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Difficult Position

(62 Posts)
Starblaze Mon 11-Nov-19 09:55:39

I have been distancing myself from a friend for quite some time. Because I am estranged from my NM I found how critical and demeaning she is about her own daughter too tough to listen to. This is unfortunately not someone I can avoid completely because we are neighbours.

Well recently her daughter refuses to talk to her. She wants me to intervene and talk to the daughter. She wants me to find out why the daughter won't speak to her and explain to her that "she doesn't know what a bad mum is compared to yours".

The thing is that I also know the daughter well and have babysat her frequently. She is a sweet, shy person and has gotten herself in a few bad situations as an adult which I feel may not have happened had her mother been more supportive.

Also, given the discussions I have had with my neighbour over the years, the daughter has given clear reasons why their relationship became distant after she moved out, my neighbour simply denies them. She will accept no fault or blame and when I have gently tried to point out she was being unreasonable, she just became angry.

I have said no very clearly several times now and my neighbour is still perusing me relentlessly.

What would you do in this situation?

Pantglas2 Mon 11-Nov-19 10:02:14

Stay out of it - you can’t win. Either way you’ll cop it from one of them and if they ever kiss and make up, you’ll still be in the wrong.

Urmstongran Mon 11-Nov-19 10:03:22

I’d say ‘no sorry, I’d feel awkward being the go-between’. Keep out of it!

Urmstongran Mon 11-Nov-19 10:04:08

‘Jinx’ Pantglas!

Starblaze Mon 11-Nov-19 10:32:18

Is there a way to prevent her asking? The pressure is wearing on me and I dread bumping into her now. I've said no so many times which is amazing for me as I'm usually such a doormat

Urmstongran Mon 11-Nov-19 10:54:51

Try ‘stop asking me now because I’m not going to change my mind!’ ?

Smileless2012 Mon 11-Nov-19 14:03:00

Starblaze you could tell your friend that you've previously tried to point out to her certain behaviours that you know her D finds increasingly difficult to deal with, but she's never been prepared to take any responsibility.

In light of that, you don't feel speaking to her D on her behalf would do any good and she's to stop asking.

Hithere Mon 11-Nov-19 14:17:25

Oh the missing missing reasons that are not always missing!

"She wants me to find out why the daughter won't speak to her and explain to her that "**she doesn't know what a bad mum is compared to yours". "

Huge red flag. typical abuser justification.
Typical flying money maneuver, recruit people to show they support the mom and the daughter is unreasonable.

Tell your neighbour very clearly that you do not want to step in the private relationship between a mother and a daughter and stop asking.
If she pushed, tell her she is very much aware of the reasons why the estrangement happened and it is in her hands only to do something about it.
If she still pesters you, I would limit my contact with her.

If she burns the bridges around her, it is her own fault.

Is this really a person you want in your life?

Just for funsies, what are the reasons for the estrangement? Are any of those being repeated in relationships between the mother and everybody else around her?

Hithere Mon 11-Nov-19 14:24:16

Btw, very interesting thread. Thanks for opening it!
First time I read one that is created by a third person to the estrangement, not the estranger or estrangee (new words)

It gives us a new perspective how this problem is seem from a very close outside perspective.

Hithere Mon 11-Nov-19 14:27:01

Seen not seem arggg

bingo12 Mon 11-Nov-19 14:28:21

Tell her you have not trained in the field of mediation and that without it you do not feel qualified to help and that she should look for a professional as the situation is causing you a lot of stress.

Hithere Mon 11-Nov-19 15:18:01

Apologoes, I posted without taking into account your reply.

Gold star on saying no multiple times!
She clearly does not understand your no is a serious answer.

Next time she brings it up, give her one warning and tell her: I have already told you no. We talk about something else or I will leave/you will have to leave" and do it.
Another time her badgering you- neighbour, you clearly have an issue respecting my decisions.
Please refrain from talking to me till you are able to do so.
And ignore her.
You say you cut off your mother? You may attract toxic influences in your life without realizing (btdt)

Starblaze Mon 11-Nov-19 19:22:59

I think I have been too open to toxic people at times. It did not go well. She grabbed me when I was late for an appointment and I told her I didn't want to get involved and not to ask me again. She has now accused me of being on her daughters side and that I am biased. Very odd as I wouldn't even know how to contact her daughter now. Hopefully she won't talk to me again, I think i would prefer that. Thank you for the advice everyone. It felt good to put my foit down even if she didn't like it.

notanan2 Mon 11-Nov-19 19:38:53

Nope nope nope.

Someone who was very abusive to me in private used to "confide" in others that they didnt know what was wrong with me and could the other person please intervene because they were worried about me...

They were using these (well meaning) 3rd parties as a form of abuse. Making me look unreasonable/difficult and showing me that everyone believed their "street angel" act.


Smileless2012 Mon 11-Nov-19 19:42:24

It's not easy dealing with toxic people Starblaze and you've done the right thing putting your foot down. Well donesmile.

notanan2 Mon 11-Nov-19 19:42:46

I realise now that they did it so I wouldnt speak out or seek help.

By having others approach me and tell me how caring and worried they thought that person was, and how I should stop upsetting them because they really cared about me, the message being conveyed was "tell noone because everyone believes ME not you"

notanan2 Mon 11-Nov-19 19:49:55

The N word does get overused, but google "flying monkeys narcissist"

It sounds like you are being used as a flying monkey

Hithere Mon 11-Nov-19 19:54:18

"Someone who was very abusive to me in private used to "confide" in others that they didnt know what was wrong with me and could the other person please intervene because they were worried about me..."
I can see you have met my mother.

Hithere Mon 11-Nov-19 19:56:54

How predictable your neighbour reacted that way. It is textbook.

Now be wary she might try to smear your reputation in the neighbourhood. You hurt her ego and it is not over.

Starblaze Mon 11-Nov-19 19:58:35

I think those with NPD have a play book we aren't aware of. Not that I a diagnosing my neighbour as such... I'm not at all qualified. Although I think it's fair to diagnose my own NM by my symptoms as well as her behaviour.

Gemini1789 Mon 11-Nov-19 19:59:08

Hithere that is so funny
“I can see you have met my mother.” ROFL

notanan2 Mon 11-Nov-19 20:01:19

Hopefully she won't talk to me again, I think i would prefer that.
From my experience, these people like to "pick a scab". They find it easier to stay away from people they like than people they have issue with..

..dont be surprised if you get an "Im a bigger person so will meet you for a water under the bridge coffee" invite in a few weeks time!

Hopefully not and you had a lucky escape, but be prepared none the less

Hithere Mon 11-Nov-19 20:03:44

Those with narcissistic tendencies do tend to follow the same script. You are with me or against me. No middle side of the road "we can agree to disagree"
Once you recognize the signs, it is very easy to see what's coming.

notanan2 Mon 11-Nov-19 20:08:07

Yup. She will have a ball now throwing a pity party to her other friends about what a disloyal judgemental woman you are for kicking her when she is down. Variations of the truth will be told. With her as the victim.

She went to you upset about her DD and you were nasty and dismissive and it really hurt because she was such a good friend to you but you didnt care when she was upset

If the script is folowed..

notanan2 Mon 11-Nov-19 20:10:01

Then after she has badmouthed you, she will make a performance of extending an olive branch to you.
To show how good a person she is...