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Very distraught and I’m not sure where to go

(77 Posts)
Leaannbo Tue 21-Jan-20 14:37:04

Just to let you know I am American. I have a daughter who is 36 and married to a gentleman in the US AirForce. So distance can be very challenging. However,they are stationed nearby.They married young and had 4 children all with huge age differences and I have been excluded from everyone. I wasn’t told that my oldest grandson had joined the military. To be fair I am not as supportive of the military as other people maybe. I wasn’t told that he was stationed in the UK. I wasn’t told his wife was expecting my first great grandchild. She was and her husband and younger kids spent the Christmas season in the UK and once again I wasn’t told until I invited them to my house for the holiday. I spent Christmas alone.
This morning I was at a local cafe when one of my daughter’s best friends approached me and asked how my granddaughter was. I responded that she was doing very well. Daughter’s best friend then informed me that daughter and granddaughter were in an auto accident and granddaughter was hospitalized with a broken arm and is now awaiting surgery. I drove to the hospital to visit granddaughter and they had no record of her being there. That’s when I called my daughter demanding an explanation to what was going on and why I was being denied needed information reguarding my granddaughter. She told that this was not her business and I had no right to know and that I needed to stop making everything about myself. She hung up. A few minutes later my son in law came downstairs and told me to leave immediately before they had security remove me. Nurse’s station did call security but I left before they arrived. I have no idea why they have treated me so shabbily over the years and are now excluding me so much. I’m hurt,angry all at once. What can I do?

AGAA4 Tue 21-Jan-20 14:58:32

This is very hurtful for you. To be excluded from your family is tragic. I don't know the background to what has happened so can only suggest that you write a letter/e-mail and tell them how much you love them and would like to hear from them sometimes. I sense your anxiety but it is best if you don't demand to know what is happening in their lives. Take it slowly. Don't push too hard. Find other interests and take a softly softly approach. Wishing you lots of luck and hope you will be reunited soon

rosecarmel Tue 21-Jan-20 15:51:28

Leaannbo, we all strive to be compassionate human beings but frequently miss the mark ..

And it can be confusing at times determining who or what may urgently need undivided attention during times of crisis- As much as it hurt you not to be notified, your daughter and grand daughter hurt more, their family hurt more- They were collectively dealing with the impact that accidents have on people both physically and emotionally- Their response to your demand wasn't a personal attack but a necessary protective measure- Despite the emotional crisis they were facing they were clear that whatever family issues exist between you, it wasn't the time to address them- They had more pressing matters at hand- It was an act of compassion for them to prioritize their circumstance- I hope you can understand that-

Hetty58 Tue 21-Jan-20 16:15:03

'why I was being denied needed information reguarding my granddaughter' (sic) is a very strange phrase.

You assume that you have a right to know about their lives.

Perhaps you (understandably) felt embarrassed to know less than your daughter's friend? To just turn up at the hospital, though, when you have no contact was inviting trouble.

agnurse Tue 21-Jan-20 18:30:43

Wow, so her sudden injury was all about YOU? Did you give any thought to the fact that the mother was concerned about her daughter, her child was undergoing emergency surgery and was in pain, they probably hadn't slept properly since the accident, and they're also having to deal with the issues of car insurance, how to get to the hospital since they're likely down a vehicle, etc.?

You don't need to know how your GD is. You especially do not have a right to demand access to her at a time when the family is already in crisis.

This isn't about you.

Norah Tue 21-Jan-20 18:36:44

You could stop making everything about you. Accident was upsetting to your DD and GD, there was no need to interject yorself.

sodapop Tue 21-Jan-20 19:01:44

That's not easy for you Leannebo you must have been worried about your granddaughter. I think maybe your approach was a bit over the top 'demanding ' information and turning up at the hospital when there are already problems between you.
Your family were already stressed about the accident and needed time to sort things out. You need to step back for a while and let things settle then send a message to let them know you were just worried and care about them. I hope things work out for all of you.

BlueBelle Tue 21-Jan-20 19:05:00

I don’t understand this post leannbo your daughters best friend told you your granddaughter was in hospital awaiting surgery you drove straight there but they had no record of her
So had they had an accident or not??? And where was the granddaughter

You rang your daughter demanding (bad mistake) an explanation and she hung up on you and your son in law came downstairs and threw you out
So sorry but that makes no sense at all if you were in their house why were you ringing them ???

I think you’re in such a bother you re not explaining yourself well can you clarify this taking your time It’s really so hurtful to be left out of knowing about grandchildren but you have to go about this the right way not like a bull in a china shop
Calm down and hopefully you ll be able to untangle some of this

March Tue 21-Jan-20 19:09:55

'That’s when I called my daughter demanding an explanation to what was going on and why I was being denied needed information reguarding my granddaughter.'

Not, how are you? What happened? Do you need anything? How is your daughter? What have the doctors said?

Tbh. If I didnt have a good relationship with my mum and my daughter had been in a car accident, resulting in a broken arm and surgery and she range me making it about herself, I would of hung up.

Do you not think she was dealing with enough?

OutsideDave Tue 21-Jan-20 19:12:36

So, you don’t have a close relationship with your daughter and grandchildren, but are surprised and put out when they dont share things with you-

OutsideDave Tue 21-Jan-20 19:14:28

Gah! Submitted too early.

Ahem. But when you DO find things out, serious medical issues- you throw tantrums and make it all about you and your need to know things about other people so you don’t look bad when folks discover you aren’t close to your family? We’ve got that right, yes???

Well, if they didn’t have good reason before to exclude you, they certainly do now.

Namsnanny Wed 22-Jan-20 02:19:09

leaannbo I think Bluebell is right.
You probably need to prioritise what has happened, possibly by writing down the highlights and deciding how to proceed.

It must have been frightening for you to be told such awful news by a virtual stranger.
But if gd isn't injured that's something to be thankful for don't you think?

eebeew Wed 22-Jan-20 05:18:39

As Bluebelle says your post is hard to understand. I can hear that you are upset about being left out of everything and this was the last straw. It’s really sad to be excluded from family. How and why did that start? It sounds as if this has been going on for years.

notanan2 Wed 22-Jan-20 06:19:09

I suggeat you re-read your post. You answer your own questiin there.

HolyHannah Wed 22-Jan-20 07:06:08

"That’s when I called my daughter demanding an explanation to what was going on and why I was being denied needed information reguarding my granddaughter."

I'm used to getting accused of being biased/always blaming the parent(s) etc. but how can ANYONE not see how bad/dysfunctional/questionable that statement/admission is?

The OP's biggest concern is, "Why did I not know/was not informed of what was 'going on'?" and I assume that that feeling is not out of care of those directly impacted/injured, but because not knowing 'that information' made her "look bad" to someone.

As March said, "Not, how are you? What happened? Do you need anything? How is your daughter? What have the doctors said?" Nope. Just, "Why am I not armed/have knowledge of what is 'going on' so I don't look bad if questioned?"

agnurse -- "Wow, so her sudden injury was all about YOU?" and the conclusion of, "This isn't about you." I agree on both ends.

annep1 Wed 22-Jan-20 07:41:29

I think some people are being very rude here. They were in contact enough that the OP was inviting GD for Christmas.
I too would be very hurt not to be told a family member was in hospital. If my son and DiL ever have reason to takd GC to hospital they ring or text immediately which I appreciate.
Perhaps you could explain the background further Leannbo

annep1 Wed 22-Jan-20 07:42:29

takd take

Juliet27 Wed 22-Jan-20 08:02:41

I too would be very hurt not to be told a family member was in hospital. If my son and DiL ever have reason to takd GC to hospital they ring or text immediately which I appreciate.

Yes annepl but that is because you have a good relationship with your family. It sounds as though Leannbo hasn’t been close to hers for a long time.

annep1 Wed 22-Jan-20 08:08:35

I think she needs to explain more. If they aren't close why was she inviting GD for Christmas.

Juliet27 Wed 22-Jan-20 08:12:06

And why didn’t they spend it with her?

TrendyNannie6 Wed 22-Jan-20 09:08:45

Trying to understand your post,you say your son in law is in the airforce and your eldest grandson has joined up too,you aren’t supportive of the military so maybe that’s a reason you weren’t told. I’m only guessing though, and that he’s in uk you were informed by your daughters best friend that she and your granddaughter were involved in a car accident and granddaughter in hospital awaiting surgery for broken arm. You drove to the hospital but no record of her being there, you then contacted your daughter demanding to know what’s going on,! And asked why you was denied information of what was going on, I can understand you being worried, but I wouldn’t have demanded anything at a time when feelings are running high and the parents are obviously worried I would have asked how your granddaughter was an your daughter and asked if there was anything I could do to help them, there must be a lot more to this story, it’s very odd that the sIL came down stairs presumably from the hospital and told you to leave before they had security to remove you! The nurses station did in fact call security but you left before they arrived!I presume there were raised voices for your Sil to want this to happen, sounds like there’s real problems between you your sil dd, Maybe you should just sit back and wait for things to calm down,

endlessstrife Wed 22-Jan-20 09:33:44

It sounds like these problems go back decades, as you’ve been “ excluded from all your GC”, and now there’s a GGC. I can’t understand why it wasn’t nipped in the bud earlier, after the first GC was born. Everything you’ve done since has somehow antagonised things further. How has it worked? Have you been in and out of their lives with gaps in the middle?. I think you need to make a new life for you. Is there anyone else in your life, such as a partner, other children. Your daughter, for some reason, has had a problem with you for years. It’s never too late to try and mend things, but they may need more time than you’ve been willing to wait in the past. Give it time to heal, and maybe it’ll come right. I wish you all the best.

notanan2 Wed 22-Jan-20 13:17:55

It sounds like you are angry that you "lost face" to the daughters friend and you sound more angry about that than upset about the accident.

Hithere Wed 22-Jan-20 14:08:35

Think: what happened decades ago that your dd stopped talking to you?

In the US (if that is where the accident took place), you can register as private in a hospital and it is as if you are not there. It is done for privacy and safety purposes.

rosecarmel Wed 22-Jan-20 14:32:44

The response to the accident was obvious- And improper- She had a knee jerk reaction to being left out of the loop- But what's also obvious is her concern for her family, poorly expressed but evident-

Military families are faced with many challenges, mainly dealing with the ongoing stress of the potential loss of a loved one, frequently more than one since military families enlist one generation after the next-

Add being anti-military to the mix-