I have some questions

Online, text messages etc it can be easier to misinterpret things. I'm sure if some comments were made face to face, the message wouldn't seem as severe as the written word.

It's like bullying in work- advice is to leave the toxic situation as it affects your mental health. People don't always see what the real bully is like - the bully themselves may have issues and may not even want to admit it.

Somehow there is a stigma for adult children to leave toxic families but there is no stigma for leaving a bullying work environment.

I can see both sides. Whilst I'm estranged due to a dysfunctional and abusive family, they are damaged too so they blame me for it all, as it is easier than to look inside at themsleves.

Yennifer -

I'm not sure if I can answer your questions one by one, but I'll give my general perceptions.

I was simply reading Gransnet for a LONG time before I posted. I was a bit nervous about posting here as I know DILs and SIL shave been the reason behind many estrangements. Here, I was given very kind and thoughtful advice. I believe almost everyone here is in a similar boat to me - none of us are perfect, but no-one has gone looking for trouble and pain. I certainly wish it never came to this.

The 'get over it' advice I find extremely helpful. The estrangement itself was very, very stressful for both myself and DH. I felt sad that DH didn't have people who were proud of his success, but instead it made them angry. When DH left his last job recently the MD gave a speech about how proud they were of him in his successes but mostly who he was as a person. I cried as DH really deserved it and will never hear it from his own parents. Moving on is the only option. Imagining a relationship where we would be packing up the car today to visit them for a jolly time only hurts myself. Sorry for rambling on a bit here!

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is always the worst time for family breakups, were all thrown together, too much alcohol, it’s easy to say the wrong thing. Even second hand, it gets back and causes a row, it happens in most families including mine.

One Xmas my wife criticized her sisters husband, immediately defensive and they didn’t ever speak again, neither would back down

My questions were purely based on how things are here as this is a new dynamic to me. I'd like to stay but it seems quite easy to upset the applecart and I'd want to avoid that. I don't know if I will have time to look over the next few days with children to entertain.

Merry Christmas to you all x

Starlady

My relationship with my mother finally came to an end over what others may consider to be a fairly minor thing, but it came at a time when she knew we had a lot going on, and she pushed me, till in the end I just shut her off, for good.

That was eighteen years ago this Christmas, I haven’t spoken to her since, and I never intend to.

. There seems to be a lot of distrust between EPs and EACs and animosity at times. Why is that?

Do you mean in the stories you read on here or between EPs/GPs and EACs discussing on here?

Yennifer, there is no logical explanation to a great many, maybe most, estrangements because unpredictable emotions are involved. A son or daughter may go non contact due to mental illness, depression, drugs, alcohol missuse or because a partner is manipulating them.

Commonly, it is cause by what they perceive as an insult, an interfering MIL, an assertive DIL, or criticizing a partner. The way to mend these “fall outs” is to recognize the problem and apologise quickly, in practice “backing down” and admitting you were wrong is not easy.

As for Gransnet, there are a range of opinions, mostly we don’t know each other so there are no consequences to saying what we think. Even so there is a fair degree of unjustified “bitching” but that’s life.

Face to face just be nice and go with the flow.

Mm DH’s family have little to do with each since parents’ deaths. They were a dysfunctional lot.
Always close to my family, however, a massive issue has resurfaced with my dear sister and, as OP said, this could be the final straw. I SO hope not and will do all I can for family not to separate but it’s blooming hard going!

Interesting post, Yennifer! Since I'm not currently estranged from anyone, I don't feel I can answer most of these questions. But I have some thoughts about this:

"...relationships here appear to break down over very small things and become irreparable. Why is that?"

I agree w/ Norah that often, all we see is that last straw. So it may be a "very small thing" but if tensions have been building up for a long time, it may be the final trigger.

Also, what seems small to one person may seem big to another, etc.

My SIL are estranged to their family. 1. nature to the conflict. 2. a why bother attitude 3. anger 4. visible only is the straw to break the camel back 5. EAC, long life ahead 6. good solution to conflict.

Only with my mother notanan2 but it lost me the rest of my family. I sometimes wonder if now that my mother has emigrated and at a distance it would be worth trying to repair things but I feel that would mean taking a lot on my shoulders for it to not go well in the long run. I wonder if it would be the same as what I read and see here.

Why does any relationship that was once close break down?

People are people. Whether they're family, romantically involved and now separated/divorced or friends/ex friends.

Have you never ever fallen out with someone or decided to distancw yourself from anyone?