Very distraught and I’m not sure where to go

Ironflower a wise post!

Leaannbo, I'm very sorry that you were excluded. It must have been hard to find out something like that from a third party. I don't think that your reaction was the best, it was understandable that you were hurt and perhaps didn't realise how much stress the family would already be in.

If it were me, I would send flowers to the hospital with an apology for an over the top reaction. Nothing else, no demands.

I do find it hard that you don't know why you are estranged from your family. It actually does sound like they registered private in the hospital to keep you away. Your daughter told you to stop making everything about yourself? Is this something you've done before.

For example, at a child's birthday or holiday have you felt left out and lashed out? This is a common theme in DIL groups. I myself am not a MIL, I have a great relationship with my MIL but not so much my own mum.

If you truly want to move forward and 'possibly' be a part of their lives, there needs to be a lot of self reflection. Something has caused their reactions. Another time (not now when they are going through so much) you could send a polite letter stating that you really want to self reflect on the past and would their input on where things went wrong. Nothing else, no demands, no talk of reconciliation. Hopefully they can remind you of things from the past.

In order to move forward the bitterness and resentment has to be put aside. This is where I'm stuck in communicating with my parents. My dad is so angry that we wont let him babysit our kids that he wont talk to us, the kids or even look at us. They know what they did and have admitted to many things but they can't move past the hurt. Can you move past it and accept that perhaps there was a reason for all?

Their perspective won't match yours, however their feelings have almost certainly been hurt. It may not have been your intention but almost certainly you have hurt them. Their response to this has hurt you.

Moving past anger is so difficult to do and something my parents and I still can't do. There are no easy solutions but as soon as you can accept what's happened and at least your part in it, maybe you can start to heal.

I wish you all the best

@Rosecarmel
Don't understand your points, sorry.

"A few minutes later my son in law came downstairs and told me to leave immediately before they had security remove me. Nurse’s station did call security but I left before they arrived."

Leanbo, IDK if you're even still reading this thread. But if you are, I have some questions about the above quote. Did the nurses know SIL warned you that security might be called? Or did they happen to call them just as he was talking to you? I'm wondering if you ignored SIL's warning, and this led to the nurses calling security? Or, IOWs, did you leave when SIL asked you to or only when you realized the nurses had called security? B/c IF you ignored SIL's warning, and IF this kind of stubbornness has occurred before, sorry to say, but that could explained why they have distanced you. Please think it over even if you don't choose to answer me.

She doesn't see it, ananimous- If she doesn't view her situation as one that requires change, she isn't going to notice the fact that she's raising flags either-

A stranger is a stranger, therapists included- I'll leave the suggestion that two avenues never intersect up to you-

Probably group therapy lol

I don't see any harm in bringing this issue to internet strangers. It's not the same as seeking professional therapy, but it has its value. IMO, the OP could benefit from both in different ways.

*The nurses station Rosecarmel

I would consider "demanding" (her own words), and hospital staff calling security a couple of red flags about th OP.

Professional therapy cannot be conflated with a stranger's anecdotes.

ananamous, she doesn't see it- But after reaching out to complete strangers, she may begin to-

Therapists are strangers too ..

OutsideDave, what human isn't subject to the laws of cause and effect? We're all equal, nobody can escape the effects of past behavior- Therefore, it always matters- Just as much as what's happening now does- People don't get to change what already has taken place, they can change how they look at it, and anyone can take whatever happened in the past and use it to shape and improve their current situation- And future considerations, for that matter-

I understand the OP- I understand her family's reaction- All that considered, I wouldn't consider her presence in the hospital stalking- According to the story there was still contact- Low but not cut off-

Anyone can escape a situation, stop interacting with family but breaking out of a dynamic takes great effort since the effects it has on a person are part of it- It goes where they go- That's not to say change doesn't begin to take place from the second they walk away, disconnect the call, drive off-

Sorry about your cousin- Yes, everyone is responsible for their actions, for how they "respond"-

It's impossible to understand a person or situation straight out of the gate - Rosecarmel

Hardly rocket science to understand that making a show of yourself at a hospital of all places pretty much marks a person out as argumentative, dramatic and unreasonable.

Therapy is not meant as an unkind suggestion, though I doubt if such a personality as showed up for the arm operation would choose that option, and instead takes her cause to a group of well meaning strangers.

I'm still unsure or not if this thread is a hoax.

I worry, though, for anybody's mental health who think nurses haven't enough to do without having to referee a verbal assault.

????? her family is trying to stay away from her. If one person is trying to escape the dynamic and their abuser/family member, then regardless of what they may have done ‘Wrong’ in the past, it’s ridiculous to blame them for behavior when they have made clear they want to be left alone. For example If I fight with cousin C every time I see her, and therefore avoid cousin C and ask she leave me alone, and make efforts to
Not be the same place she is- if she stalks me as OP has, is it still my fault if we end up arguing? Am I still ‘responsible’ for those family dynamics? What do I owe someone I’m desperately trying to avoid?

HolyHanna, currently, the best I can do is make an effort to understand and determine what's truth and what isn't- Most stories I read I see differently than the person telling it- There are exeptions-

It's true that one can be solely responsible when one of two is abused- But at the same time, can't say I 100% agree that a couple is a family, unlike a single mother or father with one child- Regardless, in the case of two, one can be held solely accountable- However, conflict goes beyond who is right or who is wrong, it also pertains to who is involved-

Pointing out bullying has it's flaws- Because when the accusation isn't true, it can be damaging to all involved-

The story about the mother who slapped her son in the face, the entire family is involved in the conflict- She is at the core of that incident, solely responsible for her action- But responsible for the entire family dynamic that led up to the slap? No-

Families interact-

The OP shared her story- Her immediate matter is noticeable- But I wouldn't hold her accountable for collective family conflicts-

Stalking is against the law no matter who is doing it. I am sure all stalkers would express having some sort of "love" for the people they are stalking. If people don't want contact you have to back off and give them the space they are asking for. It doesn't matter if you are their mum, unwanted contact will cause them distress and won't help resolve conflict at all x

rosecarmel -- If two people are in a relationship and one person is abusive, it is 100% the fault of the abuser if the relationship breaks down.

Scapegoating is blaming/shaming/abusing someone for perceived/imagined flaws. Pointing out/not tolerating a bully and their behavior is NOT gaslighting.

For example, I followed the story of an EP who admitted to slapping one of her adult sons multiple times. Her sons then accused her of being abusive which she 100% WAS. The EP's mother, sister and extended family took her son's 'side' and now the whole 'family' is excluding her. She claimed to be the victim and being scapegoated.

So yes. One person CAN, especially if they are the 'parent', cause ALL the issues in a relationship. However, abusers cling to their victim is at least 50% responsible. In child abuse situations, the child is POWERLESS so it is 100% on the parent to stop abusing or face the consequences of that behavior.

That should read don't "know" the woman ..

OutsideDave, I don't the woman- And neither do you- Not all her capabilities, not all that motivates her- It's impossible to understand a person or situation straight out of the gate- What's noticeable is what's glaring-

To blame all family conflict on a single individual is scapegoating- It's nonsense- Because it isn't true- And trying to convince someone that something isn't true, when it is, is gaslighting- And a form of abuse-

How often do members blame the daughter in law? Son inlaw? For everything- How often do members blame a parent? For everything-

This all seems extreme behaviour from your daughter for you not to be aware what the reasons for this is. Have you ever asked for an explanation? Can you think of anything that may have sparked it. I know with daughters (I have 2) that it doesn't take much sometimes but is there anyone you can ak if you can't speak to your daughter?

That’s gaslighting nonsense rosecarmel. The OP sounds quite capable of having created every bit of conflict on her own.

Family conflict isn't dependent upon one members behavior- That's scapegoating- But once a member is estranged, or remove themselves from the situation, other patterns continue on - Taking a deeper look in an effort to understand and aspire to creating healthier dynamics is a task for all involved-

ananimous -- They do not see that their actions/behavior are a problem because regardless of how outrageous/over the top/abusive they act, there is ALWAYS a justification for said actions. They justify the bad behavior so thoroughly to themselves that clearly that CANNOT be the 'reason' for estrangement or any family conflict.

...do peeps not see that they ARE the problem?

@Leaannbo
* A few minutes later my son in law came downstairs and told me to leave immediately before they had security remove me. Nurse’s station did call security but I left before they arrived. *

Good grief! Seriously?

Get a good grip of yourself, normal people do not get threatened with hospital security removing them.

Leave those long-suffering relatives alone, and send a gushy and fulsome apology if you want the slightest chance of fixing this. (It may take a lot of work on yourself first).

Then spend the rest of your life researching about how to stop being a nuisance in times of stress.

How

Sounds like a practical plan, OutsideDave-