulted so they put me on crazy stuff. I am off all of that now.

I love her so much and it makes me hurt so bad.

rosecarmel Mon 30-Sep-19 21:32:36

Curly, your desire to be understood is only human- But if your daughter isn't ready mentally to understand herself, no less someone else, it wouldn't be the right effort to force her to try to- And if you can't understand that she isn't ready, I hesitate to think that you are ready to have a constructive discussion with her- Do you understand?

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 21:38:09

No we don’t live in the same town but she isn’t far away but I feel like that is pushing it. She doesn’t want me to know her address so I have to think she doesn’t want me to just show up. Believe me I have thought about it a hundred times but I have also read and asked a lot of people what to do and they say I shouldn’t show up at her home if she is unwilling to meet somewhere. Like I said I have not seen her in 2 years and I would say probably only 5 emails from her( one liners mostly) compared to my 20 or so over that 2 year time frame. She ignores most of what I send. One of the last times I saw her a actually went down on my knees and begged her to forgive me, she walked away. I can’t imagine what I said hurt her so bad that she feels this way. I didn’t verbally abuse her through there life and I can admit I did wrong and regret it tremendously.

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 21:44:23

I don’t understand. I admit that. Isn’t talking how you fix things? I can have constructive conversation without understanding everything. I don’t know what she is going through but I want to as her mom.

sodapop Mon 30-Sep-19 21:44:43

Good advice here Curlysports let things settle down now.
I think you do need some help yourself with your anxiety etc. Talk to your Dr and get some counselling. I hope things get better for you soon.

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 21:47:41

I can’t get her a gift because she won’t see me. I can’t sit and talk because she won’t, I would do anything to be able to see her beautiful face, hear her beautiful voice. A hug, oh what I would do for a hug.

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 21:50:38

Was in therapy for 4 years. My doctor doesn’t want me to go back because they put me in so many drugs. I talk to him. I was hoping a forum could be a kind of therapy for me just to talk to other people that know how I feel.

Thank you, I also hope things get better soon.

Sara65 Mon 30-Sep-19 21:51:57


I can see how much pain you are in, but I promise that begging and pleading are unlikely to do any good.
As others have said, give her some space, we obviously don’t know what has happened between you, but it’s obviously hurt her very much.

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 21:55:41

Ok I haven’t emailed or anything since July 4. I will just wish her a happy birthday in November and that’s it.

Thank you