*SUPPORT* for all who are living with estrangement

As you probably know Ellj, estrangement is called a living bereavement as we try to come to terms with the loss of an adult child who still lives but no longer wants us in their life.

You say the close relationship you had with your husband is no longer there, is that because he has as you say moved on and you are unable to do so?

We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 7+ years and I have managed to move on more than my husband. He still hopes there will be a reconciliation but for me, that is not what I would want.

Despite this we still talk about what's happened and how we both feel. I'm wondering if you both dealing with this painful situation differently is what's come between you because one or both of you feels unable or unwilling to talk about it.

"We love and are loved by our family" I'm sure you tell yourself this constantly, that you are fortunate to have family including GC who you love and who love you in return.

You can do nothing to replace the part of you you've lost because you're estranged from your D, but that is one part. You have so many other parts to enjoy; I hope you can find a way to focus on them which may help you to focus less on the D you've lost.

Thank you Smileless, you are right that it is this.awful situation that has come between us. I always end up causing more hurt if we talk about our daughter and what happened with her deciding to exit our lives. I just seem to go over and over the same old stuff and find it really difficult to accept and move on. Every waking moment it is there. I recently decided we need to update our wills. This of course brings the subject up as to whether we leave a share of anything we might have to our daughter. Since we have no idea where she is, we have tried to find her but think she must have changed her name. If we disinherit her I will feel so bad as it would look as if we don't love her which is not the case. If we leave her an equal share of whatever we have, if anything, it might hold up our sons from getting their share.
The chances are that there will not be much if anything to leave on our death but the solicitor advised stating that we dis- inherit our ED to make clear that our sons will inherit.
I am finding it impossible to come to terms with all this.
I just want her to know how much I love her.
I know that I should think of the positives of our lovely GC but I look at them and think maybe they have cousins and they should be together. All my life all I ever wanted was a big happy family, it is hard to accept that I have failed.

Ellj I am so sorry for the situation that you find yourself in. It must be very painful for you. It is a living bereavement

Feeling that we've failed is something all EP's go through but you haven't failed Ellj.

You clearly love your D very much and you will have done the best you could as her mother when you were raising her. You have sons who love you and value you as a mother and a GM.
That doesn't happen to someone who failed as a parent.

What to do about our wills is another dilemma we all face. The fear that if we disinherit the child whose abandoned us, they'll think we don't love them.

We have disinherited our son from our estate, but there are some precious, personal belongings that will be left to him. Will not benefiting financially from our deaths make him feel he wasn't loved? I don't know, but can money make him believe something once we've died, that he doesn't appear to believe now? I don't see why it would.

Perhaps you could think about some personal items to leave your D. Jewellery perhaps and/or something she bought you before this happened that you treasure.

This of course is something you and your husband need to discuss and make a joint decision on. Leaving something was preferable to us than leaving nothing but for us it isn't appropriate for him to inherit half of our estate.

You can leave her a letter to express your love for her which may mean more than anything else you could have bequeathed.

This is a decision for you and your husband. There is no right or wrong. If it's right for you then it's the right thing to do.

Sorry that I don't offer much support on here. I am sorry about all the pain that is clearly experienced by so many but I just don't have the strength currently to be supportive and can't even seem to follow each person's story without getting it muddled with another person.

I am kind of new to all this and to tell the truth I don't even know if I am what you would call estranged or whether it is just a real bad period of appalling behaviour from him. She is still in her teens and he is only slightly older. I mean he has refused contact almost 4 months although I have seen him out 3 times since. Once he told me they were splitting up except they didn't know how to because he wasn't leaving the baby. In response I let him know he can always come back and if at some point that meant with child that would be ok. Second time he said he was too busy to speak and the 3rd time he told me to f off. He claimed it doesn't matter about all the money he owes me because I can't prove it to the police! During all this time they have continued to use my streaming service by continuing to log in. I tried to prevent it as none of them will speak to me but they managed to just keep altering the password so I gave up as it was just winding me up. But now I don't want to prevent them because it is the only way I can tell he's alive right now. But how can I be estranged from someone if I can tell you when he's in his bedroom watching films and what film he's watching? But there is also the issue I am frightened of contact now anyway. I am very confused and have very strong feelings about everything that has happened.

Ellj, I fully understand your pain, you need to have closure, even if that means you don't have a relationship. Did anything cause this split, to estrange from everyone is so extreme.,I hope you don't take this as interference, but have you considered the Salvation Army, you need to know if she is alive and well. It's a last resort I know. They will help to find her.
Flying Solo, your son sounds as if he is under much stress, he just needs time to sort out his life, he is so young with a partner he doesn't get on with and a baby.,I would not put any additional,pressure on him or make demands, he sounds vulnerable and a bit lost , just reinforce what you've said already, that he is welcome home at any time, there's nothing that can't be worked out.,then take a back seat, keep busy I am sure when he wants to he will get in touch. I would not make any demands on him, the money can wait, he probably iscstruggling anyway. I hope I don't come over as too soft as I understand your pain but also his.

Sparkling, do you remember my other comments in this thread about my situation? This isn't my first one. I know it can be hard to keep track over who said what on here because I can't manage it either. I think its because there are no profile pics and all our names are not normal names.

I haven't seen or spoken to him or made any attempt to since new years day. I am frightened of having any contact with them.

There's no need to apologise FlyingSolo we're all at different stages on our journey of estrangement which is why we come here. We can offer support when we're coping and get support when we're not.

I can go for long periods when I'm doing well and then all of a sudden I'll go down with a bump and I know I'll be supported here.

You're emotionally estranged from your son. You may know when he's in his bedroom and what films he's watching but you can't talk to him and as if you've said, the thought of contact frightens you.

I think it must be harder for you in many ways because you do know at times what he's doing.

That's a great idea Sparkling. Maybe you could think about the Salvation Army Ellj. If they manage to find your D they wont give you any information as to her whereabouts if she tells them not too, but they would I'm sure tell you if they find her and that she's OK. That would give you some peace of mind at least.

Mr. S. is doing well. It's only taken one day for me to realise and appreciate the little things he does to help out since he retired, now I'm having to do everything myself.

I was knackered last night; this 'nursing' business is hard work but it's worth it, to have him home.

Smileless, the bedroom isn’t in my house, it is in their house. Not sure if I explained that properly.

Yes you did explain it properly. You know if he's in his room watching films because they use your streaming service. I can only imagine how much that must annoy you.

Oh Ellj my heart goes out to you. I never thought I would come to terms with my D's estrangement, but 7yrs+ on I seem to have done. I do think of her & my DGC a lot & get a tear in my eye & a tug at my heart strings, but not as it was the first 6yrs. I've accepted she doesn't & never did love me or her sister.

I've only read your first 2 posts, so will read on.

I just wanted to check in to this thread and see how everyone is doing and I hope at least some maybe still struggling on.

I have had to give myself a break from using the G.N. for several days as I let myself down by retaliating to a post that was so venomous to the plight of an EP/EGM that it offset my wellbeing/mental health and I was stunned how someone from sitting behind the safety of a keyboard directed such unpleasantness in such a manner. In the recent sad death of Caroline Flack surely people should think about the messages they send as those messages can have lasting damage to someone who is estranged and could be going through emotional conflict. A message could be the last straw and be the tipping point that takes things one step too far.

I blame myself for visiting threads that are IMO set for the EAC and for me personally that does not work in my situation and too many times I have been told you must have done something wrong to your child, so therefore I accept I cannot communicate with someone like that as I am still in early days of complete NC and not seeing my GCs and my wounds are raw and painful from that. Unlike mental health or physical pain I cannot go to any doctor or hospital to get something to fix my ailment and must get through my days and try and manage the best I can.
So really just taking time out and finding being in the company of my dogs be it inside or outside gives me the best therapy that anyone can have. I love them unconditionally and they offer the same back to me.

Smiless2012 I see that Mr. S. is now home so kindest regards and hope he is enjoying all the TLC which I am sure he must be getting.

Please don't beat yourself up over it 3nanny. That particular thread will reach 1000 in 3 posts time, if it hasn't done so already.

A lot of us found it challenging to say the least and there were several posts which IMO over stepped the boundaries of good taste.

Do talk to us here when you want too so we can try and help you get through these particularly difficult and painful daysx.

PS he's getting plenty of TLC from me and our dogs. As you say their love is about the best therapy you can get.

PPS I've pm'd you 3nanny.

Smileless -- Many EP's similarly say things that EAC find offensive and are outside the boundaries of "good taste".

I was talking about some of the posts on the thread that has now reached its maximum 1000 posts HolyHannah. Posts that I specifically referred too at the time.

I'm bias, having done so much wrong, so have a difficult time wrapping my head around the thought that some parents did nothing wrong at all!

!!!

For emphasis!

?

There's a huge difference between a parent saying they did nothing wrong as they were raising their children and saying they did nothing to warrant their estrangement.

None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes. Imperfect people who become imperfect parents and do their best to raise their imperfect children.

It's been a challenging day. Funny how when something changes it throws you off kilter. It's taken me all day to get the jobs done I wanted too.

Today's highlight; Mr. S. and I fighting to put a clean pair of surgical stockings on him. They are soooo tight, I thought we'd never manage it. Then we fell about laughing when I told him what a sexy beast he is.

Are we talking about Holyhannah's post referring to the awful attitude of some estranged parents towards ALL estranged children 3nanny6?

Where some members clearly demonstrated her point by bullying estranged children? Thinking their situations were a joke, not worthy of estrangement, not believable or telling them to read books some seem to term as "real abuse" and then screaming at them because they thought other estranged children reading it might be a bad idea and make them feel like their own abuse didn't meet some sort of criteria?

The post where the most disgusting comment of all was said to me by 3nanny6 when you told me to go take a walk across a busy motorway?

Yet somehow that post was more upsetting for estranged parents when it was speaking about clearly abusive parents?

How on earth can some people here be so awfully blinkered when it comes to the existence of abusive parents and an estranged child's right to leave behind damaging situations?

If people want to think I am nasty purely for sticking up for myself and supporting other estranged children, I can live with that.

PS: Hey rosecarmel remember that time when you and I were accused of being one and the same, before anyone else was so accused although not by us? Apparently never happened. Good times.

We've solved the 'how can we stop the dogs jumping on
Mr. S's. lap' problem. He sits with a pillow covering both sensitive areas so our cockapooh sits down the side between him and the arm of the chair, and our little poodle lies on the pillow.

Red pillow case and white poodle; he looks like a little prince. The poodle, not Mr. S..

I can relate to so much of what you say Ellj. We too need to write wills, and we are partly putting it off because we hope to move house in the not too distant future which will alter our finances somewhat so we want to get things straight but also because we really have no idea what to do about our ES. He is much better off financially then our DD, who is disabled and will never be in a position to support herself in the way he can, and I have the feeling anything we leave our ES will be rejected and end up going to the local cats home or something. I have nothing against cats of course but see our DDs needs as way more relevant. But at the same time I don't want o disinherit our son.

As you say smileless it can be possible to do well for a bit then you suddenly crash down with a bump.

Sorry I haven't the energy to read everyone's properly tonight, we've had a long day and my energy levels run out very fast (long-term health stuff). It as our DDs partner's birthday today so we took over baking and took him on a surprise outing. It was a lovely day and he was so grateful and happy about everything. Which was really good but at the same time made me think of our son and how it's never been like that with him. I honestly can't remember him every really seeming happy with things we did. At least not since he was really quite young.

Really wrecked but thinking of you all and will try and catch up properly soon. xxx