Difficult Position

Oh dear!

It was impossible to mow the lawn last week, gave up before I got to the front. Tried again earlier this week to just do the front and I still couldn't manage it. Maybe they were miffed I hadn't done my turn yet.

I only work half day on Friday and usually I do some gardening in the afternoon but it's too ridiculously wet for that. Anyway, neighbour and I quite often take turns to mow eachothers front lawns as they are joined, and turns to cut the hedge between us at the back.

Well, they must have got very wet this morning because there is now a perfect mowed line between us at the front and the hedge at the back looked odd. I went to look out the back bedroom window and there is the hedge, their side about a foot shorter than hours with a perfect line down the middle. I'm glad I was close to the loo because I nearly wet myself laughing.

I think maybe because her daughter won't speak to her I was an easy target. I'm so glad I stood up for myself!

Or shall I say herself?

I wonder why she is moving... but tell you as if you have a hand in her decision of moving is just hilarious.

The issue fixed itself.

Lucky escape, bullet dodged etc...

Better to have seen her true colours sooner rather than later.

I'm on my side on this one now and it's far far away! This morning I was informed "you will be glad to know we are moving!“ and actually I am! That will teach me to try to mow a wet lawn.

Oooh I really hate that; you're not on my side. Why do some people insist you have to take sides.

She has now accused me of being on her daughters side and that I am biased

That reaction alone proves 100% that you did absolutely the right thing!

You're welcome. Glad you're feeling better now, Starblaze, and that this thread has helped you.

It hasn't been very comfortable and she ignores me but I feel a lot lighter now. I think I felt the same way Starlady, thankyou for helping me see it.

Hugs, Starblaze!

As for the situation w/ your neighbor, I'm glad you said a firm no. Sorry about how she reacted, but I agree it would have been worse if you had let yourself be dragged in the middle. Also, if this is how she reacted to you, can you imagine how she must react when she and her D have a disagreement? She doesn't realize it, of course, but she just proved that she is the problem.

Very true Notanan. I knew there was something wrong with me and at one point I was diagnosed as manic depression, what is now bi polar. So it wasn't until I realised I was being abused that the truth became apparent. I spent years on the wrong medication. I spent years trying to deal with the wrong problem. When I knew the right problem, I had already made massive strides to recovery thanks to having great friends and a good relationship

The trauma of having a NPD parent can cause BPD

People with BPD are the opposite, although some behaviours look the same.

They will often describe themselves as "unlovable" and will do "cry for help" behaviours

People who say that you cant say you have experienced someone with narcissism unless the individual was themselves diagnosed, does not understand Narcissism!

The Narcissist will aim to convince their victim that they are the one who is wrong/mad. "Gaslighting"

BPD, although similar in outward symptoms at times to NPD. Is very different in that people with BPD have insight and seek help/diagnosis.

People with NPD will not see themselves as the problem so rarely seek diagnosis.

However, some victims of ppl with NPD are professionally diagnosed of having had the experience of living with someone with NPD in their life

So "diagnosis" is usually secondary IYKWIM

There is estrangement in my sister's family. I've made it very clear that I want to see all my wider family so I'll refuse to discuss it and I won't take sides. It's nothing to do with me and it's not my problem. Stick to your guns!

Thank you Starblaze

Smileless2012, I'm no expert but I am educated on aspects of this. It is possible your dil is NPD. I think it would also be very possible your daughter in law is borderline personality disorder. I say this because that is what I was as a result of abuse. I am and have been in remission for a long time. IE. I no longer have it. It can present very similar to NPD. If she were borderline it is very curable. If she has woken up to how abusive her parents are it's possible she will seek help at some point.

I was very defensive, very emotionally volitile, very reactive, clingy and jealous. I was not abusive to my children emotionally and they were loved and cared for. I expected a lot from my husband though and I needed all his attention. I also had depression and anxiety so I made any mistakes early on.

Your dil could think she is protecting your son. Could be controlling and manipulating him through terror of losing him. That's how borderline can come from love not abuse at its root.

It is usually household's where one sibling is scapegoat and others are not that NPD gets passed down. You see the other children are abused differently to the scapegoat and don't recognise it... They normalise and become it.

It's complicated and I would advise reading up on it.

For you, your son and your grandchildren that is what I would hope for.

Starblaze

I'm fine Namsnanny, thanks for asking ..... still taking the tablets.

I agree that we too often see the NPD label given to by some to someone that they disagree with or simply don't like.

When I read the accounts of posters who like Starblaze have had their lives deeply affected by a narcissistic parent, I think about our GC.

What kind of mother is our ES's wife? If there are behaviours that could be detrimental to their well being, would our son be able to address them? He was either unable and/or unwilling to be there for us, so can he be there for their children?

We're adults, we had and have one another to help us to cope with the loss our son and only GC, but our GC are just children.

How deep does her manipulation of him go and how far does it extend? Has it, will it extend to the children?

From what contact our DS has with his brother and his nephews, the children are happy and healthy. There has never been anything to suggest otherwise, but this is something that worries me.

You posted earlier Starblaze about breaking the cycle. I knew our ES's wife's mother for several years before she met our ES. Her mother's father was abusive (ES's wife's GF).

ES's wife's parents had an abusive marriage; he physically abusive and she emotionally abusive. Will she be able to break the cycle? Will our ES be able to help her or will God forbid he go along with her for a quiet life, like he went along with her when it came to destroying our relationship and alienating, apart from his brother, his entire family and long held friendships?

Sometimes labelling another as narcissistic maybe done to take the responsibility from themselves, so they can be seen as a victim. A good reason for an estranging AC to give and a reasonable explanation from and EP and/or EGP for their estrangement.

For the AC of a narcissistic parent, who constantly evaluates their own behaviour for fear of repeating the abusive cycle, it must feel like a constant battle. I don't know; I can hardly imagine how hard that must be.

I do know though, what it's like to be the parent of an EAC who is married to a narcissist and has children with them. As well as the pain of losing your AC and GC there's the fear you have for them, of what their lives are like and what if any, the effect of a narcissistic husband or wife may be having on the AC you've lost as well as the effect a narcissistic mother or father may have on your GC.

The pain eases with time, it's still there but for me anyway it's not as raw as it used to be. Those fears though never lose their intensity.

Smileless ... I too agree with your synopsis of the term narcissistic personality disorder.

Although I find too many people use it to attack others.
Ive becomequite concerned for thousewho have had this label Thrown at them on the estrangement threads, just because they don’t agree with each other!
Having a mother who fits the narc text book to a ‘T’I know how tempting it is to use the label as a shorthand to understanding this type of behaviour though !

How are you feeling today....still taking the tablets(as les Dawson might say!)

Thank you for saying that Smileless2012

A person with NPD is extremely difficult, if not impossible to deal with. It's frightening how they can control, manipulate and influence those around them and the devastation they can cause has to be seen to be believed.

While I agree Saetana that the NPD label does at times get thrown about, anyone who has had the misfortune of coming into contact with a narcissist would not use the term lightly or inappropriately.

There is a lot of information 'out there' about NPD. It was not something we were familiar with until it was suggested to us that our ES's wife may be a narcissist. We did online research and were, to be honest, horrified to find that the characteristics we were reading about were present in our ES's wife.

While we are not medically qualified to make a diagnosis, we know what we've witnessed and personally experienced.