AEC thread. Feel free to chat or add helpful resources here.

Chewbacca

Please don't start with the personal attacks again Starblaze; this is a public forum and there are strict guidelines to what you're allowed to post. Thus far, Smileless, Madgran, rosecarmel and I have been having a civilised and informative discussion without the need to make personal attacks. I'm politely, and respectfully, requesting you not to spoil that.

So much gaslighting in this comment.

Holyhannah I would guess that is why this thread is deliberately being sabotaged instead of understanding what it is/isn't for.

It is to help us

It is not an accusation against anyone else

That all comes back to what you said about, if only our parents could have taken responsibility for 50% and just met us half way. We could have worked with that

With some members here it is always 100% our fault if there is any kind of disagreement

Cannot meet us half way

Starblaze -- There was a comment on a thread about sending a birthday card and one parent declared something along the lines of, "They are my kid and I'll do whatever I want."

Again, the straight out admission that many EP's do not take their children and their feelings (adult or minor) into consideration is shocking.

What's equally shocking is the number of people who DO NOT see a comment/attitude/theme like that as an issue OR maybe one of those problems in the relationship that lead to being cut off from the AC point of view.

This is the AEC thread Smileless for chat and helpful resources.

If you recognise yourself in anything posted here by AEC maybe that is something you could look into or maybe you could just stick to one of many other threads.

It's very difficult to have an interesting, informative and potentially helpful discussion when there are constant 'veiled' accusations of narcissism being banded about.

This one goes out to AEC dedicated to healing and not repeating past patterns of behaviour, even when the struggle is real.

.

Yes it would be a shame for this thread to degenerate again into personal attacks.

Everyone's entitled to express their opinions and talk about their personal experiences. TBH I have never seen anyone question your experiences or say you shouldn't be here Starblaze. I on the other hand have had my experiences questioned on numerous occasions, on this thread amongst others.

Oh well, I will just send gransnet the screenshot that proves that's the truth when you report me Chewbacca

What I said was said with empathy and deep sadness.

Please don't start with the personal attacks again Starblaze; this is a public forum and there are strict guidelines to what you're allowed to post. Thus far, Smileless, Madgran, rosecarmel and I have been having a civilised and informative discussion without the need to make personal attacks. I'm politely, and respectfully, requesting you not to spoil that.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

question my experiences or tell me I shouldn't be here.

I personally have never witnessed this Stirbalze.

It started pouring down the minute I put my shoes on.

No that was not a response to you Madgran and thank you for your comment. I'm just a bit annoyed by certain behaviour lately.

Yes I do think both those things are rude Cheebacca

The point I was trying to make is that I don't like passive aggressive behaviour, however I often feel as though I am being passive aggressive because I don't want to make personal comments.

However general comments do fly right over people's heads or are otherwise voted down as not good enough.

Rosecarmel summarises why when she says that comments can be taken personally rather than considered calmly. Those are the comments I am trying to avoid making... I think I just used a bad example.

That happened to me today on another thread. My speaking of abuse made another member defensive as they had a similar (to their mind) situation.

I just want to be able to talk about my experiences with others who understand. I hoped we could help each other. Because on other threads there are those who are made defensive by my comments, or question my experience or tell me I shouldn't be here.

So I started this thread.

Those sorts of comments came here too.

Estranged parents didn't pull that up and don't understand that by politely respecting that boundary themselves, this thread could have been a completely safe space for AEC full of helpful resources.

They could have taken any resources that suited them but otherwise respected the thread as it was intended to be.

That's why I see them as harbourers.

It makes me feel their own resentment for me personally (could be fully justified depending on opinion) or for any other AEC posting here, makes this thread far from what was hoped for or intended. Unless you genuinely (ridiculously) believe all AEC are bad....

I truly don't understand why anyone would do that.

I haven't heard an argument that justifies stomping those boundaries in over 20 pages.

I'm also suggesting that it's a carry over from childhood, of never having grown out of wanting the parent that did not then and does not now know how to provide attention but continues to desire of as an adult-

It sounds as though you've come a long way on your journey of reflection and healing rosecarmel and I admire you for that. You've come so far, with so much self knowledge and personal growth, it won't be long now before you're able to consign the past to where it belongs and rarely ever think of it.

it not of ? in that bottom line

Madgran77

Yes rosecarmel that is so true...we all want our parents and it must be very hard for those who have estranged themselves. Something else that I have observed and supported in many instances over the years.

Can I ask a genuine question ...is it a want for parents as one want them to be as parents or for as they were/are?
Presumably the former but I am not sure whether I should make that assumption based only on my own experiences and observations. Everyone is different with different responses and needs.

My emphasis is on "want" continuing to be a persistent issue "after" having made the decision to estrange-

"Wanting" the estranged individual to be different is common but it's a considerable time suck- Meaning, an enormous amount of time is allotted to wishing/ruminating-

I'm also suggesting that it's a carry over from childhood, of never having grown out of wanting the parent that did not then and does not now know how to provide attention but continues to desire of as an adult-

Excellent points Madgran, Chewbacca and rosecarmel.

Consider that when addressing members personally, what gets said could be taken personally resulting in defensiveness rather than calm consideration-

That's a very good point rosecarmel and well expressed.

Chewbacca Thankyou

*But people who do not allow you boundaries and stomp all over them while loudly declaring they have every right to do so, and in fact, do so more to prove their own importance with no thought given to the moral implication on their part.
Well those people clearly have a lot of work to do on themselves if they want to be liked/loved/listened to*

Was that in response to me Starblaze? I thought we were having an interesting discussion.

Anyway, hope you enjoy your walk. I am off to Skype my brother now.

Starblaze

rosecarmel

I just found this today in regards to my hating making passive aggressive comments and disliking people who do it by rote.

Granted it is hard when your thead may be deleted for honest comments lol

Use the quote button to reply directly or simply copy and paste in bold- Address the tone and subject being discussed-

Most sites operate this way-

Members could say something like: The tone of that comment is passive aggressive- Then provide an explanation as to why-

Members can also present observations as questions-

Consider that when addressing members personally, what gets said could be taken personally resulting in defensiveness rather than calm consideration-

Your post @ 15.01 was very well explained Madgran and you'd clearly spent quite some time to take care of what you said, and how to present it as fairly and non judgementally as possible. Estrangement can be a minefield for those who are either still going through it, or who are still bruised or wounded by their experiences. The sooner one can find a pathway to forgiving both the estranged party, and yourself, the sooner we can move on, heal and lead a life where estrangement is no longer the defining characteristic. And as you say, this is quicker and easier for some than it is for others. But everyone gets there in the end.

Given my experience of (whoever I'm talking to) as a person, the way I have seen you treat others and the things you have said over time regarding your estrangement, I can see you are clearly abusive and you are likely responsible for your own estrangement.

And

Calling us damaged or biased

Both are equally rude, judgemental and unacceptable I would have thought. And no room for either comment in what should be a civilised discussion on a public forum, despite what private thoughts we may have.

But people who do not allow you boundaries and stomp all over them while loudly declaring they have every right to do so, and in fact, do so more to prove their own importance with no thought given to the moral implication on their part.

Well those people clearly have a lot of work to do on themselves if they want to be liked/loved/listened to.

OK bye

Ok Starblaze !!