How to understand why my daughter cut me off?

Rethinking.... If you haven't emailed her already, maybe it would be just as well not to. Perhaps it would make her wonder and reach out to you. IDK... just a thought... That is, if you're still reading, Curlysports. And if you are, have you made a decision?

CODA sounds like a good thing!

About the birthday message. I get notanan's point, but (sigh) if you don't wish D a Happy Birthday, she may be hurt/take it as a sign you don't care, etc. So I'm going to chime in w/ those who say just make sure you don't send it on the actual day itself. That way, you'll have acknowledge her birthday, but if it is at all unsettling for her, it won't be on the actual day.

perhaps you could try CoDA, they are a self-help organisation, that follow the twelve-step programme, with the aim of growing towards healthy relationships.
There are meetings in many towns. look them up.
anyone can drop in to any meeting, they are free, just take a collection for the venue hire. It's like AA, GA, etc.
there are some women-only meetings, and sponsorship, where people further along keep in touch with and encourage beginners, if they wish. it's all confidential.

Do NOT contact her on her birthday.
Any healing and progress that has happened since you respected her wishes will regress.

I also meant to add that sending the note prior to or after the actual day would probably be best.

I'm with the posters who have suggested a simple birthday greeting expressing your love and willingness to give her continued space. You have posted that this is your plan after not contacting her since July 4th, so much credit to you. Since she's expressed her love for you, as well, I think that a simple, kind and loving note containing no expectations is perfectly reasonable.

It's obvious that you love her very much but whatever happened has created a rift and some distance that can only be mended with time and patience. She is most likely dealing with her own confused feelings. This process is a fragile one and any pressure from you could make the situation worse and lengthen the time needed for healing.

I know that your mother's heart is breaking. Stay strong and keep your daughter's needs in mind first and foremost and hopefully this will pass. Hugs and

Ok, a small suggestion... email her on her birthday. Tell her about the day she was born, the joy you experienced, the love you felt.

So make it all about the OP then.

Leave her alone. If she cant cope with contact with the OP on a normal day she definitely wont want it on a day thats meant to be about her enjoying herself!

The OP may be sad to not be involved, but thats for the OP to deal with.

If you care about someone you give them what they want on their birthday. Not what you want or what you think they should want. And the DD wants no contact.

Ok, a small suggestion... email her on her birthday. Tell her about the day she was born, the joy you experienced, the love you felt. Say nothing else. Remind her only why you remember with thankfulness the way she came into the world. Give her one good, perfect thing to think about. No follow up, no excuses or explaining. Then wait, for ever if necessary.

I was estranged from my mother for a year. Both of us felt terrible about it but she would not talk to me. I think if I had sent her postcards every week it would have made it worse! She was bi polar and, from the age of 8 to around 21 I found this very difficult to deal with. We fell out big time in my 40s. Complicated story but I did send her a birthday card after six months of no communication during which she finally got the Nursing care she needed and didn’t rely on me so much. In the card I said how much I loved her and that I Would love the opportunity to hear from her. Nothing happened for another 3 months but she eventually got in touch. Things were never quite the same again but we rebuilt the relationship. I wish I had gone for counselling sooner. Only now tacking this in my 50s!

At 21 your daughter might be an adult but is still very young . You are doing the right thing by giving her time as she needs to work out this situation and her feelings. But personally I would send the card with a light message - nothing too heavy! Best of luck.

I did and she says she isn’t doing this to hurt me but I don’t know who would think this doesn’t hurt a parent or even her. It has to hurt everyone involved. Right?

If she needs to be away from you in order to look after herself then it really isnt about you or about hurting you.

Whatever your reasons for your behaviour, and they may have been beyond your control, they traumatised her

So seeing your name pop up in her inbox or your handwriting on her door mat can just bring all that back on a day she probably just wants to forget her troubles and enjoy.

Please dont set out to taint her day like that. You KNOW she doesnt want contact right now. If you contact her you are doing something on her birthday that you know she doesnt like!

Ok. Her birthday is in November do I wish her a Happy Birthday?

No! You know she doesnt want to be in contact with you so contacting her on her birthday is just mean! Why would you do something you know she wont like on a milestone for her?

It’s been two months since the last post, so not sure if you’re still around. I only skipped through the replies, but the feeling I get when reading your post, was just to let it go, and hang back. Send her the odd card, letter, just to let her know you love her, and will always be there. She is still very young at 21, and a lot can change. Just give her the time and space, get on with your life, doing something you perhaps always wanted to, and haven’t yet. Time really is the best healer.

Back again, Curly. I see you haven't been yet, but maybe you will soon. Or perhaps you're still reading. I've been thinking about you on and off all day. And it occurs to me that, maybe, it's not just the "mean" words that alienated your DD. Perhaps she couldn't deal with the issues you were going through or, sorry to say, the fact that you needed medication. Some AC have trouble seeing their parents this way. The fact that you were close for so long may have made it even harder b/c you may have suddenly seemed like a different person to her. I hope it doesn't hurt to hear this. I'm no therapist, I'm just guessing at why even your apologies haven't quite brought her back. She may need more time to adjust to how things have changed.

Regardless, I appreciate the fact that you stopped emailing her in July. You still sent her postcards, though, and that is probably why she moved and didn't give you her address. I know it hurts, but to me that is a clear message that she wanted the constant contact to stop for now. Greetings on her birthday and holidays (the ones where people send cards only) are probably ok. But fortunately, you've already realized you should not do more than that for now. As another poster said, please let her wonder why she hasn't heard from you/let her miss you a little (I'm sure she will). It's hard to wait, but, in time, I'm sure she'll reach out to you again.

Uh-oh, I spoke to soon! Sorry! Now I see you felt "hammered" by some posters. Sorry about that, but I'm sure it wasn't there intention. IMO, they were just trying to help you see that you need to back off from D, as hard as that may be.

And I know it will be hard. 2 years - it must feel like an eternity to you! Still, I agree that it's best to stop contacting her (except for the birthday wishes) till she's ready to reach out. She has shown some signs of it - saying she loves you and talking about joint therapy ( even if she's not ready for it yet). So please take heart in that.

But again, I really have to go. More hugs! Hope you come back in and we talk more later.

Have to go in a few minutes, Curly. But just want to say that my heart aches for you, and I think you are very wise to reach out here. Be back later, but I see you are already getting good advice from others. Hugs!

I do think you need to hold back and leave it up to her to make any moves. A card at Birthdays and Christmas is fine, but any more she might feel as if you are not listening to her, so you will be lessening your chances of a reconcilliation. Know it must be so hard but you don't have any other option. Try to make a life for yourself and take this step back.

Curlysports….I'm sorry you feel 'hammered'. After reading some of the posts I think I would too.

Wishing you some peace

The up-coming birthday seems to be the ideal opportunity t have one last little try. Just a pretty card and a message inside such as, "Still love you and still sorry for all that went on. From your Mum x".

Then, sadly, if she does not respond, leave it.

Without putting any pressure on her to respond.

Perhaps, dear Curlysports, much as your daughter obviously really does love you, she feels your extreme neediness (which is quite understandable), and at the moment she just has nothing to give. It sounds as though previous experiences have left her emotionally drained. She loves you, you love her, but there is a gulf between you and you need space and time on both sides to heal, so that you can meet in the middle one day. I hope you won't have to wait too much longer but, in the meantime, keep reassuring her that you love her.

Don't go and visit her as she doesn't want that. Do send her emails and letters occasionally. I think it's only right to send a birthday card, maybe with a gift voucher. Meanwhile, get on with your own life to build up your confidence and happiness.

Also, I did not call you a liar, not at all. I’m sorry if that was misinterpreted

Nobody hammered you.

We all tried to give advice based on our own experiences.

No ones life is perfect, but please don’t have a go at us because it’s not the advice/answers you wanted.

Welcome to GN Curlysports.

Even if you did know where she's living, to turn up un announced would IMO be the wrong thing to do. Your D would automatically and understandably be on the defensive and that could make your already heartbreaking situation worse.

You could send her an on line card for her birthday. There's a lovely site with cards that are animated and play music.

We've been estranged from our son and only GC for almost 7 years so I understand how difficult this is for you and your pain is evident in everyone of your posts.

IMO reaching out via email puts you between a rock and a hard place. Even if you don't expect to get a response (you've said you've had a few) that doesn't diminish the pain and disappointment you get when you don't receive one.

I would send an on line card for her birthday, and if you hear nothing, wait a few weeks and then think about emailing her, telling her how much you love her but don't want to keep contacting her, as you don't know whether or not this upsets her, so you wont be contacting her again; you'll leave her be and hope one day she'll feel able to contact you.

If you can do this, you'll be giving yourself some 'space' to come to terms with what's happened which in time will hopefully enable you to move on with your own life.

With the problems you've had in the past, you must try and take care of your own emotional and mental well being. Taking a step back may enable you to do so.

.